eventually this will all be a shot in the heart, a fading noise in the dark. I have wandered and wondered for years now but to no avail; the past weighs in as an avalanche and the only anthem I can recall holds no melody, no song. in dreams I am merely asleep, in life I only exist. there's a place where empty hearts go, they say, of a valley shrouded in shadows where ice flames flicker and nothing grows. I wish I could tell you that I was strong enough, immortal even, to avoid such a fate; yet in the soul of my soul we both know that there are some things from which one cannot escape.

the only love I know feels like this, thunderstorms, warm hands and piercing silence. of passing glances and wilting flowers. even silence is a noise, some will tell you, and they are right. there are scars in my core that bandages cannot heal, that time cannot take away. how quiet people become in the face of those they cannot save. how little our lives mean on the grander scale of things. with every inhale I imagine that the universe must be consuming me from within; perhaps one day I will finally be able to forget it all.

I wonder if you still remember me from time to time.

(A.H.Z)

the asphalt on your skin is worn
thin as the blood that seeps from
your veins; volatile, impossible
and still in the end we laid you
to seek the quiet within ocean
blues, journey towards the sea
floor

glassy eyes, dying breath. gasp,
shake - water streaming down
our faces the tsunami tides still
break and they still take. i tried
to warn death of you and yet
perhaps that was my main
mistake

there are years i have known
and years that are a haze; life
is but a passing glance and
endless farewells. yet this is
the hope i hold in my heart, of
golden gates and eternity's shore
may it be you i find waiting at the
end of my
days.

(A.H.Z)

death first visited at seven
in the form of endless sleep
ghosting over weathered skin
and phantom hair; hollowing
bones that would creak no more.
they told me that the end was of
peace as we went through oceans
and back, to where the shell of my
grandfather lay.

death later breezed past at nine, when
the faiths started to shift at home and
great grandmother could no longer
remember my face. they told me that
time takes and time heals, but no one
ever spoke of how the flowers in her
garden stopped blooming after she
left us; only the faint hint of musk
and jade helps us remember she
once was here.

death crashed in at eighteen like the
clashing of cymbals and blaring of
horns, when the cells in my uncle's body
multiplied and could not stop. they told us
there was only today or tomorrow, yet in
my heart i knew he would stay forever.
we never speak about how his last breaths
sounded like train wrecks or how his passing
meant weeks of grey; only of how he left
a legacy of love behind and laughter that
could outshine
the sun.

death came unannounced at nineteen as
i watched my dog pass into eternity's slumber.
after fifteen years with her the loss is shattering;
when i close my eyes it is still her salt and pepper
fur between the gaps of my fingers, her happy
barks when we returned home. i never want to
let go, yet i know one day i must -

memory lasts where
life cannot.

(A.H.Z)

one day we will sit on the rooftops when the sun washes her last lights over us. on that day we will find ourselves awake when the world starts to sleep; amongst the quiet bristling of leaves and under the blanket of night we will trace the constellations in the sky with arms high and heart abandoned. our smiles will mimic the crescent moon, and you will sing that special song when the euphoria in your body hits a crescendo. we are but passing moments, and although i know this i will etch your voice into my bones, pretending that each symphony has no end, that all melodies are ceaseless. as your laughter causes the last notes to fade off into the dark, my own voice will echo yours –

this is forever.

-

“it has been years, and yet you still…”

she only laughs in reply.

“time means nothing.”

(A.H.Z)

I have loved you like this, with wide eyed glassy gaze and star struck wonder. The universe at our feet and the sky in our hands; weightless with the anticipation of a rose tinted future. Euphoria is dizzying. Even now I still hear your laughter, it resounds in my head when the silence is too loud.

I have loved you like this, with hollow eyes and a washed out frame. In those days no words fell past weak lips, only tears that trembled with exhaustion and a blank gaze that held no light. Emptiness is all consuming. I remember the void expanding further than ever before, spilling between flesh and bone.

I have loved you like this, with careful steps and controlled poise. Electric tension in the air, practiced smiles. “Hello, how are you?" and "Fine, thank you." The corners of our eyes crease, down-turned crescent moons set firmly in place; arms loosely hanging by our sides. Evading you is like running from wildfire. Our efforts were futile anyway, suppressed emotions burning from the inside.

I love you like this now, with quiet glances at old photographs and the replaying of my memories. There’s no one to fill the gaps you’ve left, but over the years I have learnt to bandage old wounds and heal these scars. To pick myself up from where you’ve left me, to learn to put one foot in front of the other despite the pain. Loss is strange. Even now, when the storms rage on, I can still hear you whispering “I’m here, it’ll be okay.”

-

I loved you -

No,

I love you.

(A.H.Z)

heart of my heart
flesh of my flesh
the merry bell tolls,
cries tinkling chimes
of young laughter

I sink in the depths
of your pestle, mortar,
delicate dripping lips
the hours are now years
hazy and blurred

of swaying breeze, and
careful steps; flighty
translucent limbs splayed
out in the sunrise of
pale moon eyes

shadow, shadow
I breathe in this now
exhale the rest, leaving this
heart in your trembling
willowy hands

(A.H.Z)

I. beyond us the sky stretches far past the horizon, fading shades of crimson bleeding into violet as the sun sets. “the world is full of infinite wonder,” I whisper, tracing ancient runes onto your skin. “and so are you.” the corners of your mouth break into a smile, and silently you maneuver the sheets till we’re eye to eye. “only for you,” you reply, and my answering laughter echos in the room.

II. in the morning the sun rises in bursts of gold, light dispelling the shadows in gradients of honey. the gentle hum of rustling trees cannot drown out the steady staccato beat of our hearts, legs tangled and fingers entwined. in my dreams I mumble your name, and as I wake to your warmth I slowly realise home is a feeling and not a place. “you are the moon,” you begin, “and you are the sun.” I end, sleep clinging to our voices in unison.

III. the edges of my letters to you are stained with tears, ink bleeding in places where the paper has yellowed with time. your gaze is a question, but I only push the box nearer towards you. “for all the times I missed you, and for all the times I couldn’t reach you.” I respond quietly. you spend the rest of the week reading each one, brows furrowed in concentration. at the end of it all I receive a silent apology, closed eyes and forehead against mine. I feel the words said more than I hear them; three words to carry us through the remainder of this life - I love you.

(A.H.Z)