I grabbed her by the waist in the disco-ball light
And said that we didn’t have to stay here and dance if she had any better ideas.

Everyone smelled like liquor,
Vultures circled in masquerade frowns to listen in on our plotting,
To drag our way out of the party
Toward somewhere more secluded.

But the alone time we made for ourselves was just that,
Alone in the most quiet and heartbreaking ways
That could only ever materialize when you’ve communicated perfectly with someone
By a complete accident of circumstance.

And the balancing act of the words you’ve placed rigidly inside of hers begin to unravel
Beneath the weight of all the questions you ignored to ask.

What would either of us scream tonight,
And why am I so worried about it?
The hypothetical situation I imagine
Is always an argument
Because I keep it realistic.

You wouldn’t come back to make things easier,
Change your ways
Or make up for the past,
But to yell at me one more time
To get thrill that you admitted it gave you.

Because you said you knew I wouldn’t leave,
And you left me wishing that I had.

As always, you want to sidestep the pain
And let it take residence, staying there until it rots,

You say you can’t face what was once effortless
But the most effort you ever invested in
Was mindless cruelty
That very easily could have killed me.

When I start to forget it,
I miss you despite the circumstances.

But it’s been ages without you
And it’s not as painful as it was.

I hope you get better about compassion
And less hung up on vendettas.

Maybe the blossoming of the new year
Will change you completely
And no one else ever will want to **** me like you do.

Am I the reason you’re so silent now,
Truth be told and not your version, or mine, of the truth,
Write the same poem again
Or tell me, in truth,
That we’re both worth saving,
That you ran for a good reason.

Will you stay gone forever this time,
And is it any different?

You wouldn’t know how much’ve change I’ve endured,
Or the shape of my beard anymore
Without you to convince me I should shave,

I’m healthier with you here, believe it or not.

I hope you’re safe,
No matter what I wrote.

I wish you’d say hello,
If nothing else.

You say I’m biding my time
Here, five years behind you.
Well, love, my world has changed
In pitch and season
Fifty times without you.

The time has gotten lost
Along with the details we had in common,

The spaces between struggled conversations at midnight,
Just 9 o’clock for you,
But always the time where we’d exist,
And exist,
And exist as one unit
Terrified to think that we’ll wake up tomorrow
Under a pocket of uncertainty.

I almost thought to close my eyes
And rest my head before I’d have to start another day without you.

But you, the Flower Queen who embodied all of the poetry I was struggling with,
You took my mind as you always have.

You wrote about missing me
And the song that is only shared by us.

It still tears me up...
I’m still blessed to ever have found you.

I always wonder how you’re living,
If your life has gotten better without me,
If you’ve prayed that I’d get better,
Or if you’ve hoped that we’d talk again.

I miss you terribly.
I’m sending you all of my good thoughts,
And I hope that you’ll get them
And know that I’m sorry
For not holding our bond more carefully.

We got so familiar...

And now,
I only wish we could again.

And would rip it out if she could.

You can condemn me
And think that there's a void left,

But you have no idea.

You haven't been around to hear
These beautiful girls sing or strum
And all you can see from your new outside perspective
Is sink or swim.

Your pretty face and gentle voice led me to try to win you over,
After you assured me there was something there,

And you only call out to those you love and trust

When you're scared.

I should have ran like hell the night you said you loved me,

But you were my miracle.

I know I was selfish.

I wanted to take the little bit of magic left in you
And lock it up for myself.
///
You saw through my depression
And spoke to my ailing heart
That not every girl who sings
Is an angel at all...

But maybe a siren,

Only graceful enough
To get their fingers behind your eyes
And push until something interesting happened.

There you are,
Still singing.

And I still can't tell.
///
Call it like it is.

Don't leave it shrouded in poems you'll know I'll stumble over.

Scream it at me.

It would hurt less,
And we could stop doing this.

I could **** my obsession once and for all.

I'd stop having to meditate to clear my head of you

And make peace with the fact
That you're not a monster at all.

I'm not lonely anymore,
But I'm lonelier to know you like this.

I don't hate you.
Not at all.

I'm confused.
I hate endings,
Especially without proper goodbyes.

I just want to talk things over,

Because one-sided dialogue
Won't get either of us further.

But if it's an ending you want,
I'll oblige.