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improbably divine, it happened still.
reborn, rebuilt, rebroken and rejoined,
like grass that grows across the asphalt scars,
some different kind of me with changing will.
adapting. morphed. you know, sometimes,
the thing what hurts you so, so much
can turn into a blessing in disguise.
or so I hope.

took out the glass shards from my feet,
then stepped one time, ignoring pains,
covered the road with my blood stains.
it hurts, but so important still. and so,

I'm ready now to step again
and re-discover
and i'm trying to make sense of it
There is nothing more I wish
Than to see the loved ones
As they pass away.
Because every time they died,
I was never around
And they died alone.
At home, or at a hospital.
During my school hours
Or in the deepest night.
And I don't want to be elsewhere.
I want to be there.
I NEED to see them.
To properly say
Goodbye.

And thank you.
Aug 16 · 187
a bit of love to you
Stop.

Calm.

Exhale.

clear your mind.

breath in.

and out.

This world
is kind.


You will be fine.

You're doing great.

inhale.

exhale.

four - seven - eight.


Now hug yourself
and softly smile.

or cry a little.

breathe for a while.


accept

and calm.

see what is there:
your favourite place
you've built with care?

strong growing plants,
delicious tea?

a patch of sunlight,
warm, gentle sea?

inhale... and listen
for a while.


it all will pass.

and all be fine.


I hope that whatever stressful situation you might be dealing with, you will always have strength to find quality time for yourself.
For those who might not know, 4 7 8 is a wonderful breathing technique for calming anxiety.
Aug 15 · 175
Frailty and Strength
Back then you were
Happy, thankful, content
A year later
Broken, wailing and spent
A month later
Hopeful, nervous and sad
A week later
It's the worst that you've ever had
A day later
You're healing and turning to friends
An hour later
Treading barefoot in the sand
A minute later
't was never so easy to love
A second later
Your heart's being taken apart...
What will happen,

we never know from the start.
You've been there, seen that, done that, -
But I don't care because
I have to try to be there,
I need to go and see that,
I must attempt to do that -
But this time, on my own.
Apr 30 · 234
a crush
When I first crushed into this boy,
it was like walking in the breeze
a beam of sunshine on my desk
a hope of seeing something more
When I first crushed into this man,
There was no pain, but much of fear
I saw him wild and saw him tamed,
And thought I knew what was his core.
I didn't.

Much to his surprise,
I stood relentless by his side.
He pushed away, I didn't halt,
And now I'm broke,
And it's my fault.
When I first crushed into this man,
I had a thousand miles to go.
I'm walking still without a plan.
Above me cries ****** of crows.
It's killing me and I don't care,
I've promised not to turn away.
My soul's beginning to decay.
I'm scared as hell and it's not fair.
Right now, I write and realise.
It's not like walking in the breeze -
A storm that upside-downs my desk.
A pain, and fear that makes me freeze.
Right now, I write and realise -
Despite all this, I still don't care.
It's downright mad and it's unwise,
But to see you, I'll pay this fare.
Mar 20 · 310
no matter what
When the world ends and the skies clash,
When the tide grows and the fires crash,
I promise, I won't tremble.
Till the last hour I will stand strong,
Till the last breath defend right from wrong.
Till the dawn, I won't stumble.
When you die young, when your eyes close,
When your hand slips and your heart slows,
I promise I will not cry.
I'll take it all, I will ask no whys
Live through every fall
Live through every try
But here, I will not die.
...
If you were there, to watch me burn,
Spilling metal heart in broken yearn,
You would not turn away.
But as it is, I stand alone,
The hands are cold, the bow is drawn,
And for the end I pray.
If you were here, to watch me die,
(please, stay close...)
I could have said the last goodbye.
(i wanna see you just once again)
But now, my hopes are naught.
We get no answers when we live.
Life teaches us to just believe.
Just be, no matter what.
(are you there?)

...

so, when  all's gone,
and the wind howls,
when the dead rise
and the earth yowls –
I wanted to say a few words
I couldn't have said otherwise
My eyesight is sore and blurred
My voice, it constantly lies
You think I despise you so much
But that's nowhere close to my feels
I imagine your heavy, strong touch
My heart's clenched and my head reels
You sit, and I watch from afar
You walk, and I'm trailing behind
For me you're a guiding star
Still the rocketship's nowhere to find
There's many lewd jokes on my mind
But now they're all totally gone
My head is so empty and blind
Whenever you're being around
I sit here cross-legged and wait
I'm waiting for you to start talking
You've always so much to say
I have to stand up and get walking
Walking away, it's all pointless
My mind is a ludicrous mess
My body's all sluggish and jointless
From my thoughts, I have nowhere to rest
I want you to notice and praise me
I want you to cry and to smile
I want all your good days and bad days
I've wanted you now for a while
They always considered me ******
But that's how it is, I don't mind
As long as you'll listen, I'll tell you:
There'll be always a room by my side.
old something.
Mar 1 · 166
a desperate fan
My OTP is
You /(slash) life.
It's so unpopular!
Impossible.
You've done bad things,
But I don't care,
It doesn't matter anymore,
anyway...
How many pages do I have to write
for you to stay
ALIVE
just a little bit longer?
How can I become stronger
for it not to hurt so much?

I'll be seeing you in my dreams
After my midnight writing...
Feb 16 · 633
standing last
You're the one standing last
When the world is so doomed
Time is flowing too fast
Filled with hatred
and gloom
You don't hope to survive
But you watch all the same
Don't you give up on life,
Lonely man with no name
apocalyptic something
Feb 6 · 313
i honestly don't care
Everyone's writing of innocent love,
Hushed whispers and hearts oh so pure;
Their darlings are all made of exquisite gold
Of heavenly bliss and allure.
Wherever I look there's another love poem
Writing pain that is sacred and sweet;
But my "innocent love" spiralled down to the gutters
And my "heart" has been long turned to sleet.
...
and we've lost all direction, we're dumb, cruel and vile;
and we laugh our souls out with bile.
if I drag you by hair just another ten miles
to our den, to our safehouse,
to keep us both sane,
will you spare me one last sickly smile?
– or you'll throw me against window pane?
(and through)
Oh, I'll never get tired of this game!
( ** u )
is it an "f" or "love" as the last word? i don't know. both?
Here, in the dark
Eyes burning bright
Campfire's warmth
Crackling and sparks
Marshmallow's burnt -
But just a bit
Here, we sit
And nothing's amiss
And no one's alone
And no one's alone
So deep in my bones
Our summer and kiss...
Jan 9 · 198
dream of you leaving
I have been looking at your face too long,
how shadows hid your smile
frost bit your lips
Your worn-down sweater with a perfumed scent
it lingered for a while
In frenzied fit
I tugged and tugged but you weren't coming down
my silent tears had dropped
you left me there
A ghost of footprints on the hollow path
the sound of it had stopped
it was unfair
Of you to speak no word and disappear
on such a moonless night
I stood and stared

That awful dream, it haunts me ever still
of how I lit the lights
and you weren't there.
Dec 2020 · 153
s i c k
sick and crumbling from sweated sheets onto the ground
i don't want to be found like this, don't want to be seen
cause my body's giving up, my weakness, it's so lame
keeling over in pain and illness, i say

"go away"
but i don't want you to go away
i'm afraid to die alone... hey
NO
Dec 2020 · 90
let's be honest
Finding a fault with an Exquisite dawn
Picking one bent grass on Perfect lawn
Being tossed over as spineless pawn
"They never cared in their endless want"
Always denied my own brush with fame
I let my routine to be all the same:
Listening to no one, assigning blame
...My excuses are always sooo lame.
Dec 2020 · 282
scream
Taking my leave, I'll never return
Laugh if you wish, despair or mourn
Either if fine and either is moot
I've broken the rules and dug out my roots
My life was determined in absentee
I'm trashing your world now, so that you see
How dangerous it was to mishandle the Fire
My abused wild mind is like a live wire
Planning a ****** of everything known
Lost seeds of patience you'd carefully sown
Hijacking the towers of social abuse
It went on for centuries as a delayed fuse
I'm taking my leave now,
I've nowhere to go –
But anywhere's better
Than this line toe to toe
you can't escape society. nice to try sometimes tho
Dec 2020 · 146
Starting again
Careful dance
Under the rain
Only for once
Hiding the pain
Shoes on the damp
Innocent road
Glowing street lamps
It's sleeting and cold
Dust settled down
They've survived
Lucky to 've found
Each other's lives
Starting anew
Hoping for more –
They are the few
Who made it through war
Even if memories of people dying haunt them forever, at least they have each other to fight off nightmares... and this relative approximation of peace and happiness, so rare and such a fragile treasure
Dec 2020 · 154
A shadow
...I put so much of me at stake
And loved as fondly as I could;
You never thought of answering back -
I hoped you would, I hoped you would.

You'll love her always, me – when drunk,
Kind, only when it comes to mind.
I'll keep you off my heart and lungs -
But you're in spine, you're in my spine...

All night along we've been alert,
Aware of movements fond and strong.
Stay close to me, it will not hurt
And won't be long, it won't be long.

Before the dawn, under full moon,
I touched your hand down cotton sleeve.
I know - it all will finish soon,
So let me grieve, so let me grieve.
Dec 2020 · 250
nasty business
Be careful!
It's raining kids
From the rooftop:
One, two, three, four...

It's raining hard,
Another one slips
And it's a long fall,

Dead bodies lying on the pavement,
No one wanted to be saved and
No one is safe!

Horror shrinks me to a whimpering whelp;
They seemed happy and they didn't ask for help.
"God save us",
I hear whispering from all around
Four and one
for nothing, with no reason to be found
God save us all, indeed...
Dec 2020 · 102
Humanity
Determination
Destination in mind
Dignity in movements
Diligence and Pride
Perfectionism, Creation
by everyone World-Wide
Digging, Craving Wisdom,
the Humanity
Walks
Onward,
Persists
and Wins
Award
of Peace
and Happiness.
There's just so many of us. Infinite, limitless opportunities, resources, possibilities... Isn't everything possible when the humanity is one?
(Also, the shape of the poem is kind of like one of the glass. I assure you, it's purely accidental. But since it happened - in vino veritas...)
Dec 2020 · 401
"connect your charger"
the powerbank's empty
bankrupt soul
heart bleeding red

corrosive feelings
dug deepest holes
filled them with lead

THEY AREN'T HEALING
why no one told me
it would be that bad?
Dec 2020 · 288
Getting bitter
I feel like soon
the sun won't shine
and people won't seem good to me
I know that then
I lose what's mine
and kindness, i will never see

When bright light fades
and beauty burns
all cries and frowns on every turn
i fear that i'll no longer be,
drunk in my stupid misery
Dec 2020 · 212
Captivated
I need a patience
Fighting for peace
But there is the silence,
The Darkening Abyss.

I used to dream
How we would kiss,
But there was that dim
And Frightening Abyss.

I used to look
For will without haste,
But You cruelly took
Me away from my place.

I used to think
That there was a thread
Which definitely linked
Mine and your head,

There was that cut
Right in the middle,
So I had to start
Resolving the riddle.

I used to dream
That you're standing near,
But things that I feel -
Are despair and fear.

I used to hope,
But now I do not,
I had to stop
Tying the knot.

How come  I mistook
My Love - with fear?
I dared not look
On my face without tears.

I tear apart
Your image within.
I knew from the start,
I never could win.
...
I need patience
To lower the risk
But there is the silence,
The Darkening Abyss.

The Darkening Abyss
Negates all my will.
Each second we kiss
My heart is in thrill…

I fall in its depths,
The Frightnening Abyss.
I can hear your steps,
Don't let go of me, please.

I fell in Abyss
And found there a thread.
The moment we kissed
I knew where it led.

Mistaken was I?
Or purely naive?
I didn't know why
I didn't just leave.

Totally captivated
Your arms within.
I doubtlessly stated -
I never could win.
Dec 2020 · 273
bound
Bound, bound, bonds
*******
A ***** glance, a frown, a sneer
A hostage
I'm kept, stolen and handed out
Stout beer, a stout bottle of bitter beer
I'm passed over with no doubt
No fear
Kept and praised, so dull over the days
Hostage is now holding down tears
Got in a web, in a puzzling maze
Woods, roads, chase
After something
Something else
A circling race
Fearful
Doubtless
Meaningful
Meaningless
Kept, stolen
And handed out
Again and again
Bonds
(please read into it whatever you want, it's just a (kinda) rhymed flow of consciousness.)
Dec 2020 · 230
charge forward
Sometimes poetry is like a war:
Even though you're so tired and small,
You put your strained muscles back to work,
Overcoming and jumping the walls.
And when you've literally run out of strength
In this wild and insane pursuit of truth
Either rise to the challenge – or quit,
But quitting is also death.
Dec 2020 · 265
Welcoming
Silent steps on my doorstep in shadows
Simply walking inside from the lake
You erupt my still waiting with shyness
And white snowflakes you leave in your wake
I'm enjoying your crisp frosty whisper
Street lights flickering behind window panes
Crowds outside chant their “Merry Christmas”s…
You came, winter, you finally came.
Dec 2020 · 316
the afterglow
There's something fleeting, floating in this fancy,
Like fairy-tail we meet in midnight dreams,
Like ocean tide that brings its warmth upon us
In gentle gracious effervescent streams,
I see you there like flowers meet the sunshine,
There's so much happiness inside it almost shutters,
And bubbling wonder, and a wish to see you smiling,
And then my mind drifts off and my heart flutters…
Dec 2020 · 125
a panicked obsession
Please don't die before I do
Cause I don't wanna live without your smile
Don't wanna leave without returning
Don't want my dark without your bright
Don't wanna miss your sleepy turning
Don't wanna taste when there's no pie
You cooked for me delightful morning
Don't wanna pick a petty fight
Without desire in me burning
Don't wanna dress up with finesse
Without your eyes on me, so deep
Don't wanna hear a word from press
Without your words that make me weep
Don't wanna have a soul that can
Survive without your nasty moods
Don't wanna stop being a stan
Look out for you in darkest woods
Don't wanna make a whole day through
Not knowing what I never knew:
What I'm supposed to ******* do
To live A DAY
Where there's no you?

So please, don't die
Before I do.
Dec 2020 · 223
For anything
A curly smoke in dark and dusty passage
I came as soon as I could get your message
One silent sigh escaping from my lips
As I look up, your shadow soft and steady
Obduced in finest leather, fingers dip
And pull me close
To feel you breath
And I am ready
Dec 2020 · 186
Little big things
Knicknacks
All over my place
Late cinema tickets
Dinner face to face
A figure at the window
Pair tea mugs
Under the blankets
Warm awkward hugs
The hair drier
At six am


I'm finally happy

With you,
I am.
(It was a hair drier so ... early driving me nuts, but i realised i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Well, you probably know how it goes)
Dec 2020 · 139
a witness
…battle is lost, your wounds are open
breathing has stopped, you're lying there
broken

busy telling you, 'get up', 'wake up'
'open your eyes' 'come on please…'

but you've come this far
(i love you)
now rest
(i love you)
(don't go)

in peace
(please...)
A fragment of an old poem that I wrote when I was afraid that a person dear to me might be suicidal. It turned out okay, but the nightmares of that time haunt me still.
Dec 2020 · 100
what matters?
Whose fault does it make
If your Sun goes down?
How much does it take
One to lose the crown?
And who is to blame
When the truth can't be found?
Everything is the same
To you under the ground.

How much can you love
That one person you found?
How long can you starve
Without making a sound?
And what is above
Our Earth, tired and bound?
"I've no answers,"
You cry and laugh
Under the ground.
Nov 2020 · 954
not anymore
He was supposed to survive the war
To staunch his enemies and never flinch
Beware of dangers, be always ready
To live the horrors that skin you alive
They make you bleed
The poor man's blood
Pours down the trenches
In dreadful stench
He looks at the skyfall
But never sees it
Behind the curtain
Of blood and tears.
He belongs to nothing
And nothing fears.
Nov 2020 · 147
The Inquisitor
Hurt to depths
Ready to die
Deadly accused
Of all weaknesses

Sentenced to jail
In mortal body
No revival
No blessing

The Inquisitor
Sentenced me:
Soul to ashes
Heart to pieces

Worn-out heavens

God was tired
He wouldn't see me
Loving
Again,
On the ground...
Nov 2020 · 233
A window
Into wonderful window I steal a glance
Into life I could never have
There were times where I wanted to ask of you
If perhaps you’d give me a hand
I could’ve easily been in love with you
And I’d easily come along
But my life didn't let me more than a glance
More than one chance to look
Crumbling and lost, no, I’ve never been strong
Though I could have been strong for you…
Into beautiful window I stole a glance
And that window you shut for good.
Nov 2020 · 397
Nightmares
Entangle me in dreams, put me in labyrinth
Of fear and faith and farewell to my sins
I long survived the horrors of the living dead
When every breath you take is false, it pins
Your conscience that you shouldn’t breathe at all
Survival long time meaningless, it seems
That not too soon the calm night comes
Devoid of falling, failure, ghastly ghosts so mean,
So cruel in their unfairness, unforgivable...
I’ve seen so many of the nasty ‘FINs’
And every time it shreds my heart to gaping wounds
But I still live...
I’d rather sleep it through instead
Than take another battle to my wins


I’d rather stop the earth from spinning altogether
Than risk the chance it all anew begins


I want no more of suffering through the days, when
The memories’ parade appears on all the screens
I scream

They say that time is healing everything that’s wounded
But time erases everything, not heals
The nasty scar on your wife’s skin
Instead, that skin is rotting in the grave
And every time I see it in my mind, I hope it be
The last time I can see, and think, and feel,
And breathe.

— The End —