I worry that
I may be
An electron.

The negative charges
Are building beneath
The shield that I choose
To call my ribcage,
Painting my lungs blue
And weighing it
With my mistakes.

I cannot exist alone,
All too willing
To give myself away
To anything that somehow
Makes me feel whole.

I’m sorry
I couldn’t tell you sooner,
But these problems
Can’t be solved
With science.

Tell me
What’s your endgame plan?
You snap your fingers
And I melt in your hand
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
I wish I
Could rescue us

Does your kiss
Still taste
Like everything
I drank to forget?

I look in the mirror at a person I don’t recognize anymore. Prodding and pulling at my skin just to make sure this is who I am I only cake on so much makeup because this is the me I don’t want them to see.

So they don’t

They don’t see me and time is just running away and what if I can’t make them see me before time is up?

It’s not that I’m invisible, I know they can hear me and they tell me that really, I’m fine, and I’ve never been an issue but then why do I feel so out of place in my own day to day routines?

In fact nothing is routine anymore I have no constants. Eating, sleeping, it’s all ireggular and sometimes I can’t remember doing any of it at all.

I have pictures filling my camera roll of happiness in a moment that I can’t bring back, why do I keep them for happy if all they do is make me sad?

The clock is ticking and I can hear it but they can hear me so I can’t scream, they don’t see me but I’m tearing at my mouth trying to get out the words that I really want them to hear.

And they tell me, that it’s okay to be yourself.

But only around certain people. Because society wants you to have curves but never in the wrong places. They want you to feel free to speak your mind as long as it’s something that they want to hear. If you keep your secrets to yourself you’re hiding something and if you share them you’re being too open.

But time is passing.

I need time, I need routine, and I need to remember happy so that I don’t fall in love with sad because far too many do.
So I will scream into the wind where they cannot hear me.
And paste on my paper facade.
Someday, they will see me.
Now you don’t.

Humor me with your insults
By now I’ve heard this stand up comedy routine so many times
I could do it sitting down
Laughter is the best medicine but I am overdosing
This substance in a prescription bottle with your name on it
It makes me toss my head back with the pills
And I laugh and I laugh

Are you smiling?
Or bearing your teeth?

When you laugh
Sometimes I wonder
If it’s with me
Or at me

You say you
Are too busy
That we wouldn’t work
But I call *******

If you really loved me
I wouldn’t be left
Tugging
Your leash

I am enamored
With the idea
Of being in love

Not the kind of love
Where I say
I love you
And let you meet my family
Or maybe exactly that kind of love
A love like raindrops?
That, as fast as I run away from it
I cannot escape it

I want never ending night skies
But I’m obsessed with sunshine
Especially when it’s raining
Am I my own paradox of eternal delights?
If I am, I think I’m doing a good job of
Whatever this is, for once

I really really like holding on to the past
At this point, my wall is choking
On movie tickets and pictures
But I keep thumbtacks
By my bed anyway
Just in case I need to remember something new
That I didn’t forget in the short walk
From desk to window

It’s not being sentimental, I think
It’s being “sometimes I forget who I am so how do I know I won’t forget how happy feels or how my best friends laugh like sunshine?”

But let’s call it sentimental because
I have a real love-hate relationship with labels

I am the least organized person I know
But I’m constantly labeling people
It’s touch and go, this metaphorical game of tag
Friend, lover, enemy, acquaintance
These labels aren’t permanent
The fingerprints on my skin wash off like chalk in a rainstorm

And let me tell you
I am enamoured with rainstorms
Because when I don’t have an umbrella
They seem to feel a hell of a lot like love

Did you melt for me?

Did you burn and break down every time I touched you?

Because I did.

When they say
We’re a perfect match

They don’t realize
Matches burn.

So don’t wax poetic for me
Because I fall
To inferno.

I know you think I’m mad at you
Because I stayed silent when I dropped you off at your house
But if I’m honest
I knew I’d either cry or scream
If I opened up my mouth.

Mad? I wish I could be.

If we could see
What windows can see
As they gaze out into the night,
Would we stand there amazed?
Perplexed and quite dazed?
Or simply be filled with a fright?

The windows reflect us,
Their glass won't perfect us,
But still we have reason to stare.
Because windows they show you
Yourself like they know you,
And unknown they catch all unaware

Grip my thighs
The way you grip the steering wheel
And let’s go for a ride

There's just something romantic about cornfields and 3am
Maybe it’s just the optimist inside of me
But the stars are shining so bright tonight, don’t you think?
They are so bright, the sky is so clear,
and I can feel your hand pressed against my side,
attached like a name
Maybe you’re afraid of the cold too

It was cloudy, the light on the edge of the horizon
Polluting the stars, they weren’t that bright
I feel you pull my body away from me
It’s so strange to feel warm, to feel anything
You embrace the cold

I cannot save you anymore than I can avoid becoming
The same sky I stare at

The breeze dances across my stomach as you bring me closer
Eyes staring into a cold sky
As you listen to me ramble on
About where the big dipper should be
If the stars were bright enough to see it

I’m watching
My happiness
c
   r
     u
       m
          b
             l
               e

and

F
A
L
L

a  p  a  r  t

In front of me.

And I spun and I spun and I spun
So out of control
No rhythm
Short. Choppy.
It lasted so long, so quickly.
I don’t know what happened,
But I saw it.
Even though I didn’t.
My car did pirouettes
Down the embankment
Until it found a spot to rest
In between two hedgeposts
And barbed wire.
They say your life flashes before your eyes
In moments like this,
But for me,
It was moments I wouldn’t ever have.
The things I wanted to accomplish,
The people that I loved.
It was heartbreaking.
When I crawled out,
No different than when I got in,
I laughed with tears in my throat.
Today, the world is the same,
But I will never be.

Please do not tell me
You love me
Because that scares me so much more
Than loving you
Ever could

Your brain is a little rock-n-roll my friend
Too much guitar solo
For you to think sometimes.
The pounding
Of the bass drum
Isn't any better.
But did you know that words
Spill out of your mouth
Like chords?
Always the sounds
That need to be heard
Even when someone
Dislikes the key.
My friend,
Life is sheet music.
Never forget that you
Are your own composer.

Driving down Broadway
At one in the morning
Raindrops
Blurring the red lights
Into broken halos

I was pondering what-ifs
Putting could-have-beens
Into words


“It couldn’t have been”
My best friend assured

I wonder
How I manage
To mess love up
Anytime it comes near

“You fall in love so easily,”
She said
“You’re a poet at heart.”

“And that isn’t always a good thing.”