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Just as I had settled down,
And all was back on track,
The knot of dark and past regrets,
Came crawling up my back,

Its claws sharp, tearing up my spine,
Pierced and scratched my skin,
It crept on up to the back of my skull,
It paused, then burrowed in,

The air went black and the sky and the sun,
The floor and the people too,
I looked out through new sunken dark eyes,
And I knew what I saw was the truth.
Truth is, I am your five minute cigarette break. I’m your scotch on the rocks at 10am, and the bottle of wine after a long day at work. I’m everything I don’t want to be, yet everything you want. You can put me out after lighting me up, throw me out once I lose my flavor and empty me out like a bottle of wine. You don’t do it because you can, you can because I let you.
They married in the merry month of May
at Windsor Castle  - Hey Noney Ney!
So, Meghan and Prince Harry
decided not to tarry.
Now a baby’s on the way.
next Spring - they say..
The Queen’s amused
The Duke’s bemused
Prince Charles enthused:
saying to Duchess Camilla,
“A Jolly Good Show! Oh Joy!”
Said she: “A girl or boy?”
Said HRH "Don't tease.  
One or the other -
no transgender if you please,
nor talk of Succession
to threaten my Accession.”

TOBIAS
as my eyes roll to the back of my head,
I gain clarity
and tell myself-

“the Earth only spins in one direction;
no amount of delinquency
will ever
give you the power
to change that.”
what was once a galaxy
has become a minefield
of massive black holes,
and all our rocket ships
have crash landed
without taking us home.

lost dreams of flying,
mechanical wings,
intergalactic suffocation,
stars in glass jars
as souvenirs
just in case we got close
to the moon.

we took off as one,
our faulty parts disintegrating
upon reaching the exosphere.
turbulence, then nothingness,
a lack of closure,
and gravity
working in reverse.
(old previously unpublished drafts making their way here)
i.

I intentionally failed to wish you
a happy birthday this year,
though I know significant dates,
hours, moments, people,
by heart.
I still search for you in boys
I mistake for bandages,
the ones with eyes almost
the same shade of your hazels,
lips resounding your laughter,
resembling a wisp of your smile,
But they aren't you.

ii.

Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
because it's less painful
to stop reaching out into voids.

iii.

My mom still blames you
for everything that preceded that year.
Though you probably had no idea what happened
when we stopped talking altogether.
Can you believe it's almost been three years?

iv.

My dad wonders who was my 'one that got away'
Though, I'm pretty sure he knows
it's you.

v.

Remember how I mentioned Sylvia Plath?
How most everything she wrote
brimmed with melancholy?
How I loved every single word?
Especially that piece
where she talked about expectations
and disappointments.
You'll never know that
up to this day I still think
people are selfish enough to
always, eventually turn into the latter.
Even you.

vi.

It's sad I never got the chance
to tell you about Ted.
How she loved him so much,
she just had to dive headfirst
into the flames-- burning herself,
what was left of her--
after she found out
he never really loved her
the same way
she loved him
in the first place.

vii.

truth is,
some of us
never learn to accept
the love we think we deserve.


viii.

I don't know if you still read my poems
or if you still think about me,
about us, sometimes.
Every time you fall asleep past eleven,
a part of me hopes you do.
because I always remember you--
in birthday candles, red ribbons,
off-tune voice records, golden arches,
concrete sidewalks, pedestrian lanes,
the last flickers of city lights
softly fading out of the blue.
I remember you
in everything, in everywhere,
in everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
I want to forget.

But, how could I?

When forgetting means forsaking
the very memory of you.
Baby
Your fears are valid
I acknowledge them
But they hurt me still
I know he hurt your mom
So now you
Take it all out on me
That because he left
You think me already gone
But I hope that one day
I can get through to you
That
You are not your mother
And
I am not your father.
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