Don't get me wrong
I love the Bachelor
and the Bachelorette

The getaways
The fun dates
the good looking people

But is it that's what's wrong with dating today?

Instead of worthiness
We're in it for the pic
what looks best on instagram
while inside we yearn for contentedness

But restlessness is what we're given
got to keep up with the joneses
we're afraid to let ourselves feel
for people based on status

Is it a twilight zone scene
can't be because it's around
from the beginning
ancient royals doing the same
but now we're in a modern aristocracy

So I'll turn off the Bachelorette tonight
I don't need fancy
I need supportive
and sweet
In it for the long haul
and loves me wholly
Miss me with the fake love
and give me the real

You know when you're young
And you fixate on a person
like they're the only person in the world

I don't think I ever grew out of that

She broke my heart
So I cried in my car
so desperate for help
But I would not ask

I'm an Alpha Male
Yes that is me
I have tattoos
and drink Whiskey
I fight sometimes
And stand up to ***

Days went by
My wrist scabbed over
I pretended to be happy
so my friends wouldn't see

I'd go to bars
but go home before too many
I didn't want my guard down
For them to see me vulnerable

I'm an Alpha Male
Yes that is me
I have tattoos
and drink Whiskey
I fight sometimes
And stand up to ***

One night I lay awake
bathing in tears
She was the only one
I had talked to

What if she told people
I'm not the man I seemed
And she told people
of my own fragility

How I felt alone
and like I wasn't good enough
How I hated myself
and the emotions that controlled

I'm an Alpha Male
Yes that is me
I have tattoos
and drink Whiskey
I fight sometimes
And stand up to ***

Well it was boiling over
I wanted it to end
life is not worth it
I didn't want to go on

I thought of my mother
she'd never be the same
I thought about my father
losing his oldest son

I thought of my brothers
without a role model
I thought of my friends
and the loneliness they'd feel

I picked up the phone
and I called my best friend
He answered the phone

And I just broke down

I'm an Alpha Male
Yes that is me
I get overwhelmed sometimes
and can feel quite lonely
I need help my dearest friends
I'm much more fragile than what you see

I don't want you to need me

I know you're independent
You can do it on your own
You're in charge of your own life
and you set the tone

But how does breakfast in bed sound
for every Sunday wake up
Or maybe some reassurance
You're beautiful with no make up

You can explore the world alone
But why not take me with you
I pack snacks for car rides
and a road trip is overdue

You can buy yourself roses
Every Friday after work
but isn't it a bit better
if I delivered them with a smirk

I guess my point is
I know things would turn out okay
If you were by yourself
You'd be fine at the end of the day

But isn't it more fun
Cooking dinner with me
Don't you think we have a shot
At really being happy

Life alone can have excitement
but often has a lack thereof
so let me be your companion
And let's fall in love

I don't want you to need me
I need you to want me

For you
I would wait 1000 years
even if I died in 100

You were right
She broke my heart
and now I'm broken
But you're wrong
I don't wish I never met her
Because those moments
looking in her hazel eyes
make this pain
worth
every
single
second

Fractured
Broken
I'm a puzzle missing pieces
doomed to incompletion
and imperfection
With no hope to be whole again

My friend's not normal
He doesn't pick up on social cues
He's not a people person
He can't articulate his views

But today I had a rough day
Nothing quite went right
I just longed for the day to end
And bring me to the night

With tears welling all day long
Trying to keep them at bay
I wanted to be anywhere but here
But I had to stay

My friend asked me how I was
I answered with a sad heart
Simple and eternally optimistic
He told me "that's a start"

How could he know
That was what I needed to hear
To get me out of my slump
And get me into gear

I couldn't hold it longer
Tears fell from where I stood
My friend is not normal
And I think not normal is good

There you are in marble
all that may be left

****.

I thought we had more time
I knew you held on
The last thing I said to you was on the phone
doubt you even heard it

They talked about God at the service
how you're with him now
your pain is over
and you're happy
God loved you all along

Then why did he forsake you
for years of pain and torment
your own body treasonous
deteriorating from inside out
Should I thank God
or be mad he let you through it
Better minds than mine
have never figured that out

I got a tattoo of your initials on my ribs
I know you hated em
but I figured you'd make an exception
I miss you

But at least I have you in marble
the dates you came and went
and a nice little poem
of how you're safe now

You see
I didn't love her
Because she made me
happy
I loved her because she made me
Irate
        Annoyed
                         Elated
                                      Adventurous
                                                              Exhilarated
                                                                                   Impassioned
And everything in between
I loved her because she made me
REAL

I love the way she sleeps
And I can tell when she dreams

I wonder what she dreams about
Does she dream of Paris and Rose?
Does she dream of movie nights in her favorite hoodie?
Does she ever dream of me?
Or
Does she dream of other things?
Does she dream of other guys?
Does she dream of better than me?
Does she dream of freedom?
Because she feels tied down to me?
Does she dream I'm not good enough for her?
As I've long suspected to be true
Does she dream of leaving me?
Does she dream of cheap hookups and thrills?

She told me I was crazy, she didn't dream of
abandoning me
But she did.

The clouds yell loudly
Summoning anxious feelings
I'll hold you tightly

What if there was no beginning and no end

We all know the universe is constantly expanding into the abyss
What if one day it sinks back in

The God Particle part two

And then explodes again
and everything happens again.

What if we have Deja Vu because we HAVE lived this life before
and will continue to live it again and again

What if the Universe is a never-ending heartbeat
That keeps us alive.

Our reality could be infinite; never ceasing to exist

What if we never die.

As the storm rolls in it finds me in solitude
And provides me with rain to not be rude
For maybe then I will not be forlorn
But it can't wash away my lover's scorn
Therefore the drops do not benefit me
They are not sentient so I am lonely
Nonetheless there is comfort in the feel
The pour touches me and ensures I'm real
Unpleasant as I am drenched to the foot
Helplessly I admit I must stay put
There is no liberation from downpour
This is not my first I have dealt with more
As I lay on flowers I can feel rain
And wish that I could conclude all my pain

I love my bed
Nobody can hurt me here
I'll bundle in blankets
and watch movies of love
that I'll never have
and I don't have to put up walls
because they're already around me
and I might not feel good
but at least I don't feel bad

I apologize for my action
I hope it doesn't cause much pain
Please take solace I found sunshine
After days filled with rain

How can I make it easier
I don't want to make you dreary
I hope you see the benefit of this
the situation doesn't have to be dreary

Would you like it more
If one Tuesday wasn't mine
and I didn't take three 40's to the head
followed with 9

But tomorrow is beautiful
I'm meeting a long lost friend
I may not be religious
but I guess I found my zen

I wish you the best
Don't forget but move on
Life's just a chess game
Don't be a pawn

I apologize for my action
I hope it doesn't cause much pain
Please take solace I found sunshine
After days filled with rain

When I quit smoking
I always wanted a cig
I would crave one
with every bone in my body
And then one day
I just didn't anymore

I hope I have as much luck getting over you

I love you so much
As you leave solitude grows
killing me slowly

Do you recall the feel of an old crush
One from childhood steeping with affection
Whether lust or puppy love we know not
But the feel when you gaze my direction
Heart rate rises slow while my mind diverts
To innocent but covetous ponder
Oh to be loved by you my sweet darling
Would be a blessing I would not squander
Time passes and our thought process changes
Many lose the romance of a first crush
But somehow I am enamored once more
As when our hands touch I still seem to blush

I know my crush on you will never fade
My love is a childish crush in third grade

I wore a mask today
Plastered with bright eyes
and a big smile
It covered the face behind
pained and stained with tears
Most know about the mask
But would rather leave it on
than face the ugliness beneath
I'll pretend to be okay

Maybe I try so hard
So you can see the worth in me
I don't see in myself

but when I touch you
it's just a spark to rubber
voltage extinguished

I know it's not love
We're not there yet
I still get butterflies
and the warm security of love
isn't there yet.

But she calms my demons
I don't think about how small I am
in the universe
or the looming truth of death
when I'm around her.

When she runs her fingers through my hair
and I have to decide between telling her
how special she is
or kissing her again

Well in that moment maybe
I do love her.

To me it just seems
That the hearts
That fall the fastest
Tend to heal the slowest

As I lay
And think of you
long for your touch
sting from the rejection
I must remember you have
no obligation to me
To force a relationship
would be to ask you to surrender
your own happiness
and I must think
how many times have I turned
back the advances of those who wanted me
because I had to do what's right for me
To expect you to do different
Isn't just wrong
It's hypocrisy

And with that look
My world
The stars
And heaven itself
revolved around her