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Hilary Oct 2020
Am I just a party girl,
Who makes a party really swell?
I laugh and talk to everyone,
And afterwards I feel so loved,
With compliments flowing thick and fast.
What a nice person isn’t she?
She listens and questions and has a conversation be it serious or funny she’s great in any situation.

But they don’t know the real me,
The me who seeks the adoration,
To give me feelings of validation.
For party girl is sure to impress
But would you still like me when I’m not at my best.

There’s more to me than meets the eye,
Vulnerable, human and prone to cry.
I put my mask on for the party coz that’s the me I created. Full of laughter, full of charm.
It’s done me well making friends so far.
But are they just faux amis,
Or are they really there for me?

Cant they tell it’s all an act?
The laughs, the touches, the dancing,
The drinking?
It’s there as my shield to stop anyone thinking, that I am lost and just want love.

I don’t want to be labelled party girl,
I want them to know that I am swell without the party, don’t you see? I’m a great person just as me.

Party girl is like a magnet,
People drawn to me like bees
But when a guy labels me as a party girl,
They never want to see my other sides,
My smart brain and my passion for life.
They only want the party girl who brings the party and makes it swell.

No one wants the party girl to get to know and build a life, a family and grow old slow.
They just want me to be the charming party goer who lights up the room and calls everyone darling.

I need a guy who likes to party, who loves to talk and laugh and dance.
A guy who’s willing to give me a chance. To get to know my other sides and love me fully bursting with pride.
A guy who loves a party girl and together they make the party swell.
Hilary Mar 2020
I am the dancing sparkling light on the canals
I am the delightful sound of the world waking up
I am the crisp fresh cold blue sky air
I am the first leaves of spring, I can smell their greeness
I am the solid bridge beneath me that carries so much history
I am magical
Sending out some positive vibes in this weird time. Love and light.
Hilary Jul 2018
If I told you how I really feel,
Would you scoop me up and squeal and squeal?
Or would you look at me with those soft brown eyes,
Tears pricking at the edges, your voice choked in surprise?

Would you want to know the truth from me?
Or are you happy to just let us be?
Coasting in a limbo zone,
From time to time just saying hello,
Checking in to check that we're still there, to show our love and that we still care.

Apart from maybe after a bottle of vermouth,
But jokes aside I just don't know,
If I say those words to let you know, that I still cry for what we had and every day I still feel sad.
If you will feel the same as me and want to try again to see.
Hilary Jun 2018
I tried to rip the plaster off,
But I tugged and tore and it held fast.
My skin became so red and sore,
Til my body could really take no more.

We met at 5 and stayed til 9,
Drinking beer after beer and I felt fine.
It seemed like only yesterday we did this before, but it was 7 months or more.

I was doing so well and starting over,
Tirelessly searching for my 4 leaf clover.
I believed I would find it, that my luck would change but now it seems I was playing the wrong game.

So angry with myself for being so weak
The tears they streamed all down my cheek.
How come through all this you got a promotion and I got a psyche evaluation?

How stupid I am to think I am healed
When all day and all night I still feel all the feels.
The plaster sticks tight, I’m too scared to fight, my love for you continues like a burning light.
Hilary Apr 2018
My prison is a beautiful place;
I wake each morning to the sound of birds chattering and my cat chattering back through the window.

My prison is a comfortable cocoon;
I have cushions and blankets and plush velvet curtains which hang with old Hollywood grace and splendour.

My prison is really rather marvellous;
Stocked with tea and biscuits, fine bone china and everyday I can take a bubble bath.

My prison is a multimedia hub;
I have my own cinema with unlimited movies and tv shows to provide chewing gum for my mind and a limitless library to keep my grey cells working.

But it's still a prison;
I don't know how to get out of it? I didn't find the exit yet, no tunnels or fake walls, but there is a door.

When I open the door there is so much happening outside, all these free people and I find it awe inspiring, how do they do it?
They move around with such energy and life!
Where do I get that from I ask myself, I can't get it in the prison.
I feel a tickle, a tingle, a magical whisper telling me I too was once one of the free.

I close the door and retreat to the welcome comfort of my prison where I am safe.
Hilary Mar 2018
No I cannot be your friend,
That’s not how our story started or how we did end.
We fell in love and walked on clouds, we danced and laughed and stood together proud.
You told me you loved me every day but now it is gone.
Like rain stops play.

No I cannot be your friend.
You gave that up when on lazy days you’d rather be alone and say,
"I’m too tired to go out today.”
You gave that up when all the world could see
the fading love and falling leaves.

You lost your right that fateful day to ever have me as your friend.
When I could no longer stand the pain of feeling low and small and plain.
I couldn’t share my thoughts with you, they got stuck inside my chest like glue.
All this time I’ve had to mourn; the loss, the hurt, the shame, the scorn.

And now you tell me how much you miss me!
How not knowing how I am or what I'm doing is driving you crazy!
Sending cheery notes and wanting to see me,
As if you are a long lost friend but that's not the case
And not helping me mend.

I can’t share with you in your happiness at meeting someone new
or silly jokes or brand new shoes.
I can’t share with you when I feel sad coz you’re the one who broke me bad.

I’m sorry darling, please forgive me
But I really cannot be your friend.
Hilary Feb 2018
Change can be a snowdrop in Spring,
Showing us the wonders the earth does bring.

Change can be scary and sad,
Making us believe that we are all mad.

Change can be full of delight,
A surprise party that gives us a fright.

Change can be ugly and cruel,
Ourselves the worst culprits at keeping it fuelled.

Change can be a smile on the tram,
And gives us a glimpse of the promised land.

Change can be a wonderful thing,
If we open our hearts to what it may bring.

So let us look at those snowdrops,
So full of hope and strength,
And embrace all the changes, but not at arms length.
But by our side,
When we smile on the tram or plan a surprise,
To give it our all with courage in our stride.
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