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Aug 9 · 41
town
I saw her walking with her mom
Her face exactly the same
The same protruding bones
Trying to escape her slim frame

I saw her walking
In this cemetery
I call my home
In hopes I can forget the ghosts
That everywhere do they roam

I see my father sometimes
I see him through the shop glass
But I walk quickly
This is difficult
To replay the past

It's just a face
Just a body
I keep telling myself

But all their actions make me think too much
And hate myself.
Aug 9 · 135
y
y
Why do I still love you?
haven't seen your face in ages
I've kissed many other people
I've read tons and tons of pages

Tell me
Why do I still love you?
Hasn't hurt like this before
They say time will make me better
But time just makes me want you more

I don't know what to do
Am I still recreating you?
Am I just sitting here thinking
You are this idea of you?

I loved you so much
That I lost who I was
And I tried to make you better
But it wasn't enough.
Aug 9 · 70
light
I hate talking about love
As if I know what it is
But I think I come off as desperate
When I go in for a kiss

I get caught up in this thing
Who knows what it is
But everyone seems to sing
About it, everybody is in

Love, I swear
In the hospitals
Their loved ones nearby,
Waiting patiently for a discharge letter, I

Can't explain how lonely I feel
All the time
Because my family is good
And my family try

But I can't take it anymore
Sometimes I really do wish
I was a simple person
And had one simple wish

To live simply and work
In an easy field
And love someone lightly
and not someone with a shield

Of armour, amour!
Have I been in love before?
I know the love from my mother
Is gentle and pure

And the love from these men
Never feels quite right
I've never been bought flowers
Never been held too tight

Is it me?
It isn't me!
obviously
All my friends just say this
Repetitively

But I bet it's easy for them to say
From their comfy seats
Booking double rooms
On air Bnb

Making breakfast, cleaning up
Cause theyre coming around,
I see their mood dancing
When theyre around

Is what I've felt love?
can love leave me like this?
is there better love to come
Or is this just it?

How can you hurt me like this
And at the end of the day
Think that two beds are better off
Than one that we share

It makes no sense to me
I know that I'm needy too
But I see people who need more
Than me being fulfilled, who

On earth could know me so well?
Who could love me like this?
Should I just get ready
To be lonely like this

For a while?
It's not fair
I just want stability
And God knows that won't come from
Solely me

Cause at the end of the day
When the shift is done
It kind of hurts to come back
To no one.
Aug 1 · 92
Failure
I feel so old
as I mope around
i think my sadness makes me heavier
by more than a few pounds

my muscles ache from the gym
as inconsistently I go
try to rebalance my chemicals
from my head to my toes

I feel worthless and dumb
I've never failed this bad before
I think with every obstacle I come to
I feel more and more

I think I've processed a lot that happened
but It never really stops
Once I am over one thing
I have to rush to the shops

I have to print off my work
I have to prepare a presentation
I have to realise my life wont ever
be like a vacation

I really needed one right now
I need to go to the beach
feel the water on my skin
and the sand in my feet

But I have failed today
I have no one else to blame
I'll try to learn from this
because I doubt I'll get fame

I need a life, need a living
Need to fulfill my needs
what if I've got it wrong, all of the things
I wanted to be?

I am so motivated now
This is a sleepless night.
How much can this body take,
when I've had enough fights.

Ive fought for freedom before
I fight for balance now
But no one sees my mind
the way I do so how

Am I meant to explain
or process anything?
Friends are on holiday,
some getting diamond rings

I cant just paint them black
with my mournful existence
I'm trying hard to be better
without anyones assistance

And this is hard but it is good
This will make me stronger.
Everything I go through
makes me want to live longer.

Enough to see myself change
to who I want to be
Because I believe in myself
would you care to believe in me?
Jul 29 · 60
backwards
I want love
and then I get it
And Ive fallen out again

So I want touch
without the meaning
All these messages we send

Theyre superficial
Don't have energy
To go deep now today

But then I feel used
Just a fool
Thinking I can play this game

I want love
And then I don't
And I am stuck in love with you

I want depth
I want talks
But then I can't tell you the truth

I want meaningless
Activities
to make me feel more sane

But then I know deep down
I don't think nothing
Means nothing to me
Jul 28 · 99
Boundaries
I don't know what boundaries are
And where they lie
Between a friend and a lover
And to colleagues, I'm shy

Do I tell you deep things
That mean a lot to me?
Or should I save my depth
For those that truly see me?

do I need to explain
My entire life
For curiosity
Behind abstract eyes?

Intimacy is needed
In life to survive,
But what lines do I cross?
Which depth do I dive?

My emotions are deep
Can you empathise?
Would it hurt you as I explain
And make myself cry?

Is it worth it today?
Should I just stay shallow?
Talk about the TV
or something more mellow?

I just don't know when to go
I don't know where to crop
Images in my mind
And thoughts are just non-stop

I can't tell you everything
noone could understand
and I should reserve some depth
For myself, please understand

I need to learn and create
My own safe space
And respect all my boundaries
Make you reciprocate
Jul 28 · 94
Childhood friends
People like us
Need no explanation
No explanation
Post separation

Pick up where we left off
At the station
No explanation
Years in the making

Meet up for coffee
For validation
Cause we are the same
In simple equations

I've known you my whole life
Call me anytime
Keep me updated
Even if it won't rhyme

No explanation
Cause we don't change
The core of ourselves
Stays the same

No wasted energy
No dissertation
On my life story
Don't need contemplation

Just spilling our thoughts
Over pizza and drinks
I love we're still friends
I love that we still think
It's hard for me to find
someone with unprejudiced eyes
Who doesn't see me as a category
On pornhub, sigh

Its strange that I have to interview
And talk to these men
To see if what is common to me
Is common sense to them

Because some people think strange
Their beliefs are warped
Do you like all my labels?
Or will you accept my flaws?

But maybe if I studied
Something a little less intense
They'd be more comfortable talking
Not knowing I'm analysing them

Maybe if I was a few shades
Lighter in skin
They'd flirt more with me
And not glance at my friends

But I can't control these factors
I just am who I am
You can't fake an Asian accent
Every now and then

you can't so easily go
And belittle my culture
I've worked hard to be this wholesome
As an Indian daughter

It doesn't make you funny
When I've lived this long
Enough to see that you won't understand
Where I come from.
Jul 21 · 91
famous ex
Ill be fine and doing my daily life
Then I see that you're doing fine
And it hits me
Its like I realise
That we wont ever see eye to eye

We wont talk about our strange lives
And childhood
And broken ties
Truth is were both better off
And you're less shy
Without me constantly by your side

I found some friends
that like to talk to me
Not just due to
Proximity

And you found people
That I can see
When I find your page
on your instagram feed

But luckily
I am trying hard
To stop loving people
from which i'm scarred

There‘s no off button
No way to stop
The memories
Of which i'm fond

But we are different
You can't accept
My career makes you feel
So inept

And your path makes me feel
Out of depth
I'm an amateur
And you're so well kept

I've worked hard to try
And balance things
One hand i'm alone
Need income, see

No family to fall back
They wont catch me
But my passions and interests
Are everywhere, see

I cant help but be a little scared
Of failing
I love where I am now

But when I see your face
I want to drown
When I see your smile
I want to frown

But i'm happy you're not
so upside down

We deserve the love
The accolade
The graduation
Champagne

The friends and
The stability
I'm just sad that means
You don't need me.
Jul 19 · 78
Sleep
I am exhausted from explaining myself
To people who will never understand
Even my sister who can understand my roots
Cannot translate my leaves
because she is sand

She travels around
She changes with time
I cannot expect time to stop passing by

When i've planted my seed
Quite permanently
In this place that accepts me
wholeheartedly

I do not want to run
Away from home
Not that she is
She just likes the unknown

But I like routines
I like studying this
I like feeling like I am
A part of something big

But right now im so tired
I need to be alone
And I just don't get that
When I am at home

I am expected to cook
Expected to clean
Engage with these people
That don't understand me

When I just want to sleep
A few years away
and wake up more ready
To deal with the pain

That life is moving too quickly
One day I will die
I hope I've done enough
to make some people cry

And make some people smile
And make some people live
Make my mother feel rich
And make my family feel missed
Jul 15 · 231
mean
I was born
And I was flattened
It's my culture I think

Girls should be quiet and pretty
God forbid they should think

I should be lady-like
Respectful
And despite all this

I should take all the abuse
Of these men who just drink

So I'm a doormat
I grow up
People walking all over me

I keep my mouth sealed shut
And don't tell them what you see

But I will scream today
I will stop them now

I've been punished enough
You're being mean right now

And I am learning to unlearn
Everything that I've seen

But your white skin means
That you don't understand me

You weren't born fighting things
that can't be unseen

You are workplace
Skin-based
argument free

Im not discounting your struggles
I'm sure your life has been hard

I'm just saying
that certain phrases
You say
Hit me hard

Like a slap across the face
You discount my existence

You think your opinion is the only thing
That should be considered

Well EXCUSE ME.
I won't apologise
Because I EXIST.

I'm not a doormat today
But I can learn to forgive

If you apologise
And stop making me feel like this

There's no victims
In this victimless
*******

There is no poorer or worse off
Don't even think

I can't compare myself to you
at the kitchen sink

It's not quantifiable
I don't want to hear about your life

Because we will never have seen life
Through the same eyes

In life there's suffering
Otherwise what's the point

Just get over yourself
Let's both apologise.
Jul 15 · 799
clean
How much alcohol do you drink
On a week to week basis?
Fill out home address
And orientation

This is awkward for me
I feel so embarrassed
I know this system inside out
And right now it's backwards

The doctor is the patient
You'd think I'd have some patience
3 hours I have been waiting
To be seen and told the basics

Hey
Don't worry
We've all been there before

Hey
I'm sorry
My crowns slipped to the floor

Use
Protection
Routinely bought in store

That's
All you need
To walk out through the doors
Bit taboo but woohoo
Jul 14 · 50
mr perfect
I want to date somebody nice for once
Somebody smart
Somebody who has a cute family
Someone who likes my art

I want to not have to ask
For flowers to be bought
I want to wake up to the sound
Of them breathing all soft

I want to date somebody nice
I think it's time to stop accepting
All this love that isn't balanced
To the love that I am giving

I deserve so much more
Than a half arsed written card
I deserve to feel amazing
I deserve to feel loved

I want to date someone I love
Not because I am very lonely
I want to want to make an effort for them
Because they are very lovely

I want to tell the people that I'm with
My boyfriend and I'd smile
Because I love them a lot
And not because I am shy

I want to be understood
And listened to a little more
I don't want to feel like my body type
Is second best to hers

I want to be looked at in awe
I want to love someone like that
Why can't I choose someone
Who'd give me a taste of that

Because I think I am lovely
And that is definitely enough
It's just I'd really like a partner
Someone who isn't too rough

I think I should be handled carefully
There's broken bits inside
But I feel bad, I don't want to cut your soft thoughts
With my jagged mind

So maybe I should just keep dating
These people I find
I don't think Prince Charming exists
Outside of my mind
Jul 10 · 154
diagnosis
I don't know why you need so many complex words
To tell me that I'm sad.
Jul 7 · 190
Ironic
It's taken years of concious effort
To be this carefree
Jul 7 · 133
fine
You said that I was fine before you
And i would be fine without you.
I hate that you were right.
Jul 6 · 106
SELFISH!
My therapist says I should be more selfish
And stop caring what people will think
And stop trying to make people happy
And just be happy in myself
Even if my happiness makes people feel bad
But I feel so guilty
If I'm enjoying myself
And I know I should be considerate of others
I feel strange
Putting myself before others
I feel selfish
And in a bad way
Because I've always put other people's happiness
In front of my own
And so I've always been sad
And now I feel happy
I can't help but feel bad
For being so selfish.
Can I possibly deserve this happiness?
Is this okay?
There's no one really to ask
If I'm doing the right things
If I'm saying the right words
I don't think there is much
Anyone could say
To help me through this strange emotion.
Maybe being selfish isn't a sin.
Maybe it is necessary.
In the end I'm all I've got.
I might as well enjoy it
I don't know why I'm over complicating it
I should just start capitalising my sentences
Because I have been so long in lowercase
Jul 2 · 540
Repent
I'm still saying sorry to you
Even in my dreams
Jul 2 · 214
fwb
fwb
It's happened again
I've fallen for you
Someone still
so clearly blue

Just ended something
It isn't me
You say that now
But wait and see

A week from now
Or months maybe
In another's arms
You'll surely be

I feel like I'm doomed
to be a passer by
To watch people find
The love of their lives

a person in
a movie seat
The credits roll
so bittersweet
Jul 1 · 237
Peace
I am at peace with myself
For once I think
There's nothing to do
Right now but think

reflecting on
this year that's gone
So fast I think
How far I've come

It's fine to love
It's fine to hate
Just live your truth
the rest is fate

I'll work some days
I'll sleep some out
You'll do your thing
As mine wash out

It's fine right now
I'm stressed abit
But life is bigger
Than exams we sit

And love exists
when you're not in love
And I'll be fine
Through all the hard stuff

sometimes it's strange
The softer things;
A friend who's kind
It makes me think

This softness that
You give to me
Is well deserved
And I am free
Jun 21 · 163
today
I'm back to not wearing eyeliner today
In case of the chance that my eyes will rain
I'm setting alarms just to make sure I eat
I don't want to spiral, I won't be defeated
I'm waking up earlier every day
Working out to sweat anxiety away
I'm showering every single day
I won't mope around for this, okay
Im sick of being sick
tried antidepressants
Tried talking to people
But their noise was incessant
I need to be alone
I think I'm introverted
Too long with anyone
And I feel inverted
Sometimes it is just healthier
And easier for me
To laugh at these shows playing on the tv
And if anyone asks
I swear I'm doing fine
Im too tired to tell you everything in my mind
Jun 20 · 165
don't worry sweetie
Do you want to talk about my depression because you want to feel like a good person,
Or because you'll actually listen?
a little short breather of a poem compared to the rest ****
Jun 20 · 314
Mixed messages
I was born in a house
And it wasn't a home
and my takehome from that
Is that inside of my bones

I am bad, I am needy
not enough for this
Gotta work to be loved
Even a little bit

But mixed messages come
From all over the place
It confuses my mind
When I get into states

When a friend starts to say
Something nice about me
It just hurts that deep down
That they mean what they see

I wish I saw it earlier
The goodness in me
and it hurts I've had to
Crawl down on my knees

Through the dirt and the *******
That nobody wants
To a pothole in London
written in different fonts

And there's tourists around
They're amazed at my skin
But when i moved up north
they found me sickening

Throwing rocks at me
while I walk to school
i want to succeed
so I don't see you

So I'm ***** I think
Should be ashamed of my skin
didn't think my colour mattered
Nothing's changed I think

But when I met you
you'd been in my skin
I felt so understood
In everything

and when you just left
Couldn't handle my honesty
Honestly sorry
couldn't keep it all in me

And then there is family
Or whatever's left of it
Half of me urbanised
Half of me ethnic

All these expectations
You're placing on me
Then after all that talk
You tell me I'm free?

It's *******
I know you wouldnt ever forgive me
If I threw away my intellect
Just to see the sea

Just to paint the waves
Just to see my friends
It isn't your fault
You're only 18 when

You're meant to decide
What to do with your life
but what if all my decisions
Are just socialised

I'm going by norms
I'm following trends
Don't want to be a sheep
or be mindless again

So right back to uni
I don't want to scare you
When I love it I love it
And when I'm angry
I'm fearful

**** fear let's talk love
He opened my heart
While I cut up dead bodies
In anatomy class

And when we broke up
I felt so **** useless
Who would want this body
When it's so **** fruitless

Then the dating apps differ
I'm swiping past lives
How can I judge someone
With only my eyes?

How is it so easy
To just **** a stranger?
Am I being healthy?
Or am I in danger?

How can I be rejected
In daily persuits
while simultaneously
Be chased by boys
who'd **** anything too

don't get me wrong it's fun
But sometimes it feels wrong
I was raised to wait till marriage
Before you get to that song

But I am my own person
I am not my past
I am not my future
I can't ******* be arsed

To listen to you
I'll be who I am
it's hard to stop listening
Not most people can
Jun 19 · 153
sad fathers day
TW** (trigger warning, also bit intense maybe don't read if it's ur first time here)

This therapy
Is killing me
Can't watch your eyes
As they see me

For what I am
I'm just not sure
I should tell you today
so ill stick to the boring

Because it wasn't normal for me for my whole **** life
I've moved house so many ******* times
I've changed schools quicker than I've blinked sometimes
I've been shouted at
to the point of crying
What's the use in lying?

If I've written down everything
I might as well say
that my moods are valid
environmentally
If my stability is based on a solid foundation
then it hurts me to say after much contemplation

I'm never gonna heal
Never gonna be as shiny as people who grew up with farms all around
With their parents packing lunches
Making flower crowns while their friends come round and watch funny clowns.

No I don't think I'll ever be able to speak as convincingly as them. It isn't something that's bad inside me, just sometimes I feel like I'm rotting inside and trying to be someone that just cannot be found.

I don't have cute tales from when I was young. All this small talk and I can't even contribute one-thing, some-thing quickly don't be so quiet, Can't help being weird when it's just the silence cause

Calling the police when you're 9 years old
Isn't something you should have to do in your own home

If I ever have kids
I hope I choose him right
For everything it is
It just wasn't right, there was no need to fight, no need to bruise, and it felt like years and im still confused I don't understand why you hated me. If you don't want kids, it isn't hard to leave.

I don't even know if you're alive right now, I don't even know if I should care right now. Does it make me a bad person to wish that I could forget everything you've ever said to me?
Jun 19 · 72
small talk, big talk
Why is being single an excuse to set me up
I'm not saying that I'm happy just to shut you up
I need some time really, this years been crazy
No one ever talks about the things that keep me up

And I don't want to talk about it  
I just want to be normal
I just want to sleep for hours every night and wake up more hopeful

Or a different person
With different thoughts and feelings
With different needs and labels
Tell me would that stop you from screaming?

And gossiping and talking so much about me
maybe the things that I show you
Are the only things you see

I don't think you read so deeply into what I say
Not like I do with everyone else anyway

It's not like I can stop myself
I know the trigger phrases
Of, say, person with low self esteem, maybe

And I've been raised and have been shown
To recognise these thoughts
And change them to make them opposite to help me to grow


I think I accidentally always tend to psychoanalyse
But your life is your canvas, I'm not one to vandalise

I'm trying to be a friend
but I've never really had them
It's much more difficult
Than it sounds in party rock anthems

And at the same time it is easy
I didn't think I could relate
On different levels
Different people seem to stimulate

All of these discussions and ideas inside of me
I feel like I've lost most of my life
just trying to be
When some people just have it so naturally
life's a little bit awkward, and then you die.
Jun 5 · 132
waves
waves keep crashing over me
and just as I have caught my breath
an unsuspecting wave
pulls me under
one minute I am fine
and the next I cannot see daylight.
Jun 5 · 85
guilt
I am so sorry
For being here
And in the way

If only
I caught you
On a different day

Then maybe
You'd know
To move that way

It's my fault
I swear
I take the blame

It isn't enough
To feel ashamed

I need to replace
What I have stained

With my horrible presence
And pitiful shakes

I think I have come far
But really im fragile

One distainful look
makes me feel less agile

Less able, less worthy
just plain not that fit

To fulfil this role
I need to fill the pit

In my stomach
I'm guilty

I feel so bad
For things that I've done
Even if I haven't

Forgive me
I'm sorry
I know I'm plain ****

I feel like a child
Stuck in oversized skins

And oversized problems
And oversized dreams

And overused poetry
What does it mean?

My body, I'm sorry
I'm oversized too

You can't see my bones
Like you can on you

I'm sorry
I take up more space than I should

and I'm sorry my posture
Is awful when stood

I'm sorry I talked about
People today

I'm sorry I couldn't be
anything more today
Jun 5 · 57
exist
Sometimes I forget that I exist.

It's like my eyes are cameras connected to my brain, and I'm watching tv sitting on my living room couch

And I was so invested in the characters on the screen, that my tea has gone cold.

I forget that I have feelings sometimes, I get so caught up in anxiety I realise I'd never say anything I say to myself to anyone else.

I'm not sure I know how to exist properly. It's hard to be kind when you keep replaying the same tv shows that make you cry.

I keep forgetting that I put the kettle on, and I keep forgetting I'm not the only one in this house that might want some tea.
This is the rambliest attempt at poetry so far, but I promise you there's meanings hidden in it!
Jun 2 · 56
People
I thought I was being ignored
By a friend the other day
And I was sad for a while
that they hadn't contacted me

But some months down the line
They finally replied
Saying "sorry I've been having
A really hard time"

I thought I'd done something wrong
And maybe I did
But I'll never know what is
Going on in your head

I'll never know what you deal with each day
So I'll try to be kind
When you talk to me

I'll try to understand
That you're not me
that you have your own worries
And need time to be free
May 24 · 76
Body
I am more than just this body
May 10 · 170
Roses and dandelions
I am in love
With the idea
That we could be together

And when i look at you
In this rosy hue
I forget everything I
Would prefer

And fall in love
With everything you are.

I think I've been lonely for a while
I just want somebody to buy me flowers to see me smile

But I don't want to be needy
Or too keen to be with you

I want things to flow
To take it all easier

I don't know why I feel like
I ruined it already

It wasn't my fault I picked
a flower that just wasn't ready

To blossom or bloom
It's timing isn't it

I didn't mean for my thorns to hurt you.

It isn't my fault I know what I want
But you are just dandelion seeds
Floating around my head
May 4 · 1.4k
flame
all it takes is a match
and a little bit of friction
and chemistry
and I'm up in flames
Mar 5 · 406
tired
I am always tired of thinking of you
and then I close my eyes
and i know i am dreaming
because you're right here beside me
Dec 2018 · 184
How to get over a crush
thelemonpolice Dec 2018
Imagine them pooping. really bad diarrhoea. absolutely disgusting, right?

2. Realise you're not really interested in them, just this magical idealised version of them you created by focusing on their good bits.

3. Everyone has flaws. focus on theirs.

4. Realise they're human. You don't have to hide when you see them. greet them. say hi. be yourself. Everyone is equal, treat others how you want to be treated.

5. Imagine them being mean to little children.

6. Imagine them being terrible in a relationship, self obsessed, never showing any affection, no flowers, cuddles, just emotional emptiness. imagine them talking about their exes and all the memorabilia they still have.

7. Don't think of them at all.

8. Stop stalking their social media (even though their face is so beautiful oh my-)

9. Imagine kissing them, making out passionately. Imagine your heartbeat racing and feeling their toned arms and their hands on your waist and neck.

10. Imagine all the dates you could go on, staying up late and counting the stars, talking about life until now and dreams and eating ice-cream to movies snuggled on the couch.

11. Imagine meeting their friends and siblings and family and getting on really well with them.

12. Imagine you 10 years from now married, looking after the kids together in a cute house with a fireplace and grand piano.

13. ?

14. ****.

15. that's not right is it?

16. maybe try crushing on someone else?

17. ???

18. !!??

19. ???

20. oh **** it
ok but for reals, you deserve some reciprocated caring :)
thelemonpolice Dec 2018
The problem with being not okay a lot of the time is people never ask you if you're okay. You're known for being quiet and so that's just you being you. And if you say no last minute to parties, people think that's just classic you. And if you start binge eating cake bars at 3 am that's a snapchattable moment. And if I don't come out of my room till 3pm that's just comically me. Maybe it's my fault for allowing it to get this bad. I don't think after 8 months you can really blame a bad breakup. You should really have gotten your **** together by now. But you're just being lazy and not cleaning up your own mind. Is it so bad I just want someone to care about me and ask "how are you doing" and not because it's their job. Maybe that's hypocritical of me to even ask because I don't care about anything or anyone anymore. And what you give, you get. I don't want to go out tonight. But I really have nothing better to do. So why the **** not. It's better than staying in here and crying. And I know I'll be at the club obsessing about my body and how my friends are all hooking up and nobody cares about me, and how is everyone having so much fun anyways? It's 2 am and I want to go home.
Dec 2018 · 38
mud
thelemonpolice Dec 2018
mud
I used to make mud cakes in a small patch of my garden.
I'd run to the kitchen to grab a glass of water to soften the thin layer of mud at the bottom of the garden.
It was fascinating. I could **** at it with sticks for ages.
I didn't really realise that at 20
I am both young and old.
Not old enough
but old enough to drive a car and have a job
and wonder what it means to look after myself.
and what it means to have fun
when all my friends seem to enjoy going out and getting drunk
i feel stuck in some kind of mud
where nothing really appeals to me.
and i think i will be here a while.
Nov 2018 · 33
Unknown
thelemonpolice Nov 2018
I haven't spoken to him in years
A few years ago I wanted to say something
I wanted to just send a text that said
"I forgive you"
because I don't know what else to do
I can't hate someone forever
because that's not what humans do

But I'll never know his motivations
I'll never know his whole past
I'll never know the full story
Or why he had that awful laugh
And I'll never know if the one time
I saw him cry was genuine or fake
I'll never know what he thought of me, other than a mistake

I don't think I want to know the answers
I used to torture myself
But I don't think a person like that
Even knows himself
Nov 2018 · 469
Damp
thelemonpolice Nov 2018
I wake up
And press snooze
And when I actually awake
my life is liquid
And I am floating through
Unaware of things that pass through air so quickly
Because when they come through me
The things slow down
Oct 2018 · 764
pictures
thelemonpolice Oct 2018
If only memories could be as easily deleted as pictures.
Maybe i've already started deleting them, and have only kept the shiny ones worth putting on instagram.
artsy af **** (jk)
Oct 2018 · 418
best before
thelemonpolice Oct 2018
There's so much food
In my section of the fridge that's way past it's sell by date but not quite rotten yet.

I know I'm
not going to cook it, but I'll still wait till it's moulding before I throw it out.

I haven't been the same since you left me.
And if I can't tell the truth to anybody, I guess i'll have to write it here and call it poetry.

I wish I was one of those people who could realise that I'm fine alone, but I'm not.

I need people and my skills are ridiculously deficit, I feel like I'm fooling these people into believing I am someone worth hanging out with.

They don't buy it at all.

They don't buy food they know they won't cook.
Sep 2018 · 49
childish adult fear
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I don't want to grow up
I'm so scared
That I'll become cold and unaware
and in being scared
I'm already that
I'm so anxious I'm not focusing on anything other than that
I'm so scared
Of all the responsibility
I'm scared of all the people watching and judging me
I'm scared to fail
but more than anything
Im scared to succeed
Cause if I do
Then all this doubt
Was just torturing me
For no reason
Maybe I'm good
Maybe I can obtain
A higher self esteem
A better body
and thoughts that are sane
maybe I can find some friends
That I can be myself with
Instead of putting on an act
Forcing myself into chains
I am scared
I won't be able
To find a way
To get better
I see my friends
Making their own way
And it's scary
I don't know how they know
The paths to take
I feel so lost and out of touch
It makes me start to shake
I don't know anything at all
I don't know where to begin
I don't know exactly what's wrong
Just that I don't sit right in my skin
I want to feel like I'm singing
When nobody is home
I want to recognise random things
at home like that gnome
I want to talk to people and make them feel at ease
I want them to know that I am listening wholeheartedly
And not my eyes flickering everywhere because im scared
That I'm nowhere near achieving
everything that I fear
Sep 2018 · 373
swiping love and sleep
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I don't have insomnia
I just can't fall asleep today
Today is just like
Every other day

Maybe I'm overstimulated
With these bright screens
I am missing connection
with people, trees

I don't mean to burden you
Who I barely know
I just need to feel love
Or something close enough

Because the memories i have
Have all turned black
I need something fresh
so I don't look back

it's not your fault
I am sensitive
I'm putting on you

These expectations
these hopes
That I hope you'll persue  

But why would anyone want
Someone so insecure
maybe that thought is the only thing
Keeping me from a score
Sep 2018 · 97
brb
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
brb
life is good
trust me,
It's 4am

And though I've been in my bed since way past when
You should trust me because
I feel rested now.

I have processed my thoughts
Which isn't something I ever have time to do.

But really
Look around
You're beautiful.

This doesn't have to rhyme tonight
Good morning to you

I had a point I swear.
I want you to know
That just because I read these poems when I'm feeling low
It doesn't mean my whole life is in black and white

I'm telling you
I've seen the sun in the sky and
I've seen all the birds that fly up high and
I'll  see more days where
I don't even cry and

I promise I'll laugh
not just to get by
but for passionate
spontaneous
feelings that fly
inside me
when I'm living currently.

I promise this isn't it.
what you're feeling when you come here.
It's not all I am.

I don't know who I am and I'm at peace with that now more than five hours ago.

A small time, I know.

but if you blink
you'll miss me change into the person that I know;
I'll grow into tomorrow.

It's so beautiful right now.
The silence.
My calm thoughts.

It's possible.
I swear.
and love is real, I know I don't always feel it but it is real.

And it might hurt but the ones who love you most will always help you pull that splinter out if you just ask.

I know wallowing makes you feel stuck,
but I want you to go out into life not pretending to be evergreen,
but feeling comfortable being completely bare and honest,

even if nobody else is.

Listen to your body and thoughts
and leave the party when you don't like it and say your thoughts when you think them and hug that friend when you love them and listen to music when you need it.

This voice.
My voice.
The one you need to listen to is always there to help.

Maybe growing up isn't being stricter on yourself,
it's taking care to heal and understand yourself,
and I know I may not have wealth but I have everything i need right now to be me, and that is a good thing.

I am a good thing.
And I mean it.

But this message is here to say be right back.
Sep 2018 · 15.1k
higher than me
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I have to stop placing people higher than me
In how I see how they are
In importance, see
I haven't got it through
my head that everyone
Is just bones and fluids
And thoughts and fun

All these ideas I have
About who I think you were
Are actually untrue
you are just a person

And this anxiety I have
That seems to wash over me
Is only here because deep down I think
You're better than me

There is no better or worse
Everybody just is
There isn't popular or outcast
Unless you start to think

they're just opinions and thoughts
And I just think too much
But I am sick to the core
I'm done giving a ****

I don't care how many likes
You got on Facebook today
I don't care how high your grades are
We both passed, ok!

I don't care who you are friends with
And who they're dating this week
I don't care what you did this summer
if it makes me feel weak

I want to know how you feel
I want to hear your passions
I want to feel your fear
And talk about the old fashioned

Ways that people would talk
And act so elegantly
Without these interactive
Mind magnets
changing our speech

I want to be confused
And vulnerable
I want that to be ok
And acceptable

I want to be myself
And care about other people
Not these manufactured movie screen
making bad sequels

Where's originality
I want passion and art
I want intelligence fuelled by
Love and not darkness

I want to feel ok
I want to talk to you
I want to feel as if I'm involved
And not trapped in a zoo
Sep 2018 · 118
Mother Nature
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I once asked my mother if she liked my art
I was 3 and it was in felt tip pens
And I think she knew it didn't make sense
And the colours didn't have an end
But she said she loved it
And hung it on the fridge
And kept it there for months
Till the Blu tac fell off
And the paper rustled apart.
.
.

I once asked my mother if she liked my art
I was 8 and all my friends
Didn't like me using all their pens
Even though they were meant to share
But I didn't care
And my mom said she loved it
And printed the tiger on her bag
And showed it to all her friends
And took it to work every day
Even when it rained
.
.
.

I once asked my mom if she liked my art
I was 14 and hated it all
And she was busy with too many things at work
And didn't have time for her to part
And I didn't understand
And I thought it was bad
and I didn't ask her again
Incase she got mad .
.
.
.
.
I once asked my mom If she liked my art
I was 16 and afraid
Too young to be great
To old to stay sane
She said it was beautiful
But I didn't believe her
She was busy again
And It couldn't be clearer
That I wasn't good
At anything
And there wasn't a point
In trying new things
And everyone
Need not make another thing
Because it wouldn't make sense
When it's not the best it could be
And there's better ones that better friends
And better hands will make. .
.
.
.

And she saw my confusion
And she laughed quite a lot
And as busy as she gets
She just had to stop

And she told me that art
Isn't good or bad.
It's all that you've been
And all that you've had. .
.
.
.
.

And it's beautiful
Its overwhelming
that I didn't see
All of what
She made of me
Sep 2018 · 291
Room peace
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I've never had a room
Ok that's a lie
I'm a middle class
Working, privileged kinda guy
But I haven't had a room
And being here two months
Is something so serene
I can't word or touch
I've never had a room, see
It's mostly been sharing.
My sister's a near age,
Shove them in, but I can't bear it
She snores so loudly
She'd wake me up.
Her life is so messy
I'd have to clean up.
A few years like this
Was fine to be fair
Until it got too messy
found my comb, your hair
I know what's mine is yours
But our things intertwine
What stuff makes you you?
What stuff do I call mine?
It's materialism at best
I'm nothing either way
By owning a piano
I'll still own a grave
A few more years, finally
I have a space
Just kidding haha
It seems like its fate.
I slept in the lounge
Where we'd watch episodes
Manic, depressive
Gather round for the shows!
I'd search for peace
And I'd practice my patience
But I need to save some
For my real patients
Am I not my own patient?
How can I treat myself well?
If everything around me
Is crumbling.
Well?
Surprising isn't it?
all I wanted was a room.
And I didn't even know it,
I'd run towards all the gloom.
I thought I needed people.
I thought I needed love.
And I do, but that's nothing
Until it comes from above.
But the point is space;
I never really had it.
And right now I am thankful
and hope I make it a habit
Sep 2018 · 146
painfully insecure
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I'm insecure
And on those days
My friends think I'm a bore
It's as if they suddenly know
They don't like me anymore
And if I talk
Its always
Painful and sore
And when I walk
I wish I'd
Eaten some more
I'm insecure
And it's not fair
I hate thinking like this
As if a genie could appear for me
Grant me a wish
Maybe then I'd know how
To cook every dish
Maybe then I'd finally
figure out how to fish
I'm insecure
I am quite sure
I'm not who I need to be
If everyone was in a race
I'd be lost at sea
And there's no way
That I will ever see
That there's a way
To live out my time here
Peacefully
I know I'm wrong
Here waiting
For feelings to pass
Trying to think me out
Of this barren grass
It isn't fun
To know I'm
Labelled at last
It isn't nice
To feel so
Stuck in the past
I'm insecure
I'm always
threatening me
Behind my eyes
A body
I wish I'd not seen
Behind my face
These thoughts
I'm glad you can't see
Behind these glasses
My own eyes
Watching me
And if I'm loved,
I'll smile and tell you all then
But if I'm not,
I'll cry till I can't pretend
That there's no use in making everything
About your feelings when they
Never do end.
What if it's healing;
Writing,
Making a mends
Maybe I miss the way
My mind
used to blend
All of my thoughts
I wasn't
So ******* aware
Of how to change them
Make me
Not who I appear
But it's a skill
I wish
More people could have
And yes they can
But will they
Need it at last
Cause when you do
It hits you
Right in the back
And then you prove yourself
You never cut slack
Sep 2018 · 639
burnt cupcake
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
I really hate you
I really really do
I know i hate poetry
That's so often crude
But I hate you
I have to say
There's no one else
That leaves me feeling this way
Am I just nothing to you?
I'm attached to your strings
The greatest friend I had
just feels like a dream
If I think
Of you now
I try to forgive
Myself and your self
For all of our sins
And history
just repeats
Itself, how blue
What you did to me
I've done to you
And happy memories I have
Are painted black
For all the things I've had
Are not the things I have.
you're not a thing
We are people
Obviously
It hurts myself to think
What became of me
And you
Weren't we a family?
Am I suppressing the blades
And blood you showed me?
Probably
Cause when I think back
We were both different
And I know I changed
And told you in an instant
But did you change too
Or can my eyes just see
What happened to you
Reflected in me?
I make sense I promise
I have a few friends
I know you do too
That's all you need in the end
But it bugs me because
I never felt like that
Not like a lover or mother
She lied, you're not fat.
I don't make sense
I'm positive
I'm negative a lot
I walked out of class
Because of this big mind fog
Walked out of home
Because I found a dead frog
I walked out on you
Because
It's not my job.
I accidentally set fire to a cupcake
Sep 2018 · 256
please don't
thelemonpolice Sep 2018
He killed himself
He was here one second
And he thought the world would be better without him
And he was probably drunk
Or upset
But he thought
That there was no hope
And his wife
And kids
And friends
And family
Would be better if he wasn't there
And that he was a burden
And would never be clear
Of illness
So he stepped on a chair
And tied a rope
And one minute he was there
The next he was not

He was brave for so long
But no
He was wrong
So very wrong
Look at all the people
Who miss him
And love him
And want him back
I know he had pain
Everyone has pain
And I don't know his pain
By name
But no amount
Is ever worth
A whole human life
A whole life is so precious
A whole life is priceless
No amount of pain
Is ever going to take you
Until you let it
But what do I know about bravery
In my mind there's always been two types
The kind to land on the ground
And the kind to never touch the ground again
please don't **** yourself.

originally written about Chester Bennington
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