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May 2020 · 138
Lisa May 2020
Spoiling with age,
a global atrophy.
If I hit rock bottom,
can I rest?
How much longer can I pick,
before there's no more ego left?
Jan 2020 · 85
Lisa Jan 2020
Sorry -
needed another fix.
Yeah, I got it,
but I'll leave it broken this time.
**** hits different,
more fleeting,
less potent.
I swear the hangover will **** me,
a karmic death I'd welcome.
I'll cut myself off,
at least try,
so you don't have to.
Dec 2019 · 83
Lisa Dec 2019
And just like that,
a sweeping fear came raging in.
Mortality at risk again,
morality might slip again.
Fill me up,
I'm empty.
Distract me please,
I'm desperate.
Oct 2019 · 139
Lisa Oct 2019
Miles apart but we meet at night,
blushing bodies,
bare and brave.
Don't stay too long,
don't leave too soon.
Sep 2019 · 92
Lisa Sep 2019
Raging inside,
a wasted energy,
a wasted brain.
I wanted to cling,
but I drained instead.
No ink, no paper,
it's all **** anyway.
I thought sadness bred creativity,
and anger was productive,
but I only lost potential.
May 2019 · 128
Lisa May 2019
60 and swerving -
pause it there.
Throw a five,
hold my hand,
pull my hair.
Twirl me around,
I might repel.
Don't scowl,
be gentle,
be smart.
It's not semantics,
it's a worn out adage -
something about cake.
Save me a slice,
I'll eat it up.
May 2019 · 77
fucking stupid
Lisa May 2019
I thought the juice was worth the squeeze
but it had too much pulp to even swallow.
Throwing it my face, why?
Because you thought I could handle it?
Ah, I fooled you,
but you fooled me back.
Shame on us both.
Apr 2019 · 120
Lisa Apr 2019
I can already feel myself missing you after this,
this one manically distracted evening.
I could cry if I thought about it long enough.
Handing out pieces of myself like I'm going out of style -
I should have listened to Holden,
but I spilled my guts instead.
My stories don't ring true anymore like they used to,
I'd rather listen to yours.
Side by side in the trenches, the thick of it -
I'll show you mine if you show me yours,
but show me yours first
so I can show you how well I listen.
Can I have a chapter?
Can I have one more evening,
for two of a kind?
Mar 2019 · 191
Spring cleaning
Lisa Mar 2019
Wellness checks for the wicked
when left to our own devices.
Spread open for sabotage
from cracks in comprehension.
Serrated is as serrated does,
wish I could be smooth.
Mar 2019 · 83
Cheat sheet
Lisa Mar 2019
Positive or negative urgency,
it still goes up in flames.
Looking for a reaction,
all the same.
Testy testing
meant to fail.
Little sympathy,
plenty empty.
Mar 2019 · 208
Lisa Mar 2019
can't quite remember but
sure it was sweet

on holiday
not sure if you meant it

spilled over cushions
drunk in...something
sympathetic reciprocity

horizontally tangled
post climactic tachycardic
my bad
Feb 2019 · 66
Lisa Feb 2019
Another lap,
another lapse.

of judgment
Feb 2019 · 79
Lisa Feb 2019
boiling over

not for everyone
barely for me

but it's fine
none of you are for me either

except one
first in four
maybe five

lucky him
lucky me
Lisa Feb 2019
Misery loves company,
but not mine.
It prefers the remote,
until it needs a distraction.
Craving the wrong things at the wrong time,
but how would I know -
my watch battery's been dead for two years.
It's for aesthetics,
wardrobe enhancement -
that hasn't been updated in four years.
I still haven't unwrapped my calendar,
but I can tell by the holes,
the loose strings,
unsightly armpit stains.
Seems inevitable,
overzealous sweat glands.
Botulinum toxin might remedy,
but leave a syringe for the black box -
she could use a three to six month break.
Jan 2019 · 80
let it abandon you
Lisa Jan 2019
Put here without permission,
but met with anger when I want to leave.'

Everyone's offended that it's not for me,
as if that says more about them than it does me.

Yet somehow I'm the selfish one,
the weak one, the dysregulated **** up.

If I could go back maybe I'd choose less stress,
something that made the other ******* seem less.

All I know is I can't stand to be here as is,
it's hard for me to get much done or feel much, that is.

Sure, occasional moments where I feel fine,
no longer longing for former highs.

But normally I'm searching for a crutch,
something to numb me or pick my mind up.

So don't ***** at me for considering a way out,
or cite reasons to stay that I don't care about.
Jan 2019 · 205
I did too much blow on NYE
Lisa Jan 2019
Always chasing, never satisfied.
Avoidance, my bittersweet adversary.
Shunning opportunity and it fuels contempt
for the now and then
for you
for me
for all of them.
Dec 2018 · 213
Lisa Dec 2018
Remember the first time?
I do, like it was the last time.

I see us in every movie,
I read us on every page.

I felt you in a new guy once,
he was bigger, but a worse lay.

I remember you in bass and bars,
in nooks and grazed skin.

I look for you at skateboard parks,
in airports, pictures, and other men.

It's like my mind's wired around you,
and the synapses can't be pruned.
We're firing together,
and you're wrapped up in me too.
Nov 2018 · 157
wrong city
Lisa Nov 2018
I'll accept the lonely, but not fully,
and don't ask me why -
I'm still weighing options.
Because it's deserved,
even if it's distorted.
Because there's nothing to give,
and too much to gain.
Because I'm compelled to wait,
knowing you won't.

Do I sabotage or do I mend?
I can only find the energy for one.
Because misanthropy,
because none of you can handle me.
"Take [them] somewhere else," he said.
I meant to say I wish I could,
but it came out as "*******."
Aug 2018 · 96
flippity flippant
Lisa Aug 2018
The brain burns 20% of your resting calories a day.
I think that's why I'm so skinny.
Back on my ******* 'cept
my ****'s always running
running running running.
The conductance rate for neurons is 90 ft/s,
that's roughly 60 mph.
I'm chasing every tangent and leaving every toll in my dust,
flying off ramps looser than the associations I'm pulling.
Pull out a map on 5% and ask you to repeat,
I'm degrading, dehydrating, can't focus, no locus.
Hop in a van to get to the next stop,
charming, alarming, floating, secured.
Aug 2018 · 122
survival of the fittest
Lisa Aug 2018
If you ask me why I'm not having children,
I'll cite the law of natural selection.

I'm simply not fit.
Jul 2018 · 736
i want a break
Lisa Jul 2018
yes I'm scowling
Don't ******* look at me

Enough water works might erode me
if i'm lucky
Drown my pores with salt
a depression blemish

Have you ever noticed how cathartic it is to cry in public?

I was teased into thinking it would work,
destroying you would destroy me.
and don't leave any remnant.
The law of conservation of mass?
May my spirit haunt every ******* who ever let me down and take pity on those for whom it was reversed.

I have a chip on my shoulder?
I have a ******* IOU that will never be fulfilled,
I have a ******* lifetime I'm responsible for despite never once ******* asking for it.
I have expectations, I have regrets, I have no idea what I want.
There's nothing I want
there's no one I want
there is not one thing I want
May 2018 · 464
Lisa May 2018
Stanley Kunitz would have outlawed anger management,
where was he when I was dealing with my felony charges?

Dylan Thomas would have bailed me out,
"Make it your legacy, kid. Go out swinging. How was the bologna?"

Marianne Moore would have materialized before little old intoxicated, hypothermic me,
"This is mortality, this is eternity. Save yourself the trouble, hang yourself in this cell, sweetie."
May 2018 · 92
Lisa May 2018
“I hope one day

somebody loves you

so much…

even if sometimes
you are growing sideways

that they do not waste their time
trying to fix you.”

Even if fixing you would make you a better grey,

maybe it isn’t fair of me to try.

Maybe i’m supposed to let you have an alcohol problem,

to treat everyone around you like ****,

to walk around with your ******* superiority complex.

Maybe I’m supposed to leave,

not fix.

Maybe I’m supposed to let you change only on your own accord

and hope that you do.

I’m known for changing the character of one in particular,

so drastically that the entire class noticed.

“You wrecked him.”

“What did you do to him?”

I left.
May 2018 · 90
Lisa May 2018
You were doing me the favor of a lifetime,

I mean that quite literally.

If I had only known then what I know now,

if I had seen it for what it was,

and you for who you are.

“You’re not who I thought you were.”

“I know, I changed.”

Dripping with irony, so ******* ironic.

I thought you were so selfish, so cruel,

but you knew better.

If given the chance, would I know better now?

Would I learn from this?

Look at my track record.
Lisa May 2018
I think they say

girls' tears lower boys’ testosterone levels.

Something to do with pheromones.

How about the other way around?

I have this boy, this friend, this ex lover

who cries a lot.

*****, right?

“Boys shouldn’t cry,”

I used to tease.

But I swear that was before he started crying all the time.

Now I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him cry more

than he’s seen me.

Now I don’t think it’s weird,

I don’t judge him.

If anything,

it makes me love him more.

I wonder if they’ll find that

boys' tears make girls fall in love.

something to do with pheromones.
May 2018 · 93
Lisa May 2018
I wanted to run till my chest burst,

I wanted to leave everyone in my dust.

Sometimes I think I could go days without talking, or eating, or sleeping.

Sometimes I’m so clouded I’m not sure why I even bothered getting up that day.

Be an adult.

No, be a child.

Is there a difference?

**** your talent,

**** your dream.

Is there a difference?

I could spend thousands in a day and feel my happiest in months.

I could break your heart and not feel a thing.

I could call you crying and feel everything.

“I worry about you all the time.”

People have no idea how to express love.

You think I’m cold?

You think I’m withdrawn?

Maybe it’s not me,

though it probably is.

Or maybe you’re all too ******* stupid.
May 2018 · 1.7k
the sun also burns
Lisa May 2018
Hemingway once wrote, “Nobody ever lives their life all the way up but bull fighters.”
An alluring career path,
but I know bulls are color blind.
They can’t even see the red,
and that kills it for me.
Hemingway also said, “Write drunk, edit sober.”
I can drink myself into a state,
but words don’t flow as easily as gin.
I’ve taken a liking to martinis lately;
there are 13 different ways to order one.
There are a million better things I could do with my life than google how to order a martini,
but I’m no bull fighter.
May 2018 · 2.0k
Lisa May 2018
Plagued by a flagging heart at the very mention of Brazil,
and the poor habit of scrolling to Capricorn at any and all astrological babble.
Meaningless and heedless whether together or apart,
tyros or hedonists,
perhaps both.
A volatile amalgam any way you slice it.

My best poems are about you,
my worst thoughts too.
May 2018 · 460
Lisa May 2018
Don’t listen to them when they say **** won’t ******* up.
Don’t listen to that stupid tove lo song and think it’s meant for you.
Google long term depotentiation and get back to me.
While you’re at it, bring all those memories I lost back to me too.

I can remember the time on the mountain, numerous hotel stays, your fish sheets, your bedroom, your socks, your bracelets.

I wish I could forget the time I had to call an ambulance, your parents, and mine.
I can recall the time security was called, my window banging, how my hand stung, and you promising it wasn’t when it obviously was.

I can remember the first time we said it, and maybe the last time we meant it in my backyard.
It’s almost as if you knew right then you were going to **** it all up.
I can’t imagine why else you cried so hard.
May 2018 · 69
July 25, 2013
Lisa May 2018
It’s the anticipation of expecting to prove everyone wrong,
****** by the realization that they were right.
The pride that I know us better than anyone,
we’re different,
we’re better,
we can move past it and be better than before,
lost in sheets that aren’t my own and highways we’ve all been on.
It’s the void between us even when our bodies are clipped like magnets.
And I’m looking down so deep for anything,
any trace of sameness.
I’m looking down from that 40 foot jump
into dark blue water lined with foam.
And you’re behind me telling me to jump,
that it’s okay,
that I’ll be fine.
There’s a rock to my left,
there’s a crack on the ceiling,
there’s this ******* tension that I can’t ******* shake.
There’s you and me sitting in restaurants and airports,
in cars and outdoors for hours.
There’s you ******* me as hard as you can,
and me inventing a ******* excuse as to why I’m bawling as you finish.
Because it’s easier to lie with you over me
than tell you I can’t feel anything anymore.
May 2018 · 77
February 20, 2013
Lisa May 2018
It was my fault,
I saw it coming as soon as I said it.
But I felt I had to make you talk about it,
because something like that-
something so ******* bad like that
has to come out eventually.
Maybe I know that more than most,
and wanted to get it over with.
Ripping off a bandaid,
or whatever.
"Let’s go to the bathroom."
"Seriously come on let’s go to the bathroom."
"Let’s go outside."
So I grabbed you and we went
and stood under a light,
shielded by the door frame,
but I know people still saw.
And it bothers me because they probably thought they knew.
And they probably thought it was petty.
"Squeeze me as hard as you can."
Someone said that to me when I was crying at a party once.
"I just kept picturing you and Brandon driving to Phoenix."
You repeated it over and over
just as you had told me “Please be careful today,”
earlier that morning.
And I swear I’m a little ****** up,
because it was cold as ****
and that warmed me up a bit.
And then later I returned the favor
"You know I love you too."
And I swear you’ve never smiled so big.
"I know, but that’s the first time you’ve said it back."
I can’t seem
to say it again.
"Maybe one day they’ll find
that boys’ tears make girls fall in love.
Something to do with pheromones.”
May 2018 · 78
January 22, 2013
Lisa May 2018
I had been on the verge of crying all night,
the bathroom was so tempting.
A cathartic sanctuary for just a minute or two,
not long enough to be missed,
not long enough to be noticed.
But I feared I might look over at the shower,
your shower,
and see us the day of the pool party.
It’s how I always picture you,
did you know that?
Do you do that?
Have a certain image of someone from a certain moment,
and that’s just how you picture them?
I picture you in the shower,
you looked so good,
the best you’ve ever looked.
Tan, defined, your eyes the brightest blue against white tiles,
I ******* melted and chased the water down the drain just looking at you.
And I looked the worst-
makeup smeared around,
hair in tangles.
Clumsy too,
I took out your shelf when we tried to have ***.
Height difference,
we never quite mastered it.
But it was funny
and we had such fun that day.
And now I’m so bored and I think you are too
and it makes me want to cry.
And want to be alone and
never have to look at you again,
or picture you in the shower,
or call out your name,
or touch you
cause it’s exhausting.
And at the same time I want to grab you
and look you straight in the eye
and say you’re one of a kind
and I’ll never forget you
and hope you know how huge that is
and I don’t care
if you don’t say it back
and I do care
if we never go on vacation,
or **** in a car wash,
or the main library,
or go on a date.
May 2018 · 135
May 20, 2012
Lisa May 2018
Not separate entities, but a knot of limbs tangled amongst plaid sheets
Constantly touching
My leg wrapped over your waist, yours hitched over my small frame
My awkward arm that wasn’t awkward because nothing is awkward with you
Your hand always at my ear, combing my hair
Crisp kisses, delicate scratches
eyes closed, quick gasps
I shouldn’t be writing this, I should be forgetting.
But there is something special about you and I can’t help myself.

— The End —