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Oct 15 · 413
At. All.
Leah Carr Oct 15
You have no idea what this feels like.
No idea. At. All.
Oct 15 · 188
Simultaneously
Leah Carr Oct 15
"What's it like?" they ask.

She raises her heavy head from her arms, crossed on the table. Trembling so violently, her tears shudder as they slide down her cheeks. Her hands are small and ******, her feet numb, and cold as ice, though still somehow managing to shake too.

"Like living and dying simultaneously. It's agony," she replies.
Oct 9 · 356
fall
Leah Carr Oct 9
Scratching at my skin
Banging on the walls
Tiptoeing across this wire of tension
Never knowing when I'll trip
And fall
Oct 9 · 230
Just the same
Leah Carr Oct 9
You may as well chain me up. It would feel just the same.
Leah Carr Oct 8
I can't fight these voices
Anymore
Hearing the footsteps coming
Down the hall
My phone ringing
In the next room
But there's no missed calls

I can't fight myself
Any longer
Seeing your figure
In the corner
You make me hurt
You make me hurt myself
Just GO AWAY

I can't fight you
Anymore
Just **** me
Like you've threatened to
So many times
I can't express the pain
In a rhyme
I can't

I gave in
To your commands
I'm not a bad person I promise
Just a weak one
Oct 2 · 229
ignorance
Leah Carr Oct 2
it must feel good to wallow
in the shallow waters of
ignorance
Leah Carr Oct 1
You said you'd never let me go
My trust grew from the seeds you'd sewn
I watched our friendship bloom and grow
Beautifully imperfect

You said you'd never watch me fall
I stumbled; you were standing tall
You came to my beckon call
Manufactured perfect

for your love was of a different kind
But so were the scars you left behind
Dear lord, I know I'll never find
A way to heal these scars of a different kind


When you left, the darkness began to close in
The unbearable weight of my confusion and sin
You were my stronghold, my family, my kin
Now broken, what once was perfect

for your love was of a different kind
But so were the scars you left behind
Dear lord, I know I'll never find
A way to heal these scars of a different kind


Now 5 months on, and I'm still in pain
As I look out at the pouring rain
Your lack of love has driven me insane
I have destroyed the perfect

for your love was of a different kind
But so were the scars you left behind
Dear lord, I know I'll never find
A way to heal these scars of a different kind


Dear lord, I beg you, let me find
A way to heal these scars, of
A different kind
Sep 25 · 539
Change
Leah Carr Sep 25
I can't see
I can't think
I can't even
breathe
Feeling nothing but the neverending
momentum, of
falling
   falling
      falling
into the abyss
Everything I've ever known
is getting smaller by the second
Until it
Vanishes
Completely

Infuriating voices echo around me
"I know you don't like change"
It's far deeper than that
Change is loss
It's losing a part of yourself
you once took for granted
but not now
Now it's gone
You'd give anything to be back
in the warm and familiar
But you're not.
You're left
falling
   falling
      falling
through the cold and the dark
Never knowing
when you'll
Hit.
The ground
Leah Carr Sep 25
I can hear your heartbeat
Ticking time away
My heart is right there with you
Yet my mind has gone astray

Beauty is a heartbeat
Ticking past the hours
The rhythm is dancing through
A mythical garden of blooming flowers

My pulse aligns with your heartbeat
Beating together as one
Each night I feel your beat, beat, beat
As we both watch the setting sun

I can hear your heartbeat
When we're a million miles apart
I know you'll never forget my words
But I will never forget your heart
Sep 23 · 373
A broken heart can beat
Leah Carr Sep 23
A broken heart can beat
A broken heart can love
A broken heart cant heal
But I've realised
A broken heart's enough
Sep 18 · 423
Soon
Leah Carr Sep 18
Fighting the abuse and gaslighting I get every single day
Fighting the voices in my head that say I'll never get away
Fighting with myself, and what I really want to do
Fighting back the tears every time I think of you
Fighting the rain, because now I've caught a glimpse of the sunlight
Fighting the sun, because I feel the rain has won me outright
Fighting with the stars, for beauty hurts me so
Fighting with the darkness, that seems to grow and grow
Fighting with the people I once believed could love
Fighting with an unknown force, a painful beauty from above
Fighting between my heart and head, not knowing what is best
Fighting through this suffering
But soon
soon
I'll get my rest
Sep 18 · 706
Comparison - 10w
Leah Carr Sep 18
The better the future gets, the worse the past seems...
Sep 14 · 1.5k
Moving on
Leah Carr Sep 14
Soon I'll live in another world
Where colours paint the once-empty words
"Someday, I'll get better."

I thought they were lying
When they looked into my watery eyes, as I was crying, and said
"Someday, you'll get better."

Now that healing is drawing near
And light is flushing out the fear
Here I am, saying loud and clear
"I am getting better"
Didnt think I'd live to write a poem like this...
Sep 12 · 206
Unnoticed
Leah Carr Sep 12
Staring into space
Stuck in this place
No-one can see the pain that she faces

Agonising.
It's just so agonising.


Sitting crosslegged
Acting like she's ok
Nobody knows that she feels this way.

Pretending
She's so sick of pretending.


Head in her hands
Wrists chained and legs bound
Or at least that's what she sees

Trapped.
She just feels so trapped.


Why does nobody notice?
Each time her voice gets quieter

Screaming.
Inside she is screaming.


Why does nobody notice?
Each day she laughs less

Weeping.
Inside she is weeping.


Staring into space
Stuck in this place
No-one can see her.

She's unnoticed.
This poem is based off one my friend wrote a few years ago that really resonates with me.
Sep 12 · 295
Abuser
Leah Carr Sep 12
Can you see it in my eyes when you look at me?
Can you see it in my scars that cover my skin?
Can you tell, when you glance at this little girl?
Do you know that I'm an abuser?
Sep 12 · 69
Fine.
Leah Carr Sep 12
"You ok?" They ask.

She hasn't gone a day without crying
In what seems like a thousand years
Her heart aches with every fleeting thought
of the ones she lost
She longs for a life of normality
To go to school
To go to parties
To feel  j o y  again
Because she cant remember it at all...


"Yeah," she replies, "I'm fine."
Sep 9 · 171
Respiratory rate
Leah Carr Sep 9
"Just breathe," they say
as my throat closes up
as I can feel nothing but the vacuum closing in around me
as everything becomes closer
and closer
and too close

"Deep breaths" they say
as my lungs fail me more and more
as each inhale becomes shallower than the last
as everything suffocates me
and strangles me
and tries to **** me

"You're lucky it's not serious" they say
as I gasp for air
as I struggle to stand
as i drift off to sleep
wondering
wondering
if I'll wake up in the morning
Sep 8 · 402
Demons of the virus
Leah Carr Sep 8
They crawl through my lungs
Stealing the air away from me
Their parasitical venom infects my every breath

They scratch at the inside of my stomach
Creating pain, creating agony
I've never felt anything like this before

They infest my once-clear head
Stabbing the inside of me with needles and knives
I cant think straight

They sit in their malice, blocking my windpipe
I'm gasping for the oxygen
I'm praying is still there

I feel weak
I feel exhausted
I can feel death's demons
Knocking
At my door
I tested positive for covid 2 days ago, and this has been my experience of it so far. To those who are careless and dont try to protect others, get your **** together because this disease is awful.
Sep 7 · 561
Too
Leah Carr Sep 7
Too
You're talking
In metaphors
Why does nothing
Make
Sense

I dont
Want
To have
To hurt
Anymore

I dont
Want
To fear you
For any
Longer

I just want
To sit
Beside you
And to know
You love me
Too
Sep 5 · 418
Breakup
Leah Carr Sep 5
They say that you've never hurt
Like this before
They say you throw yourself
Into our mother's arms
As she walks through the front door
They say you cry
And cry and cry
Your emotions have turned against your mind
They say it's a normal reaction to a
Breakup.

But when I lost somebody
I loved
I didn't let anyone see that hurt

When I lost somebody
I loved
I wouldnt hug anyone for months and months

When I lost somebody
I loved
I never let anybody
See my tears

Because I think mine
Was a different kind of
Breakup.
Sep 2 · 154
Ready for revival
Leah Carr Sep 2
The pain beats me down
And ties me up
Make me feel
That I'm not enough

It hurts so much
Nobody will never find
In a life of searching
Such a tortured mind

But you come in
Swoop through me whole
You take that broken
Piece of soul

That's never
going to make the fight
But you show it
Where to find the light

Lord Jesus,
I dont know where you've been
As I've struggled through this
Sea of sin

But one thing's certain
You're here with me now
And God
I'm ready for revival

Lord Jesus,
I'll never know why you left
Left me broken,
Lost, and bereft

But one thing is clear
Now that you're here
And it's this, God
I'm ready for revival
Aug 29 · 206
29/08/21
Leah Carr Aug 29
It's been almost a year
Since I'd planned
To end my life

This year has felt
Like a century.
A century of tears,
A century of attempts.
A century of heartbreak after heartbreak

But as I sit here
Looking out over the river
I can feel my weakened, broken heart
Beating

Beat.
         Beat.
                  Beat.

29/08/21
Today I wage my own, private war.
Today I start recovery.
I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time now, but today I made the decision to start recovery. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself, because I know I will get there. Even on the bad days, I'm not going to try and give up again.
Aug 22 · 353
pounding on
Leah Carr Aug 22
Why must my existence
keep pounding on
like my heart that's kept beating
for far too long
this awful pain
each day I keep breathing
always the same
it keeps on repeating
to torture my heart
to crush down my bones
to tear me apart
leaving me in pieces, alone
the screaming inside
relentless, relentless
the burning of lies
the agony, endless
let it stop
let it stop
please, Jesus
make it stop

'cause I can't take this anymore
Aug 20 · 351
losing faith
Leah Carr Aug 20
God, if you exist,
give me a sign
or else I'll succumb
to these demons mine
This was originally going to be longer, but it turned out that my message was more powerful in just 4 lines. For context, I have been a christian since I was very young, but now I'm questioning my God's existence.
Aug 18 · 324
Screams
Leah Carr Aug 18
Gut-wrenching screams hammer against my tender eardrums
Tearing through me
Pulling me apart
I cant distinguish between blood and tears
The screaming gets louder
And louder
And more agonising
Until I can focus on nothing but the pain
Somehow translated into sound
Who is this?
Why are her screams so fearful and piercing?
Who has hurt her so that she must express herself in this way?
But then I realise:
I am the one screaming.
Aug 15 · 539
Sad
Leah Carr Aug 15
Sad
sad
that simple word
three letters
one syllable
a thousand meanings

it means you're hurting
it means you're aching
it means you're anything
just not happy

it means they hurt you
it means they rejected you
it means they did everything
just not be kind

it means she left you
it means she's gone
it means she's anything
just not here, in my arms

mummy, I just want one last hug
because I'm sad
Aug 14 · 66
Stop
Leah Carr Aug 14
I wish it was quiet
Not silent, just quiet
Wish my heart would stop
Drumming
Beating
Pulsing
Pumping
Through my fragile skull

I wish it was peaceful
Not still, but peaceful
Wish the words would stop
Flying
Flitting
Zooming
Crowding
Around inside my battered brain

I wish it would stop
Not just pause, stop.
Stop moving
Stop talking
Stop hurting
Stop everything
I need it all to  s. t. o. p.
Aug 13 · 328
Cut.
Leah Carr Aug 13
Inhale.
Drag the sharp edge along your skin.
Exhale.
Try not to gasp in pain
Smile
Pretend that everything is fine
Scratch
Again, and again, and again
Breathe
let the pain overtake the inner agony
Look
Your arm is covered in blood
Look away
feel the blade go deeper
Laugh
Dont let others know how you feel
Act
The pretence is of vital importance
Sit
let yourself bleed and bleed
Inhale
They've noticed, you have stop
Exhale
And think, it felt so good.
Jul 27 · 294
3am cowardice
Leah Carr Jul 27
3am
I could see the orange glow of the lampposts outside
shining through the the cracks
between the curtains

The only sound I could hear
is the mechanical whirring of the electric fan on my desk
everything else is
quiet

The stillness is overwhelming
as I turned over my pillow, the idea creeps into my mind
everyone is asleep
I could do it

After all, I've got nothing left to lose
no true friends
and my family won't care
I might do it

And the intensity of emotion crashes over me all at once
cuts deep into my heart, making me want to
SCREAM
into the night

I wish I could leave
without going through any more agony
I wish I didn't have to die
I could just  v a n i s h  into the darkness

I need to do this
to leave my pain
to stop breathing would be to breathe again
I was decided

The only reason
I'm still sitting here now
is
cowardice
Jul 27 · 439
happier - 10w
Jul 25 · 419
co-dependency
Leah Carr Jul 25
falling on you
when I can't stand
any longer

running to you
without doing
my part

holding onto you
amongst a crowd
of my demons

thinking you
cared, about my
fragile heart


can't last
a single day
without hearing your voice

you hurt me
but I push it aside
and ignore it

for my everything,
my reason to live
is you

each sacrifice
I make, to make sure
we never split


but then
you reach
your breaking point

and your volcano erupts
with your viewpoint
of me

I'm abusive, manipulative
exploitative,
toxic

now your opinions
are my facts
they're all I see


and you tell me
that
you have to go

you're walking
away
without a care

leaving me, lost
in the wastelands of
confusion

leaving me to drown
in the seas
of despair


"but it was hurting you too"
I know, but I can't feel
any anger

so please,
walk away
and take with you the apathy

that leaves you
without
a care

but that broke
every part
of me
I have writen about this friendship a lot in my poems, especially recently. This is an overall summary, as that friendship has now broken down. I don't know if this might be my last poem, but if it is, thank you for being my safe space, HePo.
Jul 23 · 275
torture
Leah Carr Jul 23
tie my hands
and cut my skin

leave me to drown
in the waters of sin

hold me down
and silence my screams

rip apart my soul
at the innermost seams

break my bones
and ignore my prayers

for I am a monster
hidden deep in my lair

my name is gone
just a number remains

this evil inside me
shall never be tamed

so tear off now
my painful face

burn my body to ashes
and refill my place

for no-one will notice
nobody will care

and if they do
then this torture
I'll share
Jul 22 · 594
sit on your hands
Leah Carr Jul 22
sit on your hands and
imprison yourself, so that
others don't have to
Leah Carr Jul 21
hanging onto the present by my fingertips
my eyelids are falling shut
and as much as I try to fight
it draws me in
tricks me
manipulates me
and before I know it
I'm consumed by memory

and I'm back there
my arm wrenched behind my back
outnumbered six to one
screaming
and screaming
was though that will somehow
make me less
helpless
their hands grip so hard
I can almost feel my wrist breaking
and my heart throbbing in my head
just so
so
helpless

and then I'm lying on the hard floor
cryingandcryingandcrying
whispering to myself
you're safe you're safe you're safe
it's gonna be ok it's gonna be ok it's gonna be ok
but I know deep down
neither of those cliché statements
will ever be true
for I can still feel their hands on me
months later
'cause I'm drowning

drowning in memory
Jul 20 · 238
Dysphoria - 10w
Leah Carr Jul 20
Who is this stranger that looks back in the mirror?
Jul 20 · 440
let my heart beat
Leah Carr Jul 20
my heart is beating still
but why?
why does my body fight on?
I wish it would give in
like I did a long,
long time ago

i am breathing still
but how?
attempt after attempt
to stop that
has failed
to my disappointment

my heart is beating still
and as much as I hate it
there is just one thing
I must do
sit
and let my
heart
beat
Jul 19 · 215
it hurts
Leah Carr Jul 19
tension is building
I wish I could cry
burning in my stomach
I want to die
the pain is worse
than ever before
corroding my spirit
to the core
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts so bad
just make it stop
bring back my
once-had
peace
my heart is breaking
my spine is cracking
my pulse is beating
in my skull
I know one way
to leave this pain
and get to the wanted
the needed


relief.


as I rip my hair off my scalp.


relief.


as I tear each layer of skin apart.


relief.


as I feel those ****** of pain.

...

until it starts all over again.
Jul 18 · 324
silly rhyme
Leah Carr Jul 18
this fear
this loathing
this guilt
this blame
it eats
away
inside my
brain

the fragments of
memories
inside
my heart
they seek
to tear
my soul
apart

this hope
is false
like this
fake smile
as fury
claws away
inside
meanwhile

the joy
that flickered
has died
away
now ashes
lie
where once
were flames

So here
I sit
in slowed-down
time
finding comfort
in
a silly
rhyme
Leah Carr Jul 17
You've silenced my voice, for
only you could hear it
and now you've stopped listening

Every little thing
that makes me think of you
doesn't make me smile, anymore

I wish you could show me, a way
back to the happiness I used
to know

You call me harmful and
abusive, but I don't know how I can be that
I'm a child!

The only one who said "I love you"
and meant it, is gone
forever

They say it's only temporary
but I'm big enough to understand
what losing you means

Now I haven't just lost
my protection, my joy, my only hope
I've lost the one I call mummy
Leah Carr Jul 16
To my big sister's big sister

I don't know what to say to you
I really don't

It seems so unfair
that words can rip you apart
but words can't sew you back together

I don't want to say "I'm sorry"
For those too are just words
Just noises, pieced together
in a pointless waltz

I don't want to say "thank you"
For that then denies the pain it took
to deal with what I forced you to handle
Unwanted message after unwanted message
Upsetting email after upsetting email

I don't want to say "I'll do better"
For I don't know what tomorrow will bring
Anger? Hatred? Hurt?
This could stop next week
for all I know
or it could carry on until time runs out

So I guess I'll say "I'm trying"
For though they are words also
They are not meaningless
You're working through the hurt, but
so am I

So I guess I'll say "don't hurt me"
A simple plea
But I know that given what I've done
it's a difficult ask

It seems so unfair
that I'm asking anything of you
despite everything I'm causing

So that's all I'll say.
With love,

From your little sister's little sister
This is a really private thing to share, but here goes...
Jul 16 · 445
apologising for abuse
Leah Carr Jul 16
Why can't words put back together what words have broken?
I don't know what else I can do to say sorry...
Jul 15 · 238
you frighten me
Leah Carr Jul 15
It's as though your touch
penetrates my skin
maybe that's how you get
inside me

It frightens me
that's the bitter truth
the fear eats away
inside me

I can't go a day
without running to you
dependant on you, not what's
inside me

Yet when I'm with you
the lack of safety reminds my mind
how those few moments got
inside me
Jul 15 · 442
Neglected - 10w
Leah Carr Jul 15
Your light burns brighter
whilst mine dwindles in your shadow
Jul 13 · 287
my children
Leah Carr Jul 13
Hurt me
Please
Hurt me instead

My children can't bear
the burning of the wounds
your words carve

They try to express
the depth
of the pain you're causing them

But they can't.

~

Hurt me
Please
Hurt me instead

I'd say I can take it
But I can't
But nor can they

Oh my children
MY children
My children

Dear God, stop hurting my children

~

Hurt me
Please
Hurt me instead

They can't cope, holding the
confusion
Your voice haunts their nightmares

They drew a portrait of you
half angel, half demon
Look what you're doing to them

Please, HURT ME INSTEAD

~

Hurt me
Please
Hurt me instead

They are just children
Well-meaning,
vulnerable children

I know their actions hurt you
Their words stung you
like yours now do us

~

Blame me
Please
Blame me instead

Because dear God
I can heal from you blaming me
Hurting me

But I'll never ever forget the face
of someone
who hurt my children
I don't really remember writing this, it just sort of fell out of my fingers onto the keyboard. "~" separates each verse. Not written in anger, just desperation.
Jul 12 · 141
again
Leah Carr Jul 12
I can't
help it,
I can't stop
myself,
please
I don't want to do-
and it's already
happening
again.

Let these
urges
melt away,
Leave me
alone
with my pain
Please
I need to
take back
control, I-
and again,
here we go again

I know
I can overcome it
I know
I can overcome it
Please
I know I
need
to overco-
and I've done it
again

I can't
help it
Why can't I
*******
help it
Make.
Me.
Stop.

Make.
It.
Stop
Jul 12 · 149
gen - 10w
Leah Carr Jul 12
Can you miss someone you hurt? And who hurt you?
Jul 11 · 554
moral low-ground - TW
Leah Carr Jul 11
I try to force the tears out
can't bear their burning behind my tired eyes
clutching my stomach
desperate for this ache to leave me
Jesus please
take this ache away from me

I want to put a blade to my weakened wrist
can't bear the pulsing, pulsing
beating, beating
of the blood pumping through my veins
Let my body surrender to the darkness
like I have

I need to scream it into the void of nothingness
can't bear these words that are stuck in my throat
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so so so sorry

t h i s   i s   a l l   m y   f a u l t
Jul 11 · 146
too late
Leah Carr Jul 11
Why.

Why am I so stupid
Why am I so ******* stupid

I knew I had hurt you
but no
I had to ignore it

If only there was a way
back
but there isn't
so I'm trapped here

I chose to push it
aside
and now it's too late

Why am I so stupid
Why am I so ******* stupid
Jul 10 · 509
reading between the lies
Leah Carr Jul 10
Let me see your scars
Not the ones on your pale skin
Those behind your eyes
You can learn more from those kinds of scars.
Jul 9 · 97
louder
Leah Carr Jul 9
I look down at my red, inflamed arms
I turn the music up louder
trying to let myself sink into the heavy beat
or at least to feel it

The memories are vivid behind my eyes
I turn the music up louder
in a desperate attempt to drown out the noise
of my own dark thoughts

Burning pains destroy my weak, exhausted muscles
I turn the music up louder
and louder
and louder...
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