It’s been another year without you mom.
This will make 5 years since you left us.
Since the cancer spread throughout your body and you became too weak to fight it off.
You fought so hard.
For two years, you went through chemo after chemo,
And radiation therapy.
But none of it seemed to help.
Cancer slowly spread throughout your body.
Soon it was in your brain.
Behind your eyes.
Then there was nothing they could do.
You went 3 months.
They said a year.
3 months before you died.
Three months of hugging you every chance I got
And three months of praying that I would wake up and it all be a dream.
Three months of living in denial.
Three months of hardly eating because I wanted to spend every waking moment with you.
Then the time came,
When you were so far gone that you basically lived off of pain medication.
And you didn’t remember who any of us were anymore.
We had our chance, to tell you one last thing before you left us.
And all I could say was that I love you.
And I regret not telling you more.
I regret not telling you everything I had hidden from you.
But all I said was that I love you.
And you weakly looked up at me and gave me a tired smile and it flashed in your eyes that you remembered me.
‘I love you too’
Was the last thing you said to me.
Later that evening,
At 3 in the afternoon,
I watched you take your last breath.
You weakly squeezed my hand.
And I knew it was over.
And for a fleeting moment, I was relieved.
But soon the pain came and I sobbed.
I clung onto you and wouldn’t let go. They had to drag me off of you.
And I screamed when they took you away.
Begged them to let me hug you one more time.
But all I got to do was kiss your cold cheek.
Now I wear a necklace with some of your ashes in it.
It is a small comfort that helps me through the day.
Today is another year without you.
I swear it gets harder every year.

You remind me of the ocean,
And the ocean is my safe place.
Your eyes hold the color of the deepest depths of the sea,
And your voices is like the waves rolling against the shore.
Your soft hands on my skin is like the cool water washing over me,
And you always smell softly of palm tree’s.
You taste of tropical fruits and sea salt.
I love the ocean,
And you,
Are my ocean.
You are my safe place.
You are my ocean.

I fear the way you love me:
That tender-touching kiss
Seducing me to nightly
Sink deep in your abyss.

Those smooth caresses take me
To places that I dread,
Your cunning fingers rouse me
To plan such lies ahead.

But while we writhe and tumble
In lust's hypnotic hold,
I fear the final stumble
That will see the truth unfold.

I want to slip out of my skin
And sink into the coat of a doe
Tiptoeing past moss-trees
And through thorn-brush

I want to shed my skin
And don the scales of a serpent
Gliding through dappled-shade
And below autumnal-leaves

I want to disrobe my skin
And wrap myself in the pelt of a cat
Prowling in the half-shadows
And morning's false-dawn

I want to dissolve my skin
And absorb infinity into myself
Drifting through space-time
And and the never-never in between

h.f.m.

Baby it's crazy because even when you are away I know you are here

I feel your kiss every time the wind blows

I hear your laugh in the bustling of the leaves

I embrace your warm touch in every sun ray that caresses my skin

And when the beautiful sun sets, I know it is you smiling at me before you close your eyes to go to sleep

And when the moon rise and night falls,
your love shines brightest during the darkest hours

When I look up at the stars I know the two brightest are your eyes looking up at me as you wake up in the middle of the night to remind me that you adore me

I pull you closer into me
Your head on my chest
My arms wrapped around you

As I close my eyes and drift into a deep sleep, I hear you breathing in the silence

Then finally we are reunited in my dreams

You where there last night in a dream
laying down in a bed
made out of moonlight and stardust
and your lips painted the warm colors
of hope in the empty space below my ribs
and whispers murmured
from the faint beat of something alive
inside of something I thought was dead

you kept your name a secret
and stole mine
and gave it away to a bird

with black feathers

and black eyes

and a black beak

and it chewed and swallowed
every letter and every syllable
and I became a nameless prayer
on the tip of your tongue
and a helpless beggar
and fool on my knees
and you wrapped around me
like a snake squeezing the last breath
out of its next meal

your skin was a blanket
made out of the soft heat of the sun
and it covered and held together
all the broken and lost pieces
of all the things I had forgotten
use to be part of me

and your heart filled all the emptiness
that I had been carrying in my blood
and your eyes where painted
fields of flowers and flames
and you sang a song that had no words
that told all of the truths
of what it was to find and know love