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Jace Sep 2019
Person A: There's a lot of beautiful red apples. Why do you choose ugly and flawed apples?

Person B: Because it will be left in the basket. Someone else will take pretty ones. I'm one of the only people who will take them.

Person A: Why do you say that?

Person B: My life is always backstage.

Person A: Backstage?

Person B: There are people who are standing in front of the stage like you. Some people are behind the scenes like me. Do you know why I'm good at mixing drinks? When I watched couples do it on dates while I was alone. There's only one way to enjoy that situation for me. But you know what? When girls go on a blind date, they take me with them. To make them look prettier, they hope that I will stand at backstage.
A conversation between a person seen as beautiful and a person seen as ugly.
Jace Feb 21
Dear Elliana,
Your long, blonde hair is woven between the veins of my hearts which I do not love but can’t throw out
What can I say? I’m sentimental
Even though I have deleted every fragrance and reminder of you, the world still sees you before they see me
I still have a lot of your old makeup
The fear of wearing it brings a stomach ache
I liked your eyeliner though
You had good taste
I get told I looked better as you by family whose eyes see only your pronouns instead of mine
I am gifted dresses still in your name, and I throw them out immediately
They want you back but **** those poeple because they never even knew you
Dear Elliana,
I am sorry I had to **** you in my memories
I never imagined you would be a bad thing
A lot of my new friends don’t know you
Dear Elliana,
I am sorry I am shattering the mirror of your body
I want to sell your hips, gift your ******* to someone who wants them
I was born and you didn’t hurt yourself anymore
You force yourself out of my lips in a guilty conscience every time I see you in another’s eyes
Dear Elliana,
I remember when you met me
It was the year you turned thirteen
It was the first time you said out loud that you didn't want to live anymore
In therapy you said you wouldn't make it to 19
On my 19th birthday I thought about you
You were right
I've been trying to write this letter for 6 months
I still can't decide if it should be an apology or not
But now you will never hear "Elliana ***" announced at a college graduation,
Get married, give birth
Dear Elliana,
I start testosterone in two weeks
I know what will happen when it starts taking effect
My body will stop being able to produce the potential for new life every month
I thought about your children, how I wanted them too
You will never be a grandparent
I’m sorry
You will never hold your lover’s sleeping figure
I’m sorry
You will never hear “Mommy! Watch me on the slide!”
I’m sorry
The child you saw in your dreams will never wrap their arms around your legs for comfort
I am sorry
The testosterone will come and you will become a memory I wish to forget
I am sorry
I apologize for the people who see me as a mistake, as something disgusting
I ask myself:
Am I a mistake?
Am I disgusting?
No, I don’t think so anymore
Dear Elliana,
You had a place
Never forget that
You still do
Just not the way you planned
Yours, Taron
P.S I never hated you
Even though sometimes I wish I could
P.P.S
The one thing we both hated will soon be gone
I soon say goodbye to your cheeks!
Jace Jul 2019
My past life was not a rosy picture
Doors slammed on my face
My heart was closed, sealing in anxiety and PTSD

‘You can write, but you’re not what we’re looking for’
‘It’s not like you can’t sing, but you don’t fit in with the vision’
‘Cut your face and we’ll consider you for our company’

Just when did ‘pretty’ become the cutline for a person?
When did someone’s job only entail dancing and looking good for the cameras?
For a chance at debuting my words on a small screen, do I lower my dignity?
Never

With my voice alone, I know I’m worthy
My passion is an everlasting beauty
If being a flower shined in the spotlight means tearing out my roots, I’d rather be moss growing in the shade
Wherever my path leads, I’ll thrive. Every obstacle will be my foundation to climb to the top

My past life was not a rosy picture
Doors slammed on my face
My heart was closed, sealing in anxiety and PTSD

‘You can write, but you’re not what we’re looking for’
‘It’s not like you can’t sing, but you don’t fit in with the vision’
‘Cut your face and we’ll consider you for our company’

I miss the days when expectations weighed less than my looks
I’m forever anxious about all the things that I lack
Scavenger hunts have turned to road maps
No time to wander or discover hidden paths

Stay the course, eyes straight ahead,
Grow up if you want to get ahead
Are we there yet? Am I there yet?
When will I cross this finish line called success?

Have you seen my childhood?
My lost innocence and dreams?
I’m searching for that wonder that made everything gleam
Like jewels in a pirate’s chest or the stars in the Milky Way
I wish I can return to those carefree days
I wish I had never changed
Why did I have to change?

I remember a handsome evil man led me to a company one day
Promising me a fortune and all my wishes met
I was a blank sheet, was too innocent for this world
Stupidly I let myself in
In doing so, I also let my legs open and my heart stretched out
I flew higher than the sky, hoping for my dreams, only to be burned
Someone, please save me

Have you seen my childhood?
My lost innocence and dreams?
I’m searching for that wonder that made everything gleam
Like jewels in a pirate’s chest or the stars in the Milky Way
I wish I can return to those carefree days
I wish I had never changed
Why did I have to change?
I wrote this about my lost childhood and how much I keep wanting to turn back time.
Jace Jul 2019
I was born in December 2000 at 11:53 pm
Miss Congeniality came out that year
I still watch that movie
I’m 5’4.5”…on a really good day
I’m 133 pounds
I don’t know how to dance
And I’m a sucker for over-sugared, terrible coffee
Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die!
I’m still learning how to be an adult
It’s difficult because I want my parents to constantly be there
But I get annoyed with them when they’re constantly there
I like Naked smoothies…. a lot
I’ve been told that I’m really bad at telling jokes
I’m bad at telling jokes because I go into too much detail
I’m bad at telling jokes because I still don't get them
I have a strange fascination with hugs
Ask my best friend, it’s true
I think it’s because you can’t see the other person’s face when you hug them
So what if that hug means something else you don't even know about?
I’m clumsy
Yesterday, I tripped over my brain, landed on my heart, and it shattered like a broken phone against the pavement
I'm afraid of writing an obituary
Maybe because I wonder if it's going to be written by me for me
I'm sure this sounds weird but I wonder what my laptop say about me when I’m not around
I wonder what the Word documents would say if they could read what I’ve written on their skin
I wonder what my pens would say,
If they knew,
If they knew that I use them,
To pour out my heart and soul on to something that can never actually love me back
Hi
My name is Jace
It’s a name my best friend gave me
I enjoy snuggling, singing and crying until I’m smiling again
But I don’t let my guard down as often as I should
I have solar power compassion
And a battery operated smile
My hobbies include:
Faking my confidence to my friends,
Hiding behind a past that doesn’t define me,
And trying to convince my smile that it's not fake
I wrote this for a Hamlet project.
Jace Apr 30
More than quiet trips to the library
More than a cup of delicious iced coffee
More than canceling Friday night plans
More than Tumblr and Pinterest
More than a new book that hasn’t been opened yet
More than the old bookstore smell
More than the coffee shop no one knows about so I’m the only one in it
More than finishing my homework early
More than writing a new page of my book
because being an introvert isn't a bad thing
Jace Apr 21
I love you...
More than quiet trips to the library
More than a up of delicious iced coffee
More than cancelling Friday night plans
More than Tumblr and Pinterest
More than a new book that hasn’t been opened yet
More than the old bookstore smell
More than the coffee shop no one knows about so I’m the only one in it
More than finishing my homework early
More than writing a new page of my book
Jace Feb 21
I remember the feeling of falling
I remember what the feeling of love was like
I remember the texture of his hands on me
I remember being old enough to understand I was transgender
I remember hating my body till I weighed 90 pounds
I remember crying until all my tear ducts had dried up
Jace Mar 2
I’m 19 years old
I’m ambidextrous
I hate bell peppers in my food
I still don’t have a driver’s license
And for as long as I can remember
I’ve had a fascination with hugs, Ginger Ale, and other people’s names
I believe there are only two people in the world:
Those who like spoken word
And liars
I’m not religious
My faith in God died before I could even figure out who He was
But in June 2019 I saw my nephew’s face for the first time and thanked whoever created humans that day
I go to a pretty standard college
Where thankfully my disabilities are taken seriously
And I don’t cry so much anymore
I know the best way to lawfully cheat to make your essays longer
Hint: the font size
But I don’t know the last names of any of the ladies who serve me food every day
I’m the transgender son of a man who still doesn’t want to believe it and would rather I be non-binary
The son of a woman who finds happiness in putting her children’s hopes and dreams down
I’m only 5’5”…on a really good day
But being built like a haiku in a poetry book is a lesson in finding ways to be seen as the tallest in the room
I don’t know what it means to be a man
And for a while, I thought dressing like a ******* could tell me
I’m still learning to unlearn the self-hatred inside me
Reminded every day that the ******* I have on my chest can be seen as male body parts if I had the humor to see it:
******* can be my misplaced ball-sack
I know that we all carry an addiction to property in our blood
I know that love cannot be owned in any way shape or form
Somedays, I am still the fourteen-year-old on the ground with my wrists pinned, being told to “shut the **** up” every time I see someone who looks like Him
I only watch two shows now but I know deep-down, iCarly and WOWP will always be the best **** Nickelodeon or Disney created
I know that the best actual company is not Disney or Pixar but DREAMWORKS
Because I like owning the fact that I am a male Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove
I like being the first person in my life to go to a human rights march and actually WANT to be there
I was the tree that fell when no one else was looking and dared to make a sound
I am the Thanksgiving buffet that depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder tried to take apart piece by piece
I am living proof that those ******* didn’t know what they were getting themselves into
I am both survivor and boy
Every night, the sky opens its mouth and swallows the sun in a single gulp just to make room for the room
What a terrifying but amazing way to see our lives
To be so full of so much light but always hungry for more
an introduction to myself
Jace Jul 2019
Title: Not My Fault

It’s summer of 2019
I haven’t gotten a job
Though I have applied to so many
Not my fault

It’s winter of 2013
I am on a bed bent backward
My skin for only his to see
Not my fault

It’s fall of 2019
I didn’t get the job at Disney
Though I met the qualifications in the resume and cover letter
Not my fault

It’s fall of 2018
I’m finally, to everyone’s eyes a boy,
But my mother speaks a different gender from her lips
Not my fault

It’s spring of 2019
It’s getting out so I put on shorts
My scars and my thighs are in full view
My mother tells me how ‘chunky’ I look
Not my fault

It’s spring of 2019
I’m graduating from high school
I’m supposed to be cheering
But instead, I am screaming soundlessly from a bathroom
The male teacher who had gotten fired the next week tells me to shut up
Not my fault

It’s summer of 2019
I’m trying to get the medication I need
So I can finally feel like a boy in my body
My father says I am boy enough with this ‘ugly *** haircut’ and my ‘giant thighs’
Not my fault
It's a poem my therapist had me write so I could get all the scars out of my head and onto paper. I blame myself a lot so if I wrote a 'not my fault' poem, maybe I wouldn't anymore.
Jace Feb 21
Tragedy wraps their soft blanket around me
Their own scars I can see plainly
They are shaped like cruel words
Their soft voice whispers, "He's gone. Don't be afraid."
Their soft blanket weaves the comfort into my soul and broken heart
The animals burned in the fire come back to life
The yarn sews it's way in and replaces my veins
My heart is protected with a lock and key
Tragedy throws the key into a lake blackened by Greed and smiles, twirls their skirt, and shouts, "Come on. We've got a planet to save."
personification
Jace Feb 21
Am I a bad person for not wanting to leave home yet?
to wait and see if my dad accepts me
because i have been told all of the stuff about T
my beard won’t even come in until after a year
if my voice cracks, i can just lie
but where’s the happiness in lying?
i want him to be there for me when i have my first shave
when my voice drops down a level
when I don’t feel like the body I was born in is something bad
i know this might be effects from abuse
and that what I’m feeling is guilt
but if this means I don’t have to lose someone I love
I can take that
Jace Sep 2019
You don’t have to hate all of your body to be trans
That’s a repeat I have to say every day but you really don’t have to
I like my broad shoulders and my curly sideburns and my singing voice
I like the way my dimples only show when I’m actually smiling and that people on the internet and at poetry readings are honestly happy for me for being out and proud
I love how my exercises have my voice even a little bit deeper and that despite not being on testosterone, I can still feel somewhat okay
I like my creative brain and how I don’t like math but am good at algebra
I like that I got my driving permit test right on one try
I like that I am slowly starting to mute my mother’s comments about my thighs and my driving and my disabilities

— The End —