you were freckled
by the sun and your genes
and every time you looked at me
oh, i felt weak in the knees

and its not like i couldn't see
the flaws in your design
the warning signs
or the gears turning in your mind

but i chose to ignore them
because it might be over now
but i'll always have that summer
settled in your freckled arms

I’m fully digestible.
And the taste of me won’t linger
on your tongue long after I’m gone.
A sweet little tidbit;
a miraculous morsel.
Watch me melt in your hands
and not in your mouth.

I’m sorry I lied about you...
that instead of being honest,
I hid behind grief and shame.
Truth is, I was so excited to meet you
but knew in the end I couldn’t keep you.

So instead, I waited with sterile wallpaper
and on me were cold hands of a stranger
and I said a brief farewell that wasn’t any less painful.

And afterwards, I could’ve sworn I was okay
but the thought of you, I couldn’t escape
and it started to feel like the biggest mistake.

I’m sorry I lied about you...
but I made the hardest decision
I have ever made that day.
The day I lied about my abortion
and claimed it was a miscarriage.

She tiptoed on ivory
and ebony piano keys
every Sunday as he sat in pews.
And sometimes, heavy-footed,
the sounds rang angry through the crowd
and the empty church halls
as she asked God,
“Why she wasn’t as
worthy as him?”

I lent a book to a boy:
who I had mistaken for a man,
who I let touch me with his hands,
who I had convinced that I cared.
But in the swiftest motion
was left in bed alone with a book
I never intended on seeing again.

I had always been the pliable one...
the one that always asked herself,
“How much could you use me until you were done?”
I resigned to bed sheets: comatose...
the idea of loneliness sinking in...
wondering if you were thinking of me.

I wasn’t always flexible, but always willing to
bend and break on your behalf
until you decided to flee the coup.
Because that’s when I finally bucked up
and stood my shaky ground
and realized you were actually the lonely one.

I didn’t think I could find a love so whole...
a partner I feel like I’ve known from long ago,
a swell and burst whenever they are near,
a flutter of butterflies where my heart is supposed to be.

In the past, I had been hastily dealt the illusion
and lived a lovesick life stuck in a delusion.
But now I think I finally found the “one”
in a boy from the town I tend to call home.

I gave food the power in my life
and watch it completely destroy me.

“Does it pick me apart piece by piece?
Or does it eat me
in perfectly portioned bits?
Does it scarf me down?
Or does it daintily
pluck at me with lush lips?
Does it stay awake at night?
Or does it just
eat me completely carefree?”

I wonder why I gave it all this thought
and why I let it turn into such an assault.

Compliments were like mace;
asides that I never took well.
Never mind awkward first dates,
they were like living in hell.

I’m lucky I found gentle men
who took steps quietly,
that put up with my self-disdain.
and just as equally,
suffered in the rain.

But soon, they grew predictably helpless
and decided to abruptly end things.
Surrendering an on-going protest
they knew they would never win.

I’m sorry I brought my selfish war
into our cozy love stuff.
That I never cherished our affair
and tried to call your bluff,
as you firmly said farewell.

But if truth be told, and I’m being brutally honest…
I think I finally figured out the part that was the hardest
that I should be kind to myself regardless.

As a woman, I have always
felt the pressure to procreate.
And if I succeed,
well, I better be the best mother I can be.
But what if, I’m scared
Of the pressures of social media.
That the moms that populate the page
will always be better than me.
That I may spread
my infected genes.
That maybe, right now, the world is
just a scary place to be.
But what if, I decide
to do things for me?
Does that deserve
to be guilty?

Sometimes, I like to forget
you were ever me.
That the girl in the mirror
ceased to even exist.

Her skeletons,
she kept cautiously hidden.
But her heartbreak
was thrown to the world to be seen.

Sometimes, I feel so sorry
for the girl in those memories.
How lonely
it must have been.

I wonder how many parties
I chose to miss?
How many boys did I
never get the chance to kiss?
The friends I could have made;
the connections I left delayed.

All because I was scared...
because being alone felt safer instead.

You were a freelancer
which makes sense looking back.
Your approach to your craft
mirrored how you treated your knickknacks.
A menagerie of numbers in your contacts;
how you picked and chose who to call back.

I wonder if you ever felt ashamed
in those brief periods of idleness.
Did your hands grow restless?
Which notification was most missed?
I’m pretty positive
it wasn’t mine.

i wonder if you remember
the presence of me
because i’m constantly reminded
by your faded memory

it lingered in the Sunday laundry
and ghoulishly appeared in a frame
popped up on the car radio
and frightened me all the same

as i packed your things,
it was in a card for my birthday
and eerily in a box of frosted flakes
i guess i never liked them anyway

later, it would quietly permeate
a passing tv commercial for charmin
remember how we used to laugh
i have those memories every now and then

i hope where you are is better
than where we were together

i wonder if you remember
the presence of me
because i was constantly reminded
by your faded memory

it took a long time to realize
that the scars on my skin
were not scarlet letters or warning signs
but red badges of courage
i should wear with pride

Human life is so flawless, yet so formless
Bending it’s way to fit into reality
It can mold itself into
A blonde bombshell model type
Or a chunky kid who loves to play Fortnite
Your dog groomer down the street
Or the mild-mannered barista you weren’t very kind to

It can bubble and warp into
The tallest man in the world
Or a newborn baby in a crib
Your crotchety sweatered grandpa
Or billions of people on the pursuit of happiness

I wonder if the ability to morph
Is humanity’s greatest triumph;
The beautiful power
To continuously change our shape.

When God created sunflowers,
He most certainly thought of you.
Crafted from every unique yellow hue
And birthed into a world of blue

Your roots dug deep underground
And captured everyone you knew
Taller and taller, your green stalk grew
Reaching heights that were completely new

Your yellow petals soaked in the sunlight
And sparkled in your brown eyes
As the sun rose, your voice filled the skies
Creating the most beautiful sunrise

Years passed, and your roots dug deeper
And you found a companion within the field
A true love that would never yield
And a seedling yet unrevealed

God gifted us with you; the perfect sunflower
And as the sun sets, we know
You’re back where the sunflowers grow
And you run amongst thee
Your brown hair floating in the yellow sea
Forever young, wild, and free.

you are my sunshine
yellow like lemon drops
and **** against my tongue
but sometimes
a sadness flickers about your eyes
and suddenly
you fade into deep dark blue
a sharp contrast
to your normal pastel hue

This is America
Where the rich only get richer
And the only thing that’s free is poverty
Where a single mother cooks Spam out of a tin can
In a 30 cent dented frying pan
Where little black boys clutch their guns to their hearts
Loaded and cocked;
Ready for the **** to drop

This is America
Where everything costs more than a dollar is worth
And even the dollar stores are 99 cents and up
Where Asian schoolkids get called Ching Chong
By fat middle class white boys devouring Ding Dongs
Where women’s bodies are controlled by men
In Ralph Lauren suits;
Spewing their propaganda on love and hate

This is America
Where the devil’s truly in the details
And if you want to make it big, you better have something to sell
Where healthcare is monitored by the government
Siphoning out your drugs like a treat for good behavior
Where crackheads and dope fiends and pill poppers
Are one in the same;
Minds and bodies and spirits riddle with addiction

This is America
Where jail time is a punishment not rehabilitation
And broken men evacuate our prisons with nowhere to go
Where incarceration is code for a controlled population
Killing culture and cops and citizens like a gnat between your fingers
Where higher education is a necessity but only somewhat free
Pell grants and work studys;
Graduating and finding yourself with a useless degree

This is America
Where immigrants seek asylum
And we call them bottom feeders and lazy day laborers
Where the borders “need” be stronger
Assigning them men with dogs and guns trained to shoot to ****
Where little Mexican girls traipse across the desert
Bare-footed and thirsty;
Hiding in the brush to avoid the copters

This is America
Where freedom isn’t free
And the only thing worth a buck is your soul
Where underage girls give a quick **** for a quicker bump
Abducted from their Kansas white neighborhood
Where **** is prevalent in a Christian society
******* and *****;
Always searching and seeking for the money shot

This is America
Where money is handled by crooks and thieves
And the poor, cold and hungry, suffer on the streets
Where panhandlers and beggars flood the suburbs
Abandoning their upside down mortgages for a solitary corner
Where every single material thing is a luxury
Taxation on *******;
Living paycheck to paycheck for a box of tampons

This is America
Where the middle class barely exists
And it just doesn’t cut it, your 40 hour work week
Where your earnings are garnished by social security
But the elderly are still struggling to make ends meet
Where retirement means a part time job
Office work or retail;
Dealing with the public for the next 15 years

This is America
Where free speech isn’t so free
And censorship exists despite our history
Where college kids speak their minds in poetry slams across campus
But the working class chit chat about television
Where hipsters and deadbeats stake their claim on
Restaurants and bookshops;
With ironic names in Helvetica print


This is America
Where we shed our blood for the greater good
And send our young and naïve to the front lines
Where soldiers come home to their families
Now realizing the only thing they know how to do is ****
Where they watch their children play in the streets from their bedroom window
Suicidal and Homicidal;
Placing the end of a shotgun in their mouth

This is America
Where reality TV reigns supreme
And more people know the name Kardashian than Einstein
Where kids are taught by underpaid unionized men and women
Holding the future of the country within their poor hands
Where schools can barely feed their students
Stomach and mind;
Both empty and starving, craving for attention

This is America
Where ignorance is the greatest epidemic
And keeping your mouth shut is the greatest sin
Where you gotta stand up and shout the truth
From the rooftops of Brooklyn to the sandy beaches of Pasadena
Where you gotta write and sing and rap and talk and feel
Pour it out and soak it up;
The true loss of the American dream.

boys give us jewelry
as modern chains to restrain
to own
to torture
to claim
to bother
a mousetrap on a ring finger
a dog and its collar

i've forgotten what your voice sounds like
or even the way your mouth carried the words
how each vowel rolled off your tongue
or how each consonant broke against your teeth
the memories are there; the conversations
the lighthearted ones in the beginning
and the hurtful ones towards the end
the words float in my mind like drifting snowflakes
the time you first said you loved me
to the second you decided it was over
and every delicate flake in between
i can remember the words themselves; the script of our love story
how each word either set my nerves on fire or snuffed me out cold
but the sounds elude me…
forever lost in falling snow

i wanted a fireball of love
an explosion of burning passion
that hit me in the chest unexpectedly
but instead, i found a slow burn
hot embers on a bonfire
and calloused hot coals beneath my feet

i wanted a torrent of love
a monumental deluge of longing
that drowned me far within the deep end
but instead, i found a summer misting
dewdrops on verdant leaves
and tears running down my cheeks

we kissed in a midsummer rain
as fireworks boomed in the background
you tasted ****
like the hard candy
melting in the pocket of your jeans
the lights twinkled in the sky
and shimmered in your eyes
as a million tiny explosions
took me by surprise

i wish i had loved you better
told you that your hair looked nice
hugged you when you cried
or laughed when your punchlines really stuck

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t hurt you out of anger
make you feel less than you were worth
or put you down every chance i got

i wish i had loved you better
read those books you always wanted me to
danced to the songs you played on the stereo
or bought that dress you really wanted to wear

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t call your writing silly
delete the words you spent so much time putting together
or convince you that it would amount to nothing

i wish i had loved you better
took compliments about you in stride
begun more conversations with strangers
or looked in the mirror more often

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t scar your body with your own hands
starve you and make you cry at the scale
or keep you up at night about your past mistakes

i wish i had loved you better.

I remember a few months back
You telling me about the time
Where you were knocked unconscious
How there was nothing but black
And a sharp stillness that you’ll never forget
I remember how much it frightened me
To know how fragile our role in this life is
How quickly it could be snuffed out to nothing

Jump to yesterday
When you told me the same story
About the darkness, the cold, the nothing
However, this time it didn’t feel as scary
As foreboding or bleak
Instead of cowering behind fear
I responded,
“How peaceful to be alone without any thoughts?”

i've crossed the widest oceans
made of violent waters of the deepest blue
watched the glittering fish swim beneath me
and listened to them sing their soothing tunes
their songs, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be true

i've climbed the highest peaks
made of weathered ground as cold as ice
watched sunrises flicker against sheets of white
and memorized their steepness in price
their colors, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be paradise

i've walked the endless prairies
made of yards and yards of dry weeds
watched flocks of silken butterflies take flight
and witnessed a million tiny ant legs stampede
their freedom, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be freed

i've explored the darkest caverns
made of massive black granite tombstones
watched the leftover light be snuffed out
and felt the fearful chill in my bones
their emptiness, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be alone

She never was the friendliest girl in the room
But sometimes, her laugh was the loudest
And boomed across the room
Catching the attention of private conversations
It was probably a laugh
Not really worthy of the joke that was told
But still, it came out of the mouth
Of maybe not the most talkative girl in the room

She never was comfortable in her own skin
But sometimes, she dressed to impress
With an outfit she put tremendous thought into
It was probably an expensive dress
Too formal for whatever occasion it was
But still, it was strategically worn
By maybe the most insecure girl in the room

She never was the smartest girl in the room
But sometimes, her cleverness was noted
And she received a nod from the table
It was probably a random trivia fact
Too obscure to really matter in the long run
But still, it was casually mentioned
By maybe not the brightest girl in the room

She never was the prettiest girl in the room
But sometimes, she would catch your eye
And those little imperfections suddenly made sense
It was probably just the drinks
Too strong for your own good
But still, she looked beautiful
Maybe not being the prettiest girl in the room

take a look at broken love
like a ticking grandfather clock
with heavy moments passing through
minuscule motions of crisscrossing hands
the thum of time beating in weather worn chests

take a look at broken love
like a melting ice cream cone
with sticky sweet liquid seeping onto
similarly sticky juvenile fingertips
the heat of summertime shimmering against butter pecan

take a look at broken love
like a shoot ‘em up film
with crafty bullets zigzagging across
rolling reels of burning celluloid
the sound of gunshots blasting into your ears

take a look at broken love
like a fragrant red rose
with outstretched crimson petals cradling
passive pinpoints of dripping relief
the delicacy of liquid clinging onto fragile flesh

she’s vulnerable
flesh carved out of velvet
blood as thin as water
mind as malleable as clay
it appealed to you, this softness
of touch in the morning
of voice in your ear
of bleeding heart beating
you sought it out
her hair as soft as silk
the sunshine off her sternum
her mouth parted and wet
she’s beautiful
the way she fits with you
her hand wrapped around your own
her laughter filling your silence

but without warning,
her soft touch turned to
a million bugs underneath your skin
her voice melted into
the shrillest sound at night
her vulnerability withered into
a weakness you couldn’t escape
you tried to let her down gently
as gently as she let you in
but you misstepped
and let her destroy herself.

i caught perfection
my hands awash in a masterpiece
but when i finally held you close
i became waterlogged in you

i tested your waters
dipped my toes in your coldness
but when i finally jumped in
i swallowed gallons of your turquoise
i bathed in your beauty
soaked in your cerulean shores
but when i finally let your tide take me
i drowned in your shallow end
i swam through your depths
deep-dived your current blues
but when i thought i finally hit your seafloor
i suddenly found myself in your abyss

i caught perfection
my hands wet with greatness
but when i finally realized your worth
i knew you had slipped just out of reach

i shot your words into the sky
and watched them hang onto tips of stars
a million twinkling promises
against the deepest blue of night
they shimmered and shone
creating glimmers of hope
in the bleakest of moments
but as time passed
i desperately sought them out
through the lens of a tunneling telescope
and softly cried
as they slowly
faded from
view

I’m not a poet
But I can write you a poem
Compare your eyes to silver seas
And make metaphors out of your laugh

I’m not a painter
But I can paint you a painting
Color your skin in flesh tones
And surround your light in shadows

I’m not a chef
But I can cook you a feast
Savor the soft taste of you
And gorge on the fruits of your love

I’m not a sculptor
But I can build you out of clay
Smooth out your weary imperfections
And mold you into what you want to create

I’m not a singer
But I can carry a tune for you
Hold your falsetto in pleasure
And growl my way through your baritone

I’m not an artist
But I can make art out of you
Put you up on display
And showcase the beauty that is you

you ever look into the mirror
and love what you see
well, i know i do
because i know what skinny meant to me

it meant the dress actually fit
and i can button those pants
no more double digits
screaming at me on sewed tags

it meant a scale didn’t scare me
every time i went to the doctor
i could look at the number
and not cry about it later

it meant loving the way you look
but hating the way you feel
knowing what it took to get there
knowing how long it will take to heal

knowing it means a pack a day
stuck between my teeth
the smell of cigarettes
wafting off my skin

it means no food tuesday
and thursday and sunday too
and binging on the space
left in between

it means bent over a toilet bowl
with a finger down my throat
and running the faucet next to me
so no one has to hear

you ever look into the mirror
and hate what you see
well, i know i do
because i know what skinny means to me

when you’re in love
the dishes don’t need to be done
instead, you leave them to sit
so you can do them together
with bubbles stuck in your hair
with your wet kisses on his neck
your laughter reverberating
even hours after you’re done

when you’re in love,
the laundry can wait
instead, you leave it to pile up
so you can fold in tandem
with you both sitting on the floor
with your knees slightly touching his
the neat piles all around the room
even hours after you’ve finished

when you’re in love
the bed doesn’t need to be made
instead, you leave it a mess
so you can tumble into it at night
with his warm skin against your own
with his arms wrapped around you tight
the smell of him on your pillow
even hours after he’s gone

when you’re in love,
the only time well spent
is the time spent with one another

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those starry-sky late night kinds of things
Like a breath of fresh air in the stifling heat
Like a brand new person you’ve been dying to meet

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those poolside sun-soaked kinds of things
Like bare skin singed in ultraviolet rays
Like the night sky full of firework displays

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those sweet like candy kinds of things
Like hot melted chocolate left in tinfoil
Like cherry cheesecake left out to spoil

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those fleeting like a dream kinds of things
Like a bullet train speeding through the night
Like the flutter of feathers mid-flight

I guess you were just a summer fling
One of those gone like yesterday kinds of things
Like a dusty photograph stuck in time
Like a memory I’ve forgotten was mine

when he leaves,
cry hard.
soak your pillow in sadness,
scream into the quiet he gave you
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
destroy you and him.
rip apart those photos you had framed,
box up the memories of you two,
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
delete him.
remove all those saved messages,
erase all those times he said he wouldn’t,
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
fall apart.
shatter into a million tiny pieces,
litter the floor he decides to walk out on,
but don’t look back.

when he leaves,
set fire to them.
burn them into empty space.
disappear into a cloud of smoke,
so when he looks back,
there will be nothing left.

Set fire to our love
Burn it down

Until all I can taste is
Smoke in my mouth
Ashes gritting my teeth
Engulfed in the inferno that is you
Until all I can feel is
Flames licking my heels
Fire in my bones
Charred to black by the heat of you
Until all that’s left is dust

But don’t worry
I’ll let the past keep me warm

If you asked me what it felt like
I would say it felt like rain
Not the misty kind or the pitter-patter kind
But the downpours
The rain that lulls you to sleep
As it beats against the windows
That bursts from the clouds
And falls into your open hands
The rain that pools on sidewalks
And gets in your shoes
That rushes loudly into drains
And overflows neighborhood streets
The rain that turns everything green
After a particularly harsh winter
That clings to your skin
And drips from your wet hair
It drenches me
Soaks me through
Until all I can do is think about you

/fall asleep/
you feel like sunshine
bright and full of warmth
yellow in color and calm in nature
heat running through your fingertips
you burst through the sky
and pieces of it fall to the earth
i pick one up only to see
the moon staring back at me

/wake up/
you feel like lightning
sharp and full of voltage
brilliant in color and frantic in nature
electricity running through your fingertips
you crack open the sky
and pieces of it fall to the earth
i pick one up only to see
the sun staring back at me

If I drew a line from me to you
It would cross deep blue oceans
And deserts and maple-leafed forests
It would cut through prairies
And part fields of bright bloomed flowers
It would loop enormous circles
And corkscrew around hundred-story buildings

It would tremble in the rain
And wobble and waver in the wind
It would buckle under pressure
And bend and break against our will
It would erode with time
And leave a trail of us behind
It would be the only thing left of us two
If I drew a line from me to you

I’ve died a time or two
and had men try to make me new.
I’ve had my body dug up
by shovels and hands cut.
I’ve been sprawled out
laid down and washed about.
I’ve had tissue excised
burnt around the edges and cauterized.
I’ve been bled dry
left in the sun and putrefied.

I’ve been patched up
glued together and stapled shut.
I’ve had my hair brushed
face painted and voice hushed.
I’ve been gently dressed
socks clean and dress pressed.
I’ve had a role to play
lacking dialogue and out of the way.
I’ve been the perfect date
unnatural but one you chose to create.

in the beginning
you were the color yellow
like simple supple sunflowers
or loose leftover lemon drops
your yellow nature
soon turned to red
like raptured rusted roses
or cheeky clever cherries
after the red faded
you turned purple
like perfect plump plums
or lacy lonely lavender
deeper in purple you grew
until you turned blue
like idle isolated irises
or bloated bellied blueberries

then you went darker
and turned black
in the end,
i could no longer see your color
if you were still yellow
like sandy sunlit shorelines
or red
like ***** lucid longing
or purple
like regal reveled royalty
or blue
like salty simple seas

you were just black

My love grew for you
In the quietest of moments
It bloomed with every stolen look
You took from across the room
It started off small
A butterfly here
A flutter there
Until it enveloped me
A cocoon of doom