It's sticky and sweet.
It engulfs every part of me.
It envelops my mind
Milky and bittersweet.

I've tried to scour it away.
A persistent desire
To make myself clean.
But the feelings stay.

I've managed to remove patches of this love for you.
But with every God forsaken memory of us
These patches heal their own wounds.

The bilious substance manages to cover up your visceral words.
It clings to the hate you gave me
And even as I pry myself from your grip.
The love stays.

What a shame.

I'm covered in the memories of what used to be.
I pick at the past.
Trying desperately to peel love for you off me.

It seeps through every crevice in me.
Filling all the spaces I wanted empty.
Your love, once a comforting embrace
Is now a viscous liquid that suffocates.

Invisible, but still there.
It slashes through my chest.
Bleeds through my thoughts.
A consistent unnerving pest.

I want to be better.

I want to never hear the voice in my head mumble about the could have beens.

I want to love who I am.

I want to be happy with the people I spend the most time with.

I want my parents to be proud, and to wipe that disapproving look of worry and sadness off their face.

But mostly, I just want to be better.

A promise with a chain.
Already so long it can wrap itself around you.
But it lengthens with the days.
Adding links while you count pennies.
Growing in strength,
While you live in squalor.
A small price to pay,
for the American dollar.

They bury you.
Under stones so big, only the rich can move.
But you're broke so you can't improve.

Around you chains coil.
Until completely enveloped.
Now you know,
The whole systems corrupt.
Your spirit begins to decompose.

We helped you with money,
Now stop earning.
We helped you with education,
Now stop learning.
We helped you with salvation.
Now stop living.

We ruined your credit.
We scared away your employers.
You took our money.
We took your future.

Seems fair.

Hearts don't break.
They crumble.
Like loose sand mixed with water
They can be formed and shaped
Into the likeness of one's choosing.
For awhile a castle is built.
And it's lovely.
The way it plays with the sun
It looks sturdy and stable.
But so many things can destroy this castle.
The sun steals the moisture.
The tide crushes with waves.
Weight burdens with pressure.
No matter the reason
The sand crumbles.
What was once solid
Now slipping through fingers with ease.
And no matter how hard you try to catch it
The sand crumbles.
Carried away by the sea.
Moved by the wind.
The sand shifts, never the same
The grains split, move, dance, drift
Taken away.
Like the sand,
A heart crumbles
Never the same
Split, moved, drifted apart.
How does one reform a crumbled heart?

First the worst.
Second the best.
But second place has never felt great.

I can't be good at everything.
But I want to be good at something.

Every time I try I fall short.

Short of expectation.
Short of exception.

All I want is for my best to be good enough.
Not all the time.
Just once.

I just need one time.
One time when someone looks at me and says yes.
That's it.
She's perfect.

Good enough for a job.
Good enough for a person.
Good enough for a family.
Good enough for a religion.

I don't feel bad.
I just feel not good.
Not good enough.

A darkness creeps throughout my mind.
Quietly weaving it's way through crowded places.

A monster.
A parasite.

It leaches to a negative thought.
Caresses it in a cynical embrace.
Feeding on a thought that was originally so small.
Warping and weaving negativity into despair.

Creating intricate webs to trap more fuel.
My mind is no longer my own.

The darkness grows.
Tinting the world around me.
Altering my perspective.
I am not myself.

I used to see the world through rose colored lenses.
Now I don't even remember color.