The one that got away

Frustrated and aggravated are the words I  used today.

Because this season I met

Ms. The one that got away!

With family's merging, this was to be a soiree

  In walks my husbands family  and

Ms. The one that got away!

This is why you should RSVP !

So you will know who is coming!

So, You will know who it will be!

My husbands mother looked at me and smiled,

she said Eva was here for a  conference
and she would be  in town for awhile.

She explained  that her and Gabe were old friends and that

they had dated each other since they were 10.

An she wasn't sure why Eva didn't close the deal .

The audacity of his mother bringing that up made me feel quite ill.

My brother smacked me ******* the shoulder
and  said " ooh he has a type "

Then Everyone looked at her,  than at me,

then my husband guided me up the stairs  quickly,
obviously I was not happy

We have the same color hair, the same type of build,  same eye color,  it was getting quit weird.

As I came back down I stop in my tracks
to observe them together just to see how he acts.

How he melted in a puddle evertime she said whatever

my little girl ran up to her, thinking it was  me .

Her dad picked her up and placed her on his knee

when I over heard Eva make such a remark

this is what our future would have been like such a lively spark.

just then I tripped over my dress
I fell down the stairs

I fell really hard and bumped my big head

my husband looked embearessed,  he turned and looked away.
with tears welling up in my eyes,

my husband asked if I was ok



I over heard the conversation between you and ms. the one that got away

he kissed my tears and he whispered

please hear what I say

inspite of your clumsiness I just couldn't walk away

I would have been a fool to let you be

  the one that got away.
So I looked pass him and I  stuck out my tongue at you know who right away

and I'll have to worry about my mother in law clenching

her pearls some other day

When the lie becomes the truth

When the lie becomes the truth,

in that moment are you living your true
authentic you.

In that moment you empowered  yourself

to reach and dream the impossible.

  You conquer mountain's, and you tamed lions,

you walked slowly barefooted on the scorched earth.

Let me atest,  that person is actually you !

it's just the you that you never knew...

When you can't escape the silence of your mind!

You turn to the robots  

to fix the sublime !

One key will fit all

that's what they say.

They pat you on the back

and say, it will be ok.

Am I there worst nightmare?

Someone they can not fix?

So I reach deep

Deep down

in my bag of tricks.

Im a different kind

I see through bulls#$t

walls of oppression,

the counterfeit  Society,

the feeling of suffocation.

Who am I ?

I am A  woman !

Sick of chasing the American dream !

lord knows I tried,

but robots lie.

The American dream is a dream

  but it's a nightmare.

A nightmare in disguise.

They say that they See you

But in reality, they don't know what the f* to do with you!

They say "bear your soul"  

we will always be there.  

But in reality no one gives a f*

or really  cares !

You scream out loud to get some type of reaction.

Yet they mute your voice and give you a distraction .

We are the NOW generation!

We have been groomed to take over

and question damnation.

No longer will we accept the cookie cutter path.

No longer will we accept  the things that are placed in our path.

We will raise our voice !

We will hold up our hands !

We will make a difference!

If you can't stand then lean on me.

I'll be your rock I'll be your sanity.

If you can't be in the light I'll sit with you in the dark.

Together we are one we will share the same vein.

We will change this world I promise you it will never be the same.

I was enough till it wasn't !

there's no such thing as a uninjured soldier

We all come back with some type of scar

Whether it's physical are mental

it's not always so obvious to see right where they are

our job is not for the faint-hearted

there were decisions that were made

some stories would never be shared

just know that history was changed

while fancy speeches are given and politeness is practice

those who are in power look to us to have an eye on the factions

those who operate in the Shadows are always aware

that there are only a few

that standing inbetween success and

failure knowing the odds and still

choosing to be there

What If everything was obtainable

will that sharpen my focus

on what's worth grabbing

our would it dull my senses so

I'm  lullbyed
  
Into  mediocrity

What has history taught

If everything is obtainable

Will it lose its savor and  luster

I needed to explore the core of me

then and only then will the truth come out

I was the girl  in the mirror

the one they whispered about

I knelt beside the pools of selfishness and pain

disappointments resentment
anger

the view was all the same

pictures of my life

that played over and over again

Draining my river of happiness the steam is growing thin

I know what I have to do is to go  further down

I have learned I can't love you if I don't love myself

or else we will both drown.

the absence of life is felt
all around

the absence of the life she knew

fell like sand  being poured out of the ground

will she wake up from her slumber

will she ever look around

will He revive those dry bones

when His voice calls

will she hear the sound

As I climbed it got darker and

darker and I was afraid

As I  climbed it got darker and
darker

I wanted to turn back
around again

As I climbed the space narrowed

I had to take off things that were carried on my back

As I climbed I blindly trusted

As I climbed believing and not believing searching for a sign

As I climbed seeking the Light, the Truth and balance

As I climb

When I was a child the Lord
spoke to me

He said, he would bless me to find you

then he'd will bless me to find me

Growing up I knew my destiny

that he had that special someone out there preserved

waiting just for me

everything that I went through was meant to be

Every step it lead too, what  is now  my family

Looking into you eyes

I know that it was meant to be

not only when I found you

also God used you to heal me

See me, not the car I
drive

See me, not the purse that's attached to my wrist

See me, not my shoes

See me, not how I choose to were my hair

See me, and not my shape

See me, and not my ****** orientation

See me, not my color

See me, and please stop judging

see me, and listen to me

See me, and love me

Take away the job, all the bells, and whistles, and accolades

An see me

Because if you don't you may be disappointed

See me

There's no easy way to do this

Which method should I choose

How do you tell a really good guy

  Were done I'm mean were through

We are not compatible

is all I have to say

After dating for a year

I thought it would be best to end

it this way

He looked at me and smiled

He said he knew for awhile

But he loved the chase

Were compatible in bed and that's all he had said

I closed my eyes real tight

as chills ran down my spine

  he got up to take his leave

As he walked out the door

he stopped quickly to settle
the one last score

with a subtle smile he said

it's not you but me

And for some odd reason that

caused so much intrigue

  will I see you tomorrow I said with a grin

Yes he answered quickly, look

for me around ten

Have you ever asked a masked man

who he is

  or what does he stand for

 in an attempt to satisfy

my thirst for knowledge

I looked in the mirror

Standing in the crowd

yet I feel all alone

questioning the motives

of everyone that comes

No real since of family because

they were not there

me is all I got

The family is dysfunctional 

and that's saying a lot

Growing up,

I was the only one to govern

what was right and what was

wrong
I never thought twice about

killing someone

not physically of course but was

my words unbound

I never wished to be this person

I have got to calm down

How can you tell a         burdened heart no?

How can you you tell someone you

love to let go?

How can you deny a person

that part of you that they long for ?

How can you not be viewed as a

monster ! When he won't let go!

     How can I spend so may days of

my life

trying to fix that which was broken

For every tear that fell, it was full of

sorrow

and the sobs were just a token

Allow me to hold out my hand to cup

your face

Allow me to wipe your tears with my hair

Allow me to kiss your cheek and hold

you close

so I can remember some semblance

of love there

You asked me if I even feel

Behind those cold calculating eyes

you had the right to accuse me

of being cold as steel

I can not love you the way you need me too

That's why I'm letting go

to hold you captive in this relationship

I can not endure  that no more    
 
Am I strong enough to accept the blame

of us not working out

am I strong enough to face you

without displaying doubt

Everything that we work so hard for

is now in the Wind 

I never was who you thought I was

your homie your lover or friend.

My demons are my demons

the one thing that I grapple with

are the disingenuous status of

my relationships

I never  did understand why

people just could not get over

the things

that hunt from the past

the nightmares the whining and

crying that just last and last.

Until one day the

pain crept  in

and seized my mind

I thought the pain would never end.

Thoughts of a child crying in the rain.

Waiting for her mom to come

back but she was not heard of again

the abandonment that I felt

the pains of hunger when there's nothing on the shelf

how I was passed from hand to hand

the mistake that my mom made

was in God's hand

each night I prayed

that the generations after

will never know the pain

That makes me numb

and temping to drive me insane

Writing is cathartic for there I

speak the truth

Awake and alarmed with my
passions and my youth

stories so vividly told

here and only here will I ever be so bold

The balm has worked

I will put the lid back on the jar

Remembering the pain but, now it's just a scar....

They say,  when the wicked rule the earth will mourn

I heard that a time or two

They put you in charge of watching me
But who is watching you

Like a judge, the fate of so many waits in your hands

The utensil in your arsenal are daggers to those around

Poisonous arrows in the body's that are found
    
Mercenaries with degrees.
Your spilling the beans

Friends secrets are the next  prostitution ring

Bankrupt in morals your cruelty never ends

Cold and calculating  to gain the upper hand

Do you expect us to treat you like Caesar

Because you wiled the power

Treat you with false respect , throw you lot's of flowers

I will say this again with no respect due

They put you in charge of watching me
But who is watching you

A picture unfolds with a child running around the table

The light from the window hits her just right

You can see the sparkle in her eyes and the natural highlights

Proud looks come from granny and mom

as her grandpa picks her up, and carries her in his arms

Granny says

I was  always under the impression
when I was young , that if I didn't do it

It would not have been done

If someone did it better, look out because here  I come

Now your dad on the other hand Was all about the chill

Nonchalant even balance he never expresses much fear

Quiet strength which I grew to depend on so much

He will always reign me in, when I get out of touch

I always thought you were more like me

But now that your a mom, your more like your dad definitely

The daughter sighed with relief and with a turned up smile

She said good because  my three other siblings
convinced me
that I was the milk man's child

Like a dull knife that cuts into the flash, is the rejection that I face.

The despite wanting of love, is a dream that's constantly being erased.

I sit on the ground and cry because  I will never be loved in your eyes. 

I'm tired of trying to prove myself worthy.

It's time to say goodbye.

I don't deserve your grace!
I don't deserve your Mercy.

I'm the lowest of the low,
I know that I am  just not worth it !

There is a special place for me !
I'm bound and determined to hit .

A place of loneliness, and sorrow, that deep dark pit.
I used to think everyone was crazy be me .
Now things lately!   have me questioning my own sanity.
I use to be the victim !

I use to be the innocent child.
But now I've done so much wrong !

I could not claim denial .
Shall I confess my wrongs and ruin my life ?

Shall I stay strong and lie , and fight!  fight ! fight ?
There's no peace at either one of those bends.

I'm destin to be alone!
I'll crawl back in the pit again!

I try to imagine your reaction as you tuck my hair behind my ear.

I tried imagining what it would be like when you tried to calm all my fears.

I tried to imagine the hurt, the pain, the self-doubt, and shame that you went through.

Why would you walk away from someone, who  would love you the most?

Who doesn't really know you, I just known I was born.

A Picture is all I have of who you used to be.

Thank you for your sacrifice!

An giving me to a good family!

It was the perfect storm

It was thundering and lightning that night when you left .

I was sitting at are bay window watching your back grow smaller and smaller.

It was that night that I first felt depressed.

Asking myself when will you come back ?

When will you realize that you love me enough to come back and save me!

Come back and say you're sorry but it never happened .

It was the perfect storm and the thunder kept clapping.

I finally got my ring !

I finally got my man !

I finally got what I thought was the perfect wedding band !

It was game night and my family was over.
He surprised me, by coming over .

Only one hand was visible .
The other was behind his back , and he quickly pulled out a box with a ring attached.

I snatched that ring!

I hugged him tight !

I put the ring on to make sure it fit just right !

Without a word I ran to the den.

I was so proud !

I was going to show all my kin .

He tried to stop me, he said hey! Let's not do this right now!
You silly goose ! I love to show it off !
Because I was extremely proud.

I walked through the door practically squealing like a pig, shocking anyone around.

Boy my ring  is beautiful!

Ma, pa, aunties, and uncles, gave that boy a hand.

He started to turn pale, and I didn't understand.
Caught up in the moment,
I didn't catch the signs.

Looking back in retrospect ,
I should have been kicked in the behind.

When we finally got a moment alone,
he picked up my hand softly and gently he turned it over quickly.

He pointed out that there was an adjustable band,  and how the silver was starting to fade.
It was a ring that he got out of a bubble gum machine, for fifty cents his ma and sister got the same.

He said he didn't mean to hurt me .

He said, I shouldn't have shown my folks .

He thought it would be funny, to pull such a joke.

That night there were no carrots , that night there was no salad .

I had a large 44oz cup of something and a large Philly cheese steak sandwich. Lol

I wake up before dawn to put my makeup on. Comb all the knots out of my hair, place it in a  perfect bun. Breakfast will be waiting with oj. I'm invision  that engagement ring anyday. When we go to the hardware store ,I'm in heels . When I tell my friend's they ask me, are you for real! Dress to the nine, when were at the grocery store,my clothes are so tight, please don't let this be sample night. I don't have room to spare. If I do get my man , it will be a year before I show my real hand. Lol

Im lost in the waves of your eyes. The world is stilled by my beating heart. Joy shoots up my spine as our fingers that touched came apart.You place your hand on the small of my back, to gently guide me in. Thank you for making sure I'm safe my homie, my lover, my friend.

When I walk into a house of mirrors.  I see the root my very soul. Complex and diversified  more than anyone will ever know. Fragmented pieces of my existence that has been worn down by the river of life,that I've tried to glue back together this is my plight. I've exhausted myself trying to fight, and fixing, myself at every decision made. The goal of happiness seems to be slipping away. Worry comes and chokes the goals that I have set before me.There's an coldness there .lts me...

My heart hurts so bad because you chose not to love me. My heart breaks because you chose not to keep my company. Stranger's in the same house you would never know were kin. What ever I did to hurt you, I never knew I did.

They say is not the dead but the living that you should worry about. They say that ghosts don't exist but I challenge that notion what makes you you are ghost that haunt
from the past. Every decision wells up in you is linked to something you went through, that will challenge your thinking and your thought process. Whether or strong or weak .Joyful  or sweet  introverted or extroverted it's all because of ghost that haunt from our past.

I set our world on fire with my tongue. The rage that is boiling inside of me has just begun . Which one of us, do you think will make it out  a live.  My plan is to make you suffer, to make sure your cut so deeply inside.  To cut you so bad, no one can revive the you the man use to be. I will laugh because, its all due to me.  If another woman tries to undo what I have done. I've placed land mines in your psyche,wainting to activate. I want you to feel my hate. My choice of weapon is my tongue.

I'm over it ! You say every day. I had enough !. Things just have to go my way. So your tired of smiling, and pretending, you feel like a *** for grinning. Mundane as it may seem ,this is the only path you see . So you may be over it , but this is how it must be.

The Same Thing

The same thing you love about me is the same thing you hate , while I was busy playing Don Juan , you had no choice but to move on. The same thing you love about me is the same thing you hate.