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Jasper May 2019
it happens every time
this curse
every time i wish to die
it stops me
from that blissful ending

it holds my hand still
even with the razors digging into my skin
it grabs my hand
and puts me to bed

and i wish
just once
i could die
as the coward
as the nothing
that i truly am inside

i am not worthy of you
of anyone
of anything

i am just a broken soldier
that cant even
find the will to fight
it is at your side

i know
in my heart
i have no dream greater
than to be with you forever
no matter what we are

but i know
that is not enough for you
so i keep fighting
even though my body
my mind
tells me its pointless

that i am nothing
that i should just **** myself
and spare myself the pain
of you never thinking
i am worth a single cent

but i keep fighting
through all of that
because i cant give in
if its for you

even though
we have left that life behind
i still feel the need
to be better than the best
just for you

and though i hope for what you could never want again
i cannot help but think
that perhaps
i could still be useful
as a guardian
to protect you
from those with less idealistic intentions
so someday

you can live your dream
and i can die happy
knowing i made one persons life better
than i found it
Jasper May 2019
i want you
i dont care how
i want to be something to you
and to know
i am worth something
something more than garbage

i have been throwing my life away
seeing how far i can push it and still get away with it
but you
are brilliant
a light in the sky
a light in my dreams
bright enough to rival the sun
and this black fire
burns through my heart
to tell me
i have to be better
or i
am nothing

i cannot stand
to be nothing
not to you

i would risk anything
to be anything
to you

i have to
you are so far ahead
i have to find something
that can make me catch up to you

there is nothing more that id like
than to be by your side
not as your lackey
but as your friend
an equal

but in the end
i sense some danger
i feel this desire
even though my spirit to be your love is broken
this desire to be your friend
will be nothing more
than a sacrifice
to meet your goals

and i fear
in my darkest dreams
that this hawk of light
will burn my heart like no other
that it will cast me into the depths
until i have nothing
but my promise to myself
that i will tear your wings apart
Jasper May 2019
i claw and scratch and knaw
on the bones of your past
at the things you do daily

i cannot help but want to be closer to you
perhaps in some vain attempt to relive the short days in which you loved me like no other
but i cannot stand
when you look at anyone else
like they are worthy of your presence

this beast in my heart
claws at everything i am
it wants me to prove to you
i am better than anyone youve ever met

i know you have your reasons
but this beast festers in my heart

you are
in your own ways
my griffith

you have dreams
and i have nothing
and no one but your equal
could ever stand tall
to your magnitude

i want to find my dream
but whenever i think of it
all i find
is a sword
massive and black as night
cutting down anyone
that stands in your way

i dont want this fate
i want to know without doubt
i can be your equal
your friend
worth caring about

dont mistake this as romantic
i want nothing
but to go through life with you

my goddess
has helped me much
but i have yet to even taste her scent
in this wide world

but you
are here
so close i can almost smell you
so close i can almost latch onto you
so close i can almost live for you

but you are so far ahead
and these paws
can only sprint me toward you so fast
toward this hawk
the white hawk
that splits apart the night
and its darkness

i cannot be close to you
or you will be torn apart
i cannot be far from you
or i cannot continue this chase

what am i to do
a lowly black wolf
beneath your light
the light that eats away at me
beneath your wings
beneath the wings that soar past me
beneath this hawk of light
that usurps me
Jasper May 2019
every evening i burn out
and each morning i rise
from the ashes of the me before me

there is no greater plan
long have i waited for one
but none has come

this flame
this black fire
it threatens to consume me whole

that wild beast
it knaws at my heart
tells me to rip and tear
rip and tear
shred and destroy

this profane fire
makes me rise each day
when id rather lay
to see the dawn

that fire
burns me to the ground
til i have naught but ash left to give
and even then
i must burn further

in the words of my old friend
many kingdoms rose and fell on this tract of earth; mine was by no means the first.
anything that has a beginning also has an end. No flame, however brilliant, does not one day splutter and fade.
but then, from the ashes, the flame reignites, and a new kingdom is born, sporting a new face
it is all a curse, and our cursed flesh shall inherit the flame

this fire burns me to my core
until i have found my kingdom come
until i have found my very own sun
and your light
my angel
it burns out my eyes
bright enough to rival the sun

i must find it
my sun
the power to let me rival your own
the power to let me be your equal
i cannot sit by
no matter how much it hurts
to train and fight daily

i want to be your equal
i want to be your friend
i want you to look at me and think
"that is a woman worth my time"
i want you to think
"that is a woman good enough to stand at my side"
and i dont care how hard it is
or how long it takes

i cant stand you looking down at me
youre the one person i cant take it from
and i will do anything it takes
so that you can say
that i finally caught up to you
in this rollercoaster of life

or else
i will rise
again and again
no purpose
no path
beyond the scope of light
beyond the reach of dark
forever in a limbo
clawing at the light that truly burns me
how far ahead you are
from me

i do not wish to be the phoenix
i want to burn the brightest days with you
my only equal
Jasper May 2019
my mother always told me
my grandmother talked to angels
before she died

i have met a few ive called angel
but it has always been her

she has been my goddess
and she still is
i wear her holy symbol
between my ******* daily

she has been my reason to live
my reason to wake up every day
but lately
beside my head
i find a pearl standing next to my goddess

there is something about that pearl
the way she looks at me
and talks to me about the future

i look into the cold beady eyes of the pop figure beside my bed
and i feel content
through this small idol
i feel her grace and warmth

there are many i have called angel
but they were all her
until you
Jasper Mar 2019
maybe i do like getting into dangerous situations
but im a showwoman
every night i force a bottle of *** down my gullet and feel it burn in my throat
i put on my heels and strut to the stage
and i climb the ladder up to the top to walk the tightrope of love
and inevitably i fall off into the safety net
but the next night i do it all again
because i have to

not for anyone else but for me
because no one thinks i can make it
no ones ever thought i could make it anywhere
people go home from the circus and laugh at me
they call me an alcoholic hack
they comfort themselves with the idea that im worthless
that all ill ever be is the ******* who gets drunk every night and tries to walk a tightrope in heels

and ive learned to be okay with that
because when they leave and the circus is empty
i take the *** with me up to the rope and i sit there
and i picture all their faces in the crowd
everyone that has looked on me with disdain
for trying the same old thing night after night
the ones who tell themselves they know ill never make it to the other side
everyone who thinks im an idiot for thinking ill find my happy ending
everyone who thinks ill never amount to anything but some sad joke to boo at every night

and i picture their faces when my heel clacks onto the other platform
how amazed theyll be
how theyll be so enraptured with my success they rise from their seats and scream my name
and how their thunderous applause will soothe all those impacts into the net below
but in the end it doesnt even matter if theyre there at all
because ill always be chasing that dream of touching the other side

and even if no one sees it
all that matters is my foot clicking on that opposite platform
and every night before will be worth it

and thats the meaning of life
a dream
one that means more to you than the booing crowd
one that means more to you than the glimmer of your skin in the spotlights
one thats all yours and yours alone
one that even if no one else knows about it
it will finally make you feel complete

and one that even when you complete it the first time
youll always come back
night after night
to do it all over again
and be comfortable with the fact youve finally made it
because in the end youre a showman
one married to her work
and as we all know
the show must go on
Jasper Sep 2018
I can't explain you.

When we met, it felt like divine intervention.
Like I had waited my whole life just to meet you.

I latched onto you so quickly,
And I'll be honest, it still scares me.
But your love never does.

You are a muse to my heart.
Every time I see you typing,
My heart jumps in my chest,
And I can't feel anything.
Anything but how much I adore you.

Every day with you is a new venture.
I never know what's coming next.
But I'm always certain I'll love it.
And I'll love you.

In truth, I have carried a darkness with me all my life.
I know I must feel like a ray of sunshine,
But the dark weighs heavy on me.
As I'm sure it must weigh on you.

You've let me peer into your darkness,
As you have somewhat seen into mine.
But even in those moments,
I want to be your comfort.
And I will be.
Because you are mine.

Our burdens we lift together.
Our sunny days spent hand in hand with each other.
And though I must admit I want to make you the happiest on earth,
I must tell you
That you are perfect to me.

Ever since the minute I met you,
I have known
That you are the only one
That I would choose over anything.
And I will always do so
Because the only truly important thing in my life
Is you.

You are my one,
My only,
My angel.
And I will make our life together
The heaven you deserve to call home.

I can't explain you.
You're an anomaly in my life of tragedy.
But I will never stop being thankful you found me.
And I will never stop holding you in my heart.
Because at the end of the day
All I really want is you, my love.

Love is more than a feeling.
Love is a choice.
I feel nothing but love for you.
And I will always choose you.

I can explain you.
You are my love.
My one and only.
I was meant for you.
And you, for me.

I love you with every drop in my heart.
-Your Guardian Angel
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