in amongst the chaos
I can glimpse the light
again

Who decided?
Who decided that I would still be here
three years later
still writing pathetic words
words can't undo what I did to **** up my life
the nightmares still come
of all the mess that I made

I was unwell
I know I was unwell
but now I've got the aftermath of my insanity
the high of the pain is over
and now I've hit the ground
I know what it's like to fight myself
but I had no idea that I'd have to fight for myself

why did I do all this?
why did I get myself here?
how did I?
I ruined my life beyond repair
and now I'm trying to build it back up
others think the lack of life
is what I wanted

I can't undo it
not with my aching fingers tapping at this keyboard
not with anything
and every single person
who I hurt and who hurt me
I can barely tell the difference anymore
each one haunts my nightmares

I'm tired of this
I'm tired of trying to clean up the mess I made
and the guilt
oh the guilt
nobody knows its intensity

every day trying to live my life
but every so often
it hits me all over again
I don't want to be a kid again
I don't want to go back
for fear of making things worse
I just want a new start
why does everybody need to know the pain I created
from the pain I was drowning in

run away from it
run away
but these memories are shackles
each guilty nightmare a chain
I've wasted so much time
and now I want to grab my life back
they won't let me
why won't you let me?

we used to tell you
every day
for fear
of losing you to our pain
and you not knowing
how much we cared

and now
I still tell you every day
whether you hear it or not
whether you believe it or not
but I still tell you

and I'm scared
that I'll never get to tell you to your face
again.

You can take away my liberty
You can take away my freedom of choice
You can take away my joy and my smile
But you can't take away my voice

You can shut the doors
And you can shut out the light
You can take away the people I love
But you can't take away my fight

Cause every time you knock me down
I'll get right back up
You might not care about what happens to me
But I do

I will use my voice
I will fight my fight

Shadows prove that there is light.

You were our rock
But we ground you down too much
So now you're sinking sand
And I'm sinking in the memories of you

I'm a wreck
But only because you wrecked me

I'm a mess
But only because you messed me up

I'm broken
But only because you broke me

And still you say you're helping

Because to you, I am just another of your case-load
You don't have time for me, or what I think of all this

But I have time for me
So listen

You have broken more than you have fixed
You have hurt me more than I can put into words

And just because I'm in your "care"
Doesn't mean you've cared about me

Just because I have a number
That does not mean I am a number

I am not a number

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But it's been like that for years now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I've run out of tears now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I'm "getting the right help" now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But they're tied of hearing that now

So I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I do it quietly now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I choose to stay unnoticed now

I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But I keep it to myself now

Because I'm hurting
I'm really hurting
But nobody wants to see it now

Did you know,
the deepest kind of burns
don't hurt
because they burn away the nerve endings
that allow you to feel it

Maybe that's why I can't
feel the pain
anymore

Poetry is art
That's what they say
But mine isn't meant to be beautiful
Or picturesque
Far from it

Mine is to picture my pain
In a way normal words and phrases can't

It's to show the trauma
that I can't bear to hold
any longer

It's to express my love for all those people
I can't talk to anymore
And I will never talk to again

Mine isn't meant to be beautiful

I don't dare
I don't dare call you
Not because you told me not to
But because if I do
anger
The mask of my pain
Might rear its head

I don't dare
I don't dare call you
Not because I think it wouldn't help
But because if I do
You might turn on me
even
more

I don't dare
I don't dare call you
Not because I don't want to
But because if I do
we might break each other
all over
again

I don't dare
I don't dare call you
Not because I've got nothing to say
But because if I do
I don't know
what might come
out

I don't dare
I don't dare call you
Not because I'm scared
But because
I'm terrified

I don't know, it just seems so stupid to me.

I mean,
Chefs know how to cook.
Gardeners know how to garden.
Builders know how to build things.

So answer me this:

Why do most carers not have the first clue how to care?

Dear those paid to care,
Why do you take pride in treating me like dirt
Yet do it so subtly, when we're alone together,
so that nobody else will believe me?

Dear those paid to care,
Why do you shun responsibility for everything you do?
I would like to see the best in you, and say that you don't realise,
But in reality, I think you just can't face the consequences

Dear those paid to care,
Why do you feed me bullsh-t every time we talk?
Is it in my "best interests", like the other abuse you inflict,
or do you enjoy the pain and frustration you put me through?

Dear those paid to care,
Why do you exploit the power you have?
Is it because you think nobody will be able to stop you?
because you're right

Dear those paid to care,
Why do you stick together like glue, to protect each other's backs
You must be able to see that what your colleagues are doing is wrong
Even if you refuse to see it in yourself

Dear those paid to care,
Why do you have the ability to verbally and physically abuse, and sexually harass me every day, but nobody will do anything to change it?

Dear those paid to care,
Why don't you?

Day 1:
Nothing, not hungry at all

Day 2:
I get dizzy, but I stay standing tall

Day 3:
My stomach is starting to pain me

Day 4:
But nobody is coming to save me

Day 5:
I start to fantasise about what I could eat

Day 6:
But no-one wants to see me beat

These voices in my head
That tell me I'm not good enough
That tell to stop eating  
When things get tough

We're now on day 7,
And lo and behold
The plan made to "help us"
Failed
Just like we told them

The hunger, the dizziness
It doesn't give me a moment's relief
And all this

Because of some stupid, age-old grief

fury surges up
on the brink of overflowing
this isn't fair

enlighten me, please
why should I be under a restrictive care order
when I have never hurt myself in my life?

and why should I be watched
every second of every day, invasively
when I have never done anything to warrant that?

I know it's not her fault for being unwell
but sometimes
I just can't bear dealing with the consequences of someone elses actions

fury surges
about to overflow
this isn't fair...

last week, I came alive
maybe that's the wrong phrase
"came alive" implies that it was a joyful thing,
it wasn't

I found myself, lying in a different bed
I moved my arm to reach for a cuddly toy
and the arm was covered in pinky-white lines
and I was scared

today, I came out again
to do nothing but survive, it seemed
to take a few hours of the pain
away from the others

that's all I exist for, I guess
to hold pain
so that others don't have to
so that they can be strong

this pain, the very reason I was formed
seems old and fading
but at the same time
it's as gaping and fresh as a new wound

and all because of someone who once loved us

I open my eyes
Thrown into a life I never wanted
Losing people I didnt know I loved

Why is this existence so hard?
I want to give up already
Why does nothing go right?
When these people tried

Maybe there's a meaning behind my name
Maybe that's why they call it
A baptism of fire

I can see it coming
Hurtling towards me
A great wave
A tsunami, even
About to knock me down

500 metres,
300,
100,
50,
20...

I close my eyes, I've accepted my fate

And I'm under the current
My muffled screams echo through the water

"I can't do this anymore"

"No more heartbreak poems
No more mourning the person
who's undoubtedly forgotten me, and all that we had
I've laid on the ground for long enough now
It's time to get up

I still love you
And I won't forget you
But I can't let this pain rule my life anymore"

It's easy to say the words
They're just words

But will I ever be able to
actually
move on?

It doesn't make sense.
It just doesn't make sense.

my mobility is getting better.
my seizures are getting better.
my situation with my carers is getting better.
my family contact is increasing and getting better.
it's all, slowly, getting better.

So why,
why
do I feel so empty?

I'm bored
So bored
Of nothing changing
Yet I know I hate change too
What is wrong with me?

The nightmares dont scare me anymore
The flashbacks don't haunt me anymore
I'm desensitized

It's like an ostinato
That never stops
The pain just keeps pushing me
Until I drop

Just drumming on
The beat of life
The pounding of troubles
The pounding of strife
It doesn't change
Just carries on
To the unending beat of the
Drum

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

I was 13 when I found myself scratching my hands
Fighting with the feelings from some unexplored land
A land of mortifying hurt and pain
A land that I never want to see again
But 2 years on, I still visit daily
Cause I'm still addicted to the feelings of agony
And taking them out on my body, battered and bruised
Much like myself it's been tortured and used
Not just scratching now but much more too
Doing things to my flesh that I know I shouldnt do
But the feelings they build, with every passing hour
I'm not doing this to hurt others
I'm not bitter or sour
I'm doing this because I'm addicted to the feeling
The rush of endorphins
When my head is reeling
The racing heartbeat thumping in my chest
Cause my heart knows I shouldnt
My heart knows best
But my mind is warped and confused and a mess
From fear and anxiety and depression and stress
So much so that I start to feel numb
Not feeling anything
So desperate to not succumb
To the darkness of empty
That fills up my head
As I lie upside down in the dark on my bed
So desperate to feel something
Anything at all
That again, I find cuts and scratches,
Appalled at myself
Knowing I cant afford to lose my existence to this
But still I keep cutting and scratching and all
Cause when I'm in the moment,
It feels like bliss
That feeling as your soul ignites with sensation
I visit that place and it's become a great nation
That so many others visit now too
But you cant reach them
Stuck in your own private battle
Fighting the voices that have appeared in my head
Whispering the words that I've learnt to dread
"Just one more cut"
"One more scratch"
They say
And I'm trying to tell them
I dont wanna play this game
But the voices get louder
And louder
And louder
All I need is to go back
With a sprinkle of forgetting powder
I just want to turn around
Go back to the start
But I can't, and you know why?
Because in part
The reason i did this
The reason i began
Was because i wanted the feel of that land.

It's time for you to listen.
It's time for my voice to be heard.
Cause I'm sick and tired of this narrative that my voice is just a burden.
It's time for me to stand up, no matter how much I shake.
Cause this isn't just for you or for me,
This is for all our sakes.

This system is corrupted.
This world is tearing itself apart.
The laws we make, are the laws we break
And a honest heart
Is seldom seen.
This corruption is obscene,
And nothing is going the way you want it to.

So stop shouting me down,
That I'm young and lack competence
Because this is the honest truth.
Your generation's "best you could do"
Is our generation's death sentence.

Open your eyes.
Open your eyes and look at the mess you've made.
Mine and so many others lives
Are balancing on a blade.
You say that I cant understand what you do
But I understand more than you think

So shut up, and let's work on how to save this ship.
Before we all start to sink.

Keep holding it together and keep holding on
You need to survive, you need to stay strong
It doesn't matter that you want to give up the fight
For no-one but you is going to be the light

Keep holding on and keep holding it together
You need to walk on, no matter the weather
It doesn't matter if you don't think you'll make it through
Because at the end of the day, the only person the change this,
is you

Watched.
You're being watched.
3 sets of eyes bearing down on you
causing you to buckle under their pressure
They tell you to stop scratching yourself
to calm down
And don't you dare tell them to shut up
You can't be abusive
Because these people are only here to help you
It doesn't matter that they're rude
and ignore you
and don't listen
because they're supporting you
it's in your best interests

Watched.
You're being watched.
Eyes like lasers
staring at your private parts
as you try to get changed
surely
surely this is a violation of my rights
but of course
your rights are gone
along with your dignity
and your will to live

Watched.
You're being watched.
As you're trying to sleep
By the very people who shouted at you
and pinned you down
less than 24 hours before
over a little hair around your finger
You shouldn't have brought that up
Now yet another flashback is crashing over you

Watched.
You're being watched.
But it's only because you can't keep yourself safe
We're just here to keep you safe
What do you mean we're not good at it?
Well I know you've self-harmed without us noticing
But that wasn't me on shift that day
It's not my fault

Care.
You're in Care.
Not that you're being cared for.

You have to fend for yourself.

It makes no sense that multiplicity would be so lonely.

You tell me I'm an abuser
You tell me I didnt try
But you don't see me alone in bed at night as I cry
About everything that happened
Cause it happened to me too
You can make it
But i dont know if I'll make it through

You tell me that I hurt you
At the age of 13 and 14
But you dont hear the voices in my head
The voices that just wont stop screaming
I try to tell you that I'm fighting
But all you hear is lies
You tell me to get my sh-t together
Then refuse to hear my cries

I know I made mistakes
I think you made them too
But just because I was mistaken
Doesn't mean the claim of abuse is true
I never meant to cause you pain
I never meant you to hurt
And i know that i saw you at your best
And you, me at my worst

We're both tired of the word "sorry"
From both of us
But mostly me
I know that I was trying
My god, why wont you SEE?!
I'm doing my best to respect you
But you arent returning the same
Cause although I wont stop thinking about you

I bet you've forgotten my name

If this is what I signed up for
I want to take off my signature

If this is care
I dont want to be cared for

If this is the life of a sinner
Then let me have the death of one

Because if this is love
I dont want it

"Dance in the rain" they said
But how am I supposed to dance
When my hands are tied
Again?

It's been two years
Two years today
Two years today,
Was when everything changed

How am I not over it by now?

Lord Jesus
why does it take you so long?
To draw the piece
and write the song
of my life
which
according to you
is beautiful
why won't you follow through?

Lord Jesus
why break your promises
like those of earth?
is it a reflection
of my worth?
still
you're supposed to care
you're supposed to love
but all you're doing
is staring down from above

Lord Jesus
you say you give your hardest battles
to your strongest fighters
you say you'd never make it darker
when it couldn't get lighter
but God
I'm sorry
But I know that's untrue
because when it comes down to it
where are you?

I know you know how it looks
But let me tell you how it feels...

It's like diving underwater
When you can't come up for air
It's like tearing off your ****** skin
But nobody seems to, or wants to care
It's like trying to fly away
But then
You're realise you're chained to the ground
It's like coming up to breathe
But
No.
They won't let you.
So you're left to drown

It's like trying to cut
When it just won't bleed
Trying to explain
That blood is what you need
To see blood
To see red
To explode
But
No.
They won't let you.
So you're trapped, trapped and alone.

It's like waking up from a dream
Being thrown back into the angry waters
of reality
It's like being trapped in a play, without the script
and the play is a tragedy
Trying to explain
That you need to escape
To come up for air
But
No.
They won't let you.
So you're sinking
sinking
sinking...

I'm sick to death of the heartbreak poems I write
I'm sick to death of thinking of you as I fall asleep every night
I'm sick to death of the knowledge that you think what you did was right
I'm sick to death of not knowing if you're coming back, because you might

I'm sick to death of thinking "but what if?"
I'm sick to death of sitting and staring when my mind has gone adrift
I'm sick to death of waiting for my mood to somehow lift
I'm sick to death of realising my death
Is probably on your wish list

How I wish we would have taken it slow
Because then, you may never have had to
Go