I’ll always live in the place you visited.
In my mind there is a corner I keep dimly lit:
And there you sit.

Every day it is a bit harder to find you.
But I still wander over and play our game of hide & seek:
One day I’ll hide you and not peek.

I think you slither out when I’m not attentive.
You sprinkle devil’s dust in every crevice of my brain:
I think of you and feel pain.

I keep my thoughts on a super-short leash.
How could it be you who once gave me so much pleasure?
Where do I put the few memories I still treasure?

It is confusing having you inhabit my world, still.
You broke me and dashed away in the middle of the night:
How is that alright?

You’re gone and never coming back.
I wake to the shallow remnants of castaway dreams:
So, you’re never going to leave me, it seems.

Long before I noticed you, you selected me,
and there you set in motion a star-crossed destiny.

I miss so much the playful rhythm of our countless conversations,
and the spark I felt each time we’d jinx a phrase, sans hesitations.

I miss the sweetness of your voice, once ever-present in my mind,
and now the recollection of that reassuring rapture I cannot find.

* I see you; still, I see you:

I see you sitting on the outskirts of my thoughts throughout the night,
and your expression is unwavering: please give up this fight.

Solitary moments bring me so much fear,
as I know if I thought long enough, I would bring you near.

Wrapping your everything around me as my gestalt,
and rebuilding us piece by piece with not one fault.

I realize, in peril, I could wish you back into my arms,
for I secretaried all your nuances, your soul, your charms.

What joy to spiral down and acquiesce to my obsession,
and spin my life around a faux-world of a secret, strange transgression.

Our dialogue would resume with near perfection,
and would cultivate within me that lost affection.

Boxed-up artifacts and memories would produce intoxication,
but once unleashed would in time transmute to devastation.

My neurons and synapses were shaped by every expression of your love,
and it’s now impossible to undo a decade’s etchings and rise above.

* Even as the months have s-kate-d by so quickly,
I now realize that during our first innocent adventure together,
Emily was prophesying to me:

“I love you all, everything –I can’t look at everything hard enough.”

In her death, she became aware… and now so am I.

Before your absence from my life I did not know what it was to be weak.
Everlasting secrets and whispers became the motifs of our cadenza.
Exchanges in conversation became riddles that filled me with torment.
Just imagining any fragment of the you I knew keeps me in your maze.

I Stole a Rose

I stole a rose in the market today!
And I thought your name as I darted away.

The shopkeeper’s shout made me turn ‘round and glance,
but his nod and his smile said, “Go on, take a chance!”

I ran down the cobblestone alleys,
taking shortcuts we discovered as kids.

Then all of a sudden, time seemed to stop.
And the whole of you welled up in my mind:

    I’ve loved you since I first saw your smile,
    As we’d walk to grade school together.

    I’ve loved you since I first heard your laugh,
    And it echoes in my dreams every night.

    I’ve loved you since I first held your hand,
    And I know now I should have held tight…

Somehow we’ve drifted apart,
but there’s a place for you still in my heart!
Today I’m in a chance-taking mood,
and so on this late afternoon:

I leave this rose…
      on your doorstep…
                             just to see…

                                                           ­                                  I Found a Rose

                                                     I found a rose on my doorstep today!
                                                    It’s made me smile and feel quite gay.

                                        I wondered a while if by accident it was lost,
                           or perhaps something someone had casually tossed?

                    But, there’s a boy on my mind who I used to know well,
                                                and my intuition tells me not to dismiss:

                                          I liked him since the first day I met him,
                                                         and often I replay our first kiss.

                 Though we’ve both gone our own separate ways now,
                                        my memories of being with him are bliss.

                               Could it be that he’s remembered me likewise,
                           and has proffered what my heart’s long desired?
  
                                                            I’d be foolish to not take a chance,
                                                         ­     and fail to believe an old dream.
                                          
               ­                I know a shop in the market where roses are sold,
                      so I’ll summon my courage to make a move quite bold!

                                                       I was dizzy and not thinking clearly,
                                                                     as I gleefully selected a rose.
                                                 The shopkeeper looked at me strangely:
                                               I wonder... is there something he knows?

                                                                              Now I leave this rose…
                                                                on your doorstep…
                                                       just to say…

I Found a Rose, II

I found a rose on my doorstep tonight!
And my heart is filled with delight!

I’m smiling and laughing and so full of glee,
just thinking what a wonder it is she chose me!

   I’m off now to pay a visit to the love of my life,
   and I’ll not hold back any feelings.
   But I do have one secret I’ll not tell her yet:
   someday I’m going to make her my wife!

You prepared the soil, brought us to life, and nurtured us!

The seed was heartfully sewn,
And the wheat has prospered and grown.

You tended to us gently, speaking of our future,
And we caressed you, lovingly, each day.

Now, you look upon us with disinterest…
Harvesting is too much work?

Each day there is less sun,
And we feel the first frost coming on!

Where are you?  Where is your spirit?
YOU planted the seed and we grew for you!

Why have you forsaken us?
We see you each day, standing, looking anywhere
   but here.

Why do you forgo the reaping?
We join you in your distant weeping.

We trusted you from first touch to earth…
From first rain to first peak of sun.

Why is the bond between us waning?
YOU, alone, hold the key to our fate.

The grain cradle sits idle and we fear our
   destiny.
Do you not recall your words of encouragement all
   summer long?

The wind picks up and chills,
The snow --it comes and kills.

You prepared the soil, brought us to life, and nurtured us!
What did we do to displease you?

–to suffer from your eternal and infinite indifference?

(written on day PLUS 89)

You are a stowaway in my dreams from time to time,
Lurking behind dark corners with an unreadable countenance,
These uninvited, unexpected hauntings make me uneasy,
My friends see you, and though you keep your distance,
You invade my privacy, set me on edge, cause me to doubt
     …that we ever were together
     …that we ever were in love
     …that we ever embraced, kissed, and allowed our passion to overtake us
     …that we ever longed to see each other again and again
     …that we ever lay next to each other, whispering, laughing, staring into each other’s eyes.

I awaken and begin to revisit that happy part of our life: encapsulated and insulated and isolated,
Those moments and memories of joy exist today in my mind just as they existed in reality,
They are steadfast, they are immovable, they are timeless, they are treasured, they are mine,
And no bad dreams, no ugliness, no hindsight, no unhappy ending, no deception or truth will I allow
To alter in the least my commitment to remembering
     …the love I felt for you
     …the sensitivity of your kisses
     …the grasp of your hand in mine
     …the soothing sound of your voice
     …the feel of your hand on my chest, then shoulder
     …the thoughts we shared with each other
     …the kind words you softly spoke to me
     …the heat of your body against mine
     …the taste and scent of your skin
     …the gaze of your eyes into mine
     …the smile I saw each time we rushed toward each other to embrace
     …the laughter we traded back and forth, over and over

I get to choose what occupies my waking thoughts, and I choose to remember the happiness we shared.
One day it will be impossible for me to recall anything except pure joy and happiness,
Though that time is not here yet, I look forward to it and have faith that it is closer than I think.

Tighten up the laces,
Increase the heat just right,
It’s almost time to wake up,
'cause here comes the dead of night.