Goodbye pain
Goodbye tears
Goodbye deafening thoughts
Goodbye fears

Goodbye anger
Goodbye suffering
Goodbye screams of agony
Goodbye hurting

Goodbye self-harm
Goodbye unbearable tension
Goodbye illness
Goodbye life's confusion

Goodbye misunderstandings
Goodbye loneliness
Goodbye hurtful betrayal
Goodbye hopelessness

But also...

Goodbye beautiful sunrises
Goodbye morning dew
Goodbye hot coffee
Goodbye old and new

Goodbye late lie-ins
Goodbye long, nightime phone calls
Goodbye comfortable clothes
Goodbye baby animals

Goodbye delicious food
Goodbye music
Goodbye birthdays
Goodbye fun road trips

Goodbye Christmas trees
Goodbye foot-deep snow
Goodbye charity cake sales
Goodbye the cockerel crow

Do you really want to say goodbye?

Soon I'll live in another world
Where colours paint the once-empty words
"Someday, I'll get better."

I thought they were lying
When they looked into my watery eyes, as I was crying, and said
"Someday, you'll get better."

Now that healing is drawing near
And light is flushing out the fear
Here I am, saying loud and clear
"I am getting better"

I can hear your heartbeat
Ticking time away
My heart is right there with you
Yet my mind has gone astray

Beauty is a heartbeat
Ticking past the hours
The rhythm is dancing through
A mythical garden of blooming flowers

My pulse aligns with your heartbeat
Beating together as one
Each night I feel your beat, beat, beat
As we both watch the setting sun

I can hear your heartbeat
When we're a million miles apart
I know you'll never forget my words
But I will never forget your heart

I love you
but also
I hate you

The confusion and conflict
reverberates
around the inside of my skull

I failed in my duty
but
how?

Why does it have to be so complicated?
Just two incidents
But they broke us

But then, what can really happen in
just
three
days?

I was 13 when I found myself scratching my hands
Fighting with the feelings from some unexplored land
A land of mortifying hurt and pain
A land that I never want to see again
But 2 years on, I still visit daily
Cause I'm still addicted to the feelings of agony
And taking them out on my body, battered and bruised
Much like myself it's been tortured and used
Not just scratching now but much more too
Doing things to my flesh that I know I shouldnt do
But the feelings they build, with every passing hour
I'm not doing this to hurt others
I'm not bitter or sour
I'm doing this because I'm addicted to the feeling
The rush of endorphins
When my head is reeling
The racing heartbeat thumping in my chest
Cause my heart knows I shouldnt
My heart knows best
But my mind is warped and confused and a mess
From fear and anxiety and depression and stress
So much so that I start to feel numb
Not feeling anything
So desperate to not succumb
To the darkness of empty
That fills up my head
As I lie upside down in the dark on my bed
So desperate to feel something
Anything at all
That again, I find cuts and scratches,
Appalled at myself
Knowing I cant afford to lose my existence to this
But still I keep cutting and scratching and all
Cause when I'm in the moment,
It feels like bliss
That feeling as your soul ignites with sensation
I visit that place and it's become a great nation
That so many others visit now too
But you cant reach them
Stuck in your own private battle
Fighting the voices that have appeared in my head
Whispering the words that I've learnt to dread
"Just one more cut"
"One more scratch"
They say
And I'm trying to tell them
I dont wanna play this game
But the voices get louder
And louder
And louder
All I need is to go back
With a sprinkle of forgetting powder
I just want to turn around
Go back to the start
But I can't, and you know why?
Because in part
The reason i did this
The reason i began
Was because i wanted the feel of that land.

I'm always the one who starts the conversation
   I'm always the one who apologises first
      I'm always the one who brings it up
         I'm always the one who breaks the silence
            I'm always the one who shares the truth
               I'm always the one who stands up and fights
                  I'm always the one who clears the air
                     I'm always the one who makes decisions
                        I'm always the one who takes charge
                     I'm always the one who has the ideas
                  I'm always the one who speaks up
               I'm always the one who says "that's not right"
            I'm always the one who parents the others
         I'm always the one who looks after the group
      I'm always the one who doesn't cry when everyone else does
   I'm always the one who doesn't stare but goes over to help
I'm always the one who copes

And I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of being the grown up in every situation.

Because at the end of the day
I'm 13 years old.
I'm a child.

   And all through my life
Whatever's been thrown my way
    I've made a plan.
I've taken my initiative.
    But for the first time
I'm not prepared.
    I don't know what to do.
And for once I just want to hand over the steering wheel
    to someone I trust
and say
    "Can you drive for a bit?
Please can you drive for a bit,
   because I'm tired."

They say that you've never hurt
Like this before
They say you throw yourself
Into our mother's arms
As she walks through the front door
They say you cry
And cry and cry
Your emotions have turned against your mind
They say it's a normal reaction to a
Breakup.

But when I lost somebody
I loved
I didn't let anyone see that hurt

When I lost somebody
I loved
I wouldnt hug anyone for months and months

When I lost somebody
I loved
I never let anybody
See my tears

Because I think mine
Was a different kind of
Breakup.

Everyone who sees me wears a patronising smile
Pity is written is their wide, staring eyes
I move towards them and they step far out of the way
As I move past them, they apologise for nothing at all
They constantly offer to help me like they never did before this
Young children look inquisitively at me, unsure what to think
People alert their family members to move out the way
People complain and cast glances if I'm going slower than they are
But worst, worst of all
They point.
Not cruelly
Not from spite
But they point
They point me out to their friends and family
Remind them to give me space
It makes me feel so alienated
I try to smile at them
I try to show them that I'm a human being too
But it doesn't seem that way

Look at their arms
Have you seen their arms?
Their arms are lacerated and covered in scars
They can feel the pain shooting up from every single wound
It's agony

Look at their hands
Have you seen their hands?!
Their hands are small and scarred
Everyone who sees their hands,
Knows they are in pain

Look at their face
Have you seen their face?
Their face is pale
Black bags below their eyes
Which are staring into space

Look at their arms
Look at their hands
Look at their face

Then look away

Then look back

Like everybody else does

I'm sitting on your doorstep
I've rung the bell
A thousand times
I know you will not open up
For just a pointless rhyme

But rage is burning in my soul
The aftertaste of youth
So throw open the doors
Let me see inside
Let me see the truth  

Let me in to the heavens
Let me in to your hell
Let me in to the darkness
That I know so well
Let me in to the beauty
Let me see your sin
Just wherever you are
Please let me in

I've caused you pain and anger
I've caused you guilt and shame
I know that our friendship
Will never be the same

But rage is burning in my soul
The aftertaste of youth
So throw open the doors
Let me see in
Let me see the truth

Let me into the heavens
Let me into your hell
Let me into the darkness
That I know so well
Let me in to the beauty
Let me see your sin
Just wherever you are
Please let me in

I'm sitting on your doorstep
Rung the bell for the last time
I know you will not open up
I'll take this as your wave goodbye

And guilt is burning in my throat
The aftertaste of lies
But no matter what
I'll stay sitting on your doorstep
In case
you change
your mind

There's a gaping hole inside me
That no amount of anything can possibly fill
but the emptiness isn't just on the inside
it's wrapped around me
tight and suffocating
I gasp for breath
but the air vanished
leaving just a vast vacuum
full of...

      full of...
                    ..
                       .

I can't tell the difference between nightmares and reality anymore.

Happy 18th birthday

I hope your day is happy
Even though mine isn't

Why do people
not notice
suffering?

Why do others
not see
my pain?

Why do they
say that they
didn't realise?

Why do I always
have to
explain?

Perhaps because you can
see the light
in the darkness

But not
the darkness
in the light

It's easy to hear
the noise
in the silence

But hard to hear
the silence
in the noise

So look carefully
Listen carefully
For those quiet, subtle signs
But above all
And most importantly
Be kind

Tomorrow is my 15th birthday.
Tomorrow I start afresh.
Tomorrow I restart recovery.
Tomorrow I'll try my best.
Tomorrow, the feelings won't magically disappear
But one single thing is crystal clear
Tomorrow I'll get up
And say to myself
"Today, I'll repaint the colours"

Hello, my name is Manipulative
Or at least that's what people call me
I'm also inappropriate.
Along with aggressive and unkind.
Those are some of my other labels.
I'm a burden and a pressure
I'm not fair to others.

What do I want to be when I grow up?
I want to be Leah.
A young woman.
A human being, released from the chains
of the words of others.
I want to be free.

You have no idea what this feels like.
No idea. At. All.

My heart is a shadow
A vessel of emptiness
Not nothing, not everything
No more or less
Than zero

My heart is a shadow
An absence of light
Not dark, not bright
Just a lack of
Anything

My heart is a shadow
A fluid piece of
black
Each day it is different
Each day it comes back
To linger after me

My heart is a shadow
I wish it would stop following me
Around
Just STOP
Just...
Leave me alone

I try to force the tears out
can't bear their burning behind my tired eyes
clutching my stomach
desperate for this ache to leave me
Jesus please
take this ache away from me

I want to put a blade to my weakened wrist
can't bear the pulsing, pulsing
beating, beating
of the blood pumping through my veins
Let my body surrender to the darkness
like I have

I need to scream it into the void of nothingness
can't bear these words that are stuck in my throat
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so so so sorry

t h i s   i s   a l l   m y   f a u l t

I wish I was that little girl again
Life was so much... not simpler, by any means
But better
kinder

I wish I was that little girl again
Hope and perseverance burning like flames in her eyes
Life was hard
But she was harder

I wish I was that little girl again
In my hideous green school uniform
With my best friends
And my worst enemies
Just so normal


And now, look at me
Just look at me.
A mere shadow of who I was
I'm not longer strong
Or hopeful
Or joyful

I'm no longer
That little girl

Lord Jesus
why does it take you so long?
To draw the piece
and write the song
of my life
which
according to you
is beautiful
why won't you follow through?

Lord Jesus
why break your promises
like those of earth?
is it a reflection
of my worth?
still
you're supposed to care
you're supposed to love
but all you're doing
is staring down from above

Lord Jesus
you say you give your hardest battles
to your strongest fighters
you say you'd never make it darker
when it couldn't get lighter
but God
I'm sorry
But I know that's untrue
because when it comes down to it
where are you?

I'm sitting on the carpet
Staring at the floor
Wish I could remember
Remember something more

The pain goes through me
Like a blunt silver knife
I guess this is normal
I guess this is life

But every time
I think I'm over you
The floodgates burst open
And the tears pour through
I selfharm myself to sleep
Wishing for one final ask
"Will you please bring back
The missing piece of my heart"

Looking at our screenshots
Of all our nightly calls
Wish I could go back
Go back to before

The pain goes through me
In an indescribable way
I guess this is normal
But this is all I want to say

Every time
I think I'm over you
The floodgates burst open
And the tears pour through
I selfharm myself to sleep
Praying for one final ask
"Will you please bring back
The missing piece of my heart"

The better the future gets, the worse the past seems...

Do you ever feel like
you're in a box filling up with water
And with your head just above the surface
The realisation makes your stomach
Drop.
Just as your mouth goes under
And then your nose
And you know that that's it
You're helpless
You're drowning
And you're never coming up to breathe
again

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But it's been like that for years now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I've run out of tears now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I'm "getting the right help" now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But they're tied of hearing that now

So I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I do it quietly now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I choose to stay unnoticed now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I keep it to myself now

Because I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But nobody wants to see it now

Keep holding it together and keep holding on
You need to survive, you need to stay strong
It doesn't matter that you want to give up the fight
For no-one but you is going to be the light

Keep holding on and keep holding it together
You need to walk on, no matter the weather
It doesn't matter if you don't think you'll make it through
Because at the end of the day, the only person the change this,
is you

I want to cut

I need to cut

Because I can't stand one more day
Scratching pathetically at my skin with my blunt, ******
fingernails

Because the pain in my heart isnt "superficial"
I must go deeper
To reflect how deep the feelings are

Because of that sensation of... just...
E C S T A S Y
When you do it
It's tragically beautiful
Or maybe just tragic?

I want to cut so deep that I can see my muscle
I want to cut so deep that I can see my bone
I want to cut so deep that I might not survive the blood loss
I want to cut so deep that these feelings
Leave me alone

let me fall
let me bleed
let me leave
let me scream

let me cut
let me cry
let me stop
let me die

let me rest now
and give up the fight
because no matter what they say
there is no light

You can take away my liberty
You can take away my freedom of choice
You can take away my joy and my smile
But you can't take away my voice

You can shut the doors
And you can shut out the light
You can take away the people I love
But you can't take away my fight

Cause every time you knock me down
I'll get right back up
You might not care about what happens to me
But I do

I will use my voice
I will fight my fight

Shadows prove that there is light.

feeling myself slipping away from reality
back into the memory

Poetry is art
That's what they say
But mine isn't meant to be beautiful
Or picturesque
Far from it

Mine is to picture my pain
In a way normal words and phrases can't

It's to show the trauma
that I can't bear to hold
any longer

It's to express my love for all those people
I can't talk to anymore
And I will never talk to again

Mine isn't meant to be beautiful

hanging onto the present by my fingertips
my eyelids are falling shut
and as much as I try to fight
it draws me in
tricks me
manipulates me
and before I know it
I'm consumed by memory

and I'm back there
my arm wrenched behind my back
outnumbered six to one
screaming
and screaming
was though that will somehow
make me less
helpless
their hands grip so hard
I can almost feel my wrist breaking
and my heart throbbing in my head
just so
so
helpless

and then I'm lying on the hard floor
cryingandcryingandcrying
whispering to myself
you're safe you're safe you're safe
it's gonna be ok it's gonna be ok it's gonna be ok
but I know deep down
neither of those cliché statements
will ever be true
for I can still feel their hands on me
months later
'cause I'm drowning

drowning in memory

You were our rock
But we ground you down too much
So now you're sinking sand
And I'm sinking in the memories of you

Fighting the abuse and gaslighting I get every single day
Fighting the voices in my head that say I'll never get away
Fighting with myself, and what I really want to do
Fighting back the tears every time I think of you
Fighting the rain, because now I've caught a glimpse of the sunlight
Fighting the sun, because I feel the rain has won me outright
Fighting with the stars, for beauty hurts me so
Fighting with the darkness, that seems to grow and grow
Fighting with the people I once believed could love
Fighting with an unknown force, a painful beauty from above
Fighting between my heart and head, not knowing what is best
Fighting through this suffering
But soon
soon
I'll get my rest

I can't see
I can't think
I can't even
breathe
Feeling nothing but the neverending
momentum, of
falling
   falling
      falling
into the abyss
Everything I've ever known
is getting smaller by the second
Until it
Vanishes
Completely

Infuriating voices echo around me
"I know you don't like change"
It's far deeper than that
Change is loss
It's losing a part of yourself
you once took for granted
but not now
Now it's gone
You'd give anything to be back
in the warm and familiar
But you're not.
You're left
falling
   falling
      falling
through the cold and the dark
Never knowing
when you'll
Hit.
The ground