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One step behind the other,
I keep my eyes ahead.
I'll keep myself together
If I watch where I have tread.

I'm sure I'm being hunted
By monsters in the night.
Not sure if I've been stunted,
Or if this is their true height.

But if the shadows wavered,
Or gave way to my stare,
I'd sing instead of quaver
And stand with shoulders square.

No time to sit and panic
Or just wait for the dawn.
Until I leave the manic,
I must keep trudging on.

Wait until I'm with you,
And then I might break down.
Take comfort when it's through,
When at last pain makes a sound.

Just save me a seat in the closet
I'm fighting my fears now:
Fear was the one to cause it,
But I will answer how.
Based on my new track, "Save me a seat in the panic room" available to stream from SoundCloud:
Inspiration grips my soul
And gives my mind no peace;
I try and try to let it go,
But silence baffles me.

Sometimes in the darkest night
It's dreams that haunt my eyes
And sometimes, inspiration's height
Looks about agony's size.

Ideas sometimes look like pain
And memories that hurt me;
And beautiful though my song may be,
Perhaps its roots concern me.

But art, it lies within the choice
To make a lie show truth
And find the love inside the voice
Of your heartrending youth.

Don't build your statues with ashes:
Compress them into stone,
And watch as sorrow clashes
With love that builds a home.

Darkness is no shelter,
But is an invitation
For light to burn the better
As fire: my inspiration.
Pliny the Elder said: "The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach."
Sunlight streaming in,
I see you unlock the door.
I run in my socks.
You open it before me...
Every time, it's happier.

I will write a book,
But I won't describe it well:
Your arms around me,
When I feel safest and loved,
Is the moment I wait for.

Unexpected poke
In my side where it tickles:
I shriek with a laugh.
How do you still surprise me
The same way every time?

Listening to you
As we sit and look outside:
Your voice on my ears
Is a song of silent peace,
Calling for me to just breathe.

I can run and jump,
I can sit through the traffic,
And I can bear it
When the crowds are surrounding.
You take the fears from my mind.

Life has new meaning,
And death is not haunting me.
The trees grew this spring
And my heart grew inside me,
Reaching without fear of loss.

When I look ahead,
I see a haze, maybe storms.
I might need a coat.
But the God of Heaven knows
And will prepare us for rain.

So as I sit here
Waiting for you to come home,
I know He sees us
And He holds our lives gently,
Using life to grow our faith.
6-2-17 ACS
When you're feeling so cold and dull
And when you look in the mirror
  and it's not what you wanted to see
Just sit down and sip some coffee
And put on your favorite socks
Just remember you're you, you're loved,
  and everyone wants you to succeed
So as long as you try, then you'll be alright.
Yeah the results don't matter,
  And there isn't a score to life.
So just try
  and you'll be fine.
motivational dialogue from my eventually successful attempts at getting up and doing things on my to-do list
Out the window there,
Beneath the glassy, blue sky,
The white sun bleaches
Everything beneath its rays.
I wither inside.
I die if I venture out.
And yet, my heart yearns,
My soul burns, to see the world.
Mountains, rivers, seas;
Indeed, just to see a tree
I would leave it all.
I would risk the burning sun,
Drop it all and run,
If forests were there for me.
I would endure it,
Knowing that cool springs waited.
My heart climbs mountains
As I answer phone calls here;
My mind explores caves
As I file cash receipts.
I watch mountain lakes
Turn gold with the dying sun
As I read emails.
But some day, I will reach out
And instead of desk,
I will grab my mountain gear;
Some day, my fingers
Will callous and toughen up:
Instead of keyboard,
I'll skip rocks across a creek.
I will do it all,
See all I've wanted to see,
And feel the cool breeze
After climbing the mountains
And fording rivers.
I'll get out of this desk chair
And go explore what's out there.
Give him wisdom and peace he's never known.
Give her humility she's never had.
Give me the listening ear I've yearned to show.
Give us grace through this before it gets bad.
'Cause he needs wisdom to deal with her words:
She might accuse him and confess little.
I don't think he's ready to be this hurt,
And I know his pride is hard and brittle.
Humility will save her from sadness
For if she admits her wrong, she'll be fine
And I will sit here amid the madness
Treading on mutual friendship's thin line.
Even though I wish this was just a phase,
To bring us through, I will bear any weight.
Lord, don't let this end in disaster.
Did you ever wonder about it?
Have my actions caused thoughts
That you put aside as unlikely?

Would you ever assume
That because of my kind nature
My depressing outbursts are random?

In the dead of the night,
Have you ever worried for me,
And thought, "Is she alright?"

Or do you take me for granted,
Assuming that I am who I seem to be,
While I am different on the inside?

Do you choose not to bother yourself
Because my problems are hard to see
And do not present an immediate threat?

But what if I took my life? "I won't," but,
Would you regret never asking me things
And wonder if you could have helped?

I do not doubt that you love me,
For your genuine care is shown every day
But I bury my problems too deep to see.

I'm sorry I make it so hard to help me.
                     This mess of me
                                 is boiling
The pressure's building fast.
         This churning, burning,
                        furnace heat—
I know that I won't last.

                 'Cause ev'rything
                          inside of me
It just keeps holding on
                  To all the things
                           hurting me
I know why it feels wrong.

                  I'm stuck inside
                        that easy lie
That says I cannot change
                  And when I cry
                               I realize
This certainly is strange.

            For though I died
                to flesh, I strive
To rectify myself;
               I tried and tried
          and then, surprise:
I needed something else.

                Nothing makes  
                 it past the pain
Except your healing touch.
        And you say, "Wait,
                 My child, wait,
For you will know My love."
April 12, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
I'm not sure if it's allergies,
Or maybe anxiety;
But burning tears come to my eyes,
And I deal with them quietly.

I always forget to take a breath—
Whether it's stolen away,
Or whether it catches in my throat,
Because there's nothing I can say.

A cold lump moved into my stomach—
It hasn't moved for weeks;
And the nausea that comes upon me
Drains the color from my cheeks.

Icicles of panic stab
My raw and tender conscience;
The voices inside my head keep screaming,
"No!" And I have to constantly fight this.

I can't sit still and just take this
I shudder, shiver and shake
I feel exposed and yet alone
How much more can I take?

What is wrong with this body?
And all the emotions inside?
If I could, I'd run to the mountains
To find a place to hide.

Surrounded by friends I think I know,
But who've never known me
I tell myself that that's a lie
I tell myself I'm not lonely.

If I once feel right again
If this throbbing in my head can cease
I'll take that as a sign from above
And soak in every second of peace.
April 14, 2016 ~ one poem a day challenge
The place that I run,

And what I run from—

The boundary begins to fade...
—"Impostor" Rob Graves & Michael Barnes
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