When was the last time you looked into my eyes just to admire me
Festered **** on the waistband
Shifting between pain, discomfort, and dismissiveness
Before, the flesh was white and new
soft and supple
The cut was made overtime and grew into a **** that’s constantly rubbed and opened up again
Infection pours out as the body starts to decay
The days all run into one
Time seems endless
The pain soon grows and then suddenly ceases
It morphs into much worse than pain
It becomes acceptance, anger, disgust, and selfishness
The thought of a dream that once was a priority to be fulfilled, is now repulsive
The mere mention conjures despair
Brokenness is my new friend and I must learn to live with her
She is all I have left
She is not kind and that’s who she has made me
What in the world
Am I here for
Everything that I thought I’d never be
And in my childish mind of innocence
I never factored in
What life really entails
Isn’t that sad
That when you’re young
You don’t even know what’s coming
I will do my best to understand you.
So I can be closer to you.
All I want is to live my life with you right next to me.
I see all the pain in your heart.
And every day,
I promise to show you a love like you’ve never seen.
So that the pain becomes a distant memory.
And just because no one has ever taken the time to show you.
How beautiful your soul is.
Everyday I will.
Those thoughts in the light
Differ in the night
I think sometimes I might be right
The future starts looking bright
Until I indulge a little further
Fruitless I discover
Sensations are in constant change
Enduring I haven’t yet uncovered
Numbness fills my skull
Losing all control
God please save my soul
I need you to hold me close
Please make me whole
I don’t know where to go
All the roads seem to be closed
My eyes are open but I can’t see you
Immersed in black I’m screaming out to you
I need your love to take me over
I feel like I’ve never had any closure
Sadness a disease
The seed was planted in me
Growing so violently
Get this thing out of me
Before it engulfs me
I just want to be
A lone boat
In the middle of the sea
There’s nothing around to see
Only the crashing waves
That keep it afloat
But when the waves crash against the bow
It slowly breaks a little
And the water seeps in
Little by little
From the weight of the water it carries
It’s ready to sink
Into the vast sea
To no longer endure the harsh winds
But to be rested at the bottom
On the soft sand
Fully filled with water
And I am that boat
Being filled with your love
Wanting nothing more
Than to be forever engulfed by it
I’m basking in it.
I can’t help but laugh.
Happiness fills me to the brim and laughter spills out.
It surrounds me entirely.
I can’t frown around you.
Your love has captured me.
And that’s all I wanted.
To be captured by you.
And never let go.
By your eyes.
.... You’re everything.
my once solemn heart fades away
into the glow of your rays
you shine on me everyday
even when your away
life is no longer gray
instead it’s a reflection of warm bliss
emotions so foreign to me
this is happiness
my once silent heart
she’s been speaking to me
and my ears finally heeded
blindness to sight
my wants at last take flight
dreams to reality
life’s the way it’s meant to be
joy and laughter
you do this to me
My brain doesn’t do what I tell it to
It’s always making me doubt
It makes me anxious
It makes me scared
But it’s something I can’t live without
I know who I am
And what I want
But it always seems to remember
Exactly what I want to forget
Anything can be a trigger
Even something small
It’s like a flashback in my mind
I try so hard to close those doors
But sometimes those memories
They slip out in a conversation
Things I don’t even want to tell
My brain tricks my mouth
It tells it, it has to get out
Just to have more room in the storage
Of the things I wish to forget
So my brain has more space
To close the door
To the things I want to forget
Why do you do this brain
You play these evil tricks
I don’t like them at all
And after my mouth is tricked
It hates my brain
For the things I said
Brain, you really bother me
I wish I could control you better
You break my heart
All the time
And It doesn’t even phase you
There are a lot of things
About my brain
I’m very thankful for
I really wish
My brain would lock that door
I have felt love through a touch.
Through a moment with you.
Those moments we have together.
I never take for granted.
I replay them in my mind.
Over and over.
It is something I’ve never felt before.
Something I’ve never known.
When your forehead kisses mine.
I feel your love radiate through my body.
And when our eyes meet.
Our souls are together.
Oh baby, you.
My heart beats your name.
Our love is a story.
A story I’ve only dreamt of having come true.
And now that it’s my reality.
All I can do is smile.
And vask in every moment.
I love you Johnny
Today I saw myself
From other people’s eyes
I realized all of the lies
I tell myself everyday
That I must obey
And when I mess up
I must apologize
All the time
Over and over
Out of fear
You did that to me
Made me scared
To make a mistake
Even very small
To you it was all the same
I couldn’t make those
I had to be perfect
It was never worth it
To live in fear
With someone who doesn’t care
About me or anything
Why does this always happen
I go back to this daily
I’m afraid to be wrong
Because of the yelling
I’m so messed up
I’m so afraid
To make a mistake
I must admit
It makes me sick
To think of myself
And how I lived
I have to learn
How to really live again
And that’s embarrassing
Sometimes I can’t help but stare.
Is it just me or is there sparkles in the air?
Everything to do with you falls perfectly into place.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, you can see it on my face.
I’m always thinking about when you speak to me from your heart.
It’s not a question that you are a work of art.
Everything about you is attractive to me.
You make me want to take you to the sea.
I’ve never met anyone who can make me laugh so much.
But yet constantly crave your touch.
Baby I love how you make me feel.
You make me want to come home everyday and fix you a meal.
I’ll be here for you through everything.
You’re my king.
As long as you’ll have me I’ll always be around.
I won’t ever make you frown.
I’m going to do my best to take such good care of you.
It’s really the least I could do.
I’m so..... mmmmmmmm.
IM SO HAPPY!!!!!
My fantasies have all come true.
I found him.
The world no longer seems so harsh.
His hands hold me as if he would never let go.
Every word he speaks seems like it was designed to mend my broken heart.
He studies my every move to learn just how to love me better.
If this feeling is just the beggining I can’t imagine what could be next.
But I no longer believe it could phase.
I never again need to worry about being hurt.
He has this power over me.
He protects me.
He strengthens me.
He’s everything I need.
My brain is clouded by thoughts of you.
Nothing else can enter it.
You take over my very being.
I know now what I deserve but I can’t help but wonder is it just the beginning ?
Or will I forever be under this spell ?
Is it just that phase of new love ?
Or are you truly everything I’ve ever needed ?
Because if you are, nothing can stop me.
My heart is breaking
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do
I thought it would all be ok
I thought I could live this way
But then I realized what true happiness is
And it changed everything
I can feel myself withering into a hollow shell
Drifting away from it all
The choices I have to make
The things I have to say
I know I’m brave enough
But am I strong enough ?
I know if I don’t
I’ll regret it forever
An eternity of regret and sadness
Or everything I need
My heart is breaking
Only in time can I put myself back together
My mind is a forest
The trees are my wisdom
Through the years they grow taller
The flowers are my memories
Every day my field grows
And I’m in the midst of it
I look at my flowers everyday
Someday the forest is in bloom
Beauty and color
Somedays the forest is burnt up
Black and breaking
Everyday in the midst of my happiness and regret
I’m starting to realize some of these flowers are poisonous
And I’ve been holding them everyday
And now I know what’s killing me
What’s turning me into this hollow shell
These regrets I hold in my hands
I wish would just fall through my fingers like ash
But they lay right before me burning me to the bone
Why didn’t I see it before ?
Why didn’t I know making those memories would try to **** me
Because I feel like it’s coming
It’s coming for me
Have you ever met someone who makes you question everything?
When you think you have it all figured out.
They come and say everything you’ve ever wanted.
Well I have.
There isn’t one thing about you I don’t like.
Your imperfections are perfections to me. Every word you speak I listen to.
I don’t forget any of it.
Because that time is priceless to me.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
My heart beats out of my chest when you are around.
I find myself laughing a lot around you.
I love the way you dress.
I love how you stand.
I love how you talk.
Am I crazy or is this apart of a plan.
Maybe it’s just me.
And everyone thinks your amazing.
But there’s something about you that’s extra special to me.
I wish I would have met you along time ago.
And I can’t say it to your face so I say it here.
You are so amazing to me.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
I wish you could read my thoughts.
So I don’t have to keep it all bottled up.
But I have to.
I open my eyes for the first time this day.
My heart is pounding.
I don’t want to get out of bed.
I’m stuck here like this.
I can’t face the day today.
I don’t have the strength anymore.
The roles are reversed.
Sleep is my serenity.
Reality is my nightmare.
There are these moments I have.
Where I think back to where I used to be.
I want to get over it.
But my emotions overwhelm me.
Back then I didn’t know any difference.
That was my reality.
Now that I’m older I understand no child should have to face the world alone.
I am sad for that little girl I never got to be.
And it bothers me.
You are everything.
Your love unconditional.
How great is our God.
The first time we met was at the park.
There wasn’t a spark.
Instead you made me laugh.
Since that day we love to chaff.
I try to think of you as only a friend.
My emotions I try to bend.
I’ve written a lot about this.
I continue to persist.
Instead I’m deciding to cease.
I just need the peace.
But I hope you know.
I’ll always look at you and think, whoa.
I will always care about you.
And the things you do.
I’ve never really felt like this.
It makes me think about your kiss.
Isn’t it amazing how someone can fascinate us.
They can get total control of our trust.
But what is it about him for me.
Is it his personality?
Or that he stands too close to me?
I’ve never met anyone like him.
He doesn’t even like to swim.
But that’s ok he is perfect to me.
And I won’t ever let him see.
What he really means to me.
my life unfolds before me
your looking at me
the chemicals in my brain flow
the emotion you cause me to have
it is my weakness
your eyes witness the suppression from my face
but my body can no longer carry on standing
it gravitates towards you
you have this power over me
you can allure every part of my being
silencing my thoughts is callousing me
in time I will be molded
warm smoke fills my lungs
that feather feeling tickles my bones
but the emptiness is still lingering
right under my sturnum
that black tacky insufferable gunk
it lives there
right beside my beating heart
if only I could smoke enough
for it to die for good
As I sit here in contempt
From all these emotions suddenly ceasing
And becoming fully cold again
The sun is setting
And I look up and think
you are that beautiful sunset
full of color
a delight to my eyes
taking in every moment
never here long enough
and when you’re gone
your picture haunts my mind
My mind never ceases to surprise
The thoughts that occur between my eyes
Are a mystery in my mind
But there also sometimes kind
I can’t explain it very well
It’s something that I normally don’t tell
No one believes me at all
They think it’s something very small
But it’s not it’s huge
It transforms me into a scrooge
Part of me doesn’t want to be alive
But the other part wants me to thrive
Why are all my feelings twisted
I think I need to be assisted
I feel an emptiness inside of me
It’s so painful it brings me to my knee
But this all happens so quietly
I keep it in so tirelessly
Because it happens to everyone right ?
That’s what they say so I won’t fight
Even though I’m struggling to breathe
I’ll just keep gritting my teeth
And pretend like it’s not happening
While my mind keeps blackening
Then one day when I go crazy
You’ll realize you shouldn’t have been lazy
You should have helped me
But instead you ignored my plea
And said it was just me
That’s just a normal thing you said
And I told you it was something else instead
But you refused to see
This isn’t me
It’s something that kills
So you told me just take some pills
But all I needed was your ears
To listen to all of my fears
And I needed your arms
To take away all this harm
You could have helped me
But you ignored what’s drowning me
Why does my mind play these games.
Now I don’t know where my heart aims.
It has a mind of its own.
It makes me feel like a stone.
I can’t control myself anymore.
It makes living such a chore.
These feelings rush through me like a drug.
They make me really want a hug.
I just want to go back home.
To the life I’ve always known.
I want to stay in my warm bed.
And know that this part of me is dead.
Can you really choose your feelings?
Because I can’t stop thinking about our dealings.
My feelings always just happen without force.
I wish I knew the source.
I’ve never forced them to become.
I just seal them up tight as a drum.
I ignore them with all my might.
To where my brain and heart are always in a fight.
But they won’t ever come to light.
And I don’t know if they will come back to bite.
But until then I’ll cry them out at night.
You make all my fears go away
It’s no longer a rainy day
A weight is lifted from my shoulders
I feel lighter
I feel brighter
I don’t think there is anything I can’t do right now
Food sounds really good too
Maybe a cheeseburger
Or some chips
Or maybe all three
You make me want to climb a tree
I love you ****
You make my day bright
In the coldness of depression
You always win the fight
I wish you wouldn’t go away
I wish you were here to stay
Especially when I’m feeling gray
You take all my money
You’re so funny
I love you ****
When I’m feeling blue
I just look at you
I roll you
I smoke you
I love you ****
You help me with all my needs
When no one understands me
You make me so carefree
I love when other people smoke ****
It’s a quality you can’t exceed
I love you ****
Thanks for understanding me
And for helping me climb that tree
It won’t be long now
Until I have to go
And smoke another bowl
Of course I was high when I wrote this.
All people love differently.
Your love was very different.
But it was yours.
You didn’t really like kisses and hugs.
You weren’t much on small talk either.
You were a quiet man.
A man of few words.
But your brown eyes.
They told me things no one could put in words.
I came to see you expecting a lot of words to leave with.
Words that would comfort my mourning for you.
You didn’t speak much but when you did your voice was shaken.
You couldn’t remember a lot.
And what you did remember you told us a few times while we patiently listened.
I was looking at you.
I was really looking.
Looking at what age can do.
It took one of the strongest men I know and made him not have any strength.
It was really hard to see you like that.
And I was disappointed but I knew you couldn’t help it.
But what’s amusing to me is every time I think I know just what I need God says no.
This is what you need.
I visited you hoping for a story to keep me going.
But that’s not what I needed.
That’s what you needed.
I needed your eyes.
It’s so beautiful how the body can be so far gone but the soul never.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul.
I believe that after that moment we shared.
We looked into each others eyes for a few seconds but it seemed like minutes to me.
When our eyes met our souls danced for a little while.
And you told me you love me.
You told me your proud of me.
And I’ll never forget that.
It’s just what I needed.
Your body may have been frail but your soul was never more alive.
And that’s how you loved papaw.
I love you so much.
My passion is so big. It pushes out of my throat and jumps out into the world. I’m screaming and yelling. And the world is afraid, they think it’s embarrassing but it is something too deep there shallow minds cannot comprehend. Day to day only thinking of the task at hand. Must be so easy to live that way. But are you living at all ? Are you even awake ? My thoughts never cease to leave my mind. I’m always thinking of everything I can but I don’t care what you think of me. Your opinion of me doesn’t change the opinion of myself. I’m beautifully and wonderfully made. And I finally love myself. You can’t ever take that from me world. Not again.
I want to cry.
I want to mourn my former self.
I want to remember that feeling when you get done crying and you feel relieved.
But I can’t cry.
I feel nothing anymore.
I thought I wanted this but I don’t.
It’s even worse than before.
Sometimes I think things happen in life to try to break you.
To make you what the world wants you to be.
Every time this happens I do break.
But I always put myself back together.
I’m not going to ever stop trying.
Jokes on you world.
You’re just making me stronger.
Did you know inside of my pale chest is a beating heart. Under my long red hair I have a thinking brain. Under my feet are calluses from all the places I’ve been. In my eyes are tears that are only shed under the moon. In my neck is where my throat is that’s where I keep my feelings balled up in a big lump. In my lungs is my soft short breath. All these together make me. But is this how you see me ? No. You see what you want to see because you don’t care for me. Not really. You only care to see all my skin. You care to see me as I was born nothing more. And when I look at you through my brown eyes do you know what I see ? Nothing at all.
I wrote this after I felt sexually harassed at work.
My whole day is darkness.
Those five long days.
Until that one day.
The day admiring me from afar ended for you.
You told me your name and you were dying to know mine.
And after that day there was a beautiful light.
And that light was you.
Your light is so bright, so unique.
You shine on me those five dark days and you try your best to make them bright.
And you never fail me.
You are my light in this darkness.
And I don’t know why.
Why you ?
Why do you have to be so bright ?
As if you knew you’re crippling me.
You’re taunting me.
Or maybe you are just you.
And your light shines to me and not to the rest.
I will never forget you.
Anything at all.
I just want to hear your voice.
I want to know you came for me.
To talk to me.
To be with me if only for a moment.
Until you have to go.
But until then your voice will suffice my need for you.
I don’t understand my needs.
I never have.
But I don’t choose that.
It’s as if they’ve chose me all along.
You chose me.
But you would never say.
Would you ?
You keep your thoughts under all that hair.
That messy hair that falls perfectly.
And it won’t let those thoughts out.
It guards them.
But why ?
Who did it to you ?
Made you the way you are.
Because even though it hurt, it made you
And you do it so flawlessly.
You know just what to say to me.
As if you knew me before everything.
As if we were together in another life.
But my lips are sealed and my hands bound.
And my thoughts are also hiding.
I close my brown eyes.
I open them again there.
I’m right where I want to be but why did it take me so long to get here?
I’m in her arms.
I’m embracing her but who is she?
She is me.
And in that moment for the first time I learned to love her.
I learned to love myself.
Not all abuse is physical. Sometimes it goes so much deeper than a bruise on the surface of the skin. It goes in your ears and straight to your brain. Sometimes it can even pass up your brain and go into your heart. When abuse is like this it makes your eyes water. Your bones ache. You can’t sleep. You can’t breathe. All you can do is remember that you’re not good enough. Now, the brain. The brain can help you never forget it. Sometimes when you think you’re over it, it reminds you you’re worthless. But the heart always fights the brain. It tells you to forget. But the heart isn’t what remembers, is it ?
My eyes full of tears.
My heart full of sadness.
Realization hits me.
Then suddenly it’s all gone.
I feel nothing anymore.
Nothing at all.
I look up at the cloudless blue sky and they’re circling above.
Are they here for me symbolically?
Or am I really that lifeless that buzzards swarm me.
They know how to sense it.
They knew I wanted it.
I wanted it to end.
What is love ?
Is it something that we choose ?
Or does it choose us ?
Or maybe it’s not a choice at all.
Maybe it just happens.
This is what I think love is.
I think that we all have these special things in us.
Something more than feeling or thought.
It makes us all different.
Everyone’s is unique to their own self.
It’s like a beautiful light.
And I can see it in them.
It’s what makes them so special to me. Seeing someones light doesn’t happen right away.
But when it does happen it happens all at once.
It takes my breath away.
I see them totally different than before.
I cant see everyone’s light.
I’ve only seen a few in my life.
Seeing it isn’t a mistake.
It’s also not little, it’s overwhelming.
I’m drawn to them.
I’m forever the moth to their flame.
That is how I love.
— The End —