Reflecting.....

As the pace of life slows
To protect my health
I sit here reflecting
For I can’t do much else

The global situation
On all our minds
Surreal as it is
The Earth is doing fine

I sit here listening
To the sounds of Soweto
Wondering if there’s anyone else
Like me.... locked down in Soweto

Luck it may have been
I consider myself lucky still
I wouldn’t want to be stuck anywhere else
What a story I now have to tell

There is hardship and struggle
Even for us every day
Yet there is also love... beauty...
Something so special to be here to “stay”

I’m no tourist
But still I feel unique
I wonder... is there anyone else?
Anyone else like me?

I feel I belong
I always have
But now this feelings deeper
I forget I’m not local infact!

It’s only when I sit here
And think, everything still
That I remember I’m different
Yet I’m treated like a local

I have become a Sowetan
And it didn’t start this year
It’s been happening slowly
The township adopted me, year after year

People are varied
Some are illegal
Yet, as written in the constitution
This country belongs to all

I love South Africa
But not all of it’s the same
It’s here in Soweto
Here - I got a new name

I don’t feel any different
To others around me
I have become one of them
But still wonder..... is there anyone else like me?

Getting stuck here was a blessing
How things fall into place!
Although no one anticipated COVID
Being in Soweto puts a smile on my face

I feel it’s almost sacred
To find myself here
During this global pandemic
I’ve been “protected “ it’s clear

I’m here for a reason
That has been proven to me
And whatever the reason
... it was just meant to be

I “belong “ here in Soweto
There IS no one like me
I am now a Sowetan
...just as it was “meant to be”

Ngiyabonga beautiful people **

These are hard times for everyone,
But I know my Biology;
Yet I do feel somewhat “odd”,
How can that be?

I have friends in Pimville,
Kliptown, Orlando too;
And although I can use a phone,
Sometimes I don't want to 🙁

Who am I becoming??
What is happening to me?
I have winter clothes now, and food,
And a large adopted family

Why do I now feel so strange?
I can't even explain how;
I kind of feel “less off a person”
Look down on myself….hide as well…

I feel like I've done something wrong,
Yet have no idea what that is;

I hope I haven't upset anyone,
Maybe I have…and just don't know who it is…

I feel like not moving,
Hiding here in this room;
Not because it feels safer,
But so that I can do no harm.

People are so kind and caring,
Then I look at myself;
What is wrong with me??
Why can I not trust myself ?

I feel this general “sadness”
A darkness of sorts in my mind;
But im afraid to blame the depression,
For i feel unworthy of my mind…

Its getting hard to get up,
Though every time I wake how im glad;
Disturbing nightmares all night long,
But I wake up then im tired

I get frustrated sometimes with people,
Those around me, its stupid I know;
I dont want to be a bad person,
But that is what it shows

I dont know what is wrong with me,
But I think I now know the cause;
A massive fear of the unknown,
Going back to Scotland…for the worse?

I will await Silo’s return to work,
He helps me with each phone call;
He has done so much to reassure me,
Yet I feel undeserving of it all.

I don't know whats wrong with me,
I hold my head in shame;
my mind telling me to cut,
That I deserve that pain…

I try to resist it now,
mainly for those around me;
When I do work im with children,
And I don't want them to see

Plus I have Silo to help me,
Assuring me Ive done nothing bad;
That im not a burden on this Country,
And that it is ok to feel “sad”

I know where it comes from,
I know I've repeated this too;
Im worried I don't know myself,
As this period of lockdown about to move…

None of us know whats going on,
We can only be guided by research;
scientists doing their best to provide,
Statistics, clinical trials, the genome sequences..

What is wrong with me?
It was getting better before;
Not before Corona….
Before this dark cloud came to my door.

I was doing everything I could,
Yet now I still feel its not enough;
I feel lazy, ashamed, a burden…
Why am I tired, with no work?!?!

I tell myself perhaps its the cold,
The change in season too;
But deep in my mind I know
The cause….I know its true…

Its Doctor Bryan Hart,
Yes he’s still here in my head,
Silo tries repeatedly to remove him,
And the words he implanted in my head.

He just wont go away,
He took everything from me;
My friends, family, dignity,
Even my sense of sanity.

I still doubt myself daily,
Wondering if any of its true;
I feel I HAVE to find out,
To be able to be free…

Im scared that when I go back
The whole thing will start again,
I will be a burden on society,
A waste of money, time, a nobody

The time is drawing closer,
Although I don't know for sure when;
things are slowly reopening,
Just as they should, this cant go on.

But im scared, I think thats it,
Scared that soon i’ll be back;
In the land where nobody wants me,
A land where nobody trusts me…

Of course I don't want to be selfish,
even thinking this way makes me feel bad;
Im just scared, just scared of the future,
…scared i’ll go back to the past…

I sometimes get darker thoughts too,
But im not wanting to share with you;
I’ll wait, see what Silo says,
I’ll see what he thinks I should do…

I found someone to trust,
Someone in the health sector (!),
I do trust him still….
I’ll await his return and give him a call….

I dont like me……I just don't like me…..
Nomkhumbulwa **

It doesn't come as a surprise,
Of course life’s always a struggle;
But with Coronavirus too,
The struggle is only more real.

Suffering is not new,
Nor hunger, or poverty;
Yet more than ever
People now see the reality.

Coronavirus not the biggest risk,
yet its presence here is still deadly;
With an Economy crumbling to pieces,
We all wonder what will happen to this Country?

Though numbers are low,
Compared to the first World,
Collateral damage is devastating,
With the lockdown, the situation deteriorating.

We sit here, we wait,
Watch the news at nine,
For its impossible here
To be online all the time.

Some people are scared,
Some people don't care;
Or perhaps its more a case
Of being used to living in fear.

Queues are miles long,
Yet these people are lucky;
For many there is now dire hunger,
Food parcels not reaching the poor.

The Government is doing its best,
To limit the effects of this virus,
On the health of society,
But perhaps more, on the dying economy.

Inequalities are not new,
But now they are stark and real;
The rich minority at relative ease,
The rest of the Country diseased…

People die here all the time,
The health system stretched as it is;
So how do we tell these people,
They need to go hungry to live?

With untreated disease already a burden,
Coronavirus alone is not such a risk;
But what it does do
Is creates yet more poverty and sick.

People are trying to understand
What is happening in the World;
But for most the World is far…
That World is now affecting this World…

For us, neither rich or poor,
A rare case of “in the middle;,
We are able to grow vegetables,
Write music, get to the clinic.

We also watch in horror
At those suffering now even more,
For those in informal settlements,
Social distancing is just not possible.

People are going without,
Trying to live on one meal a day;
Or going to bed hungry,
Feeding their children instead, as they continue to pray.

People here live day by day,
Earning just enough to buy bread;
With this now taken away,
They’re desperate, and some are dead.

Not due to this virus,
But death still continues;
Beaten to death by the Army,
At home, with their families….

The situation here is dire,
This Country far from developed;
The poverty, the hunger, the desperate,
No water in taps in some districts.

The situation here is dire,
I cannot lie or pretend it’ll all be fine;
people are suffering all around me
And yet all I can do is …..stay at home.

I sit here writing this helpless,
Able to teach, if it was possible for those to learn;
I feel the desperation of parents,
Education in this land must go on.

But as for now
We are either “stopped in time”, or desperate;
How the schools will eventually cope
Is anyones guess.

People need food,
People need school,
people need help,
But…..people have not lost hope.

As for myself
I write, and I plan some more;
Hoping that one day soon,
I’ll be able to help a lot more….

……Nomkhumbulwa…….

I was beginning to know who I am,
Or so I thought until now;
But now im thinking again
…..do I really know who I am?

I thought myself a good person,
Though this thought comes and goes;
But now im not so certain
Am I someone you should know?

I feel like im under performing,
Stupid, and over reacting;
As Coronavirus reached our shores
Perhaps everyone is over reacting

I look on at the rest of the world,
Most Countries affected 1st world;
For South Africa the danger is greater,
Yet others say we’re not in the world…

Do they now understand?
Or is it me being pathetic?
Im not mocking these countries
I know life must be hectic

But is it wrong to be worried?
Although our case load is small,
For with a huge *** burden
The case load surely wont stay small

Here people struggle each day,
The economy fails more and more;
Yet we need to pick up the pieces
We need to do this for all

This is not a time to be greedy,
Solidarity and compassion a must,
There wasn't any money before…..
But now finding it is a must…

Though numbers are low right now,
200 overnight to 750,
With densely populated areas of deep poverty
The spread must be contained immediately

Yes, the measures we’re taking are drastic,
But the worry and fear is real,
If this should enter our townships
Its too late…too many will fall ill

Our poor rural people are vulnerable
The mass communication campaign not accessible
What will happen to these people?
To forget about them is just cruel

I dont think its a time for mocking
Or laughing at us here in SA;
For if we don't act, the risk is far greater,
affecting millions, more than the UK

Sometimes I look forward to isolation
But not from the people here,
Rather from the ignorance online,
To help me keep things clear

No one even sees im stuck here,
Not that I wish to leave;
But just knowing people are unaware
…of the disruption here by this disease…

I have faith in the Country to act,
They have witnessed mistakes made by others,
Yet never once did we mock them
For these are people- our sisters and brothers

I care deeply for this country,
So distance myself I may;
From the cruel internet entirely,
….Thats all I have to say…

……………………..Nomkhumbulwa

Nobody knows what’s going on,
What will happen next,
When will it be gone?

Silence is golden
When used by free will,
But when it is forced
Everything seems more still

What’s round the corner?
Nobody knows,
People wait anxiously
As everything slows

The world is slowing,
Although the trees are still blowing,
Other creatures seem safe,
But humans are not safe

Schools are closed,
No one able to learn,
Hospitals, clinics,
People waiting to die in turn

But nobody knows
what’s happening next ,
The whole world coming together,
And yet also separate

Self isolation,
Quarantine too,
This isn’t a problem,
But if only we know

To know what is coming,
Will it mutate again?
How many more countries affected
We just wait in vain

It’s not just the disease,
It’s much more than that,
Society is failing,
Can’t even buy food for a cat

Here in Africa
we were lucky till now
We may still be lucky
But nobody knows

Now there is tension
The unknown but a fear
Are there enough masks?
We don’t know what’s clear

As a microbiologist
It’s actually intriguing
Yet at the same time
It may become frightening

Africa looks on at first world countries
If it should happen to us....
There may be so much mortality

Have they acted in time?
We ask ourselves
Do those in power even know?
I think the answer is no....

Nothing on the shelves abroad
A common occurrence right here
But could we cope with less?
There is already not much here

Yet there is comfort here,
Most people are calm,
Accepting their fate
Without need for alarm

There have been trying times
In this country alone
Yet people danced and sang
Whatever may or not come

Is this Darwinism in action?
Will only the fittest survive?
The world is overpopulated
...we can only try to survive

We look on in shock and horror
At Europe, America too
How can this be happening?
Is it real,,... this flu?

But for us we remain
Day by day we struggle
It’s not new....
We just want someone to explain
Our Africa right now is on edge

To those impoverished it matters less
Others watch, doing what the tv says
Trying our best , wash, wash, wash and wash

But daily life goes on
People still die of TB
And with a heavy *** burden
Death is a daily reality

So for now we wait
Patiently as always
We wait for tomorrow
For its never guaranteed

Already our systems are stretched
Education is key, we know well
What must we do for these children?
Already behind and many unwell

Apart from waiting,
Listening.....following
One thing we do have is hope,
With crisis after crisis
......Africa will never lose hope

For to hope....and accept....is all we can do......
...sending best wishes to all of you ***

It shouldnt be this way,
Is what I think i'd hear you say,
For this is a "developed country",
Or at least - it thinks that way.

So then why am I leaving,
To find help somewhere else?
To a country still developing,
A country that needs help itself.

Out of sheer desperation,
That is why im going,
To the people I love and care for,
And as an attempt to heal myself.

I gave them one last chance,
Ive explained, Ive asked for help,
I was shocked and did get close,
Yet that plan failed, there's no help.

This is the state of our services.
And to be seen in the area struggling most,
Yet here I am again,
Back where I started yet again.

It seems there is no money,
It seems there is no help,
Of course it depends on your "problem"
But for me, it seems there's no hope.

The world looks up to this land,
With its Health Service to be proud of,
But seriously, where is it??
Two years later, ive not found it.

So I will return to South Africa,
Where services are yet more stretched and underfunded,
But with patience and perseverance,
There can at least be a way forward.

Im fortunate due to the exchange rate,
It fills me with guilt no end,
For not all can access the help they need,
I dont have much, but they cant afford it, I can.

The public system is slow of course,
But that does not bother me,
For when I finally see someone -
They treat me with respect and dignity.

It may not be for everyone,
But South Africa is a last chance for me,
I know I can get some treatment at least,
And some of it is free.

It may not fix me completely,
For I will probably not have time,
But what am I doing here?
I've got nowhere, in all this time....

Yes it will not be easy,
Life in a Township never is,
But what it does give me is hope...
And with that - it allows me to "live".

.....I have not "lived" for 2 years. All I have done is "exist"....

Good night. x

You took everyone I knew,
All my friends, all my family,
You left me with no dignity,
Made sure everyone hated me.

I never knew you were cruel,
Thought I an abnormal child,
For my identity you stole,
Now all I want to do is hide.

You're the vampire of my soul,
You left me in the cold,
I'm so cold and alone,
You're the vampire of my soul.

All done in silence behind closed doors,
Made sure everyone thought otherwise,
You're cold narcissism used its claws,
You completely tore me up with your lies.

I never knew I could feel so alone,
But now everything I thought I knew is gone,
Cant trust no one, dont know whats true -
People believe the twisted lies you told....
Cant trust no one dont know whats true, ...
People believe the twisted lies you told. ...

I don't see you as my mother,
I dont even know who you are,
All I remember is fear and shame,
I dont even like my name.

I live the shame, I live it everyday,
You sided with a ******, turned me away,
It may well be hidden but its clear to me,
But covert narcissisms not there for all to see.

I bleed for you mum,
I let you hit me in the face,
Justified your behavior,
I'd always been a disgrace.

I know that you cant love me,
I hold nothing against you,
But the way you tore my life apart
Till the day I saw the truth

But where do I go from here?
In this dark and empty space,
You stole everything from within me,
To believe in the human race.

I'll never be free of you until my dying day,
Tho we hardly speak, I can feel you pulling the chains,
A victim of cover narcissism lives in constant pain,
Invisible on the outside, but im full of internal pain.

Betrayal, denial,
Blame, and shame,
Its covert narcissism,
And this is their game.....