i make my coffee
stronger each morning and hope
i can feel the same

I was a twin,
Only my twin was a year and a half younger than me.
Her name was orange,
And she hated everyone.
She was also a cat,
But that is not important information.
I used to feed her yogurt.
And throw her down the slide with me.
We were real hood *******,
Manda and her kot.
We both had blue eyes, red hair, and devilish smiles.
We ruled the world from the top of the swing set,
But she froze to death in a snow storm when I was five.
Now I rule it by myself.

When I was younger I was very girly,
I wore dresses and leggings,
But never jeans.
I loved pink and purple,
And I loved sparkles and bows.
I was very girly,
But I hated dolls.
I drew on my sister's baby dolls with ballpoint pens,
Covering their foreheads with my cryptic squiggles.
I would strip my Polly Pockets,
And let them lay naked and ashamed on my bedroom floor.
I would take all the limbs off of my Barbies,
And rearrange them into disfigured beauty queens.
Fake people have always bothered me.

If I close my eyes,
And I count to five,
Will your god come down,
And make me feel alive?
If I watch the clock
That's ticking away,
Will I find relief?
Is that safe to say?

If I feel the beats,
Of my heart in my throat,
Will I learn to sing
The most beautiful notes?
If I take one breath,
Strong as hurricanes,
Can I storm away,
Like the sideways rain?

If I take the hand
You graciously offer,
Will the nightmares end?
Please get him off her!
If I tap my foot,
Impatiently so,
How long will it take
For you to let go?

Once upon a time there was a girl.
In the summer she'd hold her breath underwater in the three foot pool. 47 seconds.
In the fall she'd look at the trees from the car window and wonder why she didn't change color with them.
In the winter her boots would get stuck in the snow just like the cat and she'd laugh.
In the spring she'd make potions with leaves, seeds, and sandbox rain water.

Once upon a time the girl was a little bit older.
In the summer the pool would be too small, she'd be too tall.
In the fall she'd become enthralled with girls and wouldn't think of the leaves again.
In the winter she'd realize not all children were hit and hated at home.
In the spring she'd fill herself with alcoholic potions the leaves and rain water couldn't touch.

Once upon a time the girl aged even more.
In the summer she'd throw her last scrap of childhood to the big bad wolf. He gave her a token.
In the fall she'd change like the leaves, but then the magic would leave. She'd lose the token.
In the winter she'd fall in the gravel infested snow. She wouldn't laugh.
In the spring she'd try to end it all with a potion of sleep and cool metal. It wouldn't work.

Once upon a time it was right about now.
I'm changing like the leaves, stuck in the snow, taking too many "potions". The whole time I've been holding my breath. 571,501,629 seconds.