Diana

Diana May 27

Untitled

I'm numb
Maybe in a depressed state
For sure in a depressed state
It's grief
Again

You've left
We've said our goodbyes
And it felt inadequate
Less than what I imagined it would be

I left numb
And it has carried with me since

Goodbyes are sacred
And yet I ******* hate them
Yet this time
There was no ghosting
No bitterness left unsaid

We came
As best as we could
To each session
And as all seasons tend to go
It ended
Maybe paused
We shall see in autumn
What out souls find to be true
About what happens to us
Our dynamic relationship

I feel incomplete
Like there's this itch I must've thought I scratched
But I realize now I didn't
Oh well
The depressed state I'm in doesn't seem to worry much about it now

No one wrote this blueprint in life for me
Much of anything else
So as I've done before
I do now
Trailblaze into a territory unknown
Except this time
I no longer have her next to me
In the way I did before

It's been weird since kemp left. I've busied myself and it has been helping. I feel and welcome the numbness. Utterly devastated but the anger tampers the sadness. I wonder if other ancestors before me have had a spiritual guide or counselor or therapist that they've had to say goodbye to.

Diana May 27

Old friends...

Too much life has happened to me
To be able to relate to you anymore
I need more
And I find you not enough

Diana May 20

to simply just be with me as I am in whatever way that silent, wiser voice within calls us

As the knowledge
Of Kemp moving to North Carolina
settles heavily in my bones

I realize

I crave an individual
Who does not offer solutions immediately upon a revelation of mine mid conversation
But one who sits with me as I am

In whatever shape or form it takes

One who can absorb and contain my experience of speaking a feeling or experience into words
And have them just be as they are

No need to rush the processing or movement whirling within my vessel

Sitting with me as I am
With no hurry to avoid with stirs within the other
With no hurry to feel the relief of offering surface level words of minimizing the experience my body calls me to share

To simply be with me
In my experience

My therapist is leaving. I have one more session with her. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I never was. No amount of time could help the processing of it. All I can do is be with all that is. I look forward to the corrective experience in saying goodbye.

Diana Feb 7

What do I say...

I feel new yet scarred and old
I don't know exactly how to approach
Sessions anymore
I've learned I've clung to my family's trauma as a crutch
It was a constant topic
And now
It's not
And it's almost as if I forgot that there's more to my healing journey than my family alone
It's exciting and scary all at the same time
I'm nervous
And when I think about it
Beneath the nerves is a fear of the unknown waiting to take the spotlight
What other ugly monsters do I have
Ugly memories
Begging to be translated
With the perspective and insight I hold now
I feel brand new yet scarred and old
Both in many ways
I welcome what surfaces to the tip of my tongue
Understanding it's timing is divine
While also holding space for what needs a little push
For what needs an external voice saying there's never the "right" time but this one

Diana Jan 30

Use it or lose it muscle memory

It's weird
To have all this free time alone
It's made me realize
How long I've been anxiously moving
Working overtime
Spending time with a SO

I've forgotten how to be alone
To rest
To simply be and have nothing to do

Im sad
But not surprised

It's like learning how to ride a bike as an adult
You remember doing so as a child
But there's some time before the muscle memory finally kicks in

That is how I feel now
Waiting for the muscle memory to kick in

I'm waiting for the anxiety to subside
And the face splitting grin to appear
Once I can feel the wind slapping my hair around the perimeters of my face as I ride with glee

It will come
Not now
But soon
All too soon

Diana Dec 2023

The end?

Conflicted
Where do we go now
I do not wish to initiate the conversation
Nor do you
What will the ending be
Will we still have fond love for one another
Will you hate me
Is this another reinforced lesson for me
My honesty causes abandonment
Of those closest to me