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Theron Aidan Mar 2013
I've tried everything to break through
You think I'm lost
That I don't know who I am

I know exactly who I am
In that order I classify myself

Time has shaped me
Has it shaped you?
I can't get a read on your soul
Have you found it yet?

The sword
The bow
The mouth
All are deadly when wielded by one who knows

Waking nightmares
Memories of lives past
Blood, and glory

I know who I am
Stop calling me broken
I'm not
Theron Aidan Feb 2013
Line the walls
Faces missing

My face missing
From all of your photographs

I didn't think it mattered
Until now

Smiling faces
The ones that replaced mine
Next to yours

I'm not in your past
I can see now that
I won't be in your future
You don't want me there

Maybe someday
We'll be in a photograph
Theron Aidan Feb 2013
I wanted to save you
From the world that was hurting you so
So many times, so close
They say its the thought that counts
But thoughts won't stop the pain

I sound like a parent
I know that
And I'm not sorry
That's the role of the older sibling
All I want is to protect you
But you don't want to be protected

Take your life and live it
Forgive me for the role that I played
In standing in your way
All I've ever wanted
Is for you to be happy

If you can find room for me
I'd love to be in your life
If you don't have room for me
Just be happy
Theron Aidan Feb 2013
Crumpled paper litters the floor
Words not quite right
Not quite wrong
Are there any right words for this?

All I really want to tell you
Is that I love you
I want you in my life
I want to know you
I want you to know me

But her
I've tried
Time and again
All she has for me is pain

Maybe not for you
Maybe she's what you need
For now
Or forever
It's your path

Between us
A wall
What you think of me without asking
What I think of you without asking
Why don't we ask
Because we all know
What happens when we assume

You think
I think
We think
Because we're smart
We think
But sometimes our intelligence betrays us
This could and should be simple

I'm here
Let me show you my tears, my smiles, my rage
Let me show you my form, my mistakes, my days
You promised you wouldn't look away

I'm here
Let's talk
Just you
And me
Theron Aidan Feb 2013
The sound of pouring rain
Rushing wind
The steady drip, drip, drip
From the rooftop

The feel of the fresh rain
Upon my face
The chill of the wind
Playing across damp skin

The smell of damp earth
The feel of mud between my toes
The creaking of the tress
The sight of dew on grass

The warmth of fire
Gently kissing my skin
As it flickers merrily
In the wind

The rush of my hear
When thunder booms
The goosebumps that come
With the flash of lightning

Next to your
Gentle caress
Your warm embrace
All of these pale

The sound of your breath
As you sigh in content
The steady thump, thump, thump
Of your heart

The feel of your lips
Upon my face
Your fingertips
Caressing my skin

The smell of your hair
The softness of your skin
Your voice, your laugh
Your smile

The heat of your love
Making me flush
As you whisper quietly
Against my ear

Goosebumps and butterflies
Chills, warmth, safety
Comfort, love, eternity
These are the things you are

Our bodies are two
Our minds and hearts are one
Take my hand
Come share in my world.
Theron Aidan Feb 2013
Gray eyes
Sometimes blue
Sometimes green
Mostly slate, no phyllite
Sometimes schist
And sometimes, when all other hope is gone

Crooked nose
Broken, bloodied
Put a band-aid on it
It's still proud
Proof of heritage and blood

High cheekbones
Finely sculpted
Match the proud nose

Thin lips
Pink, not red
Set in a straight line
Seldom smiling
Sometimes laughing

Broad shoulders
Strong arms
A chest that contains a heavy heart

Pianists fingers
Long and slender
Bound by a ring on the left hand

Powerful legs
Sprinters feet
Bad knees

Things in between
Head and feet
Don't quite belong
But over time
Are no longer noticed

See the soul
Not the body
Live happily
Theron Aidan Feb 2013
I sat curled up in the closet, my knees tucked up into my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them. The more pain I felt, the tighter I clutched my knees to my chest, my fingernails digging into my skin, breaking it, hoping, with my blood, to make the hole stop throbbing, stop hurting, if only for a few minutes, a few seconds. The throb subsided, dulled, but didn’t go away. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as another aching sob built deep in my chest, threatening to explode any second. The pressure built, higher and higher in my throat, the pain pushing its way to the surface, looking for a way out. My stomach tightened and convulsed as the sob broke surface, screaming out of my chest like a freight train, allowing the whole world to be privy to my most private pain, privy to the anguish that comes from losing something so dear to you that, when it goes, it takes a piece of your soul, and all of your heart, with it. As the last of my air escaped, my sob turned into a soft, pathetic whimper, like that of a dog sitting at the door when his Master leaves. Depleted of that life-giving substance, oxygen, my body and mind did that automatic thing: breathing. Air ripped through my mouth and down to my lungs, digging its wicked claws into the walls of my throat its entire way. A soft inward whine echoed up from the abyss of my chest just before my lungs were again filled to capacity and another sob burst forth, screaming my agony to the dark walls of the closet I had sheltered myself in.

Eventually, like always, numbness came. It worked its way up through my limbs, a sweet coolness working its way through my burning body. It started in my toes and feet, the furthest and therefore already dullest part of me. Its icy fingers began to massage their way up my ankles and calves next, pausing at my knees to work through the weakness there. I began to feel it work its way up my fingers next, cooling the burn that had been left by her fingers. It followed the paths that she used to trace up my arms, feeling nothing like her fingers’ tender caress. It moved its way up my thighs, chasing the paths her lips used to pursue on their way to my tender core, icing the burns left there. The ice flowed past my elbows, up my biceps, to my shoulders, still following her lips. Up my stomach and abs, along my ribs, over my chest, it searched out the heart that was no longer there. Its icy fingers took a firm hold of my chest and continued their ascent, up my neck and along my chin, gently caressing my cheeks, my nose, playing gently through my hair. And finally, the face, her face, that had been haunting me since I’d stepped into that closet, was frosted over and replaced with the grey haze that meant that I was able to unwrap my arms from around my knees and stand again.

I stood, then, and let myself out. I went to stand in front of the sliding glass door. It was sunrise. I’d sat in there another full night, hiding from the memory of her, hiding from her face, from everything that reminded me of her. I sighed and returned my attention to the sunrise. It was ablaze with oranges and reds and yellows, fire working its way across the sky, flames dancing in the sunrise clouds, heralding a new day. The light was streaming in through the windows, the hopeful light of yet another day. A soft breeze was playing through the aspens that were planted in strategic locations in the sidewalk five stories below. A woman jogged past, dressed in the typical black spandex sweatpants with white stripes running down the sides, accompanied by a tight tank top that revealed far more of the silicone masses, that her stock-broker husband no doubt paid for with his far-too-large Christmas bonus, than was truly necessary for a morning jog. His bonus probably paid for that nose-job that she was sporting as well. I wondered briefly why she was running. I was sure that her husband could probably afford liposuction for her. She jogged around the corner, taking my brief distraction with her, and I was left to ponder the sun rising on yet another day.

I looked around my room, seeing and not seeing the faceless picture frames lining the walls, their emptiness a shadowy reflection of my soul. A soft rage suddenly erupted from somewhere deep inside of me and I found myself tearing the empty frames from their perches upon the wall. Her face stared up at me from the empty, shattered glass that littered the floor. Her eyes haunted me in my rage as I trampled the broken glass, pulling my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs, wordless screams of anguish. My unclad feet began to drip blood onto the glass, hiding the green that was staring up at me, making her flee from the pools of glass that lay strewn upon the floor.

I turned my attention back to the sunrise. Opening the door, I stepped out onto the balcony. A sunrise this beautiful might have once moved me to tears, but the numbness was as paralyzing as it was relieving. All and any emotion was gone. My life was devoid of meaning now. I climbed onto the railing and steadied myself. I waited for the nausea and vertigo that normally came with heights to come, but it didn’t. I looked down, gazing at the sidewalk five stories below. The wind swept up, catching my hair in its grasp, and making me wonder for the first time what it would be like to fly. I spread my arms, my wings, and allowed the warm morning breeze to wash over them. It had a warming effect on my numb body, breaking the ice that had just recently formed all over my body. Her face came back into focus, obscuring the view of the street and the sidewalk below.

My mind, so tattered and torn with grief, brought me back to our last morning together. We had been up most of the night before, making love, our bodies moving in perfect synchronicity throughout the night until they had finally arched in ****** together leaving us sleeping peacefully in each others’ arms. Somehow, we’d still woken up with the sunrise, a blazing red and orange one, much like the one that I was staring at now. She had looked at me with a passionate fire burning in her eyes, softened by a tenderness in her cheeks, and told me that she loved me, that she wanted to stay with me forever. Our fingers entwined, I looked in her eyes and told her that nothing would make me happier. Our lips met then, our tongues entwining and our pulses racing as our bodies moved as one.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, finally allowing myself to succumb to my memories, the happy ones she and I had made during our time together. I held onto them, allowing them to cushion me as only her love could.
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