She asked for closure so that she might begin to heal.

Instead he told her
he loved her.



And it hurt more.

My house was built on sand.

When the high tides came
it was washed away.

Caught up in a riptide.
Struggling to stay afloat.
Further and further out into despair.

Black flags wave with no breeze.
Salty tears sting my eyes, blur my reality.

I'm drowning in sadness.


The surf crashes onto the shore leaving in its wake my tangled & twisted memories.
Constantly, endlessly, relentlessly, churning.
I've grown tired of fighting its pull.

You keep me submerged in the black cold waters.
Desperately clinging to what I once thought was true.
The love that once buoyed me now keeps me floundering.
I can no longer touch. I've become frightened.

Panicking to cling to something real, something tangible, something to hold.
We were real.
I think
Maybe?

Release me.

Maybe then I can find the strength to head toward shore.

Unblemished,
desirable,
ripe for the picking.
Fresh,
Bursting,
fragrant.

She takes the bite, He closes his eyes to savor.
Tears stream down her face as her juices run down his.

He spits her out.

Spoiled,
bruised,
rotting.

I've never felt more alone
than I do inside my very own home.

If the goal was to break me
Why couldn't you have done it much more quickly?

Keep looking you might find something that will leave you unsettled.
A text, a photo, perhaps even a letter.

False promises, empty proclamations,  a hollow vow to do better
Lies, craziness, a truly pointless endeavor.

Keep convincing me of what I already know. We're broken, we shattered and I don't much care whose at fault.
He's in my heart, she's in your vault.

"We'd be better friends than partners." You've  often exclaimed.
You offer to share equally yet its me holding the majority of blame.

That's really not true, its not how I feel.
You ruined us.
You're the one who broke the deal.
Flattened the wheel
Flat tired the heel
Threw up the Happy Meal
Slipped on the banana peel
Tangled the fishing reel
Ripped apart  the seal
Ordered the Veal

I'm at a standstill
I need to get off of the treadmill
My world has gone downhill
I'm an actress in my own life
see the playbill.
I play the role of an imbecile

You lay on our bed, sharing photos of your ****
honestly, I don't care you've become quite the *****.
Alcoholic
You're really quite sick
No flame, no wick
No tock for my tick
You think your slick?
It's actually quite pathetic
tragic, chaotic
It's become my epidemic.

I don't hear any music
I don't  feel very poetic
I just feel you're a brick
leaving me frantic
and even worse
so very very very heartsick.

Such a lovely anticipation
hoping that my projection
will surpass my expectation
once my eyes rest upon your face.

Laugh at my plausibility
it wont deter my believability
I stand by my elation
to drink in the intoxication
of  my lips meeting yours.

If this is delirium
this state of feeling blithesome
I've no choice but to succumb
and trust in the rhythm
when by body should press against yours.

So let us revel in what we might become....
and stay the hell away from my ******.

Someone once told me "not to believe everything that I think"
I was cautioned never to leave unattended my drink.

Don't run with scissors or play with matches
All my spaces and cabinets have childproof latches.

Crossing the street I look not once but three or four
At night,  I slide the chain and triple lock my door.

I fear getting it wrong, getting hurt, being alone, getting old
I wish I was stronger, wiser, braver and bold.

Better to stay with the devil you know
then be out in the world all alone.

Life handed you lemons?  Make a drink.
Want something more?  It's a selfish thing to think.

So, I sit in my life watching it go by
and dream of what ifs.

Heavy sigh.

The heart's afire,
Voiceless it mutters.
The mind transcribes.
Consciousness
shudders.

Clouds are foreboding.
The eyes will leak.
The Soul in longing.
Unable to speak.

Words heard pointedly.
Memories are mocking.
The heart goes quiet.
It's tired of talking.

No ones listening.
At least not that one.
She arrives with the
moon.
And leaves with the
sun.

You played me like a losing hand.
I was all in....
never realizing you had already left.

Jokers up your sleeve
Burn card revealed
You made your stand

I took the hit.
I lost.

I knew it.
I've always known it.
I wanted to be loved by a Poet.

Don't need warm kisses against my skin
It's words I want to be branded with.

Touch will linger, lips will meet
but, words are the love language in which I seek.

You build me up with your loving prose
why this happens? well, it just does.

It's as if you peer inside
to the places I sometimes hide.
You see me with more than just your eyes.

To see me, hear me, is to love me.
I knew it.
I've always known it.
I feel loved by a Poet.

You laid down sweet words to me
and I willingly stepped into them.
I licked my fingers, I licked my lips
So delicious, I raised my hips.

You kept drizzling this sticky goo
I listened intently but no longer believed in you.
Over time it became dark and cloudy
Crystallized and of no use to anybody.

I tried to step aside, to leave this space but
my feet are stuck and its all I taste.

she was a butterfly
                                 reduced to a
                                                    

                                moth

Words that flew from his mouth
unwittingly dented my heart.
Now my whole body literally aches to fix something
for which there may not be any spare parts.


Trust me, let me in.





Love Quin

She is screaming so loudly
                      but only in her head.
For someone has come and stolen all her words.

I fear this time you stayed away too long.
I question what's the sense in seeing you as it only fools me into thinking I belong.
And, we both know I'm not that strong.

Don't open that bottle of Red,  don't remind me of the pretty words I said.
I don't want to kneel beside your bed.
Giving you head.

It only leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

she was never ashamed of her nakedness
   until he stripped her of her dignity.

she never felt so cold and violated
   until his icy words penetrated her.

she feels lost and alone
and seeks protection and warmth in her torn self esteem.

stupid stuff comes out of his mouth
until he says my name.

calcified resentments line my heart, hurt solidifies my bones.
bitter words slip from my lips, apologies from yours.

we use these words like stepping stones to navigate an unpaved road.

promises of something good, something better
are just dressed up lies pulled over my eyes and head like a sweater.


Yet, you refuse to see
the very fabric of me

unraveling.

Once you said I was your mirror.
That I reflected you perfectly.

But, when you saw it would be hard to love me....
you wiped me away as if I were no more than a smudge.

Tainted-Tarnished
Shaken-Shattered

When you look back at what was once us will you see beauty
or
will the image appear dull with the film of regret?

Ice melts between our kiss
and like desire
it drips from his lips
to trickle down my breast
and warm my heart.

He knock my hands away.
My grip loosens.
He is insistent
He is persistent
I am only delaying.
He is rough in his haste
but it's my heart I'm praying...
won't rip & tear and meet the fate of my underwear.

I have unwittingly become a sister of Eve.
He is forbidden.
Yet, my desire to taste him is strong.

A father shapes and molds his daughter.
A husband ought polish his wife.
But, only when a woman realizes her worth and value
will she shine beautifully.

If I am to be labeled a *****
let it be because I would willingly spread my thighs
and submit
for the price of laughter.

Warmth floods my body  
                torrent as a River.
Delicious shivers.
Elicits dampness    
                           exquisite.
Your lips I picture....
delivering me like a Hymn or Scripture.

It's you I'm praying drives me to my knees....
lips parted in my belief.

Your Touch, my temptation.
Your Love,   my  redemption.
           Sweet Salvation.

Cradled in uncertainty
Submerged in Adversity
Shadowed in Perversity
Dressed so Provocatively
Acting so Promiscuously
Mistaken for Womanly
Displayed so Conspicuously


Feeling so Miserably
Fulfilled so Hollowly
Treated so Insignificantly
Passed over Incidentally
Hurting Unnecessarily



Hoping for Clarity
Teetering Dangerously
Hanging on Precariously
Mindful of the Urgency
Leaving so Abruptly
Leaving me Eventually




Lonely.

Every morning I get on the "crazy bus".
Its destination?   Nowhere.

Yet, I continue to get on board.

My body and my spirit bruised from the bumps on the road it travels.
It takes the most treacherous route.
A journey I can not navigate.

The bus is large. It carries many passengers. Some I recognize and know well but others are strangers to me.

This bus doesn't run on gasoline or diesel-it is fueled by alcohol. The bus almost always has a full tank.

Some days I vow to just let the bus pass me by....
But, I see you hanging from it's window, beckoning me, calling to me, hollering for me not to let you ride the bus alone.

"Don't you love me enough to take the ride with me?"

You're afraid, You're lonely, You're sorry so I climb aboard and it's packed. It's standing room only so I'm left to hang on by a mere strap.

A strap that once was very strong and thick but now has become frayed and quite thin. When I have the courage to examine it closely I can see it's about to give and break. The seams have all but come apart. I know with certainty it will not be able to take too much more pressure until it pulls away completely.

I am hanging on for dear life.


Looking around I recognize some of the passengers.
Your mom is there.
Your dad is there.
Linda, Donna, Elizabeth, Kirk, Tom, Andrea, Emerito are all there but its the ones I don't know that I fear the most.

I have no idea who they are or how they got on the bus but I am frightened by them.
They pack the front aisles so tight that it makes getting off the bus **** near impossible.
They may scare me but you know them all too well.  
They are dark thoughts, insecurities, past hurts and jealousies. They are your companions and just like me they ride the bus with you.

Lately, I have been examining myself, reflecting on my bruises and my scars. Black & Blue.
My mind is BLACK from trying desperately to block out the hurtful things you say and do. My heart is BLUE from trying so hard to love you through your pain.

I'm getting off the bus.
There is an emergency exit at the back that I've chosen to ignore.  I'm going to try with all my strength to push through and land on solid ground.

I don't know what stop is yours....I can only hope that you get off safely before the bus crashes.

Her wounds never heal.
      His scathing tongue picks at the scab
until fresh hurt oozes forth.

                     It is only then
                                      that he wants to bandage her.

Flat, smooth, glossy key card.
Black & Blue.
****** white.   Indigo.

It slips into the lock.
He slides inside her.

Aching, yearning, driven.
Sleepy, satisfied, spent.

The television remote lies untouched.
Towels remain folded.
Water in the ice bucket warms.
The key left behind on the bureau appears lonely.

Hand-in-hand....they ride the elevator down.

Smile shyly, kiss frantically.

Tender, tired, trusting
they part.

Both knowing this will never be enough.

"Be naked for me."
It is a demand not born from desire.
She stands exposed.
Vulnerable.
She is wrapped in self loathing as his greedy eyes graze her bare skin.

He believes her to be conquered.
His conquest.  Subdued, Submissive.
His for the taking...
No need for the asking.

He fails to see she remains clothed.
Dressed in her armor, an invisible breastplate protects her heart.


Only  the boy with ***** fingernails and a kind heart can pick the lock that leaves her open, waiting, wanting to be truly exposed.

Why on earth would you expect pretty words to sprout from my mouth when my insides are filled with rottenness?
What can possibly grow and flourish when all that is left to water with is tinged with saltiness?

You wanted.
You expected.
You hated this rare bloom that people stopped to admire
and so.....
With your heavy boots you trampled me into the soil and made me....


*****.

She bit back her words so often....
that her mouth became too full
and she choked on her own silence.