It's not like i can't see
I know beauty
I know what is beautiful
I know I'm not worth beauty

It's not like i can't feel
I know positivity
I know what is hope
I know I'm not worth any hope

It's not like I don't live
I know life
I know what it means to live
I know for a fact I don't deserve to live

One more
And there goes another
And another
I'm helpless to this assault

One cherry here
A cherry there
Completely red cherries
****** scarlet cherries

One, inhale
Two, exhale
Keep going
It's still far away from Three

One second
Took that long
For memories to seep in
This would be first and last

One droplet
Of sweat and milk
Lay on sheets
Evidence it was real

Tick
A tear falls
Smiles fade
Tock

Tick
Loud beats
Rushing feets
Tock

Tick
Once alive
Now completely far away
Tock

I thought the test was done and over
I thought that there was no more need for a mask
Yet I only proved how much space is seeking for something like the usual knowledge that fills it
I thought the ****** has already peaked
That peace is always what comes after war
That I was finally allowed to break face and stretch my cheeks
I never once thought that there was space for more
That I haven't yet escaped the forced normalcy everyone is insisting to keep
That I've always played around in the palm of their hands with no chance to get away

The birds are chirping continuously in a rhythmic beat
Found in the chamber where I keep everything I hold dear
With each chirp loudly echoing in the nothingness it is encased in
I can feel it around me
The growing goose bumps on my skin
The ghostly presence I still consider tentative
The piercing silence that I am afraid to break

I am still looking for that four leaf clover
The one that can finally rearrange the stars according to my sign
One that can make a bench warmer like me worth something

Yet a doll that holds no importance whatsoever
Is only a useless way of using space
Where a shiny medal or a bright smile can be placed
How much even is the worth of a doll
That is burnt and chipped all over that the child who once held it dearly
Now looks at it in shame
Shoved far away and below everything else
Even below baby pics and year old mints

What use are they anyway in a world where everything must be convenient and valuable
What is the purpose of staying in this world that makes you feel no longer needed
It doesn't matter if you are unique
Cause if you are useless
You are worthless