and feel
the pain
in my

chest.

I spent your birthday riding busses trying to forget you. HSBC's and courthouses falling by the wayside give way to farmland. $25 left in my chequing account and I can't help but consider stranding myself on Salt Spring. strangling myself with salt water. what is it worth, life, if love fades and creatures exploit each other like coal mines till 9 PM- or maybe it's just my life that is so empty and void. maybe this is my last day alive because the last time I lived was so long ago I can't remember. I'm put on antidepressants, then I'm put off you. I'd seek out *** to validate my self-worth but I don't much feel like sinking to that level would do much to purge my system of this evil presence. I hate myself and you made me hate me more. I watch the highway land scape by like a collection of our hopeless, anxious hopes, and I wonder- what was I doing in the first place?

so blatantly alone---
everyone caught
up in their own
affairs they can
only offer me
'sorry you're
sad.' so blatantly
alone and my
parents are far
enough away
that I know I
need to face
this on my own.
so so so alone.
I ride busses
hoping it's
therapy, but
I am torn apart
inside with an
empty hopelessness
about the world---
I want to die and
come back a
happier creature.
or maybe not come
back at all.

so blatantly alone.

you will be the second
whoriffic plot twist.