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Dec 2018 · 49
Heteronormativity sucks!
apiwe Dec 2018
It  must be nice:      
Being  given  freedom
To actually be able to choose
Who you love
And not just any ****
Because just before the word "No"
Rolls off my tongue  
I have to remember that there are only 1 out every 20
There are rarely none who go for black, nerdy, sociopathic, clingy mess
That there is no Grindr category or tribe for "****".
And when they do go for me
I have to appreciate the fact that I am "wanted",
Even on the "down low",  
To be somebody's *** dump
Because that is the closest thing I know to love
Sorry, no hotel room, candlelight,
First times for me
Only back door, alleyway, shadow corner
“Too drunk too remember my face? ”  
“no, the "P" is silent”
“****!” you hiss between your all straight, pearly white teeth
Shaking your head crowned by long, long hair
Don't judge me, I'm not cheap
It's just that selectivity fetches  such a high price
Sorry, I can't save myself for marriage because it's illegal
Sorry, I don't conform to heteronormativity.
“Well, it's by your choice”
you say
“You're the one who chose to be ***”
Yes, in a world where my ******* are the determing factor for who I must love
“Sorry, so does every straight boy like every straight girl?”
Yeah, I chose my own fate.
It must be nice:
Having Loneliness as a choice
And not set as a default.
Yeah, I'll say it again:
Heteronormativity *****!
And so do you.
Nov 2018 · 239
Out there
apiwe Nov 2018
sizzling with excitement, unpredictability
Hits against their faces.
Breaking strong into a day of reckless liberty.
With blood running hot through their vessels
to their heads
to their eyes ever so warm with wonder - yet-
ever so chilled with nonchalance.
They don't care.
but I am in here.
No riffling pop song bass in my ears
only a sonata for flute, violin and harp
No intoxicating spirits for me
only the feel of a pen
and textbook cold and
hard against my skin - yet-
It is so warm in here...
I'm writing a Chemistry exam on Monday. My peers are making their own chemistry right now.

P. S I think I might have used the dash incorrectly. Excuse me, Grammar Nazis.

P. P. S The sonata is by Claude Debussy. Not sure of the Opus number
Nov 2018 · 367
Watcher in the woods
apiwe Nov 2018
I've been watching you
With her.
I've been writhing in shadows
Waiting for her.
To let go of your hand
So I can pull you into my shadows.
Away from her.
Nov 2018 · 178
apiwe Nov 2018
Already Beauty touched your face,
Crept her sinews of hands into your mothers womb to
Redo what she did with Adonis, Paris
To make you a marvel for the eyes
Already the all the pleasures and niceties of this world are all yours.
At your fingers, waiting for your fancy, your command
Already the sorrows of this world are at your whims
Already you have it all...
Must you have it all?
Nov 2018 · 113
apiwe Nov 2018
Gathered together to gather scattered memories of things past
We scramble, claw at the stuff of memory that seeps through the gaps of our fingers
Smoothly gliding over our palms
Falling onto the ground
Like water on tar
Gone too quickly before we can mop it up
In desperation, in attempted swiftness, in failed efforts
We try to chase sand thrown into the oceans
Longing to feel the feel of things past
Long blown away by the winds of time
A long forgotten draft...
Nov 2018 · 206
Words unspoken
apiwe Nov 2018
“Define me in one word”,
I said
Hope gleaming in my eyes and
an anxiety of the unknown
twisting, gripping, turning my gut.
You laughed lightly; beautifully flashing your perfect, perfect teeth
You ****** in a sharp breath,
Rolled your eyes back as if
the word was glued to the inner of your skull
A dry, humourless laugh croaked past through my lips
You said through your slightly smirking lips
And I bit back
the floods that welled my eyes
the bile that rose up my throat
as I realised the humiliation that I had reduced myself to.
And The silence
punctuated all the words unspoken.
Jan 2018 · 299
#10 (toilet thinking)
apiwe Jan 2018
As I sit on this icy cold chair
I remember how
We had lunch on the park benches
Tomato and cheese sandwiches
Sealed in plastic containers, the bottoms were slightly damp
I couldn't even taste them,
I didn't say a word because
Class was intense, I was tired
and hungry
and you
had packed them specially for us
and you,
at the end
Laughed as you hugged me
Because you remembered
That the tomatoes were spoilt
...which is why I'm here
Dec 2017 · 277
apiwe Dec 2017
I don't think im pretty really
You've said it yourself
Whenever we lay in bed,
The rising sun slitting through the blinds,
My face half buried in the pillow,
Voice still groggy
You would walk over to the mirror,
Peel your eyes open,
Search for teabags,
Look at your pearly whites,
Clink them together,
Run your hand over your silky hair,
Turn to me and smile,
Just to remind me
I'm not that pretty.
Dec 2017 · 342
06 (I have)
apiwe Dec 2017
I have been thinking
What do you think of me?
What do you see in me?
How do you see me?
I want us to talk
Express feeling...
Cliché, I know.
I want us to hold hands
Walk together
And have long talks...Plato...Aristotle
Not your thrill, I know.
I want to ask a-
You want to ****?
I know.
But still
I've been thinking
How do you love, ellipsis
apiwe Nov 2017
When i heard
I felt
You had gone home without me and left me behind
They said: just a slash to the wrist
The pills quickened the numbness so that the blood could just flow out
Until there was none.
We're suprised it didn't happen sooner...strange one that one was
I didn't think of you strange
I felt betrayed so
I didn't go to your homecoming but I could imagine
You, dressed in white, the breeze blowing away the stench of death, your face ridden of all worries
I could imagine you were content
As you lay in that box
All I knew was that
you had gone home
And I
So that closes it off
apiwe Nov 2017
That night, as we walked in the dim light of street lights
darkness all around us
You kissed me,
my lips.
Your taste metallic on the tip of my tongue
Your hands, those cold bars of ice
Locked their way around my neck, waist and wrists
Your heart, that barred block of ice
Beat violently against my chest as we collided into each other
You pulled back abruptly,
looked me in my eyes
And said:
I don't want to die
apiwe Nov 2017
We saw a UFO in the sky
We were all alone
It was silver, slim and blazen
It shined against the blue of the sky
Floating in the heavens
And you said a silent prayer
Take me, take me home
Send me up into the sky where I will fly and never come back
I wanted to be your home
Because I knew
The UFO would never come down
You had to go to it
apiwe Nov 2017
There we sat,
On that old fallen tree you like
In the middle of the woods
The wind, wove itself in between the long threads of grass
Making an ocean underneath our feet
But we didn't drown
You said: perfect place to hang yourself, all these branches
I looked into your solemn face that speaks so easily of death
and you smiled, shrugged
...and jumped into the green Grass Sea
We walked underneath the waving leaves of trees
Wind, so steady and flowing
I looked at the roof,
an ocean ebbing with tranquility
and there we were, caught in between two oceans
but we didn't drown
We found shade underneath a solitary tree with branches that kissed the sky
The cool of the wind kissed your sweet skin
And as we lay on that earthened floor,
You said: one day I'll make a blanket of the soil and a home of the granite we step on
I turned to you and stared into your orbs
And you said: we were born into dust and in the dust we will die
So then we watched the clouds, the sun setting
The rays of that star, a halo in the heavens
And it rested on your head
and you finally went home
This poem confused even I. As i was writing it, i felt a sensational surge of emotion that didn't really allow me to work with logic
Nov 2017 · 177
apiwe Nov 2017
I know I can never expect much from you.
But my mind can't help but wander when I imagine
Me, you in the skies
Floating above some cloud on some high
You inside of me
And all that I need
While I become your earthly heaven
I imagine us being lost and existing in our own world where time doesn't age us
where distance exists not in between us
Our own world within these cold walls we live in
A world where we are not bound by the laws of the universe
But where we are the universe
You, my god
I, your judge and jury
You, my executioner
As I hang from your words as bees hang from flowers
You weave yourself in between the threads of my being
A world where we belong to each other beautifully, wholly
It surely must not hurt so much to imagine
But when my eyes see you and ears hear you but my hands can only grasp at a hologram.
It does.
This right here was inspired by my first...teenage heartbreak? I don't even know what it was but it felt...disappointing
apiwe Nov 2017
i feel almost silly now to admit to have dreamed the dream that shall not be dreamt
i lay in my bed clothed
but dreamed i was unclothed
you are millions of beds away
but yet not even a needle's width was in between us
in my dream
an intruder in the night
you came
with hands on my flesh as blankets
your fingers at the back of my head as a pillow
and you became the sheet on my bed
skin touch skin
your touch mine
a small
quick ***** was all you really need gave
which makes me even more red to say
i erupted
Nov 2017 · 106
Puddle pool
apiwe Nov 2017
Let's swim
In this ocean of unknown depths
This glowing, glorified darkness
of my tears
my fears
my strangled hopes.
Let's swim in the grey of my mind
Let us uncover the insecurities and let us drown in them
Make yourself one with waters
just as I have dissolved in them
...and let us swim
Don't be scared to:
Plunge and take a deep breath
Let the water drag you down
and kick yourself up for air to breathe.
Let the waves pull you away from free flow
Into the current, rip you from your banks of safety and harbour...wash over your head
Let us drown...
apiwe Nov 2017
Strip me naked
Expose the darkness of my skin
The sin
etched into the cracks
Bring to light
All my evil deeds and atrocities
Reflected onto my skin
Show them all that I have done
The dark lines along my chest
Show them all my evil
The scars across my arms
Show them all that I shouldn't have seen
The bags underneath my eyes
Leave me bare
Show them
That by some sick twist of fate,
even though my consciousness has painted itself on my body
where no one will see
My face still remains
Strip me naked
and show them
all that they've never seen,

— The End —