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3.6k · Dec 2018
sleep lion boy
CAL Dec 2018
i often wonder why it is i can’t dream
i can sleep just fine
but i’m always tired
i sleep pitch black
like a smoker’s lungs or like the rift
my mind blank and open, empty
dead asleep
dead still, awake
tired and fatigued
unconscious with open eyes
i hear little monsters in my head
“sleep, sleep lion boy”
their unholy mother sings
“rest up, lion blood”
and they stop as soon as i close my eyes
as soon as i pass into that void
i cross a line into the abyss
i can no longer think
do i even breathe
sleep now lion-hearted child
i want to dream
i want your pixie themed, technicolor movie theater dreams
i don’t miss my rusted monochrome nighterrors
i just want back those memories i never had
blazing beaches, my arms tanned and strong
but all i know is my body pale and sick
all i know is i’m awake
and i don’t think i want to be
sorry i havent posted for awhile, got busy then school let out for break
1.4k · Jan 2019
CAL Jan 2019
this empire, a tragedy
i have built an empire
under a million rules extended by thousand people
under my protection

blood runs off my hands
my hands clad in gold rings
gold rings clad in chain link and regret

i am fearless
i was fear
he is nothing
he was powerful
we were kings
i am god
but we thought vice versa

bruised knuckles that bleed ambrosia
my gore to feed the deities of long time gone
i remember what it felt like the first time
a million lives ago they ripped me apart
they fed off my insides

before becoming god he was a king
and before that a beggar child
weak, beaten on the street screaming
he screamed until his throat bled
remember that the one you crowned once lay at your feet
and while he lay there he threw up blood and choked on tears
one day you will be the one begging him for mercy
your tears on his sword

poor thing
banished from your own kingdom
no longer next to the highest in power
poor, poor thing
you are no longer welcome here

the old gods took the form of wolves
the took their apprentice to the woods
they ran
they burned their lungs with cold air
they ran
they attacked him from behind
they ran
they ate his flesh and drink his blood
they ran
they rebirthed him into an emperor
they ran
they promised to speak to and through him
the old gods no longer take form

in he dug his dagger
down into his wrists and thighs
down into his stomach
he painted his silver pale skin
with his own blood
he tugged open his lips to lap up the ichor
he ripped out his human teeth with claws
in place grew in wolf teeth and fangs
his wounds healed over with fur
all human left of him now, his eyes
still blue

little red riding hood
no longer loved by god
god just as vicious as a wolf
empires ruled by gods
ruled by wolves

crack went a rope
crack went a gun
crack went the thunder
one died one his own
two died in a fight
no one died in the storm
only wept
a fanged inhuman hung from the stairwell
two boys lay dead in the street in the wake of a lovers quarrel
two funerals held in the same hall
buried in the same storm
only two funerals, only two dead
he killed me twice
880 · Jan 30
CAL Jan 30
when i run
and i purge it all out
i can almost see the embers in my throat
cinder and ash exhaled
leaving my heaving lungs

wrath and envy
familar feelings so sickly
set alight
blazing on the inside of my skin


but i dont cry
my tears and fears evaporate
the furance in my chest cavity
burning so brightly
takes and takes til there is nothing left
nothing to cry out
or to say

it burns until i am empty
except for the memory of ash
there is no way to extinugish it
so i sit
and i let myself
burn away
i let myself get too caught up in my dreams and fantasies

i should stop dreaming
CAL Sep 29
i almost kissed her
not because i wanted to
or want to
it seemed like it would've been the right thing to do
i called her pretty
because i want my friends to love themselves
not because i want her to like me
i am helping her live a teenage dream
because she happens to be in my life
it's my dream i'm trying to live
but i keep coming so close to following a script
i am that mean teen dreamy king
i made it my role
but i don't want to be everyone's heartthrob
when i had better things
i didn't have to be like this
i just

i almost let it happen
because i feel like i have to
if it happens the not-me will come back again
i want you anyway
770 · Jan 23
hey northstar
CAL Jan 23
brightest star in the sky
prettiest eyes
and gentlest smile

tender hands
mild voice
exciting touch

hey northstar
you know i love you
and that i am barely dust

stardust and spacesmoke
you are the only thing in my sky
and i am just a lovestruck guy

my guiding light
wont you tell me wrong from right
and keep me safe in the apothic nights

in a galaxy as big as this
maybe more than dust, dust is
and that you, miss
northstar, can remember more than a bad kiss
words are hard but i found a title in my notes and wanted to try
677 · Aug 14
today is my birthday
CAL Aug 14
i have lost much more in a years time
than i lost in fifteen
today i am sixteen

today, i too am lost
564 · Jan 28
in the rain
CAL Jan 28
on the bus ride
and other friends side-by-side
in the storm
surrounded by merriments
and greater things
you held me in your arms
it was beauty
in a two-person seat
a kiss
or two
maybe three
shltered yes, but still
in the rain
i hope that im not a bad kisser, there are more pressing matters in life but still
522 · Sep 10
why am i doing this
CAL Sep 10
why did i do that
why did i do that
im sorry
im sorry
please come back
just dont leave please
im sorry
im really sorry
i dont know why i did that
517 · Apr 2019
CAL Apr 2019
there's a boy
you see him before you fall asleep in class
his presence kisses your eyelids as you drift away from the droning words of the teacher
he sits in the back of the room, hands tangled in his hair
the next day he doesn't sit in his little corner
he sits next to you
he smiles at you and introduces himself as a name you don't remember
he smells like a few things that don't mix
original old spice deodorant
peach and cinnamon
and ax spray
he grins with canines that are just a little too sharp
he talks with a voice that's a little too far away

there's a boy
you read his writing, poetry and songs
he writes a little too heavenly and too fast
you watch him laugh, he has too many enemies
he drinks a lot of energy drinks, mostly peach and mango and he only chews cinnamon gum
he always talks to you
you make him feel better when he's on edge

there's a boy
you realize you do and don't know him at the same time
he doesn't like bright lights and he's always dizzy
it took you a long time to notice how covered in scars he was
you asked him to sit away from you and he does
he moves back to that little corner
its like his own world over there, he almost disappears
you miss him and the day you mean to tell him that
he's gone

there was a boy
he was like icarus and romeo
you don't remember his name except his old desk still says
this may be my favorite
440 · Oct 2
october kids
CAL Oct 2
old/new boots
still stiff on your ankles
but secondhand nonetheless

uno cards
and looming clouds of quarantine

lack of lips
and cotton candy color tip shoelaces

more cream coffee
and caramel apple lollies

we are are nothing more than youth yet

tried and trying
living and dying
loving and lying

we are nothing more than kids

fast cars
and narcotic cancers
sparking lighters
reckless dancers

we are still kids

it is time to pretend it's halloween
and we dress up
we will be ghosts,
princesses or kings

we are kids
until the spring
i don't want to grow up
not right now at least
438 · Sep 8
brothers II
CAL Sep 8
i am the blessed
son of a savior

the lion
the roar of an angel

we battle in the moonlight
we ride and fly

i bare my sword tonight
i am the protector

we do not leave our task
sanctuary will not be breached

this night could be my last
but to my lord i am beseached
358 · Mar 29
the burning dawn
CAL Mar 29
bright eyed dusk
lilac friend
is burning electricity
the plains on fire
love enflamed
in the eyes of a world master
comes the kiss of death
in the light
of the burning sun
the son falters
and runs
a race to infinity
in the burning dawn
the burning dusk is running
and he runs
towards an unknown darkness
it all fades
to grey
then green
then blue
then nothing

in the burning dawn
there is nothing
but orange
and the prospect of
the burning dusk
336 · Jun 16
my sister
CAL Jun 16
she is anything but my sister
wanted to be my lover
never my blood
we were friends
jealous spikes
creaking branches
comparing heights
she was never my sister
and now she would be my brother
but she turned up the heat
and tears tumbling
someone not made of fire
she was
and burned herself up
in ice
and i
was drenched in lighter fluid
torched and torn
ignored and forlorn
my flame got hot
and i was forgot
my "sister"
couldnt handle me
it wasn't confortable in my summer bonfire heat
but she kept pouring on the gasoline

pouring right onto me
i dont need you. never did. never will.
i know that now
304 · Sep 11
CAL Sep 11
drinks that make your insides warm

girls hanging in your arms

we are all dying young

but only one boy causing harm
CAL Aug 31
this is not romantic

this not art

i think i am truthfully dying

and if you find that beautiful

that is not on me
289 · Nov 2018
CAL Nov 2018
heaven the glorious silver palace
the pearly gates
your final resting place
your safe haven of the afterlife
my dear is all a lie
the harmonious sound of the angels singing
is truly the hoarse worn out screaming of the trapped souls
their throats raw
their voices pained and fading
the gates are there not to keep us free minds out
but to lock you in for eternity
that existence must be blinding and excruciating
neon white and platinum
everything medical grade sterile and ivory
freezing cold lost in celestia
you are now and forever abused stardust
nothing but a shadow of who you were
because you went to heaven
they erase you give you wings
and pretend that was the end goal
you join the holy choir and without end you sing
you will stand and sing until the end of ends
your god and his never dimming light will burn out your retinas
the holiest of angels will **** at your remnants
you with stand in the cold until you blister
you will sing until your lungs fill with blood
but congrats
you made it into heaven
there is no end to our suffeering
288 · Aug 17
why? for i am dust
CAL Aug 17
and now i wonder
why did i ever care

nothing is tangible
nothing matters
and no one stays

i could
or just be

and it wouldn't matter
because in this world i am dust
and nothing lasts

i am dust, and to dust i shall return
286 · Aug 25
CAL Aug 25
in a white room
without windows
rip down the curtains

in the blackout
down the bottle
change the station

in the blue sea
you are clinging
to the surface

in a red light
smoky incense
the fire is bright

in his mind
he is dying
this is creation
270 · Oct 1
all or nothing
CAL Oct 1
one of those things
being an all or nothing person
i have given up so many things
and taken so many more
i have so many regrets
lost so much
because of this all or nothing bs
but i don't know anything else
are we all out

or all in?
253 · Nov 2019
golden boy
CAL Nov 2019
is that all you are
golden boy?
are you more than expectations
can you be more
you are not made to stand strong
you are made to look pretty
to glitter like a trophy
you do not get ripped jeans and grass stains
you are button ups and glass cases
is this all you are
do i know you better
safetypin paperclip keyring
tink tink tink
down the hallway
"golden" boy
you are worthless
fools gold
you are a disaster
y o u  a r e  n o t  r e a l
please just stop talking
your voice is nothing in the cacophony of life
you are nothing even in your own hurricane

you are a shelf toy
you keep up your grades
you smile in pictures
you do the things you dont want to do
you say "i love you" over
and over
and over again
this is your prettiest
okay golden boy
i feel like an imposter in my own life
250 · Dec 2019
poetic boys
CAL Dec 2019
not soft
not nice
not copper
not gold
not too young
never too old
not fragile
not warm
just bitter
and cold
all metal
not strings
smile and kiss
drink and a sip
puff and then pass
you wont be laughing
when he cant save your ***
dried funeral flowers
and stolen ash trays
click of a lighter
thats yours anyway
clear river water
and wide empty roads
what will you do
when you become his new home
i am not as nice as i seem
CAL Sep 2
she could drag him
out of
all hell
blood red lips
sparkling hair clips
she is wonderously alive
she went to grow up
he left to die
life vs death
is an everbody fight
in a ball gown
and him in tatters
this is a plight
funeral gathers
this is living
bright and shining
and this is dying
deep sea and lightning
229 · Feb 19
CAL Feb 19
little bubbles escaping
from my voice
my breath
sound does not travel right
not here
no one is listening
barely even hearing
being dragged
i try to scream
i have been screaming
but all it does
is take away what i need
to stay alive
i try to call for help
but all it does
is keep me
211 · Sep 29
CAL Sep 29
i always say i want to scream
but i physically cannot
the way i used to try purge
or cut
but yesterday
i tried a little harder
we took a video
and made it a joke
and i let it out
i screamed
and it hurt
it ripped it's own raw portal through my throat
and i kind of felt better
screaming hurts
but maybe it's relief
210 · Dec 2019
CAL Dec 2019
cupid felt desire first
then a depair he couldnt comprehend
cupid felt a lot

nothing prepared him for either
and nothing prepared him for this

to be delicate
to want the divine
to be something to be careful with

he could be burned
he could fall
he would die
and still answer the call

new are the soft satins
and silky sheets

new are the tears
rolling down his cheek

her touch is the castle
he didnt know he bulit

the palace of the empire
that he lost in the fire

no one told him a queen would come
to heal all the wounds
he suffered from

no one gave him a warning
or gave her one either

he became a delicate god
and a strong bad wolf

she stood at her throne
and looked at him odd

her gentle boy
has come but not gone
heres a 3rd part to a series i didnt know i was writing
197 · 3d
the day
CAL 3d
i wonder what would happen
if i had the perfect day start to finish
and nothing bad happened

if i had that day
would it be the day i finally did it

if i never tripped
and my clothes fit
if i woke up on time
and my hair was perfect

if i got to feel loved
and had my favorite drinks
would that be my last day
do you think

if i had a day that couldn't be topped
would the be the end
would my heart stop?

if that day ever came
what could i do
would that day be perfect
do i need to have you

i have too may questions
i'm tired this way
but there's no need to worry
perfect isn't real anyway
193 · Mar 22
what she had
CAL Mar 22
three kids

bipolar disorder
manic depression

she left me to take care of other kids
when i was nothing more than a kid myself

she turned me into a pretty statue
sitting on a shelf

she may have gave me
the beasts that ate her up

i may never tame them
may never be enough

my mother
if you're wondering

gave me a fight
she stayed up pondering

she had stayed up all night
and ignored us all day

she did lots of bad things
her beasts never went away

she had problems
pills, drinking, rage

she gave me things i can't handle
not at this age

she had things she shouldn't have
a bad brain and shrinking body, straight edge scars

ive never really had a mom, i had to be a big brother before i could have one
but i dont have those brothers anymore either
191 · 5d
CAL 5d
sunday to sunday
paid every other wednesday
working a 32 hour week
is kind of tiring
182 · Jan 13
page 341
CAL Jan 13
All The Bright Places
i stopped to write this
i am reading the funeral of a character
a boy
i have never been able to see so much of myself
in character
in any movie or tv show
or book or poem or anything
even the things i write about myself
i still do not see as much of myself
that i could see in therodore finch
and his funeral is devestating
i stopped reading to fight an Outburst
yes, captialized
i want to scream and throw things
because there is another breech in the numb
but it is bad
it is a violent and sad breech
it is
it is a feeling, a real feeling
but it is bad
and sick
and now im writing
goodbye finch, may i see you in my mirror tonight
CAL Sep 20
i was using my knife the other day
working on some leather
it slipped
and stuck into my skin
it was easy
like blowing away a feather

i started to bleed

on washed out white skin
in that moment
i realized what made it that cut easy
was dedication

it hurts to hesitate

the difference
is dedication
177 · Jun 11
adoration of misery
CAL Jun 11
i want to write about love
but it is like dandelion puffs
tufts floating in the wind
away from me
i wish i had my own
black               hole
i am alone
with smoke
and depressants
in a daydream

i want to write about some love
that has rode the air from here
angst ridden and running

i can't sleep
because i am thinking
i am not writing
because i can't think

this is a love
of catastrophe
and teenage pain
i can write
in adoration
of misery
CAL Oct 5
i feel unsettled
knowing i was talked about
while being away
i forget that i am percieved
whle i am not there
i exist to people
in more than my physical self
and i hate that
because they know so little of me
167 · Jan 16
no time in the world
CAL Jan 16
there is no time left
for me to apologize
because i am working, moving, living
at a breakneck speed
there is no time to get sick
off of the no breakfast or energy drinks
there is only the
the voyage is in my veins
my ship is leaving
and the engine of my dad's busted up saturn ion
is revving
ready to take me somewhere
where i can be free
but i don't have the time to pack up
and leave
and not enough to take you with me
there is no time in the world for bad kids
and mania
or depression
the Numb, the Sleep
the Feeling, the Awake
take up all the time i could ever have
there is no time in this world
but i will find it in another
no rest for the wicked i suppose
CAL Dec 2019
blonde hair and glasses
clear blue eyes
baggy t-shirt
your brothers t-shirt
you are afraid of the world
dark blue zip up hoodie
and worn out shoes
you are bullied and sad
you are still so young
you are going to grow up to be someone you
he will be strong and loud
all confidence and broken concrete
and smoke and that one taste that you dont know yet
he is a wolf
and a sheep
all in one robe
ironically he wears the red cloak
little red riding hood
grows up to be the
but wolfie really is bad
you wont recognize him because he isnt like you

dear little song, you will grow
you will be more than a girl in boys clothing
the name cade comes from the word
cadence - noun
1. a modulation or inflection of the voice.
2. a sequence of notes or chords comprising the close of a musical phrase
the girl who no longer exists was
aria - noun
a long accompanied song for a solo voice, typically one in an opera or oratorio.
CAL May 22
except in pictures
ladder rung scars
blonde and black and back to
acne scars
tongue rings




nothing gold can stay
and no one bold will either
the path less taken
and help left unrecieved

never again

i didn't really ever have a mom
she didn't know me

but maybe i should've tried
or done more

a piece of rope ate my mother
like jaws of a beast

if her monsters took her
what about the monsters she gave me
how to reconnect with your estranged brothers and family: have your mother die
161 · 2d
the fight
CAL 2d
how much do i have to fight
just to make it out of here alive
why does everthing have to be a battle with you
154 · Aug 26
outside of the forest
CAL Aug 26
the fairie king
little hobgoblin
left his forest yesterday

in the light
he ate strawberries
and drove his dream down a dirtroad

he had no need for cancers
or maggots in his mind
he had nothing but a smile
he left behind time

the aroma of wheat fields
misty air and dust
he was not himself
laughing in the dusk

he found himself not a king
no pain of being man
he giggled like a boy
driving a beat up chevy van
CAL Feb 9
softened eyes lit by afternoon sky
fingertips tracing invisable lines
a memory i knew so bold
has now faded away like old
149 · Nov 2019
will you notice me?
CAL Nov 2019
will you see him on the sidewalk walking steady, fast down the block
will you fall in love with his curls from across the street
will the way he laughs catch your attention from the other side of the room
will you hear him running doen the hallway, chain and keys jingling
will you watch him dance and sing around the gypsy fire, watch him belong to the witch travellers of another time
will you notice that he never speaks without power, even a stutter like static
will the color of his eyes be embedded into your soul
will he watch his fingers dance the neck of his cello in a song you havent heard and will never hear again
will you memorize the way he falls asleep
will you be terrified the first time you watch him get angry
will you notice the way his clothes fit, or rather dont fit
will you notice the pen ink on his hands
will you count his few-and-far between freckles
will you remember everytime he looks at you
will you talk to him
will you even notice him at all
will you notice me
inspired in part by the wonderful september roses
140 · Feb 1
orange cream
CAL Feb 1
a popsicle tasting of sunsets and dreams
a million words i can never dream
to read
so many things i have only begun to say
but nothing i make matters anyway
and strawberry lemonade
not grey but also not beige
dusky sky and dawn sunrise
carmine and wine
mixed with bisque, lemon and sunshine
no disernable theme
just thought about
orange cream
i hit 5k words today
138 · Jan 17
never give your name
CAL Jan 17
golden eyes
catch my sight
on the edge of the lake
it sits in the deep heart of the wood
turning the cedar to swap and shrubbery
pale curls sit still in the wind
her tan skin a saturated rust against ash-toned trees
her presence calls to me
i hear her song over the whisper of the gusting breeze
violet robes and lilac lace
ruby rouge lips call me to her face
i wade into the water
but she retreats farther
taunting witch
with a siren's call
to the fae my soul will fall
she smiles at me
a grin too sharp
i can hear the fairie harps

what be thy name, boy?

my voice a gargle in the water
i debate the risk
i Cannot drown
my nAme is unknown
Dearest mistress
i be the quiEtest call in the forest
she pulls me from my pond side grave

i now own your name, boy

they come from the cracks in the trees
adorn me with vines
and crown my hair with flowers
gentle forget-me-nots and 5 oclock blossoms
she kisses my soft grey eyes
i wonder what changling will take my life
a disguise of old
but will that creature be so bold
ive been on a kick with the fae writes havent i
137 · Dec 2019
CAL Dec 2019
she leaves sweet honeys in my eye
her presence is delight
light in halos
miss angel of bad
lip gloss and chapstick
and she’s tall
she holds me in her arms
i know our nothings are to make up for the everythings
her mother hates me
i am easy to hate
i am her loud
i love her
she makes me think of glitter lip gloss
and softened neon
peach and apple trees
sweet juice and sugar nectar
reminds me of when i rollerskated to pop songs
i danced
she wasn’t around when i still danced
i would dance with her
i wonder why the love i have for her is still shared

stupid boy
boy who doesnt want me
boy who’s just a friend
boy who hurt my heart
stupid boy
meaningless boy

it’s okay that he is bittersweet cherry
i dont wear my cherry chapstick
it’s okay
nevaeh makes up for it all
i think i could live without him, you though, the world would falter before i gave you up
135 · Oct 5
CAL Oct 5
i was going to settle down and do my school work

but the electricity just turned off
so i guess im not doing that
133 · Jan 16
CAL Jan 16
fairy liqueor
they will steal you away from here
cyan and mint
cyanide and menthol

the fae will transport you
to the old forests
the marsh will swallow you alive
and call you deary

they like honey and molasses
so put salt and iron in your tea
dont takes the gifts of nature
or the fae will take you away from me

mushroom rings and salt circles
silver blades and playful masquerades
count the fingers of the beggar-men
lest you give your name to the fairie magician
if ye meet a man on the road, count his finger lest ya deal unknowing with a fae
131 · May 11
the kiss
CAL May 11
if an angel of death
came to us
how would we know

if he came in a swirl of light
and rain
cinnamon and juniper

how would we know he was death

if his tongue tasted like mango
and his teeth like peaches
if he was sweet

if he was an angel
or an imp
how would he kiss

if he bit with sharpened teeth
and kissed with glowing lips
how would we know this

if he kissed someone
and they started rot
would they kiss again, or not

if his love was a toxin
and this boy was me

what would i be

and who would still be brave enough to kiss me
130 · Feb 13
watermelon lollipop
CAL Feb 13
this morning is watermon

a smiling friend
and a hug

reminder of a relationship
and a cut tongue

waxy wrappers
and filmy dreams

watermelon sugar flavoring
without the seeds
jolly ranchers are better, and i owe hat secretary a lot of thanks (and maybe some money)
128 · Feb 12
articial orange
CAL Feb 12
stings and is  tangy



bite down hard


savor it
it'll make you sick

talk fast
fake conidence

smile and sit
with your aritifical orange on a stick
i grabbed a "mystery" flavor sucker, it tastes like orange disenfectant spray
125 · Feb 5
my dad
CAL Feb 5
he doesn't want me to feel bad
but as soon as he can't see me
i fall apart
his words are to teach me
and to make me see
but i can't help but to take it too personally
puffy eyes
raw skin
and sea spray tears
i love my dad
but i don't love his firstborn

i love him so much
but i can't love me
i feel like a disappointment, i feel like i dont do anything but hurt people
CAL Oct 6
i want to wear my favorite clothes
deck myself out with jewelry
the safety pins
and chains
ripped denim
all my stains
i want her to go all out
both of us dressed to the 9s
all we want
all out
and i want us to go dance at thr roller rink
(at 11 after tbe skate is over they play dance music)
and the might would be ours
and wild
and after we would drive to the jiffy trip in garber
(i just really like the drive out there)
and it would be midnight
and we could do any-every-no thing
after that
because there doesn't have to be rules
there just has to be you
119 · May 6
when i die
CAL May 6
don't cry
do not fret

i am not here
but i have not left

no grave to pray at
no prayers to be grave at

when i die
i will not be dead

i will be asleep
far away from my bed

awake forever
i will hold you at night

when i do
if i might

when i die
please don't be sad

in this world
i was only mad

i won't be gone
you will hear me in a song

when i die
don't cry for me

i will stay for you

i won't ever leave
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