my depression keeps growing
my depression keeps changing
in middle school my depression was simpler
i was depressed because of my insecurities
i valued my physical appearance too much and believed i could never be beautiful
i thought i could never be more depressed than i was then
now i only wish those insecurites  were my only issues
i no longer have those same beliefs
and i wonder if i got over them earlier would my depression have never continued
in high school my depression cared about society
i cared about what people thought
and it cared about how many friends i had
the insecurities grew and anxiety developed  
i couldn’t value myself and became distracted
i woke up without intent
after high school my depression became less selfish
i worried about those who’ve spent so much on me
the financial strain i’ve been causing
i thought about those i’ve disconnected with
my depression keeps growing even when i try to stop it
my attempts always fall short
the pain keeps growing
and i’m still depressed

my pain is fighting
fighting me
fighting to stay
my hopes are beaten down
and my soul is bleeding
it’s stronger than me
and this is a fight i can’t win

i say the only thing i want is to be happy
i pray for it
and am disappointed that i still don’t have it
is no one listening
is no one rooting for me
but maybe it’s a bigger ask than i thought
maybe i should do more than ask

give the sun a chance
don’t only rely on the moon to give you comfort
go to sleep
it takes time

whats wrong with living under a rock
often i don’t feel sunshine anyway
day dreaming brings me closer to a path
solitude is a blessing
i wanna throw my phone away
i wanna walk uninterrupted
i want rain to be the loudest sound i hear
you’re next to be me but you’re not
i need to be alone in case i cry
i’m not ignoring you
let me meet with myself today
i'll talk to you tomorrow

the rain is comfortable for hiding
it’s the loudest noise in the house
so they can’t hear my crying
thank you for being a shield

i want to be alone but i want to be wanted
i don’t want be hurt by others
so i don’t notice that I’m hurting myself
do they really not care about me
or do i crave too much
i wallow in loneliness so i don’t feel unwanted up close
but now i don’t want me