I remember a moment in time where I felt

And so deeply, so horrifyingly deep like the vastness of space

That you were the solution to my existential problem of my existence in a world I didn’t particularly want to be a part of

Remembering the way you made me feel  

That after a life of wondering  

I had found a place to call home

It wasn’t the four walls, the driveway or the yard

No, I found my home at 3:30 in the morning stumbling over you in the dark

Opening the bedroom door to the hallway slowly

As to not wake you up as the light shined off your face

And I could see, for the first time

While I stood there staring at you, sleeping

Tucked into my bed wrapped in fuzzy blankets from your youth

It was probably only a second but to me it felt like an eternity

I could only find the ability to deeply exhale in a moment of pure bliss

Watching you crinkle your face slightly as the light hit you.

You didn’t stir

But something in me did

Something inside me awoke for the first time since the last time years ago

When I had you in my bed, doing the same thing I was then.

I don’t know what I thought I'd feel

I think part of me hoped nothing would have changed

That the love I had for you stood stronger than the test of time

That all that time I spent talking to you in my mirror

Would be worth it, and I wouldn’t have been crazy

It’s funny

Funny the way life works out

Because now

When I wake up, I find myself reaching out

To nothing

There’s always a moment, even if just a second

Where I think, maybe I'll wake up from this and you’ll be there

You tend to come in and out of my life

But when you come back

You seem to be the alarm clock that breaks the silence of my mind

And bring me back to the real world

But I’m starting to believe

That maybe I’ve always been awake

You are only a dream.

life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he drained his glass of purpose
she watched as he paid and turned to leave
his movements proving his point
for what real purpose do we have
when all we do is live and die
and whisper to deities in the sky.

life is a cosmic joke
she said
when the till was short again
and drinks were missing from their bottles
as meaning was from her existence
he watched as she left
for the very last time
from a job that she hated
like the life he despised

life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he lit up his last cigarette
and sat in the cold outside his bar
next to a homeless man
with as little hope of a good long life
as anyone else he'd ever met
in a world of perpetual sunset

life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he warmed his hands
over a dying fire
with a young man
who was lost or some such
he took the ragged gloves off his hands
and tried to feel his fingers again
in vain
as all the world is
in trying to find some hidden bliss

life is a cosmic joke
he said
as he crossed another identical street
next to a woman or maybe a girl
who was crying about a lost lover
he walked and he wandered
but he never found it
even with all his persistence
as we never find meaning for our existence

life is a cosmic joke
she said
as she wept into my hair
mascara running down her cheeks
as she told of her terrible break up
and the way he used to hit her  
and how she was glad he was gone
but how she wished he would come back
her indecision mirroring that of all the world
do we matter or are we matter
which illusion is left to shatter

life is a cosmic joke
I wrote
over and over
like some meaningful quote
as if it mattered if it was in a poem
or if someone read it
it doesn't need to be said
to be known
it stands on its own

life is a cosmic joke

Wind makes us sway
like dancing trees in the rain
washing away the pain of tomorrow and yesterday
dreams of bigger and better on the horizon
But falling farther and farther from reason
Questions as i see your phantom pass me'
yet you are alive, and you here with me just a fantasy
where has the time gone?
Long passed the time where you thought of me
for now i am nothing
Just a distant memory

A tap tap tap on my window
Startles me from my deep sleep
But as I look out silence only follows
I move slowly through the still night air
Wondering, pondering, "who is there?"
My mind it starts to reel,
The tension you can surely feel
But nothing
Not a sound not a noise
Not a step, not a voice
I lay myself back to sleep
Look to the pillow beside me
Empty, so empty like the room I see
A tap tap tap at my window
And now I start to see
Its only the windy night and dead trees
That wants to say hello to me

I found comfort in your presense
I found purpose in your eyes
I found a place to rest my head
until the sun would rise
I found a place I could call home
I found a place I'd never known
I found a place I now could hold
I found a burst, a flare,  nothing no words to compare
I found my happiness in your expressions
your small quirks the left me breathless
I found you but at the wrong time

Did you know
That life would end like this?
Did you know
You were killing yourself ever so slowly?
Did you know
We all knew your pain you couldn't even see?
Did you know
in the last moments of silence
the pain you'd leave
Did you know
you where going to die that night, as you slowly lost control
Did you ever see
your choices weren't killing just you, but also me?
Did you know,
you where a brother to me?
Did you know
as we lowered you into the ground that that night was the last you'd see?