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Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I am a little evergreen tree,
I lay, unearthed.
My roots are bare.
My leaves are so dry and brown.

I am a grain of sand,
Just one.
Here I sit,
On a long lonely beach.

I am an eagle's tail feather,
I’m falling.
In silence,
Out of a clear blue sky.

I am the cry of a small child,
And, I am crying out.
Deep in the darkness,
The stillness of an empty home.

I am the tense metal snap
of an old Cheese-in-trap,
I am dancing in darkness
And I dangle a dying mouse.

"I am where?",
no one seems to care.
Is there no sight,
No sound?
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I sit along the sunny sea
The waves
… kiss my toes.

I close my eyes
I giggle
Picking petals from a rose.

The scent
… of salty breezes;
A buoy sounds it’s bell.
Seashells tumble…;
Brother plays…
Sherman takes the hill.

Nana and Poppy are flying
Kite-tails…
Dance towards the sun.
The gulls hover free
Over the sea…
And, the sandpipers are on the run.

The summer’s cottage;
The stony walls
The rose garden blooms near the sea;

Remnants sewn
... in little satchels;
..., sea-salt and rose,  potpourri.
Theresa M Rose Oct 2018
Chapter two

December 24, 1979;
This day or, should it be said, night… is the night a spark alters this heart’s understanding of a heartbeat with such desires which were never thought possible. After most have gone to bed; it’s 4 in the morning, Kelli, Julie .Joe and my-self were sitting up downstairs talking in Rose’s living-room, enjoying her lovely Christmas decorations.  Kelli goes up around four-thirty and Julie sat-up on the armchair by the archway; Julie was talking about things going on at her work. Funny enough, the only thing going through my mind is ‘Oh my, I sure hope you go up stairs before others begin to waking; I want to have time to talk with him by himself.
Finally, “Goodnight Uncle Joe!” and up the stairs Julie goes; It’s now, five fifteen, he and I are alone on the couch together and finally I could talk with him ‘til others wake or ‘til he tells me he needs to go sleep.  I would have been happy just having he be as a friend but knowing he was no longer with Connie… could heaven feel this near? We sit talking… I edge towards him; I feel a touch, his hand gently he reaches and then pulls… no guides …, for I more than anything want this to happen, to the warmth of his lips; my heart pounds as the taste of his salty-sweet lips rushes into my mind beside all the sensations his lips touching his arms give…tingling warmth, surrounding me, enveloping me?! I’ve never known this feeling before; such depths of wanting; of needing, of a desire to be here in these arms.
“Joe; Joe, Joey I love you…” Did I just say…???
“Don’t!” he says, “Don’t, this is a just for-now thing; but there’s no commitments, no responsibilities?!”  
I know why he says this… Connie?!  He doesn’t know, these words of his only make me want him so much more?! He has no idea how fearful all this is for me; these words, his words make me feel safer in his arms; it is safe here in these feelings I’m having?!
“If you want…; it’s your choice?! No commitments.”
“Fine.”
How could Joe know just how much he’s already a part of me?  I would never…  I could not say no.
How could Joe know how I’ve already thought of him; he couldn’t know how special he is in these eyes; how he has been long since a time before the 77’ blackout, back in summers-passed?!  On a day I was looking out the window, watching, Connie and him in the backyard working on his car. I held such envy towards Connie, looking out, watching the two of them, and ever since whenever I would see them together. If only; but who would truly want what I am…beyond my Chameleon’s mask? Dreams are nice to have but you can’t ride pipes all your life?! You can only live in what there is in this life.
Days earlier than watching them from that window… I had walked in-on Billy, the one I was with; he was in bed not alone they were in the midst of the most explicit acts?!  There weren’t any blankets on them and it wasn’t right away that they knew I was there stunned in the doorway!? This being something which one could never un-see?! And yet, I seem to be remaining?! A part of me already knew this about him but it’s just, I, never thought it would ever be in my face or who it’d be…I’d see?! Which as it turns out is what was most overwhelming of it all.  Billy was raised by foster-system and he’s been living with this man, Joe McAtamney, since he was nearly eight years old; you’d think… but no; No boundaries??? I thought Billy would be aged-out of this man’s wants…But no; and, to think several months earlier my dad signed papers for Billy to be my husband?! I ran from the three of them down in City-hall; I should have kept running?!  But oddly to say this little tat-a-tat doesn’t even close to being the worst of happening in my life; I was Billy’s first female … to think, barely, thirteen years old and next to him I’ve already have had years of expertise in the activity, merely on a physical basis; I did have no comprehensions on how to conduct or relate beyond that… not a real clue on how to be in a normal male/female relationship out of the ****** interactions?! And hell, as much as that was concerned lord knows I’d rather be clipping coupons???  I would have still been with Billy if it wasn’t for the loss of my daughter back in May of 79’!  Joe, Billy’s foster-father, rented Billy a Rockaway's bungalow I thought it was to keep him from being under foot but that’s wasn’t it?!    Billy’s foster-father and my mother figure in bribing Billy he would/could convince me to abort or if nothing else to give-up my baby if it comes to it. Most of April we had set up house out there in Rockaway; I thought he and I could find work, a place to live of our own and make a home for this baby. But no, every penny I could hide he’d find and spend; he’d have other boys over who are friends with his foster-father, like these are the people anyone would want around any child???
The last week I was out there, Pat Current was out there with us; I couldn’t stand this boy he was every bit the same as having my brother Kevin around?! You wouldn’t want to fall asleep in a place where he might be able to find you. A sociopathic horror, a ****** deviant and a thief; someone who wouldn’t have a problem in delighting in and/or causing other’s pain as a form of his own entertainment; Why Billy has Pat here knowing what he’s about?! I know Pat’s a time to time lover of Billy’s Foster-father but he isn’t here with him???
It was the morning of the 14th. I woke-up not feeling well; Billy and Pat said they figure to go down to the beach so I could rest and they told me they’ll  be back around one for me make them something to eat. They return only to find all those from the other bungalows along with the lady who rents them out were all inside the bungalow with me; they were staying with me so I wouldn’t be alone until the ambulance comes.  When the lady heard my screams she ran down into the yard and entered the door; I was holding myself up trying to make it myself to the front-door to find some help. There were ****** puddles all over and handprints over everything; there’s such pain and pressure I wasn’t able to move a step more. She helped me back to the bed. When I got to St. John's Episcopal I was all alone; nobody could come with me in the ambulance. By the time Billy arrived I was there about five or six hours has passed and she, my baby girl was gone.  The Doctor wouldn’t allow me to touch her, to pick her up or hold her in my arms. The doctor just left her next to me lying there cold and blue …exposed ; they had her laying there in an old metal bedpan; my child.  
Doctor, “When you’re ready you can get up and leave; make an appointment with your regular doctor for a hemo-globin shot.”
The nurse told Billy he needed to come in the room and get me out, he needed to take me home. He would not; he said he’d wait until I came out on my own.  The nurse walked over to me and she look at my face she could see I wasn’t about to walk away from my baby; she reached to remove her… I blocked her path I couldn’t allow her, to, to take my baby away from me?!  The nurse went over by the table across the room; she picked-up a small baby-blanket and return over to where we were and she made a shush sound and said it’ll be alright; she understood. She gently wraps my baby into the blanket and had me sit-down then the nurse placed her into my arms… the nurse remained by my side while I held my poor little girl in my arms. Touching her face, “Please forgive me for not protecting you better; I am so sorry…” I kissed her and, “I love you; I’ll miss you, always.”
The nurse held out her hands and said, “Don’t you worry I’ll take care of your little Baby Rose;”
“Thank you.” I left my baby there in the arms of the nurse and I left the hospital with Billy. We walk to the train station and we begin to head back to the last place in the world I want to go. He and Pat were talking about where they’ll be going to go tonight??? Billy turns and says,” If you feel like it you can come; it’ll be fun!”
‘??? He didn’t just say…’
“You can go to where-ever…” I looked at the two of them, “I’m going elsewhere?!” I back-step-it off the train at Broad channel the doors closed and I waved. I went to sleep that night in my bed at home on 66 Street. I couldn’t stand to have to look at his face. Afterwards, I was told Billy was rather happy that my little baby girl was gone. I awoke in the morning, first day back and things around here were no different. I went to Dr. Tierney’s office about the shot I needed and he told me I should never try to have a baby ever again; “You need to go on the pill and don’t ever allow yourself to get pregnant again!”
“No problem Doc… I no-longer have a boyfriend and I don’t have much luck with them?!”
“Easy said but only takes once?! Go on the pill; be sure!”  He writes a script and I go home.
I had a boyfriend before Billy; his name was John (Stretch) Thompson, its funny John was 6’4” and at the time I was only about 5 feet tall. He lived around the corner from the St. Sebastian’s church down in Woodside. This was back in 73’ he and I met at and worked together in the Burger’N’Shack on the corner of Queens Boulevard and 58th. He was night shift and did all the prep-work for the next day and they, the worker’s of the nightshift, paid me with eats and tips to clean off tables and to do quick-mops during the night; and, after John would finish his shift we would go over to his brother’s house. Both of John’s parents died back in 66’ and he lives with his brother and his brother’s wife. John went into the military… he told me when he returns we’d be married; eight months after John left his brother found me and he told me John was killed on his third day over there. I hadn’t seen John’s brother or his wife after that; I stayed around Key-food and carried bags to cars for tips or I’d walk with woman to their nearby homes with their bags. Big Frank, Little Frank and Denis allowed me to take out a store-cart from the lot so I could make money; Big Frankie, Oscar from the deli department and Mr.C, the owner of Big-Six’s Key-food, like me. And, the owner was also a very good friend of my Great-Uncle Patrick’s. It was sad John’s death but…  Move on; No-one the wiser.  This is the year the Dunn’s moved in on the block. Me, myself is odd, on my own block once more… act like every other kid! Even, when you see others who know different… you are a child?!  ...but not; silence is silence even in the loudest room it’s there. All you need do is to open your eyes to hear it.  To think, if it was that Norman Rockwell and Picasso were to blend their styles together…  Oh, how it would be of those on these blocks of Woodside?!
    Back then, for me, *** was an activity devoid of any kind of desirous wants.  For the most part those near my own age would get my delighted saying to them,” Cut it off and Brass it then put it by your baby-shoes!” or, if I thought better of the individual I’d tell them, “What you care to tell friends, who cares it’s your business, but there’s nothing happening here, don’t waste my time, or yours and go away!”
But here my being in Joe’s arms there is such a difference; I had never wanted, anything, anything with this intensely. We made plans to get together at the house once everybody has left for the day; oh, Wednesday.  Wednesday morning could never be soon enough. The last person is gone, everyone is gone… I open, closed the gate was up the stoop and inside the house before anyone could have ever seen me enter the gate. Joe and I chitchat a little while looking at one another… Joe repeated “… this is a just for now, no commitments, your choice… if you want…?  suddenly even-though we were nowhere near that couch the touch of his arms… the taste of his lips, the scent of his skin…  time melts; it feels as if he we hadn’t been away from each other a single second?! But here we are, now, with the hall-door locked, the decorations no longer being on; there is no worry of someone stopping us…and, we go into his room. Joe has no idea how, in this moment, being here in his room frightens me; it’s not him not a bit… it is these sensations of wanting… Joe would not understand, I don’t, how could he; Joe thinks me being more knowing of things like this?! No wrong, though he doesn’t realize these feelings he, now, is bringing out of me are all so new?!  Every breath, every heartbeat, and every gentle movement of his body against mine… his touch made me feel! “Joe, Joe I love you.”
“Don’t!”
You said; If, I want?  It’s my choice; …as-if there could ever be any-other.
  
Since then whenever we were alone together the feelings were the same for us; we’d drive around in the car talking then find somewhere to park enjoying each other’s company for awhile… just talking and having a wonderful time. And, then… a touch, one of us would reach out towards the other the sensations overtake and cause time to shift into its stillness and no-longer do our moments separate; the first… this… all of time bound within this sensation we share. But time, time never allows long…. It cannot when such appetites’ seem endless. He’d need to get home. I’d need to do things as well. We’d both need time to do what must… I would usually put up a fuss; many times Joe laugh,  he’d need to tell me he’ll kick me out the car if I didn’t get out on my own… I never wanted to be without… this sensation, these moments we share; I never want to know again what life would be without him.
Things between us remain; even after I told him…
I told him about having a baby?! Asking him to be the child’s God-father would assure  that nobody would think differently about his being close to child; I couldn’t take the chance of his not wanting me to have this baby?! And, he hadn’t asked; I was in bliss. If he had asked me I would have had to tell him. Is there any wonder why I feel the love I feel… we would still be together; but he wouldn’t allow me to be as insatiable as he made me feel; Joe was always so careful with me when we’d be together even in our most sensual of moments he was always mindful to keep the baby safe. I had never known; never experience such loving tenderness in this life as at this time being, held, here in his arms. Everything I am everything… belongs to him.
Until the day of June 28th.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2015
Paragon of love

The depths;

Dark,
Deep,
Desirous;

To fly beneath
White foamy lines
Yielding tide. guide me;

Inhale
Exhale

Trembling;

This need to reach.

Beloved;
To touch You…

Beyond breathe
Past… the sand.
Water splashes
… caressing toes.

Standing,
Waiting
…along our sandy shore.

Once more…,
Water welcomes
… another sunset.

Faintly, lights awake;
A dance like heartbeats
… to delight the sound;

White tips glisten
… touching darkness.

Stars shimmer
… along the deep.

Above;
Below;

Take my heart
… onto the horizon;

To home;
To you

Your binds reach;

Hearts bellow
A longing to reach
… fills me.

My heart desires
… to reach;
You.

Salty scent;
Eyes close
Cool spray
... tingle my lips

The taste
Your skin
I feel ... the want

The need;
…your pull.

Far beyond,
… the jetty’s hold;
A deepening thirst
Summons.

So deep…
So familiar…
So yielding…

To you; My Love

Just beyond … the horizon’s break
A soft sensation rides.

Guide me;
Beckon my heart. Beloved;

Beckon me
… beyond the waves.

Echoes, echoes,…
Echoes of love;
Call long

To this, tinder spirit
Yours
… left to drift.
I feel you
Reaching.

Your breath Calls;

A sound to entice.

Breathe, breathing
… beyond the sands of time;
Through hazy silence;

Oh, sweet, gentle submergence
Waves clash upon my flesh

To feel…
Your pull

Memories, such memories;
The sweet salty taste
To embrace you;
My love

Yearning;
Yearning;
To yearn…
Your essence touch.

Once more
Waves force me back;

Tides froth
… covers me

Stumbling;
Tumbling;
Tossed
... upon the shore

As an old oyster’s shell.

Love, daylight returns

Once more, our ocean…
Ours;

Keeps us

The deep;
The deep
Is…
Too deep.

So much water
Left only to thirst;

For you.

Beloved; To time and tide…

A pearl.
Theresa M Rose Jul 2015
I Hear an owl outside my door
1:58pm. July 3rd. 2015
Strange thing;  
An owl, calling loud,
... on a sunny day?

See; He’s laughing!

I know;
Time for tears to roll.
Little mouse, salted to taste;

No snap! Still, dead all the same.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Standing…
Where once
was you.

I gaze out…
Watching…
Waves
… gently roll.

I dream.

Sounds
… of the sea.

Feeling of sand.

I close my eyes
And…,
Again
Here you stand.

A touch
… on my hand
Takes me;

In a moment
Just a moment
I am free.
Free, to go
… to long ago
When…
It was you…
Who was wanting me.

Laughing lovers;
Dawning sun;
Gentle spray
… from the sea.

Suddenly,
Words...
“ I love you”

A moment of joy
Turns…
To tragedy.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Standing…
Where once
was you.

I gaze out…
Watching…
Waves
… gently roll.

I dream.

Sounds
… of the sea.

Feeling of sand.

I close my eyes
And…,
Again
Here you stand.

A touch
… on my hand
Takes me;

In a moment
Just a moment
I am free.

Free, to go
… to long ago
When…
It was you…
Who was wanting me.

Laughing lovers;
Dawning sun;
Gentle spray
… from the sea.

Suddenly,
Words...
“ I love you”

A moment of joy
Turns…
To tragedy.
Theresa M Rose May 2014
Moonlight;
Candlelight;
Dreams
…of loving you;
Sea-side
Where seashells
… ride the sea.

The tide’s dance
... to fools;
Sparkles
… from the blue;
Only love in the deep
... could be free.
.
As free
… as the wide open sea.

Only love
... in the deep
Could be free.

As free as
... the wide open sea.

Betwixt;
Be-twain;
The heart;
The brain;
Love;
In the deep
… could be free.

Only down
… in the deep is free.
Here.
.. in the deep
Blue sea.

My heart takes
… to the beach;
But legs
… fear to reach
Such love;
My love;
My need

In the deep;
In the deep
Is free.

Only in the deep
… is free.

Only here
In the deep blue sea.

Such shells shimmer
… along the sea;

My tears;
My love
…make me free,

Please, come;
Come now
...to me

Leave the shore
Be mine; I’m yours.

Come to me?
My love
… leave the shore;
Please, come
Make me free
Once more…

Only the deep
In the deep
… is free.

Only
... in the deep
Blue sea.

Only here;
In the deep blue sea..
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Moonlight;
Candlelight;
Dreams
…of loving you;
Sea-side
Where seashells
… ride the sea.

The tide’s dance
... to fools;
Sparkles
… from the blue;
Only love in the deep
... could be free.

As free
… as the wide open sea.

Only love
... in the deep
Could be free.

As free as
... the wide open sea.

Betwixt;
Be-twain;
The heart;
The brain;
Love;
In the deep
… could be free.

Only down
… in the deep is free.
Here.
.. in the deep
Blue sea.

My heart takes
… to the beach;
But legs
… fear to reach
Such love;
My love;
My need

In the deep;
In the deep
Is free.

Only in the deep
… is free.

Only here
In the deep blue sea.

Such shells shimmer
… along the sea;

My tears;
My love
…make me free,

Please, come;
Come now
...to me

Leave the shore
Be mine; I’m yours.

Come to me?
My love
… leave the shore;
Please, come
Make me free
Once more…

Only the deep
In the deep
… is free.

Only
... in the deep
Blue sea.

Only here;
In the deep blue sea..

.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Sleep...
Once more;

To love…

Love
… beyond loss;

Loss
… beyond love.

Weary
… pouring sand;

Rest…;
Oh weary dove.

Dreams are…
But endless;

Endless is
The mind;

Memories
Discarded;

History… ends with time.

Flicker little candle;

Candles
… fill the room;

The Chapel
… conceals mysteries;

Memories
…fill the tomb.

Scatter, old dessert winds

Here
… is all alone.

Ashes…;

Flickering lights;

Nothing... here
But stone.

.
Theresa M Rose Sep 2018
Oh, how scars labor:

… of what,
Which hides
... within the bright lights of shadows;
Gasping upon itself.

In silence
Time, turns
And takes a breath;
Asserting… a life of its own?!  

Nature,
Nurture
Such pounding beneath the surface
So grows the seeds

Beyond, an open wound.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
The sounds of a heartbeat
Nestling  through the mist.
Sunday morning fog
Tingles as a kiss.
.
Sea breeze caressing
The melody of the sea.
Longings  beyond  the tide
Desires to be free.
.
Quiet  breaths whisper
Delights of long ago.
With a trail of memories
The gentle dawn’s aglow .

A lone path accompanies
Beside the breathing sea.
Moist, sandy footprints
I feel you
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
The sounds of a heartbeat
Nestling  through the mist.
Sunday morning fog
Tingles as a kiss.
.
Sea breeze caressing
The melody of the sea.
Longings  beyond  the tide
Desires to be free.
.
Quiet  breaths whisper
Delights of long ago.
With a trail of memories
The gentle dawn’s aglow .

A lone path accompanies
Beside the breathing sea.
Moist, sandy footprints
I feel you walk with me.
Theresa M Rose May 2014
As of time remembers;
The beauty of a rose.

The lake holds still and quite
… until the ripples flow.

The fog of dawn still hovers
… stately morning glides on and on

Silence clings to memories
…  as of her scent avails upon.

The heart beats slow and weary;
A tear… reaches the cool still air

As of time remembers …
A rose and the dew now share.

As of time remembers
…  the water now dances rings;

Silence becomes of a melody;
The sounds of nature sings

Rocks and trees accompany
Foggy mist serenely glows

For as time remembers;
Thus…,

It is only for time to know.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I sense you,
Sensations awaken…
You inspire.

Nearing
Are the embers.
Neutralities
Sparks a fire.
You are,
The aura…
To this phoenix.
And, it is you
You that will bring the flame.
You give me abilities to fly,

Beyond the sea and eternal sands
It is you, I feel
Your touch…
Without a single hand.

You’ve conquered my fright
These feelings of endless night.
It is you…
who makes me glow.

I feel
Such a resurrective ember.
I yearn so be free
To surrender
And it is you
You’ve done this to me
You make me
Burst
Into flame.

Such a force it is
you give to me
filled with overwhelming intensity...
You’ve done this to me
fill me
With intensities… and I am…,

I am,… a Phoenix song.

Forever for me
because of this
You see

You are
And always
Will be
My beloved...

My, Mark Anthony.
Theresa M Rose Oct 2018
chapter three


June 4th. 1980;


The day, it’s the morning of June 4th.  It’s Wednesday; I go up the block to be with Kelli; her friend Lynne is a sleepover guest, this day. I and Lynne have never got along but if I want to be with Kelli than I’ll have to hang with Lynne for the day. We’re watching “The Price is Right” on television and Lynne went inside for a while. After a time she comes in laughing!?
“I was just on the phone with Barbra B. and she’s off and running…  Let’s go down by her house and see what’s there to watch!?”  Kelli and Lynne get into the front-seats of Kelli’s White Buick Electra 225
I was in the backseat; the two of them were laughing up a storm! Kelli drives up Calamus ave. until she nears 74th. Street; this is where Barbra B. lives. Barbra is frilling a most extremely large kitchen-knife; it must be the biggest knife in her house?! Here she comes with her father chasing up behind her?  He’s trying to catch-up and stop this girl from getting to whatever place she is so hard-pressed to get too???
Lynne slaps onto the side of the door, Kelli slows and Lynne rolls down the window then sticks-out half her body; she waves over to Barbra B. and screams, “Hey Barbra, what’s going on?”
Kelli says, “What are you doing?”
“Where’re you going? You need a lift? Come on there’s plenty of room in the back!”  The door-locks pop open… “Come-on we’ll take you where-ever you’re going!”
Barbra heads towards the car; Kelli, grips the wheel, laughing; I know this laugh… Kelli has no idea what’s going on?! Barbra takes hold of the door as her father reaches her; he grabs her arm and pulls her hand away; Barbra’s father yells to Kelli, “Get out of here; Leave!”
Kelli steps on the gas and drives off!
Heart’s racing… ‘Holy crap, that crazy ***** had her hand on the door? She was about to be inside this car, she had a knife; she, she, she be sitting next to me?! What the hell just happened???’
Kelli drives back towards the house; the two of them seating in the front seat… laughing?! Not the same laugh but…, laughing! Lynne’s, an all too familiar sort; it’s a kind I heard in the silent-times unspoken about; a delight to a well done of what just happened.
Kelli’s, her laugh is also all too familiar, hers, is the kind that reassures. It’s the kind I’d feel deep inside me at three in the morning while swinging, inside Little Bush Park, on those swings beneath moonlight knowing, oddly enough, I’m safer there at that moment than I’d be anywhere-else.
Kelli parks up on the corner, on the side of Tootie’s house; she runs across to store for soda, cigarettes and stuff then we went upstairs.
“What the hell was that…?” Kelli says, laughing, while she slaps the bag onto the table; bag brakes open and as liverwurst, cheese, bottle of soda and the cigarettes flies off to all parts of the kitchen!? “What did you do? That was f----- up!?” Kelli starts to fix us lunch as Lynne tells us about what she was doing in the kitchen while we were watching The Price Is Right.                    
  
Lynne calls up Barbra’s gay-lover and tells her she’s Barbra’s (formerly) ex-girlfriend and that she’s calling to let her know Barbra and she are back together so she’ll no longer be needed or wanted in their lives!  
Afterwards, Lynne calls Barbra’s saying to Barbra, she’s Barbra’s ex-girlfriend’s newest lover and she’s calling to inform her,Barbra, that Barbra’s ex and this girl’s new lover are bopping the sheets with each-other and the two of them are being played as fools; as one could imagine and as we saw for ourselves, Barbra went into a high-speed tailspin. Barbra snaps?!  And now she is out there trying to go end these two women in a pool of their own blood!?  
Unbelievably, Lynne still thinks what she made happen is a big fat hoot???
Kelli, “What the hell were you thinking???”
Lynne looks at Kelli, and with this snide tone and smirk on her face she says,” What… I was bored! Did you see Barb’s father’s face?” laughter erupting from her as she turns to get her stuff out of Kelli’s bedroom; “Hey it was fun!”
Kelli,” Oh brother; you’re…? Hey, get ready and I’ll drive you… home.”
Kelli looks at me and we both put hands up with baffled looks?!          
It’s just around 3 pm. as Kelli rolls up to Lynne’s to drop her off. She asks Kelli to drop her down at the bar she hangs-at so she could find-out what’s been going on there.
Kelli did and on the way back she stops by Julia’s, her mom’s, work; Julia gives us a list and we go over to key-food to shop.
While we’re shopping Kelli keeps, “I can’t get over what we saw???”
I kept thinking how did Lynne know so much of Barbra’s love-life??? She knew names, places and everything she’d need to get that girl Barbra to to such a point and state?’ I think Kelli and I were both shaking from this for the rest of the day.
  Kelli drops me off, goes parks and goes into house.
I remember this date so well because later that night at around 2:30 in the morning I was at my father’s door knocking?!

” Dad? Dad? Dad; you need to get… You have to get-up!?”
My water broke??? My due date’s not ‘til September 18th. I first thought, ‘Oh no not again?! This can’t happening; … not again?! But, there was no pain, no blood, and no sense of dread like the other times?
I went into my room and grab onto my bag and what-ever-else I thought to take; I figured, by this time my dad would be ready to bring me up to the Boulevard and we’ll cab it to St. John’s. He wasn’t in the middle-room; he wasn’t in the kitchen I knocked on the bathroom door and… He’s not in there? Maybe he went up to call a cab to pick me up at the door?? I’d think he would… He’d have said something…,  like when you have what you need I’ll be downstairs I’m going up to get a cab??? The hall-door’s closed?!’
“Holy crap?!”
No, no, no, I go back to my Dad’s bedroom door and knock. “Dad…? “
“What?” My eyes nearly pop out of my head!
I try to open the door but as usual the lock is on? “Dad?! My water broke???” As one could imagine my voice is no-longer an indoor voice?!  “Never mind broke it’s like the dam broke here and there’s water everywhere out here! Come on you have to get up… you need to take me to St. John’s?!”  
Pin-drop silence…?
“Dad?”
This low soft moaning whimper comes from behind that locked door, “Can it wait until the morning?”
  ??? Bang! Needless to say dad needs a new door-lock.
“Nelson…; Get up!”
“Ok.” Slowly he gets to his feet. “I don’t know why…, now? Why can’t you wait ‘til morning?”
“No, now.” In my head,’ Maintain: Four six-packs… I’m lucky I’m going alone?!’
“I need coffee? What the hell is all this water on the floor?”  
   “Dad? Dad; … that would be me?! It’s why you’re up?  We need to go… St. John’s?! Let’s go!”
Ever notice how when you need… there’s never one to be found??? Phone-booth! Lindy’s cab come and picks us up; not one yellow-cab? We get there and they check me out.
The doctor, “You have had what’s called a premature rupture of membranes; you’re being admitted so you can continue to be monitored. Your baby’s vitals but…; we want you to understand the baby’s condition is at high-risk it’s holding its own.”
“Doctor…?” My eyes begin to whelm-up…
“Miss Rose…” The doctor places his hand on my arm, “You need to remain claim; I have the nurse come give you something and I’ll come check on you when they put you in a room; for now remember the vitals are good.”
“Thank you.”
“Ok; your father’s outside, I have him brought in to you.”  
I told him I’d have to stay and he should go home.
“You have money for a cab?”
“My bag is under there, Dad.”
You know, it’s strange; he has no problem asking me to give him money so he could get home!? He doesn’t know where I get money… But, he couldn’t care less?! And, I doubt very much even if he knew it would bother him; hem, he’s lived off her all these years…, knowing that I’ve been signing Elaine’s name and cashing her checks from the checkbook I took and packed in my bag the day I left that place in Brooklyn would faze him?! Well maybe if he was aware I only cashing $50. to $100. At a time out of an account which has $33,000. In it would?! I stopped writing checks after I bought everything I needed for a baby until a baby is one month old; after $1700. I didn’t take anymore. Till the day my mother died neither she or I ever said a word about that checkbook. And, I know she knew… every time a check was cashed.  When I cashed them at Manufacture Handovers Bank would confirm with a call before any check cashing; they did it since my brother, Kevin, cashed out a $12,000 check and left town! A signature that was in no way like my mother’s! The bank made a deal to replace half?! I’m sure she could have had ever last penny back but the bank would have had police-case opened and a warrant out for Kevin and she never did turned her back on that boy?! That check wasn’t even, close-to, the worst thing that boy had done. The day he died I smiled, enough said.  Well, I think she thought I would have felt bad and come home and I’d do what she wanted me to do that day.

The sun’s coming up… They just put me here in this room, room 410; I hear the Doctor down the hall. I hope he has good things to tell me!? I pull the drape to see him when he comes in the door; a circle of people are out there with charts. They’re coming in…,”Miss Rose, these are the team who will be watching over you.” Doctor was saying their names but I wasn’t hearing him; all I want was for him to tell me the baby’s going to be alright. “Miss Rose I spoke to your GYN and he informed me you were already aware of this being a high-risk pregnancy?
“Yes.”
“The chart says you been pregnant before?”
“Yes; never over five months.”
‘Well, you do have that in your favor; although, there’s still no… Miss Rose? What wrong?”
“There’s… No…”
“Listen!” he places his hand on my arm. ”Understand what I’m saying; we’re monitoring the vitals and you and your baby are, for right now, fine. The longer that baby stay in there the better be the chances of survival. Do you understand this?”
“Yeah”
“Good; in order for this to be we will need to keep you in the most sterile environment possible. Do you understand what this means? I can see you’re not; Miss Rose you’re going to have to stay in the hospital until the baby is born. And you’ll need to be on complete bed-rest so we can continue to monitor the baby. This means no wondering the halls this is a private room and you have a bathroom all to yourself no getting out of bed just to walk around, no unnecessary movement you need to stay pregnant for as long as you can. Now, you understand what I’m telling you?”
Crap! I look at this doctor like he just grew three more heads??? “You want me stay here, and to sport this bed? Until, September 18th?”
“No… Miss Rose September 18th Is full-term an ideal time for the baby; we already know that won’t happen that date’s gone and is impossible now. But the idea is to now get you as close as we can to that date. Let’s just take this a day at a time. I come and check in on you later. Remember, no getting up except if you need to use the bathroom. Ok?”
The bathroom only; got it!”  
The doctor leaves my room… Its Thursday morning 7:12 am. June 5th. 1980
Mind this point, it’s still 1980?! You can smoke inside a hospital; and, if you’re in a private room without Oxygen Tanks in use.
The date and time of baby’s birth is...; Friday, morning, on June 6th. 3:54 am.
They took him right away from the delivery room I only saw him from the mirror up in the corner of the room; you know the kind where things are closer than they look type’s… they put me back into my room. It’s 7 am. I know, I have had a baby boy but I haven’t met him? Three hours not one word; not one word to me by anyone here?! Did something happen? Again.
It is 7:10am. Door, to my room, opens… The doctor steps in… “Miss Rose?” he walks to the side of my bed. “Has anyone been in to talk to you?”
“…no.”
“We need to talk to you about what is next for your son…”
“My, son…” I thought sure… he was going to say???
Yes, they are ordering transport for him, now; our hospital isn’t equipped to care for his needs we need to rush him to another hospital that can give him the best chances to survive this early most… we’ll do best we can. They’ll bring him in a moment I know you hadn’t had a chance to hold him.”
As he said this four people enter the room and my baby, my baby.
The nurse walks around to the left of my bed and hands me this itty biddy blanket holding this little face.  I look at him and thought ‘His skin he’s so purple; his face… he looks just as she did. But he’s here. ” Hello Joseph! I’m your mommy. I’m grateful you’re here. “
Big hands; the nurse who handed my baby to me to hold is now on my right-side to take him away from me.
They rush my tiny boy out to the neonatal ambulance He’ll be at Long Island Jewish Hospital when I leave here on Monday.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Love is; Love is;
love is what more?
No more … than a dewdrop
Landing along the shore.

Spring showers; Summer rain;
Autumn’s, cold, … lonely mist.
A moonlight’s …parting tenders
Morning‘s… sweet moist kiss.

Sense…, caressing sea waves;
Sense the deep water’s reach
Feel, the echoes of silence
As dew… takes the beach.

Seagulls dance in foggy sky
Echoes…; Melody’s memory’s view
Tributes; …a long yearning heart
A lover’s touch;

Ado
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
A heart; Exspose; Drowns.

Reaching above
Sinks...

Doing nothing...
Deadman; No float.

A heart must learn... to tread.

Doggy paddle.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I hear… a sonata
Echoing of a breeze
Time’s… retrospective
… whisperings in the trees.

Leaves dance to shadows
Stars pivot in the night
Either holds to beauty
Secrets… held up-to light.

Leaves play to sunshine
Stars perform to night

Leaves dance in sunbeams
In the breeze … they’ll hop and play
If you watch the silence
You will see of what they have to say.

The stars play loons to moonlight
Hear the darkness… in the sway
Twinkling pitches of silence
they’re secrets are all on display.

No time is there for hiding
No place to be out of sight…
So the secrets are held in view
Performances with the light.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
A touch….
Your hand.

Warm falling rain.

It’s been a while…
...A smile.

Years melt away.

first time….
Its... the first time…

Once more …
Theresa M Rose Jul 2015
When a heart shatters  not all wounds heal.
Cuts; Bruises; Being taken and torn; These do…!
These heal!
Being deserted by love? The ones you love; The ones who loved you? To no-longer have the feeling to want or the ability to be loved…? Or, even to feel a touch of a hand  without dying inside?

To hold such fear of even the soft touch of your own child’s hands as he grabs onto your skirt looking for you to hold him;
Is it right?
Or safe?

To no more feel the ownership of my own skin?
To feel… guilt and blame; Shame… for being me?

At fault; … should’ve been elsewhere!?
Responsible; I couldn’t keep my world under control?

Wrong place!
Wrong time!
Things should be…
But no…!
They can’t be…

Still,…  
Fear boundaries;
Fear without a difference;
Safe or harm?!

Time doesn’t heal all; It simply reminds…

Smiles cover tears;
Laughter, pain;
Control is a myth…
But, for the memories;

Even all those good ones
… from, long, long ago;
They will always remind,
‘Do not reach…!?’

Time always reminds;
Reaching is merely
Placing of hands
Elsewhere…
On the same clock.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Ethereal;
Is such…
A singular
Touch.

Permeating
Beyond
All…
Boundaries.

Of Time
Of space…
no memories...
Erase.

Just a tether
Beyond...

The consumed;
Theresa M Rose Jun 2015
To be desolate
in the depths.

Better than to love;
The heart shatters.

Lift;
Drop;
Descend
Splash.

Down drown sung breath;
Where divisions hold dear.

To float;
To sink;
To be
… where the void sees

Night; Day;
Surrender in turn

‘Til  to surrender is all there is…
And, echoes

Emit what was…
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
More than a day
Less than a night
As long as a lifetime
A single breath takes flight.

With the warmth of a kiss
The caressing of a hand
Burning is the passions of red flowing sand.

Life is but a bird
A single breath in flight
And all will fly alone
When the day turns into night.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I see you
So many years…

An apparition;
Without recognition.

Our dearest one
In repose…

A suitable tribute
To all that was…

May she be with Osiris
And, fair better than we…

At,

‘The Weighing of the Heart’.

.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
The great raven owns my soul.
She flies me high against the winds of time.
I hold no more malice toward her claws.
She clings to my heart.

She allows me no room to feel free of my darkness.
Now, I seek no longer to find the sun or the moon
that she has taken from my world, so long ago.
Now, I see the peace of her flight.
Now, I welcome the journey her black wings take me on.

Into the sweet icy air ahead,
I look.
I feel the most embracing sense of joy.
I smile.

I see the dance of my ancestors.
They ride the skies over the frozen homeland.
Swirling colors in black skies.
The skies I have seen for all these days.
I hear the call of all that the wings have taken before me.

Now, I see her not as the thief of a mother's child
but as the flight of the protector
A protector of lost spirits as I as a child have been told.
I raise my arms and reach out for my greatest joy.

No more fear,
No more loneliness.
NeKraRa!
Reunited at last.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
The passion;
A rose;
Like… sweet taste of wine.

The moment;
A single touch;
A resurrection;
… mine.

The sensation;
Like a color…
A Tingling,...
Cool shade of blue.

The feelings;
My heart.
A memory;
… of you.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I think
Of you
I feel feelings,
Feelings,
I forgot, I knew.

I need
You to be
My oasis.
But I fear…
You are only
… A mirage.

Desolate sands.
Deserted shores.
I am…
parched
And starved
To my very core.

Anticipation begins
Fear
Just gives in

If…
An oasis
You be…

A mirage
A mirage is all I can see
If only,…
If only I could reach…
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I sit alone along a stony brook.
I weep, for all my lonely sorrows.
I conceive of what my life has took,
And, I wish not to know any tomorrows.

I gaze on down into the flowing water's stream
And as I sit in my tears, I conjure up a dream;
And as the stream accepts my tears,
I try to ponder what this dream could mean.

I'm walking in a timberland,
and it set near a woodsmen’s mill.
And, with the flowing water's rushing sound,
it makes this dream seem real.

I see a miller's wheel, and it's turning high and round;
It squeaking high above my head.
And, when the water flows down down to the ground,
It is then, I see the water is red.

The water is red.
This seems strange but it is true.
And down there in this deep red water,
A soft little white lily grew .

It is as white as snow,
And as white as new
And here it is dwelling,
Inside this deep dark red pool.

Oh poor lily,
Now, it is changing to pink;
For of this cold flowing red water,
This poor little lily did drink;

Poor little flower,
This little lily is heavy from its drink;
It goes down down under the water
The lily did sink;
Into its red red watery grave.

I Reflect back on to my stony flowing stream.
I do ponder of what this image could mean.
A tear falls from a burning eye;
I sit here in my melancholy
And, I wonder why;
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Only dreams…hold me.

Silence; …in your arms;

A gaze… brings panic.

Thoughts…spring alarms.

Time; Steals…memories;

Darkness … steals the day.

Relinquished moments… to silence

Rain

… falls away.

Your arms…

Wrap around me;

Lost… are years.

Only dreams… hold me.

Rainfall

… merely tears.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Receding waters;
Caress the sand.
A heart's hush
... as to love.
A time's measure;
An old rhythm's refrain.

Cool pool; The sways of nature;
Gentle scent,...a flow of tears.
Flickers of dreams riding tides.
In the night... a touch of years.

Empty shallows... holds a peace.
Time's echo… fellows foam.
Now, lingers
... without the moonlight;
Still,... stars dance;

I 'm not alone.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Warm,
Still mist;
Predawn haze;
Sentimental journey;
Long abandoned days.
A walk along the jetty
A time
… so long ago;

Memories dance to droplets
Aimless… to
And through;

Colorful lights …
Playing;
Sound…;
An amusement fair.
Gentle summer rain…
Silky night air.

Open umbrella;
Dew, embracing…
The breeze;
Air teeming rain
Tears...  now freed.

Thinking…;
It was here.
A moment
Just… like this;
Lost within arms
A soft… quivering kiss.

Toes dig wet sand;
Time steals ... in the haze;
How is it… now
Years just slip away.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2016
While breathing  find a reason;
Tomorrow never knows.

Yesterday has no say
Where next,  a footstep falls;

Embrace this day; Live the day,
So quickly does it fly.

So, breathe and do the very best of you;
Always, breathe until you sigh.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
An imminent storm;

Conceals…
Sweet enticements
… of a setting sun.

I stand alone;
… along the boardwalk;

I wait…
For your return.

Bellowing clouds
Roll towards the shore.

The alluring sea;

My heart
Begins to pound.

I look out.

Approaching rain
Fills me with…
Memories.

Rolling sounds
Thunder draws near.

Beyond…
A heart beckons.

Beyond…
This… precipice;
There... is you.

Anticipation.

Cold rain
… fills the air.

The boardwalk…
A stage of dancing tears;

My eyes close.

I smile;

The sensation…;
Your touch!

My flesh tingles…

I tremble…

I hear...
Choppy waves lapping
... along the shore.

My mind drifts;
Rudderless.

Casting waters…
Accelerate; My very heart.

My heart sees…
Salty foam
Thrashing…
against the jetty.

Sounds of thunder
Pulsates... though the air;

Through me!

A bird; Sings.

And,…
I’m alone.

I am;
Alone.

Waiting…
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Seconds
Tick;

Hours
Fly…

Time
Marching;

Soon…
You die.

Holding hands…

Please,…
Don’t go ?!

“ It’s the matter of time…”

Just words
You know…

Please,...  stay with me?

Time marches on

Please,…
Don’t go ?!

Still,...

You are gone.

The way time goes...
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
I hear … The door.
A voice … In the hall.
Shush,...A call
He’s here.

He comes … To call
He is here… For her.
But I know,
I know,...
That’s not all…

He’s here.

A smile… I smile.
Its cold...
A sound.
Laugher,... I laugh,

A chill...

A tingle.

She goes...
Up the stairs.
My eyes...
Go down
I look ...
I look, around.

I’m alone.
No one...
No one...
Is here...

He’s,...
Here again.
He comes… to call.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Drenching
Moonlight;
Water’s edge;
Water
Sand
… meet;

Silhouette
... leads
Nowhere;
Sweet kisses
Bask
... at my feet.

Essence
… is adrift
Here;
Time,
Time without you;
I fear.

Gentle touch
Beyond…dark, dark waves
Envelop me, my dear.
Pull me… to you
I am drowning;
My heart … is on a third descent.

Envelop me
...old dark black sea;
This is not how my love
... is meant.
Theresa M Rose Aug 2014
Manifestive
.. Appeal;
Perceptive
… manner;
Presentative
… charms;
…the wit of a Mad-hatter.

Perceptively perplexing
Both friend and foe;
Degradative
…praises
A mirror image…
I know.

Charade debacle
A farce..
Calamity divine;
Concert in crisis
Drama‘s
… entwine.

Spectaculative Improv
A living excuse
Performing inviolable;

A trist… with Mother-goose.
Theresa M Rose Oct 2018
I write; I write both day and night with pen and paper a premise ignites. I like to hear without a bang if my thoughts show a good flame!
If my friend there's a chirp in my word?! Please remember, I'm a literary bird!
Theresa M Rose Aug 2014
I feel so lovely.
I feel so free.
Oh, I can feel his hand.
He's touching me.

He looks into my eyes,
And his hand, it is on my knee.
Oh his eyes, I look so deeply into his eyes.
This, frightens me.

For so long I have been on my own,
And to be now no longer all alone.
Oh, to open my heart to him, as if it was a home.
This, frightens me.

At first, it makes me smile.
But then, within such a little while,
I feel the fear.
I feel a tear.
I run.
It frightens me.
Theresa M Rose Jul 2015
The beat of time
… is measurable.
The beat of a heart?
Timeless;

Time holds no keep;
To the binds of love...

Love a joyful prison...
No chains;
No bars;
Only Desires  compel
... and hold;

Only time, measures timelessness.

Neither skips a beat
... in the void.
Neither returns
... to an earlier state;

Only memories do...

Without bars,
Without hands
There is no end
... to reach.

Love echoes from beyond.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Loving you ;

Just
… for now;
A moment
… free;

Touching
A smile;
Sand
Sea

Soft, flame
Burning;
Midnight’s…
Sweet glow

Twinkles
…of eternity;
Clear skies
Snow;

Your warmth
…a chill;
With..,  new day’s light;
A moment’s … gone;

Silent night.
Theresa M Rose Jul 2014
Walk with me
… awhile.

Hand in hand;
The way love should be…

Along the ebb and flow
 … of a salty white line.

Reflections dance
 Lightly upon dark, dark, water;

Akin to diamonds.

Merely, the shimmers, of long departed stars.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Sun rise
Stands…
Motionless.

Clouds…
Hesitant.

A moment…
Begins.

Will it…
Be innocent?
Time,… does not know.

Small hands
Fragments;
Pigeons… coo.
A new day
Dawns…
Mornings dew.

A moment
… begins.
Time,…
Does not know.
Theresa M Rose Nov 2018
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-poetry-of-mark-anthonys-phoenix-and-short-stories-theresa-ros­e/1129796514?ean=9781984563019&fbclid=IwAR1KPV8FlNKSzblb8RbgCwkqBSlOLvs4UybdsU2isMUPkH3FZy-SX9rU­H_M

I am happy today; if feels weird?!
Publishing a book is like
the first week after given birth to a baby?!  
There is joy beyond...
But, there is also a sadness you hadn't thought would be there...

Remembering back
It, it is a good sadness
The joy complete; leaves an emptiness?

Enjoy this new time?!

Now, is time for the second born to begin

Now, is time
...  this first born to be.

I hope all my fellow writers have the chance to feel this feeling.
Theresa M Rose May 2014
Along a long and lonely path
Hills,
Rocks,
… and trees;

Darkness;
Here …becomes a sound;
Rustling, ... against the eves.

I remember
… as a child
… and now
Memories once more;

So much time
I remember;
… that sound; That sound
I recall.

Playing rocks
…at the lake; Long,
... after last summer‘s call;
I remember the cabin
A time when leaves… would fall.

Shackled pods,
Tapping laurels
Still...
Rustling
… against the eves.

A sound
I remember.
The sound; That sound
... wont give way

From nowhere
Tones of laughter;
A child’s memory

A child’s heart… at last play?!

Leaves falling;
Time remembers.

Not a sound
What sound
… could there be

… only of falling teardrops;

Rain;
Rustling;
Rocks; ...
The hills
And laurel trees.

Still,…; Now rain
...  there’s the sound;

Laurels ... still rustling
… against the eves.
Theresa M Rose Aug 2015
She left;
He left;
They left;
 
You’ve left too…
 
Just like peanuts.
 
In a snap;
Up, out
And, all that’s left behind...
 
Empty shells;
 
Goobers aren’t we?!
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Only a moment
… In wanting arms.

Trembling

The breath
Labor bares…

So minute
A moment…

fleeting

Angel’s breath
Against a wilting rose.
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
You are a whisper
In my heart
When life takes me
So far down.

You are there.

When dreams
Like leaves
… In the autumn
Fall to the ground.

You are there.

My, reminder
Spring
Returns …

In a heartbeat,…
You are there.

You’re in my mind ...
In my heart
But…

You are there.

I miss you.
My love
Theresa M Rose Jun 2014
Mirror, mirror,
You are standing against the wall.
I look into you to see me
But my eyes they do fall.

Mirror, my mirror,
Oh how i wish you were my friend.
But there's no one looking back at me
When it is i that is looking in.

Mirror, oh mirror,
Why must this be?
When i look into your cold, cold glass
i can see none of me.

i see what was,
And all who have shared in this sad old core,
But i can see not i.
For i am no more.

Though there is always a tomorrow
On life's most wavy shore.
For me, i can see not a ripple
As i stand here on this lonely floor.

I am here looking in to see what image there is left of me,
But i can find there is not a trace.
For when i look into your cold and rigid stare,
I can see there is only an old stranger's face.

Mirror, poor mirror,
How i could feel for thee
You stand here looking out, and what do you see?
Is it, could it, could it really be me?

Mirror, you silly mirror,
all there is i feel is your cold and icy glaze.
Is this all there is for me,
for the rest of my days?

Mirror, my poor, poor mirror,
i look in and i can no longer endure.
Oh, with my ******, ****** hands i look down;
Now, you are merely shards of glass lying on the floor.
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