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CAL Sep 9
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i waste my intake on energy drinks
and slushy mess

i miss roller rinks
and trying my best

today i hurt so bad i couldn't eat
usually i just don't want to

i have flashbacks to getting beat
those demons scream "we want you"

i remember feeling like summer
when i had nothing to lose

what a ******
why is life or death something i have to choose
149
CAL Sep 14
149
will it ever be enough?

will the rabit hole ever be deep enough?

can i fall far enough?
33
CAL Sep 3
33
up
down

rollercoaster
whirlwind

disbanded cliche
go ahead, let her in

rich girl, never liked it
one dimensional personality

new little sister
science, taking phisology

fae, stealing kids
shrinking goblin

new job, no hits
i'm driving! all in!
CAL Sep 15
now you sit
drown in it
realize how pathetic you really are
you narcissist
i hate myself sometimes, i really really do
CAL Jan 16
fairy liqueor
they will steal you away from here
cyan and mint
cyanide and menthol

the fae will transport you
to the old forests
the marsh will swallow you alive
and call you deary

they like honey and molasses
so put salt and iron in your tea
dont takes the gifts of nature
or the fae will take you away from me

mushroom rings and salt circles
silver blades and playful masquerades
count the fingers of the beggar-men
lest you give your name to the fairie magician
if ye meet a man on the road, count his finger lest ya deal unknowing with a fae
CAL Sep 9
what do you do when you realize you will never fall in love with someone?

do you leave
or wait it out

are you supposed to tell them
or when they love you, hear them out

when you hate the way their touch feels
what are you supposed to say

do you confess it then
or leave it for another day

how do you not make a mess
what if you don't want them to hurt

what can you do
where do you go

how do i explain i am trapped
buried under snow

what makes that okay
that you cannot love
CAL Sep 8
i still want to drag you into me
to eat you
love you
make you my enemy

we are fire and ice
and right now i'm a hurracaine
i just want to feel
and make you my drug again

maybe i only want people when they're done with me
i act like the victim of being so lonely
wanting to make a mess of everything
it's just the little addict in me

slurry rain
and whiskey on ice
please oh please kiss me once more
i promise to be nice
CAL Sep 2
it hurts doesn't it
to love a dead boy

pretending that more than alive is real
that being summer isn't destruction

he is fading
like well loved clothing

it hurts doesn't it
to die

to be the dead boy
watching them ignore your rot

if they even notice
how thin the ice is

didn't it hurt to drown
i keep asking the dead boy

you would know
the dead boy grins

this dead boy is my soul
i wear our skin
CAL Jun 11
i want to write about love
but it is like dandelion puffs
fluffs
tufts floating in the wind
away from me
i wish i had my own
black               hole
sun
i am alone
with smoke
and depressants
in a daydream

i want to write about some love
that has rode the air from here
angst ridden and running

i can't sleep
because i am thinking
i am not writing
because i can't think

this is a love
of catastrophe
and teenage pain
i can write
in adoration
of misery
CAL Sep 1
if you hate something
change it.

ditch them

reputataions are nothing more than concepts
the world is barely real as is

change it
and forget what others think
CAL Oct 1
one of those things
being an all or nothing person
i have given up so many things
and taken so many more
i have so many regrets
lost so much
because of this all or nothing bs
but i don't know anything else
are we all out

or all in?
CAL Sep 28
and he smells faintly of smoke
not enough to call him a smoker
his clothes aren't an ash tray
but he looks into your eyes
and his are sad in a way you dont understand
he brushes his thumb across your lips
you can smell it then
and cigarette against your mouth
he's addictive
you can taste it when he kisses you
acrid and bitter
but his chapstick is sweet
you cant knock him as a smoker
but he may be an addict

(open your eyes)

it was just another night
and now it's morning
you go through your motions
mornings strong
feelings churning like oceans
it was a dream
again
only ever the dream
you're thinking walking down the street
and he catches your gaze
real
you can't let this pass
you cross the traffic
unafraid
you have to be bold
brave
you introduce yourself
kiss his hand
the familiar smell comes in a wave
"you remember me"
he smiles
you blink

(please open your eyes)

you're laying in wet grass
on your side
the smell of midwestern rain
is in the water infecting your clothes
you're laying on a grave
you reach and touch the headstone
how could you forget his name
you trace the curves
you know it by heart
marble
engraved

(i'll open mine if you just open your eyes)
CAL Feb 9
softened eyes lit by afternoon sky
fingertips tracing invisable lines
a memory i knew so bold
has now faded away like old
CAL Sep 30
the only drug that numbed you
was him

and i don't need that anymore
CAL Apr 2019
he smiles like a child of the sun

the colors smeared on his hands make it seem like he painted himself so pretty

he sings like hell but he plays strings divinely, he has divine hands

his fingers are skilled, his jewelry is gilded

you've never read his writing but his poems are grim and he grins at you when he writes about a different love

the red in his blonde and halo in his curls tell you to be careful, heś almost not human

he loves another boy but, he isn't his

the light in his eyes is no longer forest green but ember yellow and gorey red

he's different than he used to be, hes wounded now but he still wants to love, to fight

he smiles like he's hurt
CAL Aug 31
this is not romantic

this not art

i think i am truthfully dying

and if you find that beautiful

that is not on me
CAL Oct 1
sometimes until tomorrow
lasts an eternity

sometimes you are struck with tomorrows that never come

with dread and now uncertainty
which tomorrow will it be
CAL Oct 12
scared to talk
scared to type

should i run
no, it's my life

can i say anything
do i need to wait

is this a test
everyday, a failing grade?

fear and love
pain and trust

am i worth
all this fuss?
CAL Sep 3
around the rosie
pockets full of poison

ashes ashes
on his left hand

a ring is like a promise
he wears his broken swears like

a crown of sins
he'll fall down dead

around the rosies
pocket full of posies

ashes ashes
we all fall down
CAL Feb 12
stings and is  tangy

suckerstick

crunch

bite down hard

lick

savor it
it'll make you sick

talk fast
fake conidence

smile and sit
with your aritifical orange on a stick
i grabbed a "mystery" flavor sucker, it tastes like orange disenfectant spray
CAL Oct 7
they get *****
rough
colorful
and calloused
having artist hands is having needles
run through your fingers
and you don't even feel them
becayse you are darning your littlest brother's favorite shoes
having artist hands is your dry skin
scratching a pretty girls soft face
artist hands will get cuts
they will bleed
artist hands can hurt people
as tools of painstaking and pain-making painters
who may or may not be toxic teenage boys
artist hands are a blessing of apollo
to create
and be merry
but they are a curse
if you wield them wrong
CAL Jun 7
in the woods
a high clear voice snakes its way through
the trees
the greens
leaves
dancing on the breeze

she is singing
she is singing
she is singing

i tell myself that there's a clearing
a girl is there
she is singing
in a white dress
printed with flowers
and i pretend she is singing

i can feel myself screaming
the force behind my lungs
they're emptying
a painful shriek
higher than skyscrapers
which i've never seen
but used to dream about stepping off of

i hear a fifteen year old boy screaming
and i tell myself
that it's not him
but a girl
she is singing
CAL Aug 19
rapid cycling
atypical
rapid
atypical
rapid cycling
a t y p i ca l
nothing wrong
rapid cycling
rapid
rapid
rapid
rapid
atypical bipolar disorder
because back and forth just isn't enough
you cannot even be disordered correctly
updownupdowndowndowndown upupupupupudown updowndowndownup
down
up
up
down
down
down
down
i just want to sleep
no i don't
i want a drink
wait, no, smoke
what
is
happening
to
me
i am so glad i stopped seeing my therapist
CAL Aug 24
why can't i escape visions of my past

i know my future is short

but it is shorter here, with you
CAL Sep 11
carmel cream flan
headset static

why did this go wrong

screaming
drums and bass

i guess we're still together
saving face

i am so cold

just wait outside
i will come undone

before you come along
CAL Sep 30
bliss
blurred lines of lights
bass
boosted through my spine
kiss of miss mary
cool  early autumn night
burn of herbs in a
couldron
throat
i wouldn't be like this
(it's bad)
but she showed up
and i was angry
but now i can feel better
CAL Oct 2
stale chocolate
and marshmallow cookies

i look into the mirror
at his fat face, chubby cheeks
im sad
CAL Aug 27
i cannot hear

i cannot see

this whole world

is just my mind and me
and you.
CAL Sep 8
why keep trying to create art?

there is no beauty to come from that twisted heart.
CAL Aug 27
i dipped a lollipop in your blood
you let me have a taste all those days ago

i threw a wrench in your mind yesterday
just was thirsty and thought of you

cramming knives in chest cavities
and biting her because she's new

you fell in love with a vampire
immortal and seductive

i'm hiding from you
and i'm playing blood sucker

so you might want to run
i'm coming back for you *******
CAL Sep 15
how to apologize:
blue fruit snacks

seething anger
bruises, inbetween knuckles, blood filling the cracks

the color of his eyes
that stormy blue with grey

pale skin
dying, purple veins
CAL Sep 30
i feel so sick
i ate until i got sick
and not eating made me sick
sick
sick
sick
i want to throw up
because i am in actual pain
stupid body image
and control
and death
dying
and all the pain
but **** it
i'll fix it another day
ate too much at lunch
CAL Feb 10
boy eating fairie wings
taste peach and mint
smell of ash, mango and cinnamon
heathen royalty
king of the hobgoblins
sunset hair
heart of void and gold
irises spun of silver and electricity
sing to that gypsy tambourine
young, elven king
run the woods
and swim in crystal
boy wanting to taste the life of god
just bite and feel her blood in your teeth
grab the stars
hide them in your carpenter pockets
want more
crave it all
king is not enough
empire is not enough
honey and dew-chips
ichor on toasted bread
eat your heart out
little and wild
boy of the fae
i wrote this all in one go while riding in a car because a picture inspired me
CAL Sep 8
i am a demon
son of a serpent

i do evil
we do not repent

i am the incubus
we doing the bidding of the many

today is our last
for hell is soon empty
CAL Sep 8
i am the blessed
son of a savior

the lion
the roar of an angel

we battle in the moonlight
we ride and fly

i bare my sword tonight
i am the protector

we do not leave our task
sanctuary will not be breached

this night could be my last
but to my lord i am beseached
CAL Mar 5
blue
purple
pink
red
i can hear every hit echo back in my ears
the wall
metal on plastic
then bones on a dot texture
...
twice
then a little blood
stinging
cold water
"i had to climb under the door because i slammed the door and broke the lock"
my knee hit the door twice
to open it
so my knee is purple, pink, red and blue too
with the same look
of tiny bubble wrap
scabbing
and popped blood vessels

these bruised spots are because of me
because of anger
and hurt
because the easiest things to be
are
angry
and hurt

i wonder what i made my heart look like
maybe it's all black
and bleeding
leaking out
tears
leading me
my fears

the promise to heal
is all there is
to fix the bruises

hope
is all there is
to heal us
maybe we can work a way to talk and to exist without breaking ourselves more
CAL Mar 10
underwater
sound doesn't travel right
your words
become bubbles under there
i am bubbling
surrounded by bubbles and airy orbs
aria
air
i have been for weeks
i think that's why i'm being like this
why it's happening now
because while drowning
not only are my words empty
unclear
they are killing me
they can't be heard
the thing is though
i can't hear either
salt water in my eyes
welling in my lungs
pressure in my ears
the only sound
while im drowning
is my own screaming
bubbling
from inside me
CAL Jan 30
when i run
and i purge it all out
i can almost see the embers in my throat
cinder and ash exhaled
leaving my heaving lungs

wrath and envy
familar feelings so sickly
set alight
blazing on the inside of my skin
it
is

painful

but i dont cry
my tears and fears evaporate
the furance in my chest cavity
burning so brightly
takes and takes til there is nothing left
nothing to cry out
or to say

it burns until i am empty
except for the memory of ash
there is no way to extinugish it
so i sit
and i let myself
burn away
i let myself get too caught up in my dreams and fantasies

i should stop dreaming
CAL 5d
sunday to sunday
paid every other wednesday
working a 32 hour week
is kind of tiring
CAL Aug 5
some nights
i ponder
wonder
if i should burn candles
the ones i like
that smell nice
like home
spice
citrus
pine
peach and lavender
like love and life
the candles i like
and grow fond of
i want to save them
from the scent of ash
from wasting away
but what if they know their purpose
is to burn
candles, stars, people
they all burn and burn and
burn out
what if saving them
is dooming them to self hatred
to never accomplishing the sacred task
some nights i want to save them

but death is the true savior
from ash you were born and to ash you shall return
CAL Oct 3
**** rules
we are endless

no restraints
toss out the rulebooks

we are a supernova
and storms ready to strike

playlists
and tentative

we'll test the world
and and run this ****

one day
just the two of us
CAL 17h
i think that my pain
has overflowed into the souls of those around me
CAL Aug 24
in chess
(a game i am very bad at by the way)
the king is the most important
(he's useless)
piece on the board
(you sacrifice everything to protect him)
he may only move one space in any cardinal direction
(he cannot save himself)
do not allow him to be cornered
(the world has me in a check)
or the game will end
(i am a helpless king)
like this

c h e c k m a t e
CAL Mar 31
coughing and sputtering
*****
throwing up water
your lungs heavy still
with something that willl never leave

for a second
when you break water
you choke

before you can even breathe in
you are dragged back into oblivion
before you can get everything out
you are so paranoid you can't sleep
you can't keep down breakfast
you don't drink anything but soda and coffee
you go totally numb
and sit in an empty bathtub for 40 minutes
trying to remember how to breathe

you can thrash
and pray
try to swim away
up
or down
you can fight until your demise
but when your best chance at the surface is choking
you don't survive
CAL Sep 14
i could be silent for the rest of time
(who says we even have to talk)
i want to be incinerated
(bodies don't need sound to be shared)
after the crack of myself on a sidewalk
and the crackling of my shell
there would be nothing
(my mind is never quiet but i can hold my tongue)
(why not try it)
(are you saying i'm an addict)
in death
(there are ways to coexist)
there is silence
CAL Oct 5
control isses?
maybe so
but i am not afraid
i am confident
content
weightless
i can be young
and free
no one can instill fear into me
my stepmother
will not make me cower
her mom will not trap me under her tower
i am strong
i am in love
this is a beautiful, restless world
this control is not wrong
CAL Sep 14
you can feel it glide through you
simplicity
it will make you feel pure
empty
the coolness lasts
eternity

just something
good for me
CAL Sep 3
you cannot see cans getting emptier
but you feel it

you steal from it
swallow it's being

i envy the way they crash in on themselves
cracked and crinkled

they empty fast
and easily

i envy people who can just eat
they make it simple
easy
they can just fuel the body
and go on

i could do that
but now i worry
everything that goes it
and the weight that come out

i almost wish i was one of those empty cans
small and shiny
breakable
ready to be rid of
CAL Aug 31
delete.

get rid of these thoughts
this body

set him free
be holy

cold
close to heaven

leave him
run to haven

he will break the glass
and escape the grasp

delete.

let him run
until empty

pretend he never existed
ctrl. alt.
delete.
CAL Aug 31
******* work boots

and blue wrist covers

sick girls

and even sicker boys

extra large t-shirts

and dropping 30 pounds

diet pepsi in silver cans

and cut hands

telling your therapist you're done

and dad never asking questions

getting worse

and pretending it's fine
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