i found home
in the gentle blue of her eyes
as she found home
in the crevices of my hands.
maybe i wasnt meant for love,
but you sure as hell made me feel like it
i would die in millions of life times
if it meant i got to spend one with you
and I dreamt of her
even in my dimly lit room
wrapped in the arms of my lover
I dreamt of the way her lips fell apart
and as i woke
I reached out for her
only to be met with the dull hum of my lamp
and the idea of what could have been.
I know you think that in a room full of people i've ever loved, I wouldn't choose you.
but you're the only one that has ever given me the love they claimed I deserved and made me feel whole.
id choose you until my lung's collapsed and I cant do anything but mumble your name.
id write your name over and over until my fingers became fused with the pencil.
id climb any mountain to you until my hands and feet bled.
id choose you.
in every lifetime.
in every moment.
I feel allot more than you think
I see allot more than I let on
I know allot more than you think I do.
im not stupid,
I see the signs.
maybe its not me thats wrong but you.
but I would regret caving more.
you were the glue that kept me together
the adhesive is wearing off,
you chose another warm body to cling to.
u promised man. ***. - jj
and that hurts allot more than anything in the last few months.
i love you with all the air in my lungs
with all the blood in my veins
with all the bones in my body
i hope you can find it within yourself to feel for me
the way i feel for you
it’s not you i would die in a thousand lives for,
but you i would live a thousand for.
I let you see the deepest parts of me
as you only made them deeper
but you were fixing me, right?
the knowledge that it was his name that settled your heart
instead of mine?
breaks me to the point where I dont think I can be fixed again.
if its different this time, prove it. please?
im still expecting a difference
i hear a ghost, a whisper
of your voice
it drifts through the air
and lands so gently in my ears
i feel the way your hands used to glide
so gently into mine
down my arms
settling so calmly
i turn and i swear
our eyes lock
and you smile
a flash bang of memories assault my brain
suddenly i remember all the things i fought so hard to forget
everything comes back in a rush
its disorienting and fills me with adrenaline
where do we go from here?
guide me please
i knew it was over for you,
when i could sleep without help.
im still waiting on that **** apology.
even if youre too prideful
to actually do it.
I listened to you beg for months
I heard you whimper on the phone
so many nights I think I lost count
I listened to you scream at me
and when I even began to do the same
how dare you.
I hate to say it
but they were right
even though I fought
for so long
to prove it wasn't true
they were right.
I never considered myself a monster
and then I met you,
some how I found out things about me
deep secrets of mine I never knew
all that you told me
but since it was you
I was convinced,
all of it was true.
I told myself I would never let go of myself
to help someone
who looked in the mirror and didn't know who they were
but I did.
I didn't say that was a bad thing
I love you
with every piece of my soul
every fiber in my body
every single breath from my lungs
everything good in this world stims from you
if you hurt I hurt
if you cry I cry
I am all for you.
why do I feel like youre not any part mine.
I dont hate you
I coud never hate you
I hate the way I throw myself at you
I give my all
put all my worth into you
nothing. I got nothing to show for it.
I hate the way I love you
ive fought battles,
had relentless opponents who beat me to my knees
the fights ive fought,
would put even the strongest warriors to shame
but the only battle ive lost
is the battle with you
getting you to love me.
putting my heart, body.
on the line for you
and all im getting
is you laughing at how hard im trying
im getting nothing
for the effort im giving
where do I go from here?
where. do. I. go.
im trying im trying im trying.
Im bending over backwards to make myself good for you
the things I've given up to make you happy
you dont notice the little things
and if you do you dont care.
you dont touch me,
you dont talk to me.
im striving for the attention of someone
who doesnt want to give it to me.
but you tell me youre trying,
so why not believe it right
we loved each other so destructively, in the eyes of some, it was almost beautiful.
I listened to you for hours, days, weeks, months, years.
I listened to you tell me you would never leave.
now I sit here.
a pile of ash,
burnt by a flame you started
that you didn't return to contain.
I like the way writing feels
being able to create my own world,
nestled neatly into words
that most people wouldn't expect
if you look at the world around you
you really look closely
you realize the subtle changes
how the things come and go
the air changes directions
the birds from south and north
the sun rises and falls east and west
the moon even takes a break during the day to rest.
something I've picked up on
something that doesn't change
when I close my eyes I hear your voice
and know its the right choice.
the lights turned off
almost like you controlled the switch
you drove away
and everything was black again
what have you done to me..?
i will still
until then goodbye my love.
to the end of time.
one day maybe everything will be okay,
until then i bid you farewell.
the moon will rise again, we watched it sink yesterday, it will rise.
the would will not end.
for i am with you
even in your darkest moments
parents texting causing more issues
please stop all this
just stop all this…
they told me no more you
will I make it with all of me?
it was never your fault my love,
for you were the innocent child in the flower garden
and he was the gardener
waiting to cut you from the branches
my greatest downfall is that I would still drop the world onto my shoulders if you just told me you loved me once.
the love i have given was lost in translation
the stars have unwritten
my heart has stopped beating
i have loved to no avail
but yet i still try for you
i didn’t know what else to do.
as soon as you left i ran to my room
slammed into the pillows
and i screamed.
i screamed the way they do in movies
when someone you love dies
the heart shattering sound
echos across the house still
i screamed until my throat bled
scratching and coughing
tears streaming down my face
i feel your arms wrap around me
your hands back on my waist
and i screamed.
i screamed because the weights gone
the ability to breathe is back
i screamed because it’s safe again
and god it felt so good.
I once asked you to kiss me in the rain,
what I had completely forgot was that
fire dies when it gets wet.
I will forever love you.
I told you I pinky promise.
ill be by your side forever.
just maybe not how you want.
wrap your arms around me one last time
because our clock is running short
forgive me my love but now you must let go
for I will be the weight that drags you underwater
but its up to you to decide if you drown or not.
he stopped looking at you the same way
his hands often drifted to his side
rather then your outstretched one
his voice became rougher,
the gentle tone slowly seeping away
his arms became less safe,
he didnt wrap them around you the same anymore
dont fret darling,
he might not be falling out of love with you
he might be falling out of love with life
I promised you that I would love you till the day I die.
I didn't realize I didn't have to stop breathing to die,
and im sorry for that.
I will wait for the day you find out who you are.
I am from cracked belts
From cigarettes and empty alcohol bottles
I am from the homophobic dad
Disapprovingly watching over my shoulder
Belt in hand
I am from the weeds and oak trees
Swaying in the autumn winds
Im from baseball games on the weekends and insulting words thrown at me
From the man im forced to call dad
Im from those who demand respect and give you none in return
From “why cant you just do what I say” and “your best is not good enough for me”
Im from a farmer and a business womans son
Im from the corn fields in Tennessee
Raised on steak and ramen noodles
From the father who never cared, the man I never want to be.
roses wilted and covered in thorns
you handed me one and watched me bleed
now im sitting without a bandaid
stuck waiting for you to come back..
im not gonna call you the one
but for a time you were
the way you moved engraved in my mind
your voice sometimes i swear i still hear
we were everything once.
you were beautifully everything to me.
now as beautiful as you are
i see now
you were just
i haven’t written in ages
because i know she doesn’t read them anymore
i haven’t smiled in ages
because i know she’s not watching
i haven’t been happy in so long
because i know she’s happy without me
there’s song i avoid.
songs i can’t play unless i’m alone
songs that i only listen to
on full volume with headphones
songs that once were,
songs that will never be.
songs that would play,
with you and me.