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CAL 4m
this isn't endless
the end is close
i can taste blood already
under my fingernails
and gushing over my tongue
my hair is falling out
and i am falling apart
i'm on my way
half way out the door
few steps away
about to run
about to jump
so close
yet soon seems so far away
1h · 18
cold as ice
CAL 1h
skin cold
veins empty

october icey
streets get dicey

if he was driving
faster than lighting

flipped the top
couldn't stop

snap the brake
everything breaks

plastic crumples
windows shatter

in the winter
metal splintered

i will be in the drive
body cold as ice
CAL 1h
of course you don't feel bad
why would you
you haven't felt bad for anything else
this night before the eve
i hope you think about the pain shrieking through my mind
and how empty i have become over these weeks
think about the body you wanted
and the mind you never even knew
this night before the eve
i hope this body withers
and falls down dead
so you can still feel good
and i do not have to keep feeling bad anymore
CAL 2h
i can't handle existing
and all this **** isn't working

it's the same whiny story
but i can't make it go away

sometimes i'm not sure
that i can wake up another day

i know i am without a cage
but i am trapped in my own mind

i am stuck
i want to be free and leave this all behind

i could have everything
if we could just work

but me and my inner monologue
don't get along

don't get me wrong
i don't know who i am without being sick

but i wish me and that person could meet
real quick

i can't make it like this
and the emptiness and bliss

seem more enticing
why am i like this

why can't it slow down
maybe i just need to

and half of you never even ******* notice
CAL 10h
i know that there is

but i can't escape the feeling that there is nothing in this life for me
19h · 20
leftover kisses
CAL 19h
i hope you think about every set of lips you have kissed
that have touched mine
and that yours never will
1d · 16
CAL 1d
i am sliding
this rope
it is slick with my blood
and my palms are raw
i am trying to hold on
i am afraid of being alone
of hospitials
or what i have to do to get there
because no one is paying attention to what really matters
what would i have to do to get the attention i need
because i am not
and no where near
starving myself
but dad i have a 2 by 2 inch bruise on my hand
that you havent noticed in a week
i am spiraling
slipping down the rope holding me up
i am weak
my body covered in wounds and blood
but this struggle stil isn't enough

this all hurts
below, the abyss churns
what if i just let go
soothe the ropeburns
1d · 14
CAL 1d
the crazed compulsion or obsession to steal
i struggle often
because i do not want things
i need them
i need to TAKE them
why can i not wear comfortable clothes
i do not want to be watched in a store
where i will pay for things
with money i work for
it does not matter that outside it is
20 degrees
i will walk around in
short sleeves
to prove that i am winning
in a struggle
that is a ******* joke
to so many people
love inheriting poor coping and terrible habits from my ill and now deceased mother
3d · 34
i don't know how
CAL 3d
i still don't remember how to love
this is a helpful realization

i know how to kiss
how to like
i remember how to have a crush
like riding a bike

but how to love has not come back to me
i lost that in the summer
it washed away at the beach
love, in my memory
not right now
but i am not capable right now
4d · 48
CAL 4d
i don't know if everything is good
or if it's bad

if this is what i have
or what i've had
4d · 25
CAL 4d
how do you love someone you hardly know
how is it all about you
you would cry and leave when it started to snow
how can you say so much to someone you don't even know
4d · 28
grey world
CAL 4d
the heater rumbles on
i am at my english table

i miss something

not sure who or what
not sure why i am here

today is a quiet day
where people are missing

the earth is grey and icy
i am cold without someone beside me

today is day
that should be him and i vs everything

or back to me and korei against the world
but people are missing

and it is cold radio static
it is all grey

we have gone away
CAL 4d
somehow the opening buzz
mixed with blanket fuzz
the paranoia kicks in
and i could tear off my skin
i remember bedbugs
and midnight fights
when i had no bed or bedroom
and slept with the kitchen lights

in 2 minutes the song moves past
but i will still probably have to wash my sheets tomorrow

clean myself of those memories
once again
CAL 5d
dear madelyn
i am so close to snapping on your family
what if something happens to him
and frankie throwing her little fit
i will not hesitate, i can be the first to hit
we were friends
but he is more than you are
or ever were
no other boy can take his place
in your ****** car
if you broke my best friend
i don't care about consequences
you will meet a bad, bad end
7d · 62
CAL 7d
i think
i am giving up

i am too much to hold onto
myself, i cannot handle
7d · 53
CAL 7d
i think that my pain
has overflowed into the souls of those around me
7d · 39
feel like shit
CAL 7d
i wish that everything didnt make me feel like ****
eating, not eating
thinking, dreaming
hoping or, god forbid, coping
i hate that i feel so bad that i seek physical comfort
that i depend on a work friend
to make me feel better
but somehow
my elbows on his shoulders
and my forehead touched to the back of his
feels a little less ******
than whatever else i was doing
i still can't find it in the universe
to understand quite why i am like this
but maybe
i can find ways to not feel so bad
sorry sean
7d · 32
CAL 7d
a beast deep inside me
he is full of unyielding hunger
fangs and ****** teeth
there is a beast
to tear you part
and engulf your body
named jealousy

i wonder if this sick thing
is the same to you

it is nested
asleep inside me
we are safe
for the time being

i hate that i am like this
because for you it may be nothing
but when i am jealous
i am someone else entirely
oct 9
CAL 7d
i want it to end.
i want to die.
i once heard
if you jump you will fly
Oct 22 · 52
waiting for an end
CAL Oct 22
im waiting to be told
that i am dangerous
more than fire and windstorms
i am heat and a maelstrom at my core
why does everyone love this
why do you all come back for more
i am waiting for the end
waiting to be left
i am waiting for you all to realize how it is
my hands becoming deft
my limbs shake
the earthquakes
my blood pools and simmers
in brusing welt beneath my fingers
i am sorry mother
i am simply a sinner
boy shall not lie with boy like he does with woman
and i should not breed death with my hands
dearest gods,
i am waiting
for this cadence
to end
i think i had an actual psychotic break today, it was rough
im scared that this is only going to get worse and i am going to scare everyone away
Oct 21 · 56
dead boy vs jealousy
CAL Oct 21
i wonder if jealousy to you
is the same as
jealousy to me
Oct 21 · 42
CAL Oct 21
i need to stop setting fires
and being surprised when sparks fly
even if im not the one feeling sparks
Oct 21 · 177
the fight
CAL Oct 21
how much do i have to fight
just to make it out of here alive
why does everthing have to be a battle with you
Oct 21 · 44
CAL Oct 21
i want to feel the pain of not breathing
between the dull aches
and anger seething
i'm tired of this
and what's there to miss

i could be nothing more
than a boy who gave up breathing

i already gave up trying
so with buildings and chains
already hanging by name
what would be the harm of dying
Oct 20 · 206
the day
CAL Oct 20
i wonder what would happen
if i had the perfect day start to finish
and nothing bad happened

if i had that day
would it be the day i finally did it

if i never tripped
and my clothes fit
if i woke up on time
and my hair was perfect

if i got to feel loved
and had my favorite drinks
would that be my last day
do you think

if i had a day that couldn't be topped
would the be the end
would my heart stop?

if that day ever came
what could i do
would that day be perfect
do i need to have you

i have too may questions
i'm tired this way
but there's no need to worry
perfect isn't real anyway
Oct 19 · 65
CAL Oct 19
i don't know who you think i am

or what i can give you

i am not what i seem
and do not have what you need
Oct 19 · 50
who i really miss
CAL Oct 19
i miss the way i used to love
the way we used to feel
there were days when
meant myself and another
but my collective self
is us now
i miss the way he used to smile
his braces
his jeans that looked wild
i miss this boy
who used to be innocent
i miss a boy
who's mind wasn't spent
i miss him
when he was gentle

i want to say
i miss myself
or that i miss love
being a real boy
but the thing i really miss
who i really miss
is the boy living in my shadow

who i really miss
is long, long gone
Oct 19 · 28
mirror talking/relax
CAL Oct 19
i think i was upset about something else
i didnt care about party stuff

so good point
really, who gives a ****

i don't care about coping
or about my future

i'm done hoping
done with being safe it seems

i just want to have fun
if it's short i'll still live big

i don't know what i what
******* thought i did

it's more than the little stuff
but i'm tired of thinking about it

sorry if this kills you cade
but good luck!
little dramatic of us i suppose
Oct 19 · 39
oct 4th
CAL Oct 19
if i keep running
will i eventually find something

distance has never made my heart grow fonder
but i have nothing but ruins

if i keep up this way
will there be any peace

i suppose it goes
no rest for the wicked

but if i keep running
can i ever hold onto something
Oct 19 · 28
CAL Oct 19
who i am today
he's different than other times

this is what we are
worse than other ways
Oct 18 · 201
CAL Oct 18
sunday to sunday
paid every other wednesday
working a 32 hour week
is kind of tiring
Oct 17 · 29
riot mess
CAL Oct 17
be okay
fight them, rock a ****** nose
wild child on the run
still suffering but acting coy
this is so tiring, on my own
i can't stop
even when i try
i am so tired of being me
no time to break down and cry
being this person makes me want to hurl
i hurt too much to think
my soulmate is self sabotage
we're just a riot mess
**** this.
1:03 am
Oct 16 · 68
emotional dissonance
CAL Oct 16
i'm so sorry
i thought i knew i wanted this
but it's starting to look like
the only thing i love is my own inconsistence
there's so much more yo this but i cant keep my head straight enough to remember it
Oct 15 · 55
CAL Oct 15
the only high that i need
is lips on mine
and feeling terrible
messing around
feeling my (real) feelings leave
while smoke and caffeine put my mind in a bubble
i was sober.
CAL Oct 14
my body needs so much more
than my mind
i feel
and i didn't do anything yet
for now i just watch as my body takes
and takes
and i will suffer
because it is all for nought
and i want
Oct 14 · 37
orange shoes
CAL Oct 14
chuck taylors
too big
still with pristine laces
overbearing father
tears streaming down my face
this whole thing was a waste
and disappointment
"did you really
spend your money on those"
because until a few moments ago
made me happy
i really wanted
orange shoes
Oct 12 · 42
anxious thoughts
CAL Oct 12
scared to talk
scared to type

should i run
no, it's my life

can i say anything
do i need to wait

is this a test
everyday, a failing grade?

fear and love
pain and trust

am i worth
all this fuss?
Oct 7 · 49
artist hands
CAL Oct 7
they get *****
and calloused
having artist hands is having needles
run through your fingers
and you don't even feel them
becayse you are darning your littlest brother's favorite shoes
having artist hands is your dry skin
scratching a pretty girls soft face
artist hands will get cuts
they will bleed
artist hands can hurt people
as tools of painstaking and pain-making painters
who may or may not be toxic teenage boys
artist hands are a blessing of apollo
to create
and be merry
but they are a curse
if you wield them wrong
CAL Oct 6
i want to wear my favorite clothes
deck myself out with jewelry
the safety pins
and chains
ripped denim
all my stains
i want her to go all out
both of us dressed to the 9s
all we want
all out
and i want us to go dance at thr roller rink
(at 11 after tbe skate is over they play dance music)
and the might would be ours
and wild
and after we would drive to the jiffy trip in garber
(i just really like the drive out there)
and it would be midnight
and we could do any-every-no thing
after that
because there doesn't have to be rules
there just has to be you
Oct 6 · 38
CAL Oct 6
we can do anything
be anything
you can want
or think of
as long as i can love you
and make up for every way
that i have hurt you
im sorry for everything ive donewhile you wouldnt be wrong for it i really hope you dont resent me
CAL Oct 5
i feel unsettled
knowing i was talked about
while being away
i forget that i am percieved
whle i am not there
i exist to people
in more than my physical self
and i hate that
because they know so little of me
Oct 5 · 142
CAL Oct 5
i was going to settle down and do my school work

but the electricity just turned off
so i guess im not doing that
CAL Oct 5
dearest cadence,
i write to you again
because we could be dead
it was night
and loud
and you had me
spaced out


we were going 50 at the red light
on that highway
with a small car ahead of us
we were speeding up
towards the red light
i don't know where i went
the rearview mirror
was pitch black
i slammed on the brake
you had me going 50 at the red light
Oct 5 · 56
CAL Oct 5
control isses?
maybe so
but i am not afraid
i am confident
i can be young
and free
no one can instill fear into me
my stepmother
will not make me cower
her mom will not trap me under her tower
i am strong
i am in love
this is a beautiful, restless world
this control is not wrong
Oct 4 · 59
CAL Oct 4
i think
i'm happy with myself
(for now at least)
i feel good
than i have
i feel confident
attractive some days
i feel good
in certain ways
it's just hard to always see myself correctly
i'm back to a
"nothing is wrong, i've been overthinking it mindset"
so for now
148 is where it's at
and i'm content
i just avoid mirrors for a little after i eat
and that dysmorphic stuff
is easy to beat
i just have a naturally chubby face and that's okay
CAL Oct 3
**** rules
we are endless

no restraints
toss out the rulebooks

we are a supernova
and storms ready to strike

and tentative

we'll test the world
and and run this ****

one day
just the two of us
Oct 2 · 31
CAL Oct 2
shoes and clothes
and secondhand trinkets

crisp clean boxes
and black cased instruments

packing my belongings
to take my life from house to house
to house
to house

i have way too much stuff
one day i will start throwing it away
or maybe i will finish my notes in my books
and just leave it all behind

but today i am packing
my dad is on his way home from minnesota
Oct 2 · 76
binge eater
CAL Oct 2
stale chocolate
and marshmallow cookies

i look into the mirror
at his fat face, chubby cheeks
im sad
Oct 2 · 72
gutter girl
CAL Oct 2
(i couldn't hang)

but after running
i'm back

(here with my gutter girl)

will probably end up hanging
or heart attack


but i love you
just want to kiss you back

(you take me up and down)

i may be young and dumb
but you're smart beyond our years

(forget what they say)
(i'm going to stay)

i think this can work
can wipe away my fears

(i think it's funny how)
(i don't need nothin but my gutter girl)
gutter girl by hot flash heat wave
Oct 2 · 498
october kids
CAL Oct 2
old/new boots
still stiff on your ankles
but secondhand nonetheless

uno cards
and looming clouds of quarantine

lack of lips
and cotton candy color tip shoelaces

more cream coffee
and caramel apple lollies

we are are nothing more than youth yet

tried and trying
living and dying
loving and lying

we are nothing more than kids

fast cars
and narcotic cancers
sparking lighters
reckless dancers

we are still kids

it is time to pretend it's halloween
and we dress up
we will be ghosts,
princesses or kings

we are kids
until the spring
i don't want to grow up
not right now at least
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