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Julia Celine Nov 2018
You avert your eyes
From anywhere I could be
You look away unless in trial
Of ways to try to change me
You point your blame, I only hope
This will grant you some reprieve
I'm sorry life has been unkind
I'm sorry good people leave
I'm sorry we've been dealt the cards
Laid on this wobbly table
I'm sorry life so often feels
Like walking on a cable

I can see this doesn't settle you
You want to walk away
Well darling, if it helps you
You can give me all your hate

Go on, travel the whole world
Let your eyes breathe in the scenes
Hurt again, then learn again
That the world can be so mean
Come to the conclusion at
The bottom of a beer
Smashed or pieced together,
I will still be here
You can break me in a million pieces
And shatter all the rest
You can promise me no more
But you can't make me any less

So my darling, let me stay by you
And wipe away your tears
I share your thoughts, I share your hopes
I know the endless fears
I can't promise you perfection
But if we make amends
I'll show you how broken things
Can still learn how to bend
Julia Celine Oct 2020
I was still a dreamer
When you left me in the spring
Held my thoughts together
With tightly rolled up string

I always had the answers
But fate’s a funny thing
Her thread caught on a bird
With no faith in her wings

I packaged all your things
And I keep them on the floor
And you’re still here with me
But it doesn’t feel like it anymore

And it’s okay, of course it’s okay
That you need to walk away
I know you need the space and time
But please, if you don’t mind

I’ve got letters on the shelves that I can’t reach
Full of words that would have held you close to me
There’s a home dismembered, packaged nice and neat
In the boxes labeled “all that we could be”

When you go
Next time you go
This time, just go
And take it home with you
Julia Celine Apr 2019
Everything hurts and you're not here to heal it
You're not here to rub my back
Kiss my head
Hold my hand
You're not here to wrap your arm around my waist
And pull me close
The thing that hurts the most
Is that you could be
And I just...
I never thought you wouldn't want to
Julia Celine Feb 2020
I want love where love is due
Do you know how much I found in you?
Do you know how painful it is to lose
The one you'd a million times choose?
The spot you left vacant is a gaping wound
I search for water in sandy dunes
My heart, too shallow, will be buried soon
Alongside the love I thought I knew
I thought I held it close, kept hope alive
Could fill an ocean with tears before I dive
Searching aimlessly for life below the tides
I knew the truth when I ran out of time
That the hand encircled around my wrist
The lips that healed with a steady kiss
Laid my worries, my fears, my head amiss
In favor of a heart that basks in this
This light, this warmth, I'm safe to adore
Settled my blood, strengthened my core
Opened me up, brought me to shore
Then love welcomed me home through an open door
Julia Celine Jul 4
There is a place for us
Where the grass is always green
I chose to take your hand and walk with you
inside this dream

Oh, how the calamity of our ending
Caressed my frozen cheek
As we tried to deny the truths
inside the depths of our beliefs

Heal the wounds torn from the wreckage
Upon this calloused stone
Card through the callings of an animal
That pulls the skin from bone

Show me the truth, that I do love you
But sometimes love is not enough
And for everything I want for you
It may not even be so much

So if we were never meant to be
It's fine, if I must set you free,
If the cold is setting in,
Then wait a moment here with me

There is a place for us
Where the grass is always green
And my love stays here, eternal,
Inside a moment's infinity
Julia Celine Oct 2020
You hid it in my laugh lines
Painted rips into the canvas sign
So smile for the camera man
Who knows when I’ll be yours again
Julia Celine Jun 20
I climbed a mountain
to become larger than I had been
And the higher I climbed, the less it all
Seemed to create some sort of sense
For all I hurt for, must have been something I loved
Something I loved much more than me
But from here, everything I loved is small...
So much smaller than I could be
Julia Celine Jan 2019
If I’d been resentful
It should’ve been a surprise to none
Love was a million things I could’ve known
And I would have settled for just one

And I’d have taken all the essence
Let it fill me up inside
Felt the earth shudder beneath my feet
And held on for the ride

With white knuckles I’d clutch the single rose
Thorns piercing in my skin
That which grew in sunshine, in rain
Knew miracle and sin

It taught the ocean how to toddle
Back and forth across the shore
And even in its tantrums
It never kept a score

I taught my eyes to blink and welcome
As it does with every night
The sleep that replenishes wonder
With the darkness in my sight

You can determine a gust upon the breeze
But the wind knows no direction
And you can battle with the skies
While the earth has no detection

But I teach my heart to dance
And steady for a while
No one needs to be alive
No one needs to smile

But I taught myself to care
Although the world taught me indifference
I taught myself to live the journey
Instead of focusing on the distance

And when I saw you,
Over a million different things,
I saw technicolor beauty
And I taught my soul to sing

I kept in mind that you were life
And ever-changing and free
But I thought happy would be enough
For you to choose to be

So maybe I don’t understand
Why good people walk away
I breathe in heavy wind gusts
And in the receding water wade

And if I’d been resentful
It should’ve been a surprise to none
Love was a million things I could’ve known
And I would’ve settled for just one
Julia Celine Oct 2020
Dark, crystal blue
Tide pools that lie to the side of the sea

They carry the waves
People surf to feel free
But eventually they became
Like tsunamis to me

Your eyes held the sky
And all it’s potential
When you thought of me well
I deemed myself special

When raindrops fell from the clouds
And crashed on the ground
My eyes, like the earth,
Took them in safe and sound

From the day you arrived
I thought I was alive
Blue lightning lit up the gray in your eyes

If I were smart, I’d know better
Than to ignore the storms that it hides
And the winds that would influence
Every thought in my mind

You push and you pull
Until you get your way
And I let you take me
Out past the waves

When you let me go
I might have thought to swim
But with no end around me
I wouldn’t know where to begin

The ground seemed warm and inviting
I let myself sink under the water
But as the depth stretched out farther
I think it only got colder

Although I was thrashing around
I swore I was okay
I knew that by then you didn’t want me
But I insisted that I stay

By the time I stopped fighting
You were already gone
So I cried and I cried
And all that I saw

Was blue, shining blue
Bright, hopeful blue
The gift of the unknown tomorrow, blue
The only color I could’ve sworn that I knew

But it’s been a long time since that meant anything to you

And it was a long time
Before I realized I’d stopped breathing
I figured it’d be a longer time yet
Before I could feel my heart beating

For the first time ever
I wondered what was in your sight
When you looked at me
And your eyes held that light

I wondered if it had meant anything at all
Before I decided it didn’t matter to me
You were loving and you were hateful
But more than that, you were free

With you, I don’t know any more than I dream

So I won’t try to analyze
Any more than I see
I know blue, only blue
As b. l. u. e.
Written while listening to Fear by Sleeping at Last
Curious little hoarder
With stacks of bottle caps
Sitting in my old kitchen drawer
Forgotten in the past

There’s a spotless old report card
And a smoothed-out try-out number
And a dulled-down, hidden razor blade
Buried in the clutter

Here’s my first acceptance letter
Tie-dyed with coffee stains
And a random transit ticket–
I don’t remember missing that train

And seven bottle caps
From seven empty bottles
Downed to allow myself to picture
The life that I’d once modeled

I sip from stolen promises
It tastes like alcohol
Beside some crumpled poems
My anti-adderall

Why did I keep you?
What purpose do you seek?
Or do you just exist to be there?
Do you just waste time like me?

God, I really wanted to be something
When I didn’t want to be at all
I found the greatest height
Looking for the fall
Julia Celine Nov 2018
Sometimes I wish I never met you
That I let the pain ease when you left first
Sometimes I wish I never blew this bubble
So I'd never see it burst

It's so fragile, so encompassed
in the way it carries through the wind
It knows no resilience
The way it knows no sin

It knows not where it is headed
Nor does it care to know
Bending blindly to the breeze
That sways it high and low

–So arbitrarily
Careless in its endeavors
Every minute an admission
Of an invisible forever

Catching light in its reflection
Shining 'til the very end
For a time, at least...
You had me smiling like a child
And waving in the wind
Julia Celine Oct 2020
Something at the end of this rope
                       has it burning at both ends
But I'd light a thousand fires
                       to meet you here again...
Julia Celine Sep 13
You made me swallow down these words
Only for them to come back up when spurred
At the tip of my tongue, my thoughts
Shout out angrily to be heard

You think it all as meaningless
When you wash away my sound
Now you're gurgling your excuses
And maybe I'll let you drown

I smile through your babbling
And grant you my silence as you prompt me
I know what you want to hear but oops,
I guess I choked again
Julia Celine Mar 15
Don't you miss the feel of it
Like rain against your skin?
Do you jolt the thoughts into your brain
To breathe them out again?

Do you raise your hand to sink down where
The burn becomes a cool?
And lay your heart to float out where
The drops become a pool?

Because I used to wrap myself up
In the comfort of no time
And indulge myself in the thought
That no one needs to be alive

Well for a while I was able to freeze
The hell inside my mind
And now I'm left to ponder
All the warmth beneath the ice...
Julia Celine Apr 2019
My skin still knows your touch
It shivers in the cold
The goosebumps chase an endless path
I think
They're reaching out for you
Julia Celine Mar 5
I never felt like I depended on you
I kept my feet on solid ground
We coexisted and took time to listen
To our vastly different sounds

But you learned how I take my coffee
And all my favorite brands
The little things that live between
Our well-choreographed dance

And before I knew it, you'd become
A vital part of the song
So now I misstep with uneven breath
Because the notes are falling wrong
Julia Celine Nov 2018
I always pondered her ocean eyes
Her future, I saw, beyond them lies
Vast, encompassing an open world
And past the limits of the shore, her brave waves curled

My love washes away all my worries
Drowns out my misery
And now as she sets sail to sea
I worry how far she'll sail from me

So I whisper to the winds, "Go easy"
I barter with the tides
I beg the skies to open up
And let the stars align

Lend her light when shadows casted
Obscure the deep unknown
My love, she directs with the sun in her chest
Rooted down to the core of her soul

And I know she doesn't give up easy
Sometimes she may put up a fight
But to see her blue eyes shine like diamonds–
There's nothing like that sight

So follow each adventure
I don't doubt'll yield victory
Watch her learn and grow and grow and thrive
Please, ensure her lasting safety

As she travels to distant destinations
Shine on and when she's ready
Construct a map of constellations
And lead her home to me
Julia Celine Mar 12
The daffodils will grow in the yard again

Now that the last of snow will melt

My dear, I think we're older now

And we must grow as well
Somewhere in the madness, basking in the summer heat
I wish I knew the castles that would crumble at your feet
‘Cause when it’s cold here, I’m a soldier, getting too used to defeat
What a silly, helpless fool, remembering a time when I was queen
Julia Celine Apr 23
Giving you my love was easier
When I had love to give
Now I'm echoing the sentiments
Of moments long since lived

And I promised you the moon
I know that I did
But lately the stars have been so blinding
And I simply just exist

Among the shadows that befell us
On a night more dark than this
You point out a shooting star
It must have been one that I missed
Julia Celine Oct 15
Sometimes I feel like your story book
The pages that you flip open on bad days
To relive some sort of angst only
to inevitably close and breathe a sigh of relief
Knowing it is not your reality anymore
And I am not real enough to you
To inquire about the sequels
The ones you haven't read
But are drenched in the aftermath of your actions

Living, breathing consequence

Do you believe that I've forgiven you
Because you've forgiven yourself?
Because you are better now for someone else?
Do you think I remember you fondly
Because I am always so kind?
And don't consider that, like you changed, maybe
I have too?

In a wave of nonchalance,
You ask me how I am doing

I want to ask if someone asked you to reach out
Someone who knows me and may have guessed
That I've had one of my fragile days
And knows that I might be more susceptible
To grace

And I say
I've been better since you ripped out my pages
But I still have days when I wonder
If you would have ever cared enough
To do more than borrow me
And return me here
To this dusty shelf
Julia Celine Nov 2018
I thought I strived for black and white

Until my brown eyes met blue

And then there was a second world

In the space between me and you
I don't need simplicity, I need the complexity of your soul. My love, you could cause flowers to grow.
Julia Celine Sep 18
I grow more tired than you,
who's always running
And loves life's sudden dips

And you'll grow tired too
Of waiting
For me to jump this rift
Julia Celine Nov 2018
I don't want to burn down in flames
And say
Remember when it was just embers
And I ignored it?
Remember when I felt the heat
And I let it get away
As passion
And warmth?

Remember when the cracks in the floor
Were pretty little imperfections
And not the gaping ravine we see before us now
And long before it was able to swallow us whole
I had the opportunity to walk away?

Then would I save myself this agony
At the cost of your love?
Or would I drown myself in darkness
And lose the stars above?

Darling, I can't promise myself you'll stay
I can't guarantee at the end of the day
After all the things I've learned
I'll look at you the same

Because if I can break myself away
Before the waves drag me far in
If I could let go of my love for you
Maybe I have the chance to love again
#love #pain #leave #risk #choice #question #trust #regret #hope
Julia Celine Jan 2019
When my flames are all extinguished

I hope the ashes show I'd grown tall

I can't control the wind and rain that befell me

But at least I'd burned at all
My worth is not diminished by what tries to make me small
Julia Celine Jun 5
Like dust in the wind
I'm the tiny particles
Following in your footsteps

Like small talked words
I lay forgotten
Upon your restless lips

Still there but not quite there
I seek out
Some important form

Like dust in the wind
I'm scattered
Spread too thin across your floor
Julia Celine Feb 18
I want to put a spell on you
On a wishful sort of whim
Spilling all your secrets
Through the shivers on your skin

I’ve been silencing the voices
That beg to let you in
I’d rather lead the charge
On caving your walls in

And hide behind my armor
Gone rusted from the rain
A heart of stone to later atone
For any remnants of my pain

Maybe we could be magic
But in fear, I make my bed
And bury all our “could be’s”
That could fall to love instead
Julia Celine Aug 26
Cornflower blue covered capsules
They turn the axles now
I know that you’d be scared too
If you surfed a furrowed brow

I could love the rain more if
I wasn’t made of wooden bones
And I would love me more if
I didn’t have such a fragile soul
Julia Celine Feb 17
If you need me, I'll be in my garden
Roots all imbedded straight past the margins
Ardently sated, like you could taste it
The honeysuckle horrors in all of my pages
Julia Celine May 23
Live with me away from here
Where the poppies wilt to nothing
I promise I caught these little secrets
in days when the roses caught me blushing

Cascading light on fallen clarity
Left for a past that'd gone indifferent
Isn't it something, we found infinity
And learned how little that it meant
Julia Celine Apr 27
In depths too heavy
I held your hand
But it would never be enough

Carrying my mind
And weighted hearts
Across this vacant plain
Julia Celine Nov 2018
There came a point when I realized you couldn't hold me up anymore
And it was when you were holding on far too tight
I wish that I could tell you all of this with my eyes
Because nothing I say could ever be enough
And I know you wanted to see me prosper
Wanted me to show you all I could be
If it's any consolation, I tried
With all of me, but
All of me
Turned out to be
Nothing but
What I could do
For you
Well Mama,
I tried to be a fire
You were my gasoline
But I'd sooner turn to ash
Than let you empty yourself for me
Julia Celine Jun 6
I speak to the moon about you
And she's tired of hearing about your phases
We drink to you until the sunrise
When all your light seems somewhat faded
Julia Celine Mar 19
With my head in the clouds
I promised myself no more
All the dreams that once embraced me
Were lost in this greyscale haze
Of memories of the dark days
Diminished by the light
Like a reel of film
Exposed and muted
And I–
Might let myself fall in this

              I'm not so good at writing happy thoughts
              The unfamiliarity paints a stranger in my mind
              That feels so strangely like home

              But you hold out your hand to me
              And I think I can see it–
              The kaleidoscope of colors
              That burns from within

                            It's chaos, confusion and carelessly crude
                            The fear and excitement's a belligerent blue
                            Blood red wreaks havoc on knotted up seams
                            To break through the barriers I've built up for me

                            It heals all the wounds with a lilac calm
                            It assembles a mural on ivory walls
                            It murmurs a secret in marigold scrawl
                            Of the colors you discover inside of the fall

                                          You smile and I melt in a rose-gold twist
                                          And I think I–
                                                        Might let myself fall in this
Julia Celine Apr 28
Your indifferent hands make disarray
Of meticulously maneuvered letters
Tethered by the taste of sunlight
Cast upon the header

I know you don't love poetry
But my heart still longs to write you
Knitting rows of golden thread
That ties my soul to you

Though I know it never reaches you
I see the vacancy in your eyes
And I wonder how many fabrications
I've sewn together in my mind

I tell you that I love you
In way too many words
I wrap this thread around me
And pretend you ever understood
Julia Celine Feb 2020
Lay me down
In your loving arms
And I'll trail my fingers across your skin
Counting your freckles like the stars
And if you ask me why I love you
It's how you are, how you are
So I trace your neck with addicted lips
Stop me before I get too far
But at this point, my darling
I think I'm too far gone
Couldn't find such pure perfection
In any picture drawn
You could lose me to your heartbeat
You could drown me with your eyes
Send me floating with your touch
And anchor me with sighs
Julia Celine Nov 2018
I let my heart get the best of me
Again, this time
I laid my lips on risk
And found how sweet it tasted...

And I crumbled down in this destruction
Grasping for another hit
And I sat up from where you played me
Gasping, just to breathe a bit

But it all went into you, my dear
It all went into you
And I'll be lying, feeling hollow
Before this night is through

For I hugged close to all your edges
Like the thread upon a spool
And each time you spun and turned me
I unraveled to a pool

Well if I am to drown in this,
Would you mourn me in the rain?
Could I drip into your thoughts the way
You're flowing through my veins?

And if I whisper in the darkness,
Could I then become your ghost?
Haunting, knowing that I loved you
And I'd loved you more than most
Julia Celine Oct 16
I really made a mess of this
As I looked into your eyes
You said, "Bury me in fiction
Or give me truth I can't deny"

The truth is all I had was me
And a thousand little lies
I almost wish I told a few
Before you said goodbye
Julia Celine Oct 11
They dropped me by the side of the road
When I still had more to give
So I trudge on, dirtying the hearts
Of anyone willing to let me in

Had I served my own purpose, maybe
Life would be more kind
But instead, I simply became yours
Left for someone else to find
Julia Celine Jan 22
With hands that love to hold
And feet that love to run
I loved you, I loved you
As the moon would love the sun
Julia Celine Feb 17
Hide your frail pretenses
In the curves of every arc
You think that I don't know
Why you only touch me in the dark

And flinch away when I reach out
As the sun begins to rise
You stiffen up, you've given up
On looking in the light
Julia Celine Mar 17
I laid my secrets in the shadows
That follow where I lead
But now my steps are growing weaker
And they're tugging back at me

I thought I spoke into oblivion
The words cut off at my teeth
I fed them to my shadows
And now my shadows feed on me
Julia Celine Oct 2019
I have a museum of you in my camera roll
I sneak in every day after close
And I whisper words of love, of safety
To every one of our smiling photos

I smile for the stars in your eyes
While the tears roll down my face
I say a prayer for every memory
That you've already erased

Because, my baby,

I loved for every rose-filled photo shoot
And for heart-shaped York chocolate candies
For candle-lit outdoor porches
And constant kisses in the movies

For infatuated poetry and stupid car-ride singing
For lazy, sunlit, cinnamon rolls & cuddles types of mornings

For play-filled cooking in the kitchen and food truck, hopeful dreams
For the warmth and light within you, I've seen bursting at the seams

For together, but apart, late-night binge TV shows
For texting games and picture frames and learning how to grow

For bears, bunnies, sheep, and elephants, and the way you say my name
For the butterflies left wandering a recently vacant plane

I think...

They got lost inside your laughter
Caught on the edges of your smile
Danced along to your steady heartbeat
And closed their eyes for a little while

They opened from a nap on the beach
And as the waves began to unfurl,
They curled closer in and smiled
For the most beautiful girl in the world

If I reach out, I can touch it–of this, I'm pretty sure
The infinite ways I've tried to express it, all the reasons I love you for

It shudders at my fingers, the pain still trembling at the door
But if I try, I can't regret it, all the things I love you for
I love you for our little everything, for today and forevermore <3
Julia Celine Feb 24
She was the summer days I stopped counting
The hours, I didn’t mind
Wasting them away into the sound of crickets
Somewhere in the night
The clock somewhere kept ticking
As I looked in her eyes
They’re more earnest and more beautiful
Than all the world combined
So much I didn’t need to see
As the darkness overcame
As if promising eternity
I held her to my frame
I let the moments overtake me
Time became but a construct
No I didn’t know anything
But love and care and hope and trust

But today I laid down to rest without you
Knowing the time, the date, and then
I realized that I’d spent the day
Counting every second

And maybe, we never had enough
Julia Celine Aug 5
Sometimes it feels like I hold you in the palm of my hand
You’re too stubborn to stay seated, you’re too scared to stand
So you lean on impulsive promises, a thousand planted seeds
Plant yourself halfway through the doorway and throw away the key
And look to me to water your garden
A consideration I haven’t yet bought
And you need me, now you need me
I’m not so sure that’s what I want
Julia Celine Jun 4
Living on borrowed time,
Our love built a fortress
That we'd never get to live in
It's reinforced with resilient hope
And embellished with reminiscence
Too bright to be buried
Too strong to be knocked down
But we defend against nothing but footsteps
As we walk from this hallowed ground
Julia Celine Apr 25
I've seen how beautiful you bloom
That's why I work so hard for you
I've seen the power of your flourish
That's why I stick around
Even though you pierce me
That's why I bleed so nice for you
But all my hopes and dreams are memories
That I tried to plant on snowy grounds
Julia Celine Mar 24
I must have begun writing at some point
But by now, I’ve lost track of my own wayward thoughts
And I’m starting to lose the point of my words
As my pencil’s dulls down
Like it knows that we are simply
Speeding up time
And dragging it out
With the lead on the paper
And maybe a period would be good here
So even if I can’t continue,
“Should I end it now?”
“Should I end it now?”
I ask but I
Find myself mesmerized
Or desperate
At the thought that I might find what I’m looking for
Somewhere in these scribbles–
That if I carry on,
These lines will make a picture
And tell me what to do–
That all of this will mean something
And not just augment the confusion
In every passing line,
I play editor in my mind,
And to avoid that final point,
I place some commas in my life
Julia Celine May 20
You may have nothing but kind words
But I
Still shudder away at the intrusive suspicion
That I must study your cadence
For any inflection
To find a truth
That caters to
My worst imagination
Julia Celine May 3
I can't live off of the stories
I wrote in better times
Finding bits of love and lasting
Left in someone else's mouth

For the fear of what I am now
Or what could then become
Of the trail of crumbs I left
To hush a hunger far too loud
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