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15h · 35
CAL 15h
i think
i am giving up

i am too much to hold onto
myself, i cannot handle
16h · 41
CAL 16h
i think that my pain
has overflowed into the souls of those around me
1d · 28
feel like shit
CAL 1d
i wish that everything didnt make me feel like ****
eating, not eating
thinking, dreaming
hoping or, god forbid, coping
i hate that i feel so bad that i seek physical comfort
that i depend on a work friend
to make me feel better
but somehow
my elbows on his shoulders
and my forehead touched to the back of his
feels a little less ******
than whatever else i was doing
i still can't find it in the universe
to understand quite why i am like this
but maybe
i can find ways to not feel so bad
sorry sean
1d · 26
CAL 1d
a beast deep inside me
he is full of unyielding hunger
fangs and ****** teeth
there is a beast
to tear you part
and engulf your body
named jealousy

i wonder if this sick thing
is the same to you

it is nested
asleep inside me
we are safe
for the time being

i hate that i am like this
because for you it may be nothing
but when i am jealous
i am someone else entirely
oct 9
CAL 1d
i want it to end.
i want to die.
i once heard
if you jump you will fly
CAL 2d
im waiting to be told
that i am dangerous
more than fire and windstorms
i am heat and a maelstrom at my core
why does everyone love this
why do you all come back for more
i am waiting for the end
waiting to be left
i am waiting for you all to realize how it is
my hands becoming deft
my limbs shake
the earthquakes
my blood pools and simmers
in brusing welt beneath my fingers
i am sorry mother
i am simply a sinner
boy shall not lie with boy like he does with woman
and i should not breed death with my hands
dearest gods,
i am waiting
for this cadence
to end
i think i had an actual psychotic break today, it was rough
im scared that this is only going to get worse and i am going to scare everyone away
CAL 2d
i wonder if jealousy to you
is the same as
jealousy to me
2d · 40
CAL 2d
i need to stop setting fires
and being surprised when sparks fly
even if im not the one feeling sparks
2d · 161
the fight
CAL 2d
how much do i have to fight
just to make it out of here alive
why does everthing have to be a battle with you
2d · 42
CAL 2d
i want to feel the pain of not breathing
between the dull aches
and anger seething
i'm tired of this
and what's there to miss

i could be nothing more
than a boy who gave up breathing

i already gave up trying
so with buildings and chains
already hanging by name
what would be the harm of dying
3d · 197
the day
CAL 3d
i wonder what would happen
if i had the perfect day start to finish
and nothing bad happened

if i had that day
would it be the day i finally did it

if i never tripped
and my clothes fit
if i woke up on time
and my hair was perfect

if i got to feel loved
and had my favorite drinks
would that be my last day
do you think

if i had a day that couldn't be topped
would the be the end
would my heart stop?

if that day ever came
what could i do
would that day be perfect
do i need to have you

i have too may questions
i'm tired this way
but there's no need to worry
perfect isn't real anyway
4d · 63
CAL 4d
i don't know who you think i am

or what i can give you

i am not what i seem
and do not have what you need
CAL 4d
i miss the way i used to love
the way we used to feel
there were days when
meant myself and another
but my collective self
is us now
i miss the way he used to smile
his braces
his jeans that looked wild
i miss this boy
who used to be innocent
i miss a boy
who's mind wasn't spent
i miss him
when he was gentle

i want to say
i miss myself
or that i miss love
being a real boy
but the thing i really miss
who i really miss
is the boy living in my shadow

who i really miss
is long, long gone
CAL 4d
i think i was upset about something else
i didnt care about party stuff

so good point
really, who gives a ****

i don't care about coping
or about my future

i'm done hoping
done with being safe it seems

i just want to have fun
if it's short i'll still live big

i don't know what i what
******* thought i did

it's more than the little stuff
but i'm tired of thinking about it

sorry if this kills you cade
but good luck!
little dramatic of us i suppose
4d · 38
oct 4th
CAL 4d
if i keep running
will i eventually find something

distance has never made my heart grow fonder
but i have nothing but ruins

if i keep up this way
will there be any peace

i suppose it goes
no rest for the wicked

but if i keep running
can i ever hold onto something
4d · 27
CAL 4d
who i am today
he's different than other times

this is what we are
worse than other ways
5d · 191
CAL 5d
sunday to sunday
paid every other wednesday
working a 32 hour week
is kind of tiring
7d · 28
riot mess
CAL 7d
be okay
fight them, rock a ****** nose
wild child on the run
still suffering but acting coy
this is so tiring, on my own
i can't stop
even when i try
i am so tired of being me
no time to break down and cry
being this person makes me want to hurl
i hurt too much to think
my soulmate is self sabotage
we're just a riot mess
**** this.
1:03 am
Oct 16 · 53
emotional dissonance
CAL Oct 16
i'm so sorry
i thought i knew i wanted this
but it's starting to look like
the only thing i love is my own inconsistence
there's so much more yo this but i cant keep my head straight enough to remember it
Oct 15 · 47
CAL Oct 15
the only high that i need
is lips on mine
and feeling terrible
messing around
feeling my (real) feelings leave
while smoke and caffeine put my mind in a bubble
i was sober.
CAL Oct 14
my body needs so much more
than my mind
i feel
and i didn't do anything yet
for now i just watch as my body takes
and takes
and i will suffer
because it is all for nought
and i want
Oct 14 · 36
orange shoes
CAL Oct 14
chuck taylors
too big
still with pristine laces
overbearing father
tears streaming down my face
this whole thing was a waste
and disappointment
"did you really
spend your money on those"
because until a few moments ago
made me happy
i really wanted
orange shoes
Oct 12 · 41
anxious thoughts
CAL Oct 12
scared to talk
scared to type

should i run
no, it's my life

can i say anything
do i need to wait

is this a test
everyday, a failing grade?

fear and love
pain and trust

am i worth
all this fuss?
Oct 7 · 48
artist hands
CAL Oct 7
they get *****
and calloused
having artist hands is having needles
run through your fingers
and you don't even feel them
becayse you are darning your littlest brother's favorite shoes
having artist hands is your dry skin
scratching a pretty girls soft face
artist hands will get cuts
they will bleed
artist hands can hurt people
as tools of painstaking and pain-making painters
who may or may not be toxic teenage boys
artist hands are a blessing of apollo
to create
and be merry
but they are a curse
if you wield them wrong
CAL Oct 6
i want to wear my favorite clothes
deck myself out with jewelry
the safety pins
and chains
ripped denim
all my stains
i want her to go all out
both of us dressed to the 9s
all we want
all out
and i want us to go dance at thr roller rink
(at 11 after tbe skate is over they play dance music)
and the might would be ours
and wild
and after we would drive to the jiffy trip in garber
(i just really like the drive out there)
and it would be midnight
and we could do any-every-no thing
after that
because there doesn't have to be rules
there just has to be you
Oct 6 · 37
CAL Oct 6
we can do anything
be anything
you can want
or think of
as long as i can love you
and make up for every way
that i have hurt you
im sorry for everything ive donewhile you wouldnt be wrong for it i really hope you dont resent me
CAL Oct 5
i feel unsettled
knowing i was talked about
while being away
i forget that i am percieved
whle i am not there
i exist to people
in more than my physical self
and i hate that
because they know so little of me
Oct 5 · 135
CAL Oct 5
i was going to settle down and do my school work

but the electricity just turned off
so i guess im not doing that
CAL Oct 5
dearest cadence,
i write to you again
because we could be dead
it was night
and loud
and you had me
spaced out


we were going 50 at the red light
on that highway
with a small car ahead of us
we were speeding up
towards the red light
i don't know where i went
the rearview mirror
was pitch black
i slammed on the brake
you had me going 50 at the red light
Oct 5 · 54
CAL Oct 5
control isses?
maybe so
but i am not afraid
i am confident
i can be young
and free
no one can instill fear into me
my stepmother
will not make me cower
her mom will not trap me under her tower
i am strong
i am in love
this is a beautiful, restless world
this control is not wrong
Oct 4 · 58
CAL Oct 4
i think
i'm happy with myself
(for now at least)
i feel good
than i have
i feel confident
attractive some days
i feel good
in certain ways
it's just hard to always see myself correctly
i'm back to a
"nothing is wrong, i've been overthinking it mindset"
so for now
148 is where it's at
and i'm content
i just avoid mirrors for a little after i eat
and that dysmorphic stuff
is easy to beat
i just have a naturally chubby face and that's okay
CAL Oct 3
**** rules
we are endless

no restraints
toss out the rulebooks

we are a supernova
and storms ready to strike

and tentative

we'll test the world
and and run this ****

one day
just the two of us
Oct 2 · 30
CAL Oct 2
shoes and clothes
and secondhand trinkets

crisp clean boxes
and black cased instruments

packing my belongings
to take my life from house to house
to house
to house

i have way too much stuff
one day i will start throwing it away
or maybe i will finish my notes in my books
and just leave it all behind

but today i am packing
my dad is on his way home from minnesota
Oct 2 · 74
binge eater
CAL Oct 2
stale chocolate
and marshmallow cookies

i look into the mirror
at his fat face, chubby cheeks
im sad
Oct 2 · 70
gutter girl
CAL Oct 2
(i couldn't hang)

but after running
i'm back

(here with my gutter girl)

will probably end up hanging
or heart attack


but i love you
just want to kiss you back

(you take me up and down)

i may be young and dumb
but you're smart beyond our years

(forget what they say)
(i'm going to stay)

i think this can work
can wipe away my fears

(i think it's funny how)
(i don't need nothin but my gutter girl)
gutter girl by hot flash heat wave
Oct 2 · 439
october kids
CAL Oct 2
old/new boots
still stiff on your ankles
but secondhand nonetheless

uno cards
and looming clouds of quarantine

lack of lips
and cotton candy color tip shoelaces

more cream coffee
and caramel apple lollies

we are are nothing more than youth yet

tried and trying
living and dying
loving and lying

we are nothing more than kids

fast cars
and narcotic cancers
sparking lighters
reckless dancers

we are still kids

it is time to pretend it's halloween
and we dress up
we will be ghosts,
princesses or kings

we are kids
until the spring
i don't want to grow up
not right now at least
Oct 1 · 76
another "tomorrow"
CAL Oct 1
sometimes until tomorrow
lasts an eternity

sometimes you are struck with tomorrows that never come

with dread and now uncertainty
which tomorrow will it be
Oct 1 · 270
all or nothing
CAL Oct 1
one of those things
being an all or nothing person
i have given up so many things
and taken so many more
i have so many regrets
lost so much
because of this all or nothing bs
but i don't know anything else
are we all out

or all in?
Oct 1 · 32
dead boy vs dream boy
CAL Oct 1
i thought i wanted this
to be able to feel
to be a prettty boy

being dead is easy
mind numbing
but easy

i thought i wanted everything
but this is so hard
and overwhelming
maybe we will just go blackout

who cares about dead/dream boys anyway
Oct 1 · 34
CAL Oct 1
burning under skin
until it pressureizes
bursts through
blistering everything in the way
something in the way
in pure, whole
loving is a firey pain
living in the inferno
"blackhole heart"
magma is
the expolsive
reaction from a volcano
but while it is under the earth
within the beast
magma lies and grows
and hotter
until it is
too much
far too much
i am volcanic
in this way
CAL Oct 1
october first
how can you be sad
we got better
tried for worse
you'll go work
and better yet
you'll ride the hearse!
pumpkin spice
and playing not-nice
you'll wither away
ate by mice
you'll die in days
skin like ice!
wind chills deep
and blood red sun
the sky will sink
your veins will run
spill over the brink
and then you're done!
the days of fall
sweet and cold
the bitter brawl
ages old
how could we be dull
in these first days of october?
Oct 1 · 111
CAL Oct 1
i've had a pale yellow sticky note
for months
stuck to the inside of my journal
it says loved
and i kept it in secret
hiding in plain sight
when i put everything else away

it was so small and so specific
easy to keep
to think about
to want
easy to love
i think im just scared again
because im all "forbidden" and what not
but that doesnt negate feelings does it
Oct 1 · 61
CAL Oct 1
drainage leaks
and rooftop peaks
he is poison
will make you weak

sick and mild
angry and wild
it will be painful
we are not yet more than child

arsenic in bottle
gauge up the throttle
could we ever want this?
loving, toxic coddle
i can't stop thinking about how right i'm sure they are
i'm sorry
Oct 1 · 55
CAL Oct 1
"ohh stupid people.. which are me"
and still stupid
a little king
watching a princess escape a glass tower
little boys are stupid
and will die wearing rings
Sep 30 · 54
main characters
CAL Sep 30
nothing else could ever need to exist
if that was the world
im sorry
i love you
Sep 30 · 48
body image problem
CAL Sep 30
i feel so sick
i ate until i got sick
and not eating made me sick
i want to throw up
because i am in actual pain
stupid body image
and control
and death
and all the pain
but **** it
i'll fix it another day
ate too much at lunch
Sep 30 · 66
CAL Sep 30
the only drug that numbed you
was him

and i don't need that anymore
CAL Sep 30
teenagers smoke cigarettes to be cool
and when i didn't care about being cool i stopped
but sh*t happens
my mom took a turn
fast and downhill
found herself at the end of a rope
and i realized
i would end up the exact same way
she made it so long
she was almost 36
and still couldn't make it
there's no way i'll make it either
so i started smoking again, right?
and decided i didn't need anyone
but i wanted to control my destruction
so i did that, right?

i'm scared

let's say i make it even as long as her
i have 20 years
(max proabably)
two of those would have to be in secret
maybe i've gone through a lot in the past few months
maybe you got better
maybe you didn't

i don't have enough time on my ticker
to be forever
that's my fear
two years in hiding would be hard
(what if i don't last that long)

i think
i'm not brave enough
to take what i want

when i everything i don't is right there for me
if you read this, does it make sense?? maybe this is worth actually talking abut in person but i feel like there isn't time
Sep 30 · 42
better september
CAL Sep 30
blurred lines of lights
boosted through my spine
kiss of miss mary
cool  early autumn night
burn of herbs in a
i wouldn't be like this
(it's bad)
but she showed up
and i was angry
but now i can feel better
CAL Sep 29
i almost kissed her
not because i wanted to
or want to
it seemed like it would've been the right thing to do
i called her pretty
because i want my friends to love themselves
not because i want her to like me
i am helping her live a teenage dream
because she happens to be in my life
it's my dream i'm trying to live
but i keep coming so close to following a script
i am that mean teen dreamy king
i made it my role
but i don't want to be everyone's heartthrob
when i had better things
i didn't have to be like this
i just

i almost let it happen
because i feel like i have to
if it happens the not-me will come back again
i want you anyway
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