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1.5k · Jun 2019
Im not Okay
Nicole Jun 2019
For as long as I can remember, I've always had this void in my life. It's this empty feeling deep deep down inside of me and no matter how hard I try I cant quite seem to shake it, overconsuming, eating away at me, I can have happy moments when everything seems to be going great, the feelings of not being okay comes back like a head on collision.

Theres a constant nag deep down to fill this empty void, anything to make it all better. Trying from hobbies, family, friends, material stuff and just nothing. It's not simple or an easy matter to explain, especially when you get to a point when numbing it out seems to be the better option from having such a hard past, from abuse to ****** trauma.

So badly I long for true happiness, no worries. I desperately long for what I see around me, to have not a care in the world. Instead I'm in this dark hole and I cant find my way out, filled with horror, dark, and scary. So consumed with feeling crazy.

I tend to put on this act like I'm so happy and I have the perfect life, when in reality that's just not the case. I lash out and I dont mean to.

God I just want so badly to be okay. To have never gone through the things I have, instead here I am. Lost in a spiral out of control, a ride I cant get off.

One day I will look back and it will just be a memory. Just a part of my past and I can finally say no longer I'm not okay.
1.3k · Jun 2019
Boundaires Crossed
Nicole Jun 2019
He caressed her and touched her

This wasn’t right

Who was this man she thought was her father

This man that crossed boundaries

Touching a daughter no way a father ever should

Taking it to places so far she can’t turn back time

He leaves her lying there

But this wasn’t the first time

She curls in ball

Wishing it were a sink hole

So far down to just fade and disappear

She closes her eyes

Dying on the inside

Wishing she could deny to herself

What just happened
369 · Jun 2019
Broken
Nicole Jun 2019
Broken

She was broken and cracked
Innocence gone
He stole everything
She said no but he couldnt resist the urge
He pinned her
Attacked her
She didnt have a chance
He stole what wasnt his
He was supposed to be the protecter instead he was a monster
She tried to fight back
Instead she couldnt
She curled into a ball
Weak
Denying what just happened
She lost herself
No power over him
Instead a lost little girl afraid to tell
She was broken
She was shattered
Lost
Gone
309 · Jun 2019
In just One Moment
Nicole Jun 2019
In just one moment

Her inner soul was shattered and broken

Never to be the same

Her option of control was taken

In just one moment

She stares at her reflection

It's so distorted and spiraled like a black hole

She brings her hand to her face

Barely able to stand the touch of her own flesh

So foreign

In just one moment

She Never wants to go back to all those night

But feels impossible when it replays everyday

All her thoughts

Please someone take it away

For just one moment

She tries to change her ways

The ways to cope

To breathe

To live

But always turns to the eating disorder thats always by her side

And the blade that cuts her flesh

Like it was never a second thought

In just one moment

Can somene please help her find her way

Give her a chance to just live

And be Free

Please

For just one moment
136 · Jun 2019
Weak she is Not
Nicole Jun 2019
The walls were built high

High as a skyscraper

She told herself to be careful

To never get burned again

She looks to her left and she looks to her right

Who can she really trust?

When nothing is going right

But all seems to be going wrong

Looking for a way up

But she can barely claw her way out

The walls were built high

She was done wrong

Wrong for the words that were said

So strong they shattered and cracked her

Wrong for the men who abused her

Ripping her apart

Wrong for the mother who she wish she had

A mom that only wants to act like a mother when it’s convenient

The walls were built high

Maybe they can be chipped a little at a time

Letting someone in to heal her soul

And telling herself though she be but little she is fierce

Trying to imprint those positive words

Trying to believe them

Because weak she is not

She is strong and fierce

Resilient and a survivor

Though her heart was broken

It can be repaired

This is not the end of her story

She has many more years

Stories to tell

Victims/Survivors to help

Because her voice matters

This is not the end of her story

And her walls will come crumbling down

Because her true self deserves to be seen and heard

This is my story

And it’s not over
126 · Jun 2019
Loosing the one you love
Nicole Jun 2019
She grew weak
She grew scared
Afraid of what might happen
Will her mom wake up
Live to see another day
What will she leave behind
A lost husband
A broken daughter
Both full of grief
Not knowing how quite to live life
Without the one you love
Please God dont take her
I'm not ready how will it feel to loose a mom
One you longed for
Her nurture, affection, caring, and loving
Something I've longed for
Please God dont take her
I'm not ready
But facing the fact of reality
Cancer is no joke
Stealing the one you love
As I watch her grow weaker everyday
I know it's coming
Confused and hurt
Not knowing how to help
To just make it go away
But I promise to not let you down
I will be strong
I will get through this
For loosing someone you love
Is a fact of life
I will be ok
I am okay
117 · Jun 2019
Cancer
Nicole Jun 2019
This poem is about my mom

She grew weak
Tired
Overtaking her body
The pain
Scared what might happen
Will I leave my loved ones behind
Will they be ok
Cancer spreading so rapidly
Overtaking every inch of her body
Heaven calling but loved ones begging please dont go
She had no clue what each day held
Will I wake up
Will this be my last day
She cries out
The hardest part is leaving behind the ones I love
Not ready for this day to come
No longer in pain slowly fading away
She closes her eyes
Gasps as her last breath leaves her body
Gone, lifeless
The tears fall as we all stand by her bedside
And just like that shes gone
The pain becomes unbearable
Things will never be the same without you
We try to hold each other up
And just like that the cancer took her.....

— The End —