Oh beautiful flower

Your petals are falling

Your stem is bending

Your scent is fading.

What kind of flower are you?

Not bright or tall

Nor colored or warm

You stand out amongst them all.

A flower so keen on the heat of the sun

And the chill of the night

With the wind you will run.

For the pretty and the perfect flowers

Are a comforting sight

But the flower thats different

Makes a difference in life.

The petals of spring sank beautifully in the puddles of rain as she traded her sneakers for heels, entered the back of the black car and drove away for the last time.

You can't ask other people to live your life for you.

"Don't forget about me" She said.

"I'd forget how to breathe before I forget about you" He replied.

My heart is on fire
Beating loud against my chest
Tumbling and screaming
Its suffering at best

I do not want to feel this way
To hide unconscious in my bed
To beg the Lord so many times
To drag me out of my head

My body is collapsing
My brain wont stop shouting
"I hate myself, you cant do anything"
This depression is undoubting

Another day, another minute, another second
I must hold on
But im choking on the smoke
Of the heart of mine thats gone

An arena of emotions dancing for an empty crowd

I find myself thinking,
What was happening 7 years ago?
At this exact moment?
Was it the bombshell that my mother dropped on me?
That my dad tried to **** himself?
Was it watching my mother wail at the sky as we got ready to go to the hospital?
Was it me, praying the same prayer over and over again during the car ride up?
Was it me trying to calm myself down in the bathroom before i went any further?
Was it sitting in a secluded waiting room, anxiety-ridden, thinking "why wont they take me to him?"
Was it the nurse and the doctor that told me they tried everything they could but "he died"?
Was it my own cry that happened automatically because i was still in shock?
Or was it sitting at the bedside looking at you and not knowing what to say?
Was it me saying "im sorry" or "i love you"?
Was it my trepid feet not wanting to leave your room because i knew it would be the last time i saw you?

What moment was it 7 years ago?

I guess... my memory is failing me.

I made them laugh
I made them smile
I found my purpose
For a while

But they kept laughing
When I said nothing to chuckle
Then they stared and they pointed
As my knees began to buckle

"But I was useful"
That's what I thought
But a delusional clown
Fits in with naught.

Love
It is an emotion with all the power
I find myself saying,
I cannot live a fulfilling life
Without you.
I am happy.
Because I know,
This is what I've been waiting for
Love

Did I see a shooting star?
I shot up from my bed,
There was a white glowing dot racing through the sky.
Bigger than your average star
Faster, more elagant than a plane.
It soared diagnally across the sky.
I was in a daze.
A trail of sparkles and twinkle dust dispersed from its tail.
It went behind the trees, but I could still see for a moment.
Then it disappeared, into thin air.
No where to be found.
Not through the cracks of tree branches or by a gleam in the sky.
It was gone.
No destination or proper exit.
It left as mysteriously as it came.
I made my wish quick just in case it was meant for me,
"Please, I wish to be a great author"
Was that a shooting star?
Or a falling star?
Was it a star at all?
I wonder.

Dip me in health
I want to pause time
Where no one can hurt me
And i dont have to die

A picture of youth
A dappling of stars
A wind of the past
As i wait from afar

I am weak, i am frivolous
Heal my shameful body
So i can rise from the ashes
Where the sickness cannot stop me

Four walls
Two windows
One bed
Busy head

What I would give
For open pastures
And a calm mind

You're happy
You're free
No more pain
You found the key

No more problems
No more worries
No more secrets
You must bury

An angel you are
And forever will be
You chose to leave earth,
And you chose to leave me.

I need to write
I need to write
Im caged, I'm fragile
Im drowning in fright

Awaken my body
Please my mind
His timing is perfect
So, whens the right time?

I cant hear myself breath
I dont notice myself think
The pen is on the paper
But I'm the missing link

God, why cant i move forward?
What is the purpose in the struggle?
It is harder than imagined
To pop my comfort bubble

This is how I spend my day.
Lay in bed,
Close my eyes,
Open them,
Pick up my phone,
Put it down,
Close my eyes again.
I want to do this,
And that.
But I wont get out of bed.
Something needs to change.
Maybe that thing
Is me.

My pillows aren't right
One side too fluffy
The other too flat
Flip it.
Switch it.
Bunch it.
Theres no use to it.
Maybe,
It's time
To change
Pillows
After all.

When sadness comes
I push away
"No, I dont want to do this today"

Because if I face my fears
So dark, so clear
Joy won't have a reason to stay

Supress, supress
Clean up your mess
And live to smile a new day

I cast a shadow
Throw myself into battle
I am strong
I am wise
But
Im depressed
Should i undress
My mind of mess
For you to get
Whats in my head
Im all thats left
Im intelligent
Im irrelevant
Though benevolent
Im on top
Now im below
Inside my world
Theres no place to go
Feed me lies
So i can grow

There is so much love
In a world full of hate

I wait
For the right moments
To give in
To let myself be completely open
And vulnerable
Allow myself pleasure
And happiness
But not often
Because I usually forget
How wonderful
It all feels
To feel something
Greater
Than what I feel
When Im alone

I missed you today
Out of nowhere
My eyes water

A slippery *****
Theres no stopping
A heart slaughter

****** back my winces
While reading your
Broken journal

Im splashed between words
A light you made
So paternal

Driving, I spent hours
Picked apart grief
"If I was there.."

My world sunk again
I miss your hand
Hold mine in prayer

Please, know i love you
Im lost down here

Please, help me see you
I know you're there

I cant fathom the "outness" of this
Like the world is a monster crushed under my fist
Spitting lines of
Cranium
5
Not enough sustanance to keep you alive
Dont look back when
The doors are closed
Im brave, but not courageous
Im the only one that knows
A vanity may be broken
And little am I open
To disappointment
I am disappointment
I am
Not sure
Where this is going
My head
Is flowing
Into a sand dune
But thats okay
I may just sit
And watch the full moon

Love is like a
Baby animal.
Your heart lights up
When you see them coming around the corner.
You freeze when they twitch in their sleep
To not waken them from the sweetness of dreams.
Kiss them,
As to send a message,
"You are mine and I am yours, forever".
Teach them new things,
So they grow in every direction.
Love them,
Like they are the only one in the world
That can be loved.

I have always claimed you
As my heart.
For I remember
The delicacy of your hands
Touching my face
When I needed your love.
The walls you would build around me
When you knew I didnt have the courage
To face whatever was on the other side.
The calm song of encouragement you would sing to me
When I convinced myself
Not to believe in me.
The joy in your eyes when it was
Pizza friday even when we didnt have the funds to do it
But ***** it, its pizza friday!
Mom, we've had our fights.
Your drunken nights
I would sometimes scream
To see if the Chardonnay had reached The level of your ear drums yet.
To see if your balance was unconscious again.
And when you started smoking cigarrettes,
My blood caught fire like the white tip of your newest fatal hobby.
After losing Dad, I get your stressed out,
But why do we now have nothing to ******* talk about?
Except money.
"What am I going to do?"
Ive heard it my whole life, Mom.
Because poverty is like a greedy leach
It's never satisfied,
Never ready to move on to the next
Sap with the hopes of
A white picket fence and a beautiful golden retreiver
Thats what you wanted, your whole life,
Right, Mom?
And now,
We only talk
About priorities.
Because when I'm around you
For more than five minutes,
I become Me from the past.
Your daughter locked in her room,
Afraid
Avoiding
But still missing you.
Now,
Whenever you dont return my call,
My mind slips into the dark place, remember?
The place I needed help from.
Yeah, its still there.
I fear that you are dead,
Rotting in your house
Alone.
Because Im not there.
And dad's not there.
No one is there.
Daunting, knocking on the inside of my skull,
'What are you doing? Are you okay?'
I want to help.
I dont want to make another mistake
Like when dad died
I wasnt there.
Mom,
I love you
So so much.
Please stay alive.
Please, place your hands and
Touch my face.

I've had a cold
For a week

I got mad at my body,
"Why dont you just heal yourself or die at this point?!"

I realized
I've been saying the same thing

To my mind
For years.

Our love
Is deeper than the surface

Deeper than the flesh
Deeper than the heart

Our souls, connected
By time and space

A single entity
Of endless possibility

When im anxious
I want to drink
I want to cut my wrists
Release these stressful thoughts
In the form of
Whiskey
and blood

I took some Ativan
Ive been prescribed
longer than a normal person should
Because its a benzo
And that ***** addicting
And I know that
Because I have a nursing degree

But still I think about mixing
The benzo
And the whiskey
With some blood
When im anxious

Because when im anxious
Rational thought
Is a thing in the past
Gasping for air
Feels like choking on glass
I am now physically sick
But my doctor insists
"Its just stress"

When Im anxious
I think about killing myself
But wouldnt that be typical?
Follow in his footsteps.
I can hear the chatter now
"She was never going to make it"
"Why would she do that to herself?"

Is this real?
Or my paranoia?
Because when im anxious
It all feels the same

I think I would die in vain
If I take my life
When im anxious

How long does it take?
To accept yourself.
To look in the mirror
And say...
It's okay
To be who you are
It's okay
To stop pretending
Like you're okay
Oh, K...
How long does it take?

I am alive
In harmony with nature
The trickle of rain drops
Bounce off the orange and yellow leaves.
To soak my feet
In the damp field of green blades.
To sink my back
In the silence of the soil.
Inhale and exhale
To the beat of dancing thunder.
Cleanse my body with your beautiful, mysterious tears
Mother Earth,
I am your body
Mother Earth,
You are my soul

I dont know if this job is right for me

"Stick it out for a few months, you will change your mind!"

There's so many other things that I want to do with my life that dont involve this.

"Youre making good money, keep at it, its a great career!"

I cant deal with this stress any longer

"You just started, it will get better in a few months"

My depression and panic attacks are at an all time high

"Have you been taking your medicine? I think youll feel better about this job if you keep taking your pills"

I dont want this. This is not what i signed up for. I need to stay true to myself. This cannot be my life.

"You already spent so much time getting your degree! You can do this FOREVER! I'm so proud of you, I brag to everyone I know!"

Are you even listening?
No...
No one is.

I cannot breathe

My nostrils caving in on themselves
The sensation of impaling arrows piercing my chest

My body is heavier than it was
A minute ago
When I wasnt thinking
About
My breathing.

Twidling fingers
The twitch of my jaw
Restless legs: a mind of their own

This bed doesnt feel as comfortable
As it did
When I wasnt thinking
About
Relaxing.

"Just breathe"
"Its all in your head"
"Sink into the mattress"
"Dont look at how late it is"

My mind is much louder now
Than it was
When I wasnt thinking
About
My anxiety.

Why did you do that 5 days after my 19th birthday?

As if waiting until i graduated college
Or walking me down the aisle
Or seeing your grandchildren
Would make the pain any less bareable...

And its the little things that play with my emotions

Like...

Knowing i can never text you again

-Or wait by my window to watch you drive up the driveway because you were the only thing I was looking forward to all week

-Or sitting at an old burger joint discussing the power of the mind when intertwined with spirituality

-Or seeing the look on your face when I chased you around our handmade baseball field in the backyard

Those are the things I would give my own life to get back.

But two suicides dont make a life.
(At least thats what my psychologists say)

But I know if I could see my father again,
I would be taking my life back

When you are afraid
It will masquerade
As smiles and nods
There is no escape

If fear is a lier
Yanking my thinnest wire
I am too trusting
Pouring gasoline on the fire

Now I'm shaking to the bone
My feet are made of stone
I'm surrounded by faces
Yet somehow I'm alone

Why cant you see my frustration
As I pluck out my eyes,
Outstrectch my arms
And cry,
"Please I cant live to see this anymore!"

You just shove them back into my sockets
Grasp the nape of my neck
And shove my face into that black hole of depression.
You scream,

"You are going to watch this happen to you
As we sigh in relief that it's not happening to us!"

How many of us are trapped?
So little are those that make writing
A career
So many of us
Starving
For an opportunity

How many of us are Nurses?
Engineers?
Doctors?
Retail salesmen?
Teachers?
Business people?
Students?

Life is so different outside of
The four corners
Of our screens

But here we are
Forgetting the day-to-day

Embracing
These 5 minutes of
Free
Creative
Salvation

Hellopoetry
Goodbye society

I never knew the best way to initiate *** (or this poem for that matter)
I'm either completely submissive or surprisingly dominant
There's not much in between

I first kiss you slowly
Like an old fashioned movie
Spreading your lips
With my lips
Enter the realm of unknowing

When my tongue embraces yours
My heart beating, uncontrollably
The warmth of you breath
The dampness of your mouth
Positively suffocating

Without another thought
Our clothes begin to come off
Your hands hidden within my hair
We are as we were born
Selfish and bare

Lead me into the darkness
Where the only sense that matters
Is touch
Shield my broken body
Speak unspoken love

Bracing myself
I hold my breath
As I pull your body
Closer
To my chest

Like a well known dance
Your hips move like fire
I melt loudly between the sheets
I am vulnerable
To your desire

Lay rested on your back
For I am protector of the nest
I can hear you breathing
Harder
As sweat trickles down my breast

The time has arrived
I close my tired eyes
Because its darker
And more familiar
As I arch back to grip your thighs

My whole body is shaking
Yours is too
And when it's over
Your breath is softer
My mind is now anew

And when all is done
And we've restored our sight
My closed lips
Kiss your closed lips
And we both respond "goodnight"

I'm starving with a fridge full of expectations.

Mornings.

I go to the freezer and pick out a waffle

Why are waffles the way they are?

They have craters
They break
And they flake

So I yell

"Why cant you be like the pancake?!"
So full
So soft

"Isnt that what breakfast food is supposed to be?!"

I sit back down

And finish my waffle.

I am tired
But I'm awake

If I try to sleep
My crushing anxiety will devour me

I cant breathe, I cant breathe
I think.

"Stop overreacting"

This will never stop
If it could, it would

"Just breathe"

I cant.

The darkness is surrounding
My heart wont stop pounding

I'm hallucinating
Tree branches are swallowing me whole

I need help, I'm dieing

"No your not.
Your overreacting.

Just go to sleep."

I have loved you
Longer than I expected

Harder
Than I wanted

And more beautifully
Than I could imagine

Goodnight, dear world
Today has been fun
Playing out this perfection
A game that you've won

For today I became
What I was "meant to be"
But a doubtful mind whispers
"No, This isnt me"

So sweet dreams, I hope
My mind will unlock it
The fantasy world
Behind my eye socket

A wistful woe
With a cherry on top
A submissive battle
But I'm just running the clock

If we were the last people on earth
Nothing would change.

I would still wake up
To your sunkissed skin
Dancing down your back
As your warmth embraces me

I would still kiss your lips
Say "good morning, my sweet prince"
And wrap these lanky arms
Around a promised tranquility

I would still examine your nakedness
A form only I can admire
Every crevasse of deep desire
Melts my heart of iron, how easily

I would still laugh with you
As we dance in strange places
My hands glued to your every move
As we are one, separated as two

I would still lose myself
In the candid way you live
A fly on the wall I hope to be
To catch every smile painted with glee

I would still wrestle with you
As I puff out my chest
To hear your giggled breath
I am not strong, but with you I am strength

I would still find myself
In the darkness of your eyes
When the world is disarranged 
My home will never change

We would still fall asleep
Just a little too late
But you'll see me in the morning
And I'll see you in my dreams

Because if we were the last people on earth
I know, nothing would ever change