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I miss you all hours of the day
More throughout long nights
Curled up next to somebody else
It just doesn't feel right
I lie awake for an eternity
Memories in my head
Wishing it was me there with you
Instead of her beside you in bed
When finally my mind drifts off
Expecting sleep to bring relief
It is a blessing and a curse
You always haunt my dreams
Have heard birds singing
What I love most about May
Flocks flying back home
You set my heart up on a shelf
Way too high for me to reach
So I can't take it down myself
Therefore you I must beseech

Heard the thoughts you left unsaid
Swear I can almost read your mind
Expression betrays what's in your head
To not read your face have to be blind

Coming to a reluctant acceptance
On the cold side of your shoulder
That I must live without your presence
To accompany me as I grow older

Hooking up with someone new
Doesn't really help at all
Because I compare everyone to you
Making it impossible to fall

Rusted trust is decomposing
Like cars in forgotten junkyards
Pits in my soul created by eroding
Leave my insides hollowed and scarred

If I only I could stop the sorrow
Cover ears but it still trickles in
Wish there was laughter I could borrow
To drown out echoes of your voice within

I try to track down explanations
For why things suddenly went wrong
Hindsight still sees no indications
Pointing to you saying "so long"

One moment we held each other tight
The next we were pulling apart
We swiftly went from kissing goodnight
To seperate beds and broken hearts
This reminds me of the song by Keith Urban "You'll Think Of Me"
Seconds tick down
I pause to reflect

Minutes stretch
The monotonous length of nothingness

Hours loom

Days I cannot escape

Months feel like self-created prison

Hanging on by thread of sanity

Analyzing same problem a million different ways
Because I am the queen of overthinking
If we were kids again
This time I'd love you right
I was so much happier then
Filled with warmth and light

You were the sunshine illuminating my sky
Permanent smile on my lips
Looking back it makes me cry
The way I watched your love eclipse

Loved you unconditionally
Which means that I still do
Although you no longer feel the same about me
Can't control how I feel about you

You and I were water and fire
Together we both made steam
But it wasn't just lustful passion or desire
It was everything I'd ever dreamed

Why do all good things have to end?
You were there by me through the worst
Not only my partner
Also my best friend
I tripped and fell for you headfirst

Shouldn't have let you slip away
Made sure my grip was tight
Done more to make you want to stay
Put up an even bigger fight

I tried my best to change your mind
Make you see that I'm the one
But I guess I was a step behind
Because you were already done

I won't beg for you like you did me
Instead gracefully let you go
If you love something you set it free
Though it kills me to do so

For your happiness is all I want
I yearn to hear your laughter
Even if that means viewing you flaunt
Your new happy ever after

You may not deserve it
But I am glad for you all the same
I understand why you chose to quit
We both are equally to blame

I long to scrub your name from my skull
Or to hate you for breaking my heart
But I can't shake the magnetic pull
Hypnotizing me from the start

You don't have to say a word
Know me all too well
All it takes is a touch
It's absurd
And I am put under a spell

I don't know why you do this
Waste my time with games and lies
Heal wounds you inflict with a kiss
Why bother to apologize?

Wear me out while leading me on
Too exhausted to stand
Then after completing a marathon
Without reason suddenly disband/
Don't even offer a helping hand

You just leave me heaving on the ground
Out of time and out of breath
Without looking back or turning around
Not caring about my life or death

You keep me on the back burner
Explain how that is fair
I may not be the fastest learner
But I'm not totally unaware

Yet despite your blatant neglect
I remained steadfast through the tears
When arguing showed each other disrespect
But we lasted many long years

You didn't take life too seriously
In contrast to my heavy heart
We balanced each other perfectly
Relationship a work of art

The joy was worth the suffering
I'd go through the same hell twice
To experience the ecstasy you bring
Willingly make any sacrifice

I am sure you no longer think about me
But your image never leaves my brain
Can't stop myself from acting crazy
Your absence drives me insane

There were many times of strife
But many more of peace
I have no purpose without you in my life
Helpless as I watch my self-worth decrease

I am torn into a million shreds
The future we planned for now shattered
As we sleep in separate beds
I scramble to catch the shards that scattered

Yet you somehow are still intact
I haven't witnessed one cut
Wonder if your composure is an act
Because I am anything but

Got holes all over my body
Invisible to the naked eye
Bleeding out hope and dignity
Just not enough to die

I hate the 'now' I am forced to inhabit
Because the present doesn't hold you
More ****** up than I dare to admit
Nobody has a clue

Most days I hang on by my fingernails
Barely getting through the sleepless nights
Don't pay attention to any details
Cannot tell black from white

Nothing makes sense without you here
Surroundings just colors and shapes
Living out my very worst fear
With nowhere to hide or escape

You are my sanctuary
The happy place I run to in distress
Now the closest I get is memory
But it suffices less and less

I trust that in time you will realize
What a huge mistake you are making
But if you come crawling back don't be surprised
If my love isn't there for the taking

I yearn for the seasons to ease the sorrow
Drenching my weary soul
And patiently wait for an easier tomorrow
To replace the bliss you stole

You threw away my affection
Without a second thought
As swiftly as you change direction
Our time together you've forgot

You'll be sorry when you feel regret
Because you always eventually do
But I'm done being your marionette
Manipulated by you

It will be the hardest habit to quit
I know I'll still love you for an eternity
No matter how much it saddens me to admit
I suppose we are not meant to be
From floating adrift in a salt lake
To riding alone into the sunset  

Every corner of this gruesome world reminds me of you, I know you are not mine and you'll never be.

And maybe its time, I end this lonesome charade and bury my broken heart.
I am done with my graceless heart,
I am ready to suffer, I ready to die,.
Cheers to drinks in the dark
I am looking heaven for the devil in me,
I am looking heaven for the devil in me,
Why the hell, and I am gonna let it burn through me......
 Apr 2021 John Van Dyke
The moment someone knows me
The moment someone sees
I exist
I am present
I am back to being me

And so I go where noone knows me
To where I'm openly not seen
To not exist for a few hours
Is such a blessing
Not to be
The January Lasts

It's not about non-existence. It's about getting away from the self without reset. It's about being... Refreshed. And we all do that differently.
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