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Taron Sep 2020
I mention me being in therapy during my Gender & Women's Studies Class zoom
And there's silence
A very long silence that leaves me wondering 'are people judging?' 'are people piting me?'

There's no good answer

My teacher changes the subject and I'm left feeling guilty
For wanting to get better
For wanting to stop hurting myself
For wanting to understand why my parents abused me

I wonder how many teachers wonder what I do when I turn off my microphone and camera during zoom
I'm not checking my phone or I'm camera shy
I'm crying in the basement
No one upstairs in the house can hear me
No one in class can see or hear me

We're in small groups now
I fear people can tell I was crying
There's another silence
And this time it's sadder than the one before

My friend 'it's okay i go to therapy too'
I say 'i know'
I'm left wondering why no one said anything
Why there was a hushed silence?
Why was I supposed to feel guilt for something that's not my fault?
That's never been my fault?
Taron Jul 2020
Do you know what it's like to be left alone in love?
Do you know what it's like to feel stuck in love?
Do you know what it's like to be too depressed?
Do you know what it's like to have to beg for forever from your family who neglects your identity?
Do you know what it's like to lose everything?
Do you know what it's like to wait?
Do you know that I will never be too near or too far away?
Honestly, I'm still waiting for closure.
Do you know how it feels to constantly chase memories?
Do you know I've got miles of scars no one's ever seen?
And an appetite.
And a sweet tooth.
Taron Jul 2020
I was born on December 19th at about 11:43 pm.
I've never been able to tell if I'm being insulted or complimented.
I can get away with blaming my indecisiveness on being me.
I'm 5'5. I weigh who knows how much.
I'm scared of my mom.
I'm a real sucker for people with dimples and comfy leggings with giant pockets.
I can't drive.
I like iced coffee and writing poetry more than the oxygen I need to survive.
I have strange fascinations with things like ratted, old Converse and the shape of my self-made scars.
They remind me that everything is temporary, but the pain stays.
I assume this is why I'm obsessed with drawing my scars as different things: stars, trees, a new poem.
I watch the sunset from a hammock every night.
Sometimes, I ask myself why so much of my time is invested in things that are only temporary and hope they come back.
I'm afraid of heights but not falling and I often wonder if I would survive stepping off a cliff's edge.
I also wonder what my clothes whisper about me now that I've left the closet.
I spent so long hiding amongst the skeletons that hung there that I'm not sure how to appear alive anymore.
I get called a number of things, both good and bad, but my name is Taron.
I'm clumsy.
I don't laugh easily.
I enjoy Korean music and strawberry yogurt.
My hobbies include avoiding love, vandalizing people's thoughts with my anxiety, and coming up with masks, I mean metaphors.
I have 1,154 followers on Twitter.
I can't think of anything to say to them that actually matters.
I knew that, right now, I am in both heaven and hell.
I know that Google shows 2.8 million results how to tie a nose for hanging yourself.
I know that I haven't become anything yet but i have an entire box of unfinished poems.
This is only a draft copy of myself.
I am not done writing just yet.
Taron Jul 2020
I love love though it's hard to put that into loving myself
I love the Netflix movies that everyone hates, Irish Breakfast tea, how potato chips taste so good
I love the shade of blue called Prussian and singing in the shower and Paul Rudd
I love "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" and how ******* amazing everyone about it is: the plot, the cinematography, the music
I want to write about love because I come from a generation where if I identity as aroace, that means I am a robot who can't feel anything
I love sunsets and how hard it is not to fall in love with sunsets
Other people should love too
Fall in love with Mother Nature and her child the Earth instead
Fall in love with the water that feels cool no matter what season
Fall in love with the air that helps us all breathe and doesn't get mad if it gets left on read
Fall in love with the moon because it will always be there every night to say "hello" and won't leave you on read
Fall in love with the people learning how to love themselves and remind them that you'll be there to tell them each reason why your dimples appear when you think of them
How do you not love, I often wonder
I love that my friends know they can lean on my shoulder and just cry and I will be there to give them ice cream, hot tea, and pats on the back
I love that my therapist knows just what I need in a bad mood or in one of our more sad conversations
I love that the friends I made in college understands what it means to be afraid of me in your life and how hard it is to let someone touch you
I love how awesome it is when you finally figure out what you do
I love that my therapist agree that dysphoria is a scientific word, not a gender identity
Taron Apr 2020
More than quiet trips to the library
More than a cup of delicious iced coffee
More than canceling Friday night plans
More than Tumblr and Pinterest
More than a new book that hasn’t been opened yet
More than the old bookstore smell
More than the coffee shop no one knows about so I’m the only one in it
More than finishing my homework early
More than writing a new page of my book
because being an introvert isn't a bad thing
Taron Apr 2020
I love you...
More than quiet trips to the library
More than a up of delicious iced coffee
More than cancelling Friday night plans
More than Tumblr and Pinterest
More than a new book that hasn’t been opened yet
More than the old bookstore smell
More than the coffee shop no one knows about so I’m the only one in it
More than finishing my homework early
More than writing a new page of my book
Taron Mar 2020
I’m 19 years old
I’m ambidextrous
I hate bell peppers in my food
I still don’t have a driver’s license
And for as long as I can remember
I’ve had a fascination with hugs, Ginger Ale, and other people’s names
I believe there are only two people in the world:
Those who like spoken word
And liars
I’m not religious
My faith in God died before I could even figure out who He was
But in June 2019 I saw my nephew’s face for the first time and thanked whoever created humans that day
I go to a pretty standard college
Where thankfully my disabilities are taken seriously
And I don’t cry so much anymore
I know the best way to lawfully cheat to make your essays longer
Hint: the font size
But I don’t know the last names of any of the ladies who serve me food every day
I’m the transgender son of a man who still doesn’t want to believe it and would rather I be non-binary
The son of a woman who finds happiness in putting her children’s hopes and dreams down
I’m only 5’5”…on a really good day
But being built like a haiku in a poetry book is a lesson in finding ways to be seen as the tallest in the room
I don’t know what it means to be a man
And for a while, I thought dressing like a ******* could tell me
I’m still learning to unlearn the self-hatred inside me
Reminded every day that the ******* I have on my chest can be seen as male body parts if I had the humor to see it:
******* can be my misplaced ball-sack
I know that we all carry an addiction to property in our blood
I know that love cannot be owned in any way shape or form
Somedays, I am still the fourteen-year-old on the ground with my wrists pinned, being told to “shut the **** up” every time I see someone who looks like Him
I only watch two shows now but I know deep-down, iCarly and WOWP will always be the best **** Nickelodeon or Disney created
I know that the best actual company is not Disney or Pixar but DREAMWORKS
Because I like owning the fact that I am a male Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove
I like being the first person in my life to go to a human rights march and actually WANT to be there
I was the tree that fell when no one else was looking and dared to make a sound
I am the Thanksgiving buffet that depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder tried to take apart piece by piece
I am living proof that those ******* didn’t know what they were getting themselves into
I am both survivor and boy
Every night, the sky opens its mouth and swallows the sun in a single gulp just to make room for the room
What a terrifying but amazing way to see our lives
To be so full of so much light but always hungry for more
an introduction to myself
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