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Feb 2022 · 308
did it hurt?
Lily X Feb 2022
I wonder about summer days
and screaming until my voice is hoarse;
of time that runs like oil
and gets between my fingers,
of how you hate the taste of olives.

It's April.
It's living again, breathing something other than car fumes
and I'm sat breathing smoke again,
hand dangling out of my bedroom window.

I stare at green.
I make jokes.
I do the things.

But there's a hollowness.
A warning of sticky, forever days that
cling to the surface of my skin;
bloom like spring in my lungs and starve me of oxygen
with an aggressive, loving life to them.

yes.
it hurt.
it all hurts.

i want to forgive you.
Jan 2022 · 313
Living Decay
Lily X Jan 2022
All the love I could not use
has rotted into shame.
Mar 2021 · 152
march 8th
Lily X Mar 2021
it's a shadow on my shoulder, a sky that's too dark too early, the way my brother laughs without covering his mouth.
it's the metal between my fingers, between my jaws, inside my intestines.
the blood is ugly and runs like treacle,
sweet and covering my skin, like hands that grasp too much, fingers that walk for miles beyond their home.

tell me what you thought of that night. if you think of that night. if the taste of wine reminds you of the touch of my inner thigh, if those fluorescent lights—

no.

just one more night of locking my door twice.
Jan 2021 · 193
Don't Make Me Say It
Lily X Jan 2021
I watch your breaths;
slow and even
and I love you so much in this moment
I'm glad you're asleep
not to witness me
as I fall apart in your unconscious hands.
Sep 2020 · 140
Death Of Another
Lily X Sep 2020
In the corner of my room,
where dust and shadows collect,
you lay your body there.

Your hair drapes over your face,
strands like spider legs,
and I watch as you turn pale.

You stiffen and groan with age,
skin washed with blues and purples,
your death is so pretty to see.
Aug 2020 · 136
Kiss Me Softly
Lily X Aug 2020
You're the very air around me,
  the very thing I
     gasp for each time
we      
break apart.
Aug 2020 · 136
wip
Lily X Aug 2020
wip
how can I change what I am,
what the tangle of my genes read
and the sharp corners of my face.
how can I dilute myself to a soft shade of salmon sky
and smell as sweet as summer's sunset.

I keep chipping away at the parts of myself,
hoping to find some sparkle of gold,
but I just become less and less and less
Aug 2020 · 212
desires that go unchecked
Lily X Aug 2020
i want someone to feel my body, to feel its heat and swim in it.
i want someone to taste the pale milk of my skin and announce its sweetness.
i want someone to trace the soft curves of my hips mindlessly, with a gentle hand.
i want someone to look me in my eyes and keep my gaze, hoping neither of us glance away.
Jul 2020 · 85
What I Leave
Lily X Jul 2020
I lie on the forest floor
with moss beneath,
delaying my sinking into the dirt.
Water beads on my skin,
capturing the trees and the green in its reflection.
Each breath feels easier than the last,
the ground guides my lungs with its own rising and falling.
Flowers creep along my limbs,
shy at first,
then slowly, they bud and bloom,
tickle the inside of my ear.
They whisper a song,
one whose melody is almost familiar,
and I feel myself erase.
My body breaks down, gives back to the wood,
and there's a certain relief in it,
as I take to the less physical world.
My bones bleach in the sunlight that slips through the leaves of the trees, my brethren.

No one will find my decaying form,
the remnants of a meaningless existence,
instead they'll find a small patch of red and blue and yellow,
of plants they can't quite name,
of petals that are silk to the touch.

In my last moments, I smile.
Jun 2020 · 135
3am
Lily X Jun 2020
3am
I've been holding my breath
since the day that you left
and I haven't exhaled
                                     since
                                                .
Apr 2020 · 146
The Birds Still Sing
Lily X Apr 2020
I sleep with my window open.
My room is cold and sometimes damp with rain,
The condensation like a tear on my cheek.
I curl beneath my quilt,
As small as I once was,
And let the darkness flood me, as it often does.

It's a strange kind of pain, that night,
One I can't help but admire.
And when that inky sky drips in through my open window,
sleep snatches me first.

A time passes.
It is cool when my eyes open,
Decorated with black snowflakes that lie upon my eyelashes.
The sun has begun her own descent,
The sky foreshadowing of her coming.
It is then,
When I'm bruised and shivering,
That the birds still sing.
And I listen to them for hours.
Apr 2020 · 115
Life In Other People
Lily X Apr 2020
Because I've always seen my life in other people,
Don't worry, the irony makes me choke,
That I can't just reach out and touch them.
My hand slips through them like smoke.

Because I study my life in other people,
But it's getting harder to tell
Whether it's memory or reflection I'm watching,
Either way, it all feels like hell.

Because I hold my life in my hands,
But everything's just that bit numb.
I can't feel if it hurts or I'm breathing,
Either way, I think that I'm done.
Apr 2020 · 134
Haiku
Lily X Apr 2020
Let me collapse down,
dissolving into myself,
replaced; a black hole.
Feb 2020 · 140
Heavy
Lily X Feb 2020
I'm at the point now where even the weight of air on my skin hurts.
Feb 2020 · 103
Life's Secret
Lily X Feb 2020
And life may be cruel,
her dark branches twisted and gnarled and hard,
her roots turning the earth over in its slumber, cold veins in viridescent sea,
her tree fruitless and barren,
brittle bark that flakes from her obsidian centre,

but underneath her coal shell,
there is nectar and sap and gold,
and it will satiate your hunger,
if you can stay long enough to taste it.
Feb 2020 · 94
Chore
Lily X Feb 2020
It's a mountain by now.
Plate upon plate upon bowl,
stacked higher than physics should allow,
all stained a slightly different colour of neglect.

Cutlery balance on the rim of ***** mugs
that sour the air around them.
I feel guilty when I add to their misshapen brethren, commit another utensil to its graveyard.

And yet still,
  I watch it build and I wait,
        morbidly,
for it
     to come
  crashing
    down.
Nov 2019 · 314
Burst
Lily X Nov 2019
I want to flow from my own fingertips,
hang in the air, a final chord.
I want to break apart into a million pieces,
dance away in the nightime's wind.
I want to be held as I split and crack,
try to meld me together one last time.

I want to burst and implode and evaporate.
And I want you to know that I'm sorry.
Lily X Aug 2019
Because you're smart, right?
Pretty charming, right?
Love the way the wind whispers and the rain cries.
Love things other than what Girls like.

Because you like bare face, right?
They're a carbon copy, right?
But you, you're a gem in the rough, undiscovered.
You, you're a lifeform with all of nature's secrets.
You, you're much better. [Right?]

You, you're different than those other Girls,

Right?
Jul 2019 · 150
Begger
Lily X Jul 2019
I paint myself blue and yellow and fiery red.
I glow in the dark and echo with each step.

Please look.

I channel the sea's gasp and bloom pansies with my breath.
I carry the sun on my shoulders, feet deep in snow.

Please hold my gaze.

You think me crazy, a child in older skin, a neon sign in a silent night.

You don't understand. I'm just trying to make you stay.
May 2019 · 195
To touch the sky
Lily X May 2019
I remember the sky,
the way it bruised that night,
a deep blue and purple and indigo.
You reached up, your smile widened,
and your hand drew back those same shades.
Your fingertips were ink-stained,
a small sky on each finger.

I reached up and grasped only air.
Apr 2019 · 152
with sympathy
Lily X Apr 2019
it is not a solution i long for,
it is a friend, a shoulder, a hand to squeeze mine.
and it is not answers i crave,
it is warmth, softness, an anchor to the Earth.

you don't have to understand me,
or the shadows that cling to my silhouette,
just be a light in my darkness,
and that is more than enough.
Apr 2019 · 404
a quiet kind of love
Lily X Apr 2019
and it is a quiet kind of love we share,
a ghost of a lifetime between us.
it is solid and soft, a force like the sea,
gentle as summer breeze.
it is careful and measured, an ebbing and flowing, waning and waxing.
it is like breathing, to love you, and I will, long after my lungs give out.
Apr 2019 · 22.0k
I don't want you
Lily X Apr 2019
I didn't want you,
I wanted love
and I have realised
that they are not the same thing.

You were a mould
that I poured my insecurities in,
a computer I tried to program.

But you are a sky,
stormy and clear and rainy and warm.

You were so blue when I longed for red.

I didn't want you.
I wanted the thought.
Mar 2019 · 146
when energy is used
Lily X Mar 2019
I am made of dead things.
I am composed of the last exhale from cooling lips.
I am the twitch in the still body's toes
and the hardening of its skin.
I am the shake of a uniformed head, a gasp of a mother, a tear of an orphan.
I am built from decay and anger and sorrow.
It takes so much old energy to get me to tomorrow.
Feb 2019 · 1.1k
i changed and i'm sorry
Lily X Feb 2019
How could i tell you?
That the pink that stained your cheek was no longer my favourite colour,
that your laugh sounded out of tune,
that your skin lacked the heat i craved,

that my love dwindled and then fell away all at once.

i'm sorry and i'm not.

i love you, but i don't.
Feb 2019 · 232
imprints of you
Lily X Feb 2019
you are game over.
vision behind weary eyes,
when does this love stop?
Oct 2018 · 333
Breathing Poison
Lily X Oct 2018
And it falls out from me.
Pours from my fingertips.
Grief floods the room but I’ve been drowning for a long time.
I cannot contain this.

It’s a fog like carbon monoxide.
Silent.
It wraps itself around your lungs and whispers that this is the only way.
And you lie down, mistaking its vapours for clouds.

It never leaves.
You just get used to breathing poison.
Jun 2018 · 269
hearts and swords
Lily X Jun 2018
I always thought that violence was physical, brutal, obvious.
I thought that violence was carmine washed down the sink in the dead of night.
I thought violence was sharp and hard and damning.

Not when it comes to you.

Your violence is subtle, lurking behind soft blue skies and the warm glow of sun.
Your violence is an inflection of words that makes me flinch more than a raised fist.
Your violence is comprised of memories and reminders and blame.

You don’t wield a sword, you wield your heart.
And somehow, it hurts so much more.
Jun 2018 · 363
a mess
Lily X Jun 2018
I haven’t tidied in a while.

Clothes coat my floor in a strategic mayhem; makeup rocks on its side, contents slowly seeping out.
Medication lays scattered, dots of colour in the ocean of obsidian.

I think I see you in the madness.
Your essence.
One of the last places you breathed in.

Maybe I think that when I clear away the buried floor, I will find you beneath the fabric.
Jun 2018 · 334
Did you feel it at all?
Lily X Jun 2018
In that moment I wonder,
did you ever feel it?
The excited humming of the Earth and
the caressing breeze that drifted through the house.
The way the Sun brightened.
The way every metronome in the home sped up, like a competition between them.

Did you even feel it?

The way time would falter as you stepped foot in the door, hesitating for just a moment.
How gravity seemed to double, intent on bringing your body to mine and succeeding every time.

No, I guess not.
Jun 2018 · 155
watching you go
Lily X Jun 2018
I didn't move for a long time, well after the last carriage had disappeared into the horizon. I felt as though, if I moved, I would crack. I would crumble to the ground like shattered pottery - as hollow as I felt.

I was once art that you had crafted with your bare hands. Now I am just the membrance of our destruction.

I thought I would cry.

I didn't.

I couldn't. I just stood there, helpless. What could I do? I wanted to scream, to rage, to curse the sun and its stars for this horrid crime. I wanted to yell about how unjust this was, how unfair.

But I didn't. I just stood there, wishing I could turn back time.
May 2018 · 175
cat + mouse
Lily X May 2018
I knew it was over
when every good thing you did felt like a trap.
May 2018 · 118
what i remember of you
Lily X May 2018
fingertips and freckles and frosty smiles.
how you would whisper your secrets even though it was just you and I.
do you whisper to yourself now?
or do you whisper to somebody else?

the patterns you’d trace on my spine,
fingers walking marathons.
you always could make me breathless.
the way you looped your ‘l’s and your run-on sentences that always made me giggle.

your pout and your warm breath and your insecurities.
you paid more attention to them than me.
you were an artist but I was not your muse.
life was and I guess I was just a background painting.

I think of you sometimes.
when I taste kiwi or when that song comes on that you liked but I never remembered the name to.
or when it’s windy and raining and I don’t have your coat to shield me.

I hope you’re happy and that one day, I can be too.
May 2018 · 455
Haiku - Play Pretend
Lily X May 2018
We act like adults,
but we are only children
who’re playing dress-up.
Apr 2018 · 491
i s o l a t i o n
Lily X Apr 2018
I live in a house,
that is not my home.
With pictures of smiling faces
that are not my own.
Surrounded by figures
but feel so alone.
So very vacuous
is this iron throne.

I live in a house
that is not my home.
A silence so heavy,
it hurts.
Dec 2017 · 1.9k
Bare
Lily X Dec 2017
Strip me down
To my rawest form.
To my browns and oranges.
A copper silhouette.

Peel me away
Till I’m standing there
With averted gaze.

Leave me bare.

Strip me down
Shed all my layers, till I’m
Just a component.

Make me an idea,
In its first happening.
A dream yet to be realised.

Look at me,
Honestly,
Unguarded.

In my essence,
Am I good?
Dec 2017 · 5.5k
Laughing/Crying
Lily X Dec 2017
Have you ever noticed that, if you close your eyes, a laugh can sound like someone crying?

I’m not laughing.
Open your eyes.
Can’t seem to write much recently.
Nov 2017 · 991
Hurt
Lily X Nov 2017
I wake up aching.
Most days.
My body sore from bruises camouflaged as smiles.
Sore from the elephant that has found its home on my chest.
Aching from my lead-filled heart and my poisoned arteries.
But my body is persistent.
It grips onto life with its bony claws, grasping pathetically at signs of hope.

Just give up already.
For a friend who thought they were alone.
Nov 2017 · 902
And Yet, I Still Want You
Lily X Nov 2017
You’re everywhere.

I hate it. But I can’t help it.

You’re behind me in my own reflection.
You’ve stained the walls of my own house with your scent.
Your mark is left on every love heart scribbled on a sticky note.

I still have them.

Your memory plagues my vision.
I can’t go out without you in my mind, strong as the taste of blood on my tongue.

My anger flows hot and white, but not at you.
At myself, for being such a fool.

And yet, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I really am a fool.
Nov 2017 · 339
Hollowing
Lily X Nov 2017
Parts of me are leaking, spilling onto the floor like dark ink.
Those that can see avoid it like the Black Death.
Maybe they’re the clever ones.

But I see you, your hands stained dark as night.
The brightness in your eyes is the only light I can see; a beacon.

I watch as your tinted hands wrap around my exposed heart.
At first, I misunderstand. Think the light is a twinkle when it is a glint.

And then you squeeze.
Nov 2017 · 437
Will You Be My Pesticide?
Lily X Nov 2017
I feel it.

That small seed of doubt.

I feel it.

That sapling as it grows, whispering negativities in my ear.

I feel it.

As it wraps its vines around my heart, a false kind of love.

I feel it.

As it takes over my brain, manipulating the world around me.

I feel it.

As it runs through my veins, turning red to black until there’s nowhere to hide.

Will you be my pesticide?
Nov 2017 · 2.0k
You Had Me, But Not Anymore
Lily X Nov 2017
You had me.

Completely.

From the very start. And you knew it.

It’s strange; how different you are to me now.

But, how foolish of me to believe a conman’s pitch?

But, how could I not?
It was the best kind of lie; one I wanted to believe.

My heart stopped beating each time I looked at you.
How could I overlook my own cardiac arrests?
Your tongue was so smooth, I didn’t notice it was forked.
Your words sounded so good, I didn’t realise they could be false.
I fell so hard, that I didn’t even think that I could hit the ground.

But, of course, I hit the cold concrete.
In fact, I crash every time I remember your face.

Because sometimes the cruelest of liars are the easiest to believe.

— The End —