shame rips at my face the way you ripped at my clothes,
it was my choice to be there with you,
my voice that tumbled out consent,
but even in the moment I felt so far away.

It was meaningless, alcohol fueled and arbitary.
Is it society or my own ideals that make me feel this way?
That one drunken night with you, can undo all my progress
and send me spiralling back into this emptiness
that I know so well

I don't hate you, I dont like you either,
is that the point?
I hate myself, I hate that I had to scramble from your bed this morning with last nights makeup still muddied on my face,

I hate that the reflection in my mirror this morning cant accept who she's become.

You smile and I feel that thrill
And then I feel sick.
I can’t like you, I can’t give in,
Because you don’t like me back.

Is it the attention I find flattering?
Is that why I’m drawn so far in?
Or is it the curls in your hair?
And the silly way you animatedly talk about nothing.

It hurts because you love her
And because she loves you back

But when you smile I feel that thrill,
The idea of what might be fills my head
and hours are spent on futile dreams and
senseless dread

You put your hand there,
Right around my heart,
And wrapped it in string
So I would follow you wherever you went.

And I did, I followed.
I analyzed every glance,
Every dimpled half smirk,
Every message you ever sent.

You pulled me in closer with every word you said,
Every almost touch
And you held that string so tightly in your hand that I could feel it when it happened,
I could feel my heart burst.

i dread the day you learn
for the first time that
you can't just love all
the darkness in me away

and no matter how much
you care i will still toss
and turn at night and scars
might still appear on my skin

i dread the day you realize
that you can't cure me
and sometimes all you can do
is stand next to me and
hold my hand through fog
pouring out of my ears so black
and thick we can't even see
each other's faces

i dread the days i can't
get out of bed
the days you want to
take me out and all
i can manage is a prettified
shell of myself

i dread the day you learn
that sometimes no matter
how hard i try i still can't
pull myself together

the day you learn that
there isn't an answer
you can give that will
save me from my fears

you aren't the first person
who has tried to love the
darkness inside away
my family and friends
have given it their all
but someday you too will learn
that if love could
cure mental illness
the world would be
a much better place

The phyrigian lion couldn’t save me now
Nor the man on the moon with all his stars
Or the imps that play havoc at night
Please hold my hand, hold it tight through this madness and chaos.
Because the hatter laughs in my dreams and the mermaids aren’t as they seam
With snarling fangs as sharp as the Wolves that pounce through my synapses the phyrigian lion couldn’t save me now
Nor all the stars pierced to the inside of my eyelids

Growing up for me hasn’t been about maturing or becoming wise
It’s about becoming desensitized
And disengaged
It’s about losing my idealism and accepting my lot
I may have been an emotional wreck when I was teenager
But at least I knew how to feel
At least then I didn’t give up