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They come in unannounced,
united, and uninvited,
demanding my attention
my hands and body are in pose with contention
at the fault of being self aware
I let these thoughts linger,
letting them leave their mark
streaks, smudges and smears
leaving when they please, only to soon return
Tears down my face,
Lord where is the grace?
A curse at times of the mindful
Writing about my first experience with meditation and the struggles that came
along
you've seen me face identities
that seem seductive,
that there was little time to retreat into an haunting
image,
but an urge for the past has came back
asking for
larger vows
that question every knock on an empty
room
"but winter is cold," and the warmth of the sun
is once again left me behind
a non ordinary
crisis

- G
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
2.14.

Cut me open
just to watch me bleed
Legends can be told
by the scars on my body
When hero’s
become human
From their glory they fall
With a world so corrupt
Comfort can be
found in the tales
of monsters and men
They hid under
your bed
stay hidden
in your head

Do you want to see
what I see?

I whispered in your ear
in the dead of the night
Rough hands
running up
running  down  
Wanting between
my thighs

I can see the lust
written in blood
Grey skies
Old graves
It’s a cold autumn day
Ballet of fallen leafs
In my bare feet
It’s my favourite playground
a cemetery of dead dreams
I collected over the
***** consumer
centuries

I’m comfortable when
the walls come
crumbling down
Finding serenity in misery
At least something
understands me
In times of tragedy
I’m always at peace

Perhaps that’s why
I’m excited to die
I tell the black crows
In circles they fly
I want them to
take me away
see every dark
and twisted place

Through the eyes of a bird  
I will travel this world
Better that every fiber crack
and fury make head,
blood drenching vivid
couch, carpet, floor
and the snake-figured almanac
vouching you are
a million green counties from here,

than to sit mute, twitching so
under prickling stars,
with stare, with curse
blackening the time
goodbyes were said, trains let go,
and I, great magnanimous fool, thus wrenched from
my one kingdom.
 Oct 25 mercy party
Myrrdin
I remember loud music,
Shades of reds and blues,
Laughter and warm bodies,
I thought "I will never be sober again"
I remember the shouting,
The color of blood and white sheets,
Sobbing and a cold body,
I thought "I will never be sober again."
☆This an older poem, I decided to post.☆
Oh, & to my lovely readers,
Just remember the following:
—No one can make you concede defeat.
—You are whole without someone else,
         You are complete.
Unabridged by all rationale,
A masterpiece, assembled by fates convened. }♡{

When the pressure
of the air
around your body
feels like torture,
like suffocating.
Just remember,
when you think it's over,
that's when to fight - or you'll keep losing what's left quicker, & quicker.
Just dismember these words,
'Cause for better or for worse,
You can't leave yourself deserted.
~
When one does not know
the gazing stranger
in the mirror.
Frozen, head to toe,
colder than ice,
Deep within my mind, in an ethereal zone.
Behind closed eyes,
Feeling like a backseat driver,
Drunk, & in my own car - the basement of existence.
Flooded lungs,
Feet like phantom weights,  
The quiet swallows us.

The quiet disguise, oh my God, who do I trust,
When the man staring back,
will never know love.
I will never know love. ~
What could I miss, when I must miss what's considered life's most?

From another world,
or any mirrored surface,
The sinking sight of disfigured man & truth, swirl.
Against this apparition
frightened, staring
Wanting so much to run but I am always lured

Diminished for a while,
I began to look in the mirror with a smile.

Dreadfully,
the occasional feeling returns to me,
Like a Phoenix ruse, & blazing rise.
It is not unceasing,
But when I do feel it, all I can think of is it's absolute potency.
Dysmorphia takes leave - a trick,
& Like a calculated predator,
Unmercifully, it ensues.
Gotta get it's grip off my throat. God, let me go.
I will never know love. ~
& The smile hits me like a piledriver through soil,
I can imagine it unweaving soul.
I will never know love. ~
Oh the room has spun, and tables run,
Left with the emptiness of you.
Looked into the mirror & punched until it was done -
Spent midnight looking through a filter.
A reflection in blood.

I will never know love. ~

Emotionally consumed,
I'm too far gone, can't hold on, uncontrolled in the doom,
At least this time I feel something at all.
I will never know  my  love. ~


By: Ashton Conor Amstutz



#BodyDysmorphia
 Oct 6 mercy party
susurri
She hated that he would always be the unanswerable question in her head. The lingering enigma that taunted her before sleep. It never mattered the amount of time that went by or the happy memories she made after him.

The night that she left him behind, she learned a lesson about rationale. The right choice can be the most painful—she was prepared for that. What she didn’t expect was the anguish of freedom; for the mercy she gave her heart to haunt her.
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