yeah I’m panicked
but who isn’t?
and aren’t we all
just observers and
dont we all
try to reach full
true emotion and
fail as the world failed us?
isn’t everything fake
and time is an illusion
and didn’t the girl you fell for
3 summers ago ****
herself on the bathroom
floor last night
we walk down the beaten down sandy path,
barefoot, the amber of the galaxies around us
reflecting in our eyes.
everything slows down when i meet your
eyes. how crazy is it that we’re only 15.
i feel your soul as if it is a pile of gold, tangible
in all regards. i am on my hands and knees
they say attraction only lasts six weeks.
i was in cuba for five, then utah for four,
and still found myself looking at you like
the galaxy was trapped in your eyes
I went to France, then to boarding school
to try and forget that blue galaxy.
i spent my summers in maine,
eating lobster and tanning my back,
all the while trying to push you
out of my head and into infinity.
fall came and with the leaves
i fell for you all over again.
you were like paris in the rain
i buried my love in the moon dust
gave you my lungs so you could breath
gasping for life as everything revolved around me
harmonies waving in and out of our veins
we gave in and took off our shoes
throw your hands back and close your eyes
the heart of the clouds
sun falling on your calves
your hips your ears
wipe the rain on your cheeks away
yearns for me
through the night
and when my stars die.
my luster in
with and without you
i cant be happy.
lips on lips
skin pressed against skin
and soft sighs.
like an angel
the truth is im tired and the truth is youre tired too and the truth is im broken and the truth is you didn't break me. i broke myself with nights of screaming into my pillow and crying on the bare tile of my shower until there was nothing left. i broke myself with nights of no sleeping and days of no thinking. i let myself fall so far for you i wasnt able to make myself drag myself back up. and it wasnt you it was me who tore my heart. i fed it tears and cut it with a knife until it lay there limply empty. and i know this but i cant help but blame you and i cant help but hate myself for it. and i know i feel caged and i know i should want to fly away but i know i dont. i crave the pain i stick to myself. i love the rhythm of my empty life and everyday i need the grounding that comes with the pain and the tears. and youre a closed door and i cant find the ******* key and im a broken window with no glass left to block unforced entry and i want everyone to step over me and give me attention and i tell myself i hate the whispers and the looks but it just keeps me going. and i cant stop writing thinking it will take the hurt part of me away but it only pokes at it but i love the words and i love the waves and the wind that comes with the words and the feelings and the blood. i say my life is a tragedy but im the tragedy and im the one killing myself and im the one ruining myself. and the truth is i cant stop myself.
so much depends
a pair of green
glazed with wind
under the night