It's been almost a year
Since I'd planned
To end my life

This year has felt
Like a century.
A century of tears,
A century of attempts.
A century of heartbreak after heartbreak

But as I sit here
Looking out over the river
I can feel my weakened, broken heart
Beating

Beat.
         Beat.
                  Beat.

29/08/21
Today I wage my own, private war.
Today I start recovery.

3am
I could see the orange glow of the lampposts outside
shining through the the cracks
between the curtains

The only sound I could hear
is the mechanical whirring of the electric fan on my desk
everything else is
quiet

The stillness is overwhelming
as I turned over my pillow, the idea creeps into my mind
everyone is asleep
I could do it

After all, I've got nothing left to lose
no true friends
and my family won't care
I might do it

And the intensity of emotion crashes over me all at once
cuts deep into my heart, making me want to
SCREAM
into the night

I wish I could leave
without going through any more agony
I wish I didn't have to die
I could just  v a n i s h  into the darkness

I need to do this
to leave my pain
to stop breathing would be to breathe again
I was decided

The only reason
I'm still sitting here now
is
cowardice

You said you'd never let me go
My trust grew from the seeds you'd sewn
I watched our friendship bloom and grow
Beautifully imperfect

You said you'd never watch me fall
I stumbled; you were standing tall
You came to my beckon call
Manufactured perfect

for your love was of a different kind
But so were the scars you left behind
Dear lord, I know I'll never find
A way to heal these scars of a different kind

When you left, the darkness began to close in
The unbearable weight of my confusion and sin
You were my stronghold, my family, my kin
Now broken, what once was perfect

for your love was of a different kind
But so were the scars you left behind
Dear lord, I know I'll never find
A way to heal these scars of a different kind

Now 5 months on, and I'm still in pain
As I look out at the pouring rain
Your lack of love has driven me insane
I have destroyed the perfect

for your love was of a different kind
But so were the scars you left behind
Dear lord, I know I'll never find
A way to heal these scars of a different kind

Dear lord, I beg you, let me find
A way to heal these scars, of
A different kind

I look across the desolate wastelands
Small fires are still burning themselves away
and I wonder
what happened here?

Her scars shine clearly on her beautiful skin
Like the pain in her subtle smile
and I wonder
what happened here?

Waking up, I can still feel the pain
Unsourced but stronger than I can describe
and I wonder
what happened here?

The tension between us all is unbearable
No one person can look another in the eye
and I wonder
what happened here?

I guess I'll never know...

I'm back up front
Where I guess I belong
I suppose it wasn't fair to expect
Little me to stay strong

It was sort of good
To take a break from responsibility
But I know that I can't escape it
For all eternity

I'm wracked with guilt
That my smaller self had to cope
In situations that even I
Can't find any hope

This older self that's speaking now
Is already damaged and scarred
But I want to protect my other self
The me that finds grown-up things hard

I'm sorry little me
For putting you through that pain
I promise I'll try to be there
If that ever happens again

the static is growing
Pressing painfully on the inside of my skull
The ringing in my Ears is getting more and more Piercing
Noise Like I've Never Known
BuildinG AND BuildinG
BuT jUsT wHeN i ThInK
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

it stops

and then

silence

but not the deafening, unsettling kind

a peaceful silence

a comforting silence

what some might call

p e a c e

It's time for you to listen.
It's time for my voice to be heard.
Cause I'm sick and tired of this narrative that my voice is just a burden.
It's time for me to stand up, no matter how much I shake.
Cause this isn't just for you or for me,
This is for all our sakes.

This system is corrupted.
This world is tearing itself apart.
The laws we make, are the laws we break
And a honest heart
Is seldom seen.
This corruption is obscene,
And nothing is going the way you want it to.

So stop shouting me down,
That I'm young and lack competence
Because this is the honest truth.
Your generation's "best you could do"
Is our generation's death sentence.

Open your eyes.
Open your eyes and look at the mess you've made.
Mine and so many others lives
Are balancing on a blade.
You say that I cant understand what you do
But I understand more than you think

So shut up, and let's work on how to save this ship.
Before we all start to sink.

I don't want to work hard
I don't want to start recovery
Ijustwanttocurlupinthecomfortandfamiliarityofmypain
It's­ all I know

My lungs in my throat
My heart in my head
Just waiting
               waiting
                     waiting...

Can we...
Can we start again, please?
Wipe my slate clean?

'Cause I dont want these scars on my arms anymore
I dont want these memories in my head anymore
I dont want to be living in care anymore
I dont want to be wracked with guilt anymore

I want to cry
Not keep fighting
I want to scream
Not keep quiet

I want to be sad
Instead of shutting away anything but    that glimmer of hope

I admit it's there
I just want to feel my feelings
All of them

Because I cant stand being strong
anymore

Many won't believe it
Until they see proof
But often you can't see the proof
Until you believe it

Mental illness a parasite
It's hard to spot
Even harder to treat
And many don't believe in it's existence
Purely because they cannot see it
It gnaws away at everything good inside you
And leading you - if untreated - towards an inevitable death
It's impossible to see
But slowly
Very, very slowly
You can start to see it's effects when you look at the victim
Little by little
You begin to notice the damage
And no matter how much good you put into the person
The selfish thief of the parasite steals it away
Before the person gets the chance to use it
Mental illness is a parasite
It's painful,
stigmatised,
dangerous
and scary.
So so so scary.

I don't know what you want me to say
I'm... sorry?
After the hundredth time
Those words lose all meaning
Just a collection of sounds
Just subtle vibrations in the polluted air

"Sorry" doesn't take away the pain I caused you
"Sorry" won't solve our problems
I wish a word had that power
For I don't know how to live with this
Guilt and self-hatred
Rules my every second

How are we going to overcome this?

You have no idea what this feels like.
No idea. At. All.

Studying
Writing
Working
Organising
Sorting
Administrating
Readin­g
Revising
Note-taking
Responding
Analysing
Completing

But then stopping
Stopping
And feeling
Feeling so

                         lost

The knowledge returns
And with it the terror
That soaks through my skin
Right down into my bones
Making me feel so cold

I never was mistaken
I never should have relaxed
Dropped my guard
I'm disappointed with my younger self
And how she thought that was safe

Much to my regret
I must return to my hyper vigilant state
That is prepared for anything
Because that's what they're capable of
Anything

I will fight

I open my eyes
Thrown into a life I never wanted
Losing people I didnt know I loved

Why is this existence so hard?
I want to give up already
Why does nothing go right?
When these people tried

Maybe there's a meaning behind my name
Maybe that's why they call it
A baptism of fire

You're broken and bruised
Been hurt and abused
Never have you known such pain
You're tired and confused
Been exploited and used
And you just can't go through that again

But there's something inside you
A growing flame
That from the ashes will rise
A tiny voice
that gets back up
and says "we will survive"

So break free of the guards
Look up to the stars
And run like there's no tomorrow
Enter into the light
Shout up to the night
And leave behind the sorrow

You're exhausted and drained
Been pushed and strained
Never have you needed rest so much
You're damaged and pained
Been scarred and stained
And you're in agony with every touch

But there's something inside you
A growing flame
That from the ashes will rise
A tiny voice
That gets back up
And says "we will survive"

So break free of the guards
Look up to the stars
And run like there's no tomorrow
Enter into the light
Shout up to the night
And leave behind the sorrow

You've pushed and tried
Laughed and cried
It's time to leave behind the sorrow

They say that you've never hurt
Like this before
They say you throw yourself
Into our mother's arms
As she walks through the front door
They say you cry
And cry and cry
Your emotions have turned against your mind
They say it's a normal reaction to a
Breakup.

But when I lost somebody
I loved
I didn't let anyone see that hurt

When I lost somebody
I loved
I wouldnt hug anyone for months and months

When I lost somebody
I loved
I never let anybody
See my tears

Because I think mine
Was a different kind of
Breakup.

I looked up to you
and you still hurt me

I obeyed you
and you still hurt me

I respected you
and you still hurt me

I tried to be kind to you
and you still hurt me

I trusted you
and you still hurt me

but

after you hurt me
I still look up to you

after you hurt me
I still obey you

after you hurt me
I still respect you

after you hurt me
I still try to be kind to you

after you hurt me
I still trust you

So if you think about it
really,
really

Nothing's changed.

I know you hate me
I know that

But what if you don't?

Well my mind would go into melt down
My reality would shatter
And I would be lost


I know you hate me
I know that

But what if you can forgive me?

Well I'd hate every vessel of my being
My sense of self-worth would vanish
And I would be ruined


I know you hate me
I KNOW that

But what if that could change?

You hate me
But you don't
But you do
Three of the same
But so vastly different

Which was the first?
Which is the last?
The questions reverberate around my head.
Can a circle have a beginning?

One friend, two abusers
One kind, two bitter
One forgiving, two vengeful

Does each of you know about the others?
Or do you exist in solitude and isolation?

I guess I'll never understand

I just want some closur-
I need to finish my sent-
Please stop cutting me sho-
Let me fini-

No? Ok then. I'll struggle on.
But can I at least say goodb-

Can the brave
fear?

Can the strong
fall?

Can the bold
cower?

Yes.

But will anybody
let them?

Can you hear that?

No, that.



It's beautiful isn't it.
Just
                   silence.

Watched.
You're being watched.
3 sets of eyes bearing down on you
causing you to buckle under their pressure
They tell you to stop scratching yourself
to calm down
And don't you dare tell them to shut up
You can't be abusive
Because these people are only here to help you
It doesn't matter that they're rude
and ignore you
and don't listen
because they're supporting you
it's in your best interests

Watched.
You're being watched.
Eyes like lasers
staring at your private parts
as you try to get changed
surely
surely this is a violation of my rights
but of course
your rights are gone
along with your dignity
and your will to live

Watched.
You're being watched.
As you're trying to sleep
By the very people who shouted at you
and pinned you down
less than 24 hours before
over a little hair around your finger
You shouldn't have brought that up
Now yet another flashback is crashing over you

Watched.
You're being watched.
But it's only because you can't keep yourself safe
We're just here to keep you safe
What do you mean we're not good at it?
Well I know you've self-harmed without us noticing
But that wasn't me on shift that day
It's not my fault

Care.
You're in Care.
Not that you're being cared for.

You have to fend for yourself.

I can't see
I can't think
I can't even
breathe
Feeling nothing but the neverending
momentum, of
falling
   falling
      falling
into the abyss
Everything I've ever known
is getting smaller by the second
Until it
Vanishes
Completely

Infuriating voices echo around me
"I know you don't like change"
It's far deeper than that
Change is loss
It's losing a part of yourself
you once took for granted
but not now
Now it's gone
You'd give anything to be back
in the warm and familiar
But you're not.
You're left
falling
   falling
      falling
through the cold and the dark
Never knowing
when you'll
Hit.
The ground

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But it's been like that for years now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I've run out of tears now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I'm "getting the right help" now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But they're tied of hearing that now

So I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I do it quietly now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I choose to stay unnoticed now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I keep it to myself now

Because I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But nobody wants to see it now

Who decided?
Who decided that I would still be here
three years later
still writing pathetic words
words can't undo what I did to **** up my life
the nightmares still come
of all the mess that I made

I was unwell
I know I was unwell
but now I've got the aftermath of my insanity
the high of the pain is over
and now I've hit the ground
I know what it's like to fight myself
but I had no idea that I'd have to fight for myself

why did I do all this?
why did I get myself here?
how did I?
I ruined my life beyond repair
and now I'm trying to build it back up
others think the lack of life
is what I wanted

I can't undo it
not with my aching fingers tapping at this keyboard
not with anything
and every single person
who I hurt and who hurt me
I can barely tell the difference anymore
each one haunts my nightmares

I'm tired of this
I'm tired of trying to clean up the mess I made
and the guilt
oh the guilt
nobody knows its intensity

every day trying to live my life
but every so often
it hits me all over again
I don't want to be a kid again
I don't want to go back
for fear of making things worse
I just want a new start
why does everybody need to know the pain I created
from the pain I was drowning in

run away from it
run away
but these memories are shackles
each guilty nightmare a chain
I've wasted so much time
and now I want to grab my life back
they won't let me
why won't you let me?

falling on you
when I can't stand
any longer

running to you
without doing
my part

holding onto you
amongst a crowd
of my demons

thinking you
cared, about my
fragile heart


can't last
a single day
without hearing your voice

you hurt me
but I push it aside
and ignore it

for my everything,
my reason to live
is you

each sacrifice
I make, to make sure
we never split


but then
you reach
your breaking point

and your volcano erupts
with your viewpoint
of me

I'm abusive, manipulative
exploitative,
toxic

now your opinions
are my facts
they're all I see


and you tell me
that
you have to go

you're walking
away
without a care

leaving me, lost
in the wastelands of
confusion

leaving me to drown
in the seas
of despair


"but it was hurting you too"
I know, but I can't feel
any anger

so please,
walk away
and take with you the apathy

that leaves you
without
a care

but that broke
every part
of me

I can feel it coming
It's coming now
Not inherently bad
But I'm scared all the same

The better the future gets, the worse the past seems...

I'm drowning in horror
Unable to breathe
But no
It wasn't bad enough

Flashbacks by day, nightmares by night
They haunt me
But no
It wasn't bad enough

The aftermath of it all hits me
Like a tsunami of injustice
But no
It wasn't bad enough

My world has changed
Because of those single few moments
But still they say
It wasn't bad enough .

I don't understand
at. all.
Are you a comfort?
Or a threat?
Are you a friend?
Or an enemy?
Help me understand
please