Up and down; a trend in life that continues to death and potentially thereafter.

My life has been a mesh of many strange moments, days, minutes, and hours... I have yet to completely shake the solipsist angst I coyly developed following the summer after my graduation from high school. Sometimes, I really do half-expect the world to cave into some psychedelic stop-motion I can't escape from, capable of only gazing in fear and realizing that I'm trapped inside the matrix.

Love, too, has assisted in bringing me a sense of release.. but it has also conversely caused lows to become lower as I now have more to lose (in a romantic context). My head buzzes with strange information and gazes at others content with a twinge of jealousy at times. There is a way out of this; I've seen it done before.  But what alchemical combination can save a battered soul who can't be sure what the ultimate cause of the suffering is? It feels like a great part of it is my fault.. but the problem is how does one go about ceasing a toxic cycle in its tracks? Someone declaring, 'simply do this!' has only ever made it worse. But could that be a form of resistance on my part? Some lack of faith in myself or in the universe? How does one go about simply 'doing this'?

Sleep finds me half-awake, gazing at the luminary puddle of blue light dripping from my girlfriends face-down digital alarm clock.

I can never tell if she's really sleeping or not anymore. It seems to me like she's throned in a fantasy dream work I can no longer fathom due to omnipotent restlessness-- but she often complains the next day of having slept unwell.

Sometimes I like to imagine that she dreams of waking up in the middle of the night.