i'm surprising you in 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds.
you have 4 days 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to finally realize i am not who you want
or who you deserve
i have 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to prepare myself
for you to leave

i have 4 days, 21 hours, and 2,938 seconds to stop overthinking

you're gone and i'm done counting

be gentle with yourself
but also be gentle with those around you

they don't understand why getting up is so hard
they don't understand why you can't sleep at night

but they are trying
and they love you

so i was writing a poem about my depression
and it made me ******* depressed and today was a good day
******* it. i was just trying to explain what depression is like

how do you explain nothing?

everything is so cloudy
i can't think straight
i can't focus on anything
all of my heartbreaks circle through my head
screaming at me
banging drums
shattering silence and peace
whispering doubts
searing self-hate into my mind.

I write to try and make all of this vanish
but it only makes it worse.

I live in many universes.
See all sides of an issue.
I am a dichotomy of a person.

Can you even be a person if you are a dichotomy?

when i told you the only thing i could keep down was chocolate milk,
you said get over it

when i said i hated eating
you said "well you can't be anorexic because you aren't 'gross skinny'"

when i tell you these things it is a cry for help
please hear me

today i was reading my sociology textbook
and listening to a spotify station from a song that already had memories associated with someone i care about who left me
then
an even more relatable song came on
and i spiraled
hard
i thought about ending it again
i went to a friends dorm so i wouldn't be alone
but i left and spiraled again
i hope i can sleep before 2 am
whenever i have an exam in the morning something bad happens the night before

do you know what really ******* hurts?
he used to cry to me
and i had to tell him i couldn't see him anymore
because i can't trust him anymore
and i can't keep letting people back in who have broken me so badly
after promising that they would be the ones to fix me
isn't that ******?
that i have to hurt someone to fix myself?
even though it hurts so bad telling that person that i can't see them

"we can't even be in the same room"
Cuz I’ll make myself feel all of this
If it’s all that I got left of you"

i ******* miss you so much Caleb
and i hear all of our friends rave about how much they love you
and all it does is shatter me over and over
you aren't a bad guy
it is just an unfortunate situation
and even worse timing
i'm sorry i can't be there for you anymore
i hope it doesn't hurt too bad
i hope you understand
i hope you can forgive me
please stop loving me so i can stop loving you
if that's even possible
i don't think i'll ever stop loving you
but then i wonder if i ever loved you as more than just friends
and that hurts even worse
i had the chance to make you mine
and now i don't even have you in my life

i hope she is good to you
you deserve the world
one day you will be happy
i have to believe that
i have to believe you will be okay without me
because i am trying to be okay without you
i have to be okay without you
i have to be okay some day
i just have to be
i miss the old me and i am desperately trying to get her back
i will love myself again one day

i hate explaining what my depression feels like to other people
because i know they are trying to understand
but how do you explain something that you barely understand
that would be like asking a toddler to teach a calculus class

so here is my attempt at explaining my depression

i have good days and bad days
the good days are a lazy person's normal days
today was a good day
i did my hair and makeup
i went to all three of my classes
i ate lunch
i washed my dishes
i went to therapy
i took a nap
i watched youtube
i went to a friends to watch a movie
i ordered pizza
i did homework
i told myself good job after every single one of these things
i told myself i was proud and that i was doing amazing and that it is ok that everything is hard
but everyday i wake up is a step in the right direction
but not all days are good days
yesterday was a bad day
i got up late
went to class
then laid in bed from 9 until my friend came to my room and forced me to eat lunch at 2
then i got back in bed until he came back at 6 and held me while i cried
but bad days don't always look like that
sometimes a bad day is me starting at my bottle of pills and crying while my roomate is asleep