it's that time of the year
again
full of dry skin and
dryer eyes
emotions feeling like
woollen sweaters
in the sunlight
feeling like regret, feeling
like very not right
feeling like the whole season
makes you sleepy, makes it night
darker mornings, darker times
and it's well known
we all feel a little more alone
at night.

Dreams are not
what they are supposed
to look like
anymore.
A constant blur
of reality,
reality meaning sadness,
sadness being
the most familiar thing
in this house.
My imagination
being nothing
but let downs.
Because i only know my dreams,
and sadness
is the most familiar thing
in this house.

Please play that song
once again
on the old jukebox
from your mum's attic.
We'll just sit around,
a cigarette for two
as we pretend to live
in those golden days of youth.
When nothing really mattered
but The Beatles and new dance moves,
hand written letters
with no shades of blues,
and sweet old songs
that i sure wouldn't mind
writing for you.

Solitude sits beside me.
I welcome it
the way you'd welcome
a stranger on a bus
with three empty seats,
who chooses the one
right next to you.
And you can do nothing
but smile
and try, numb
to avoid it.

I wish I had paid more attention to the words he spoke
To the stories he told
To the sound of his voice
His smile on a sunny day
Or his boots splashing in the rain

I wish I had paid more attention when that smile disappeared
When his voice started to crack
Or when his eyes didn’t shine as bright

I wish I had paid more attention when he stopped coming around
When the phone stopped ringing
Or when the sun stopped shining

I wish I had paid more attention to way he said “I love you”
To the way he held me when I was sad
Or when we said our last goodbyes

I wish I had paid more attention to the voice on the other line
To the sermon preached at the funeral
Or maybe the faces that embraced me

I wish I had paid more attention to the sugar coated lies I was told
But the sad truth is that you can't sugar coat a suicide

You were the "Good Morning" texts I cherished so deeply
You were the "I missed you" hugs I needed on a Monday morning
You were the one I never thought I'd say goodbye to
You are the one I wish had stayed.

You are no longer the same
Your smile has be beaten so bad that I can no longer recognise it
Your eyes scream that your in pain while you fake a smile
You keep your mouth shut and your thoughts to yourself
You used to be outgoing and happy
You used to be very opinionated
You used to have a smile that could light up the whole town
What happened
What happened to your laugh can you no longer use it
What happened to your smile can you not repair it
What happened to your confidence can you not find it
That's ok I will help you repair what is broken, find what is lost, use what is discarded, I will bandage up what has been beaten. I will help...

Sleeping on the top bunk
I got really good at crying
without making a sound.
Strong and resolute,
is what I aspired and pretended to be.
I never learned to fight,
let alone to fight fair.
There is no room for contention
between myself and I,
or anyone for that matter.
Now I seem to be left defenseless,
but can't tell the difference
between safety, security
and when I need to be defended.
Everything is easy,
everything is lovely.
Sleep instead of thinking,
like my mother before.